sedgwick Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) I spent the day with two couples. Two are friends of mine who have recently decided they're in love with each other, and then my other friend brought along her new girlfriend. So they were all smoochy, and I was doing okay until I saw two of them do something my ex and I used to do. We went to visit someone I didn't know, and I ended up sobbing in this guy's bathroom. (Did any of that make any sense? Suffice it to say I cried in a stranger's bathroom.) One of these people is a mutual friend of mine and Joe's, but she knows me better so of course she's taken my side, heh. She said, "I remember how he used to talk about you." She had never said that to me before, and I asked her what she meant, and she said, "I remember the first time I saw him after he had started dating you, before I met you. He was telling me how beautiful you were and how well it was going." I tried to take that in without bursting into tears, but no luck. She hasn't seen him since before he broke up with me, which is in part good because I don't want to know how he's doing, and in part bad because I still don't know if he's dead or alive. She said, "He's just TOO OBSESSED, Sedgwick. He was never around. He couldn't come in off the road. He's the most obsessive musician I've ever met, and that's saying a lot." Then she said, "He's just bent on self-destruction." I haven't cried as much in a long time as I've cried today. God, I miss him. All the people I was with were hugging me and telling me not to apologize for crying, which of course made me both cry and apologize more. Ugh ugh ugh...goddammit this sucks. They were all telling me that he was an idiot and he let a good woman go and all that stuff your friends are supposed to say to you. They all seemed to feel that it was most likely not the case that he hated me or had forgotten me, but rather that he felt awful and guilty and had no idea what to say. But what can I do? I cannot and will not make this easy on him. He knows how I feel, and he knows where to find me. I have nothing more to say to him, except for the fact that I continue to tell him every f*cking night before I fall asleep that I love him totally, wherever he is. It's seven months today. Edited February 18, 2008 by sedgwick
Far Behind Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Hi...I have been reading your posts since joining yesterday. I truly feel your pain. I do what you do as I go to sleep at night as well. I figure putting it out into the universe can only send out positive energy. I wrote a letter tonight (on paper, what a novel idea) that I will never mail. But it felt good to do it. I am sorry you had such an emotional day.
miami45uconn Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I really see me being you at 7 months. I mean no offense to you i really hope the love wasnt real and im out of this SH** hole but i just cant see it happening. Today i found out my 20 yr old ex is doing the i like you older guy because you can buy me drinks at the bar thing. So today wasn't a good day for me either. Its weird theres like weeks at a time where i can think of her and shrug it off. But recently it has been so tough. I don't know why at all, all i do know is dreams are terrrrrrrrrrible. I can def. relate to the whole thing with seeing couples. It seems ever since ive been single ppl are deciding they want to get into relationships all around me. While the 2.5 years i was in one they were single and carefree. Just seeing people together happy is what gets me. I was SO happy just being together. And when i see that with other couples, i'll tear up immeadiatley wherever i am. I want to let go so bad, but it seems my mind is starting to like pain. Really wierd.
Far Behind Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Seeing couples is tough. I have been home all weekend, but happened to watch Hitch last night. I cried my eyes out at the end. I cried so much this whole weekend, in fact.
PinkRibbon Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I hope you do get to feeling better today. 7 months is nothing when it comes to the healing of your heart. It is so fickle. It can fall in love in an instant but can take a life time to heal. I am 4 and a half months and I still feel like I am day 2 of this nightmare. You have so much to offer a person. The right man for you will see that and appreciate all the bounty that you bring into his life. He will not run and hide from your love but rather grown and blossom and enjoy being in its light. And he in turn will love, protect and shelter you from any harm and that includes hurting you himself. That man will come for you when you least expect it. I know you are saying, as I say every hour or so, that I will never love someone like XXX. But the chances you will never love some like you did XXX but you will love them differently and they will love you better than XXX because they won't leave you. YOU will be the greatest gift to that person. So cry and hurt because through all the pain there is healing. Every tear is one more brick in the path that you travel. And someday someone will join you on your travel. Someone to walk with you, hold your hand and hold your heart and take care of your tomato plants. Lots of hugs because we all need them.
mistie03 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I met a friend for dinner last night. I hadn't seen him in a couple of years. I was telling him what happened and why my relationship with my ex ended. When I got home, I felt so sad. I had been doing so well! I then realized that it was because I talked about my ex so much last night. When I don't talk about him, I'm Ok. I've been thinking about him ever since. I am going to have to regroup and set my mind on the future again. I can't go back...... He doesn't love me. I have to accept that and believe that I will find a loving, caring relationship in the future. He's out there somewhere. One day I will meet him.
strife Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Sed, he's so lucky to have someone like you love him! I've read a lot of your posts and I'm just convinced that he's so lucky, but he isn't looking for the right things. And I hope there is a little love messenger out there, because I tell my ex I love him too
Author sedgwick Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) I appreciate that, strife. I was just thinking about how the first time he tried to break up with me for not being a musician, one month before he actually did so, it went down as follows: He was on the road and I'd been so excited to see him as soon as he got in. He called from the road the night he got in saying he was tired and wanted to go home and sleep. I told him I really missed him and asked him if he would be willing to sleep here. He came over and broke up with me. I cried my head off and asked if we could talk about it the next day, if I could just hold him that night. He got into bed with me but then said he was worried about leaving his bass in the van for even a couple of hours and wanted to take the bass home, but that he'd come over the next afternoon. I cried until he called the next afternoon and told me he didn't have time to come into town because he had to play a gig that night, so could I come to his place and then go with him to the gig from there. I did. We talked. He decided that what he really wanted was to break up with his band, not me, but he couldn't break up with the band so he'd tried to dump me instead. Before we could have this conversation, I had to sit and watch his rehearsal run overtime while worrying about whether I was about to really be dumped or not. So yeah. He didn't dump me that night, but then when I sold my book two weeks later and called to tell him, he told me he couldn't wait to come home and celebrate, and then he came home and told me he just couldn't love someone who wasn't a musician, and he left. That was my bookselling celebration. I haven't seen him since. But for the past 7 months, all I've done is beat myself up for not being good enough for him. For not being a musician. For being only a writer, which is so unimportant and unimpressive that his way of celebrating my book deal was to dump me. But I just confirmed my first banjo lesson for next week, so at least maybe I'll have a chance of getting him back if I can just learn to play really well. Edited February 19, 2008 by sedgwick
PinkRibbon Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 When will your book go to sell? Like to pick up a copy and read it.
Author sedgwick Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) Spring '09! Still in the editing process. Then there's designing the cover, selling foreign rights, setting up the book tour...lots to do between now and then! Oh how I wish it was a matter of turning in the first draft and having it published shortly thereafter. Edited February 19, 2008 by sedgwick
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