do i need to break up with my boyfriend

[bagelwithbutter]

i am really frustrated with this cycle my boyfriend and i are going through. we've been dating for three years now. he usually chooses what we do on the weekends. if i say, "i don't feel like spending my friday night going to a bar." he'll say, "see you tomorrow." if tomorrow comes and i say, "i don't feel like spending my saturday night going to a bar." he'll say, "alright, see ya whenever."

 

in other words, it's his way or the high way. he is not a controlling guy, but he seems to be really selfish without realizing it. let me give an example.

 

friday night i did not feel like drinking. i hadn't felt well and just wanted a quiet night at home together or a movie at the theatre. we ended up going out with friends to a fish fry (which involves fish and lots of beer). okay, i can deal with that. but afterwards he wanted to go to a bar. i did NOT want to go and i told him this, but all his friends were going and i didn't want to ruin his night. i went along with it and drove his drunk ass home later.

 

saturday came. he had told me he had to work for a few hours. that's fine. we went out to lunch and then i went home to work. i called him to see what we'd do that night, hoping tonight we could finally do the movie. he decides last minute he'll go to a hockey game with his male friend. i was disappointed, but i let it slide. after the hockey game was over, i called to see what he was doing (hoping we'd get a quiet night at home). him and his friend were at the bar. if i wanted to see him, i'd have to drive to the bar. i ended up driving to the bar because i DID want to see him. i mean, the plan for this weekend was to spend time together.

 

friday and saturday were not my ideal nights, but being with my boyfriend is important to me and i knew how much he wanted to do the things he did so i went along with it without complaining.

 

this morning we woke up together. i flipped on the tv. he stole the remote from me and hid it under his body so i couldn't choose the channel. he thought it was hilarious. he turned it to bowling (which i hate). he fell back asleep. i tried to get the remote under his body while he was sleeping, but he wouldn't let me have it. i spent the first hour and a half of my day watching some stupid show because he thinks it's funny not to let me pick what we watch.

 

whatever.

 

so after laying in bed together for a while, i tell him i'm hungry and want to get lunch. finally it's sunday. i figure after doing what he wants to do all weekend,. this would be the day where i got to choose something we did.

 

so i asked if he wanted to get lunch and go to a movie. he flat out tells me no. he doesn't want to spend money on lunch OR the movie. it's a waste of money he says. okay, so lunch and a movie is a waste, but spending a ****load of money at the bar the past two nights isn't??????

 

to make a long story short, if he wants to do something and i don't, i can choose doing it anyway or sitting at home along.

if i want to do something that he doesn't, he won't do it. and if it means a lot to me, the only way he'll do it is if i get mad and cry. that's when he finally realizes he's being selfish. THEN he'll grudgingly agree to it.

 

most weekends we spend at the bars drinking. i'm a dinner and movies kind of girl. maybe ice skating or arcades or whatever. anything fun and unique. he is BAR dude. that's fine. i'll give up a night to do what he wants. however, he never returns the favor. he'll only go to movies with me on week days because it's not wasting his precious friday or saturday.

 

i get super exhausted from work on those days. why would i wait to do what i want on a night when i'm exhausted when i can go to a movie on a friday or saturday when i have the time AND energy?

 

i told my boyfriend that next weekend we will go to a movie friday and saturday night. i wanted him to know what it feels like to give up two of your nights to please your significant other. he refused. he said, "no. i don't want to go." simple as that. he couldn't see the connection from me ALWAYS going to bars with him to the movies. the connection is i love movies and dno't get to go because he doesn't want to.

 

anyway, i threatened to break up with him if he didn't do this for me. extreme. he agreed.

 

that is all.

 

tell me what to do because i'm clueless.

[bagelwithbutter]

this post is so long, i bet no one will read it! i can reduce if it helps get replies. haha. i'm desperate.

[norajane]

anyway, i threatened to break up with him if he didn't do this for me. extreme. he agreed.

 

that is all.

 

tell me what to do because i'm clueless.

 

Break up with him.

 

You aren't happy, the two of you don't seem to have much in common, and he is not at all interested in compromise or in trying to understand your point of view. He's very controlling and selfish and completely uninterested in whether you are having any fun in this relationship.

 

You could go out to the bars with him one weekend night, and you could go to the movies with your other friends the next night, but that won't change how controlling and selfish he is.

[bagelwithbutter]

Break up with him.

 

You aren't happy, the two of you don't seem to have much in common, and he is not at all interested in compromise or in trying to understand your point of view. He's very controlling and selfish and completely uninterested in whether you are having any fun in this relationship.

 

when we are alone together and agree on what we're doing, we get along so great. we are in love and happy as can be. but if he wants to do something, he'll do it no matter what. i SOMETIMES like bars, but when i don't want to go....i don't want to go. and yet he doesn't care. he'll go anyway.

 

is he controlling if he doesn't force me to go to bars? he tells me i don't have to go. he says i don't have to do anything i don't want to do. the thing is i do it anyway because i want to see him. if it's between not seeing him and doing something lame, i'll do the lame thing.

 

after i threatened to break up with him if he didn't do the movies next weekend, he agreed to do it.

[Citizen Erased]

Don't go out to the bars with him. He knows you will cave. He is being lazy and knows he doesn't have to put the effort in because you will pick up the slack. Lazy and selfish. I would have broken up with him long ago, but if you love him and think he is worth it then you need to reverse the roles.

[bagelwithbutter]

Don't go out to the bars with him. He knows you will cave. He is being lazy and knows he doesn't have to put the effort in because you will pick up the slack. Lazy and selfish. I would have broken up with him long ago, but if you love him and think he is worth it then you need to reverse the roles.

 

i have tried to reverse the rolls! believe me! usually what happens is i'll invite a friend to go out and miss him while i'm with the friend. then after the friend leaves, i'll go meet my boyfriend at the bar. OR if i do just stay home instead of meeting him at some stupid bar, the next night i'll give in and go meet him at the bar.

 

it's hard not to do this because i worry without my effort, everything would fall apart. he is busy enough where not seeing me for an entire week would be no big deal. we have been dating almost three years. you'd think we'd see even MORE of eachother now. i don't want to backtrack!

[Citizen Erased]

i have tried to reverse the rolls! believe me! usually what happens is i'll invite a friend to go out and miss him while i'm with the friend. then after the friend leaves, i'll go meet my boyfriend at the bar. OR if i do just stay home instead of meeting him at some stupid bar, the next night i'll give in and go meet him at the bar.

 

it's hard not to do this because i worry without my effort, everything would fall apart. he is busy enough where not seeing me for an entire week would be no big deal. we have been dating almost three years. you'd think we'd see even MORE of eachother now. i don't want to backtrack!

 

In order for it to work, you need to be strong! DO NOT go out to the bar! If you can't then you need to dump him and find a guy with a little bit more respect and who isn't so selfish.

[norajane]

when we are alone together and agree on what we're doing, we get along so great. we are in love and happy as can be.

 

Really?

 

this morning we woke up together. i flipped on the tv. he stole the remote from me and hid it under his body so i couldn't choose the channel. he thought it was hilarious. he turned it to bowling (which i hate). he fell back asleep. i tried to get the remote under his body while he was sleeping, but he wouldn't let me have it. i spent the first hour and a half of my day watching some stupid show because he thinks it's funny not to let me pick what we watch.

 

 

THAT is controlling.

[curiousnycgirl]

Don't you want to be with a guy who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him? Don't you want to be with a guy who wants to make you happy, at least some of the time?

 

If your answer to those questions is yes - then I think you need to move on and find someone who can give you those things. You b/f may be a great guy - but it doesn't sound like he is ever willing to give you what you want.

 

Frankly it sounds like you are way more into him than he is you. Sorry.

[bagelwithbutter]

In order for it to work, you need to be strong! DO NOT go out to the bar! If you can't then you need to dump him and find a guy with a little bit more respect and who isn't so selfish.

 

i will give this a good shot!

[bagelwithbutter]

Really?

 

 

 

 

THAT is controlling.

when i got mad at him, he apologized thinking me laughing in the beginning was me having fun. he didn't realize it was controlling.

[bagelwithbutter]

Don't you want to be with a guy who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him? Don't you want to be with a guy who wants to make you happy, at least some of the time?

 

If your answer to those questions is yes - then I think you need to move on and find someone who can give you those things. You b/f may be a great guy - but it doesn't sound like he is ever willing to give you what you want.

 

Frankly it sounds like you are way more into him than he is you. Sorry.

 

well he says he wants to be with me, but he is way more social than me. he craves attention from everyone. so he loves going out and mingling with all his friends and making them life. it's what he lives for. he always knows when he's done with this, the one he loves even when he's not at his best will be there when he needs it. in other words, if i'm not there on a weekend of bars, he doesn't care. but during the week, he'll call me to make dinner together or watch tv. he tells me how much i mean to him and how much he loves me and wants to marry me, but when it comes to doing things i want to do, he's just not that into it and doesn't see why i'd get mad if he won't do it.

[norajane]

when i got mad at him, he apologized thinking me laughing in the beginning was me having fun. he didn't realize it was controlling.

 

right, because being controlling and selfish comes so naturally to him, he would never realize when he's being an ass.

[bagelwithbutter]

in his defense, sometimes we have a sorta of brother-sister relatoinship. we'll joke around and make fun of each other or tickle each other or touch our hands to a really cold drink and the touch the other person's back to make the scream. i think this was no different in his eyes.

[a-sweetart]

he tells me how much i mean to him and how much he loves me and wants to marry me, but when it comes to doing things i want to do, he's just not that into it and doesn't see why i'd get mad if he won't do it.

 

 

Well just keep in mind that if he does not see anything wrong with his lifestyle then he will not change. He has the best of both worlds right now; the ability to do what he wants when he wants, and you waiting in the wings when he needs you. Why would he change if this lifestyle suits him and you are caving in and going along with it?

 

If you are really unhappy with the situation then only you can change it. And you should. You do not HAVE to do what he wants. You are CHOOSING to.

[Walk]

it's hard not to do this because i worry without my effort, everything would fall apart. he is busy enough where not seeing me for an entire week would be no big deal.

 

Don't you think its time to determine if this relationship is really worth the effort you're putting in? Is a one-sided relationship worth this much effort?

 

If the only thing holding this relationship together is your effort, is that what you want for the rest of your life? You don't sound happy giving up every Friday and Saturday night to a man who can't understand you. Is that how you want to live for the next 30-40 years?

 

I know that if you stopped putting in over-drive in keeping your bf happy, then he will start to see the value of who you are. As of now, he doesn't. He's taking you for granted, he believes you'll always show up even if you say you don't want to. You've proven over and over again that what you say doesn't mean crap because your actions tell him you WANT to be at the bar with him. Why would he listen to whats coming out of your mouth when you contradict yourself with your actions?

 

You need to stand up for what you want in this relationship using more then just words. Even if you have a piss-poor time going to the movies with your friends, and end up home alone afterward... don't go running after your bf. You reinforce his belief that you didn't mean anything you said about wanting to see a movie with him. He thinks your fine with the way things are. You got to go to the movie that you wanted to go to, and you chose to meet up with him at the bar. He thinks everythings great. The ONLY way that will change is if YOU change your behavior. Not your words, your actions. Those are what he's really hearing.

 

Your bf seems to want to be with you. The way you describe it I highly doubt your relationship will fall to pieces if you don't go to the bar with him. Stand up for yourself and what you NEED in this relationship. Trust that you are a valuable person that others enjoy being around.

 

And your request for him to consider you isn't a want on your part, this is a need. You need validation for how you feel, you need him to understand who you are as a person, and you need him to want to work with you in this relationship. Fight for that. It is for both of you that you need to stick to your guns and NOT go to the bar. Let him miss you. Show through actions that you are serious about what you've asked for. He will lose you if he doesn't figure this out, so you need to make it crystal clear the consequences of his decisions. Not tell him one thing do another. Be consistent.

 

Yes, your bf is controlling. That's something that will never go away. But that doesn't mean you have to suffer for it. Your not a victim are you? Then stop acting like one. If he steals the remote and won't let you watch what you want while he's sleeping, then leave. Until your actions fit your words, he won't bother to change his actions. And your resentment will keep building until you finally don't want to see him again. You'll hate him. So for the BOTH of you, set the ground rules and Live by them. Don't say one thing and do the opposite.

 

p.s. I think you'd be happier with someone who's not a bully and actually listens to what you say. But since you wanted help with this relationship... my opinion is above. However, You deserve a hell of a lot better treatment then you are getting. And you need to realize this or you'll continually be shat on.

[Kiss Dont Miss]

He does thing he wants to, and you do things he wants you to. Relationship is important if two people value it. Couple is about two people anyway.

 

Be happy!

[nickilovespookie]

First of all I am curious to know how old he is. He sounds very immature and sounds like he doesn't care at all what you want. You sound like such a nice person and the right guy will definitely appreciate that. You may get along with each other when you are together and be in love but you could get along with plenty of people.

 

I honestly would break up with him and definitely stick to your guns. Chances are, when you're gone he is going to miss you so much and will do whatever to get you back. If he doesn't, then he doesn't know what he's missing.

 

It will be hard but definitely break up. Get back together later when he is ready to compromise and act more mature.

[PerfectXPretty]

Hey Im sorry to hear your boyfriend is being selfish - i can relate.

 

Me and my boyfriend broke up yesterday because of his continuous habits of not wanting to do anything or everything was in his hands.. after 3 years it was enough & since i wouldnt be his doormat anymore he pretty much told me i ruined everything for him which isnt true he more or less ruined things for me but whatever..

 

He got everything he wanted out of the relationship & still isnt enough for him..

 

read my post if you'd like i can relate..

 

If ya need anything let me know..

 

Email me at [email protected] good luck!

[eric82]

i wanted him to know what it feels like to give up two of your nights to please your significant other.

 

Therein lies the problem - you're being indirect about the degree in which things bother you and then attempting to use passive-aggressive manipulation to get him to understand your feelings.

 

he couldn't see the connection from me ALWAYS going to bars with him to the movies. the connection is i love movies and dno't get to go because he doesn't want to.

 

He couldn't see the connection because you didn't show him that connection in your actions. You wanted him to see through what you were doing and connect the dots.

 

You aren't seeing how caving in repeatedly gave him the impression that overall you were fine with giving in to him.

 

Guys are generally more direct and thus he needs directness from you for the communication to be more effective. Think about it, when you cried or threatened to break up, what did this show him and how did he react? He saw it bothered you a lot because it was direct, open, and most importantly aligned with your true feelings, and he reacted by giving in because he didn't want to upset or lose you.

 

When communicating, here are a few things to consider from a guy’s perspective:

 

When you told him you didn’t want to go to the bar but then went anyways to be closer to him, he didn’t see this as you sacrificing to please him and strengthen the relationship. He probably saw it as you changing your mind and deciding to go to the bar (because otherwise why not just wish him well, hang out with your friends, and see him later? After all, you both have lives outside of the relationship and if it was that big of a deal, you should have made it that big of a deal right then). By going to the bar repeatedly, he probably saw this as something that you either grew to enjoy, or at least didn’t mind giving into and wouldn’t hold against him.

 

If you were in an unpleasant mood or put on a fake smile at the bar (which I assume you probably did because you didn’t really want to be there), he didn’t see this as you trying to let him know that he was making you feel unappreciated, like he was putting his friends over you, and he didn’t see this as you were trying to give him cues that you'd rather spend more time with him elsewhere. He probably just saw it as you being in an unpleasant mood for uncertain reasons (because from the sounds of things, I doubt you would've directly explained to him what exactly was stressing you, let alone how much it was bothering you - you just wanted him to know without having to explain yourself).

 

I know it makes him sound simplistic and I'm not trying to come down on you, but try detaching your feelings and seeing it from his side. Can you see how this makes sense based on how your repeated actions oppose your true intentions; how you cover up what you really want to make him happy? I know you’re probably thinking - I don’t want to have to tell him my needs, he should just know by now. It should be obvious to him because it's so obvious to me. Well, keep in mind that this is the difference between men and women. We communicate and understand in different ways, generally.

 

You might be thinking, I shouldn’t have to cry, threaten to break up, or whatever every time I want him to acknowledge that he’s hurting my feelings and know how not to do it. And yes, you're right. You shouldn't. My point is, you wouldn’t have to explain yourself if more often you picked a side and stuck with it, and kept your actions consistent with your true feelings. Expressing your concerns in a straight-forward calm manner as they arise, instead of waiting till you can no longer put up with it, will also help dispel conflicts and improve communication in the relationship.

 

Even if you’ve been together for years, it sounds like much of that time has been you surrendering yourself to make him happy, while resenting him for not seeing the reality of your agreeableness. You have to tell him what you're really feeling and show this in your actions consistently. You shouldn't blame him for being confused about how you truly feel about the way he's being when you're being dishonest with both him and yourself. You can't expect to have a functional relationship with so much imbalance and dishonesty.

 

Voice your concerns with the focus on you - your thoughts, your feelings, your needs - because it lets the other person let their guard down and better know your side while not feeling as criticized or attacked. Negotiate and talk through disagreements. Stuff along the lines of:

 

“I don’t want to go to the bar because ____, but I’m willing to go tonight if you ____ with me another night.”

“When you choose to go to the bar instead of spending more time with me, it makes me feel ____.”

“I need ____ from you to feel you are putting as much into this relationship as me.”

Edited February 18, 2008 by eric82