Is a no strings PA possible?

[Findingme]

I am also at the same time trying to learn new sex things to liven up my marriage. While I have such strong desires for my friend and can't just go for the NC route suggested, I also can't bring myself to just give up my marriage either. I have to at least try for my kids and because hubby is a good guy, if he was a jerk that would be different but he isn't.

[LakesideDream]

I am also at the same time trying to learn new sex things to liven up my marriage. While I have such strong desires for my friend and can't just go for the NC route suggested, I also can't bring myself to just give up my marriage either. I have to at least try for my kids and because hubby is a good guy, if he was a jerk that would be different but he isn't.

 

That's better than the alternative. My ex and I didn't have any sexual hangups, or problems, other than occasional periods of dooldrums (25 year marriage). I was pretty involved, especially in the last five years or so. I actually went to JC and took a massage class, did the once or twice a week hot bath massage thing. Her problem was never sex or orgasms, she was pretty freaky. Of course I had no idea that she had a very long term affair going.

 

Personally I am not a big fan of NC. I can imagine, and am willing to believe that there are situations where it's appropriate and works. It just never worked for me. I was in some contact with my ex for awhile, even with grown adult kids, they had lots of problems, she expected me to solve as she was so busy with "her new life". She didn't stop contacting me until I answered one of her emails by typing "you don't get it do you, I wouldn't piss on you if your hair was on fire". After that she kinda gave up her campaign of torment.

 

I would never initiate "NC" The concept of purposfully being "NC" with someone I love is unacceptable to me. I could honor my "friends" request for NC if she wanted it.

 

I spent 2 1/2 years trying to "repair" a marriage after the first "I need space" speach (please don't do that.. just say you are involved with someone else), when in fact there was no "relationship" to repair. they were just biding their time until kidds were out of the house and they could be together.

 

I would have much rather known immediately so I could have had a reasonable chance at a good and complete life. Bt the time I was 50 and she was gone, I was pretty used up. I'm just beginning to feel human again now.

[Cobra_X30]

I am also at the same time trying to learn new sex things to liven up my marriage. While I have such strong desires for my friend and can't just go for the NC route suggested, I also can't bring myself to just give up my marriage either. I have to at least try for my kids and because hubby is a good guy, if he was a jerk that would be different but he isn't.

 

Your already engaged in an emotional affair. That's not right is it?

 

When you take an action it's not something you can undo!

 

If your Husband is such a "good guy", why can't you appreciate that? Why can't you let him go find someone who will appreciate that?

 

Listen, at the end of the day... you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror. What do you want to see?

 

You want to get this "friend" out of your head... then realize it's just fantasy! The only thing he has that your husband doesnt... is not inside him... it's inside you. Remember that familiarity breeds contempt.

 

So, who do you want to be?

[Findingme]

That's better than the alternative. My ex and I didn't have any sexual hangups, or problems, other than occasional periods of dooldrums (25 year marriage). I was pretty involved, especially in the last five years or so. I actually went to JC and took a massage class, did the once or twice a week hot bath massage thing. Her problem was never sex or orgasms, she was pretty freaky. Of course I had no idea that she had a very long term affair going.

 

Personally I am not a big fan of NC. I can imagine, and am willing to believe that there are situations where it's appropriate and works. It just never worked for me. I was in some contact with my ex for awhile, even with grown adult kids, they had lots of problems, she expected me to solve as she was so busy with "her new life". She didn't stop contacting me until I answered one of her emails by typing "you don't get it do you, I wouldn't piss on you if your hair was on fire". After that she kinda gave up her campaign of torment.

 

I would never initiate "NC" The concept of purposfully being "NC" with someone I love is unacceptable to me. I could honor my "friends" request for NC if she wanted it.

 

I spent 2 1/2 years trying to "repair" a marriage after the first "I need space" speach (please don't do that.. just say you are involved with someone else), when in fact there was no "relationship" to repair. they were just biding their time until kidds were out of the house and they could be together.

 

I would have much rather known immediately so I could have had a reasonable chance at a good and complete life. Bt the time I was 50 and she was gone, I was pretty used up. I'm just beginning to feel human again now.

 

We have been married for 18 years. There have been good times and bad. He cheated when we were married less than 3 years but I stuck it out, mostly because I was pregnant with my middle daughter and I did love him besides I didn't want to be a failure AGAIN.

I WISH hubby was a little on the freaky side but he isn't. For 18 years I've kept desires right in my head and never told him because I didn't want him to be disgusted by me. Recently I decided to try to save this if possible and I suggest things, some things if it's about me that he's willing to try but if it's about him he gets this freaked out look of horror on his face. nothing big either, stuff people do on a daily basis.

I don't think he's having an affair but I've wondered a few times in our marriage if he was because of some of the things he's done and the way he's acted. He can also lie at the drop of a hat and I am a terrible lier and he knows that. When you see someone lie to someone else all the time and you know they are lying it's hard to believe them when they are supposedly telling you the truth.

I am glad you aren't being tormented anymore. But I am confused. I guess I would need to know your story to understand everything you are talking about.

When I talked with hubby I didn't tell him I need space, I did however tell him I am going home in July without him to think. I plan on spending a lot of time with my sis and partying and just being ME without him tightening the leash he has on me. It drives him crazy that I might actually have a good time without him! I tell him go on these hunting trips he keeps getting invited on but he won't.

About the NC thing, I tend to agree, I don't think it works, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. My ex well in his case I just have no desire to see him again. He tried to ruin my life so no thanks!

About the relationship repair paragraph. I have been thinking about that and my kids too, what is the best action? I am trying to repair this marriage, wish I didn't feel anything for my friend but I do, whether it's real or fantasy I don't know. I also still have kids at home and hate the thought of breaking their hearts, and hubby and I are getting older, if we can't make it work I'd hate to wait till we are both too old to find a decent mate so it's so hard to know what to do.

If you already posted your story can you post the link in this thread if you haven't can you tell it to me? THANKS!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hmmm so knowing the pain of infidelity your willing to risk, your mental health, physical health, family, kids , marriage. All because you cant seem to stop thinking about another man?

 

Are you that weak u cannot control your emotions?

 

The thing is since you've been betrayed, you are willing to put yourself in the cheaters shoes willingly. Why?

 

This man is not worth it!!!

 

He's just gonna use you and spit you out and your gonna be one of those older women stalking the club for younger men because no other dudes will want to be with you anymore. Harsh as that is, that's a possible reality.

 

Your in a good marriage you said so yourself. Why are you risking to jeopardize it. For some other man?

 

The affair is all in your own head!!!!

 

You must go NC!!!!

 

The question is you wont or you can't, pick one.

 

Because at the end of the day you make your own choices oblivious to what we all say here.

 

Just be forewarned.

[Cobra_X30]

We have been married for 18 years. There have been good times and bad. He cheated when we were married less than 3 years but I stuck it out, mostly because I was pregnant with my middle daughter and I did love him besides I didn't want to be a failure AGAIN.

 

1 strong piece of advice.

 

Never post personal photos. Do not provide any personal details that could bite you later. Just be wary!

[Meaplus3]

Let me give a little back ground on this sitaution. First off we haven't done anything physical. We are long distance so we only email. This was my first love and has been in my mind and heart for close to 30 years. I hadn't seen him since I was 18-19 and I married someone else ( BIG MISTAKE).

There was no big dramatic break-up with this guy, just lost touch. Since that time we both married different people, I re-married after my divorce. But I never got over him. I've had thoughts and dreams all the time the entire time since I last saw him! I met my husband in another state that the ex was stationed in and I really should have went home after my divorce instead, then maybe things would be different.

FFWD to a couple of years ago... I found him on the internet but did not contact. Last year my sister called him for me just to see how he was and if he was happy. FFWD again to this year... My hsband and I went home for a visit and I saw him, we've been emailing since. Neither of us is happy in our marriages but with so much invested not sure if we really want to end them either. His kids aren't his but he raised them, he has 1 daughter who tells him life is too short not to be happy. I have 3 daughters and only 1 is all the way raised and she tells me that I would never leave hubby. She's mine from a previous marriage. No she doesn't know that we are emailing, just that I am not happy.

Our emails have escelated from just chatting about little things or our lives to talking a little about our marriages, then we started talking about sex most of the time, things we wanted to do to and with each other. Now that is pretty much all we talk about. We've went through the guilt and not emailing for a month or so but came back. The last month we've not emailed as much, like maybe 1 every 2-3 days, He says he's just been busy but I think he's trying to back off and I've just been trying to back off trying to make my marriage work. BUT have been unable to stay away and we are back to emailing everyday.

I was thinking of leaving but been trying to think more of trying to make it better with hubby because I do love him. I also have always thought internet romances were a joke, how could anyone get emotionally attached to someone they don't even know and honestly how much do we really know each other anymore, we haven't been around each other in over 20 years. people can change a lot in that time.

At the same time I can't stop thinking about my friend and still want to have a PA with him. Now I am expecting to get flamed by some people but this is an honest question. Is it possible to just be physical with him once to get it out of my system? Then maybe I can move forward with my marriage because 18 years is a lot invested to just throw away; Or am I just kidding myself? It would be so much easier if this was all cut and dry but it isn't. It isn't just about having my cake and eating it too. It's a lot more than that. How can I give my husband 100% of me ( I've tried for over 18 years!) when I am still so hung up on my friend?

 

Finding, I think if your were to have a one time sexual R with this friend.. it would make thing's worse and not better.. it will not help you to move forward in your marriage.. the only way to do that is to let this friend go. You can't possibly give 100% to your marriage with this friend looming in the background. Does your H know about this friend?..

 

AP:)

[nadiaj2727]

I don't think a no-strings attached PA is possible in your case because it is only a distraction from reality and it will be dangerous to try to escape into a fantasy world instead of working on the issues in your relationship. I know because I have been there and done that, I wish I hadn't had to learn the hard way. I think first you should address the issues of what is leading you to seek something from this outsider to your marriage. I also think an affair couldn't be "no strings" because it would have an effect on your marriage, and you don't only have you to consider when you're married. If you really only want to consider you, I think you owe it to your husband to let him know this, and start divorcing. But as long as you are married, it is best to make decisions with the two of you in mind, and that means thinking about what's best for him and what you'd like him to do in the same situation. I think true love is about putting someone else's long-term interests above our own short-term interests or whims.

 

I wonder how you would feel if your husband was thinking about having a no-strings attached PA? I'm not trying to judge you, just get you to think about it from his point of view. I doubt you would think about any kind of PA your husband might want to have as "no strings." You would say, "what about our strings that we attached 18 years ago??"

 

Instead of trying to have your cake (your nice husband with his not-freaky side) and eat it too (your PA with a possibly freaky guy), why not try to look within the relationship and make it stronger? I admire your attempts to communicate with your husband regarding your sexual needs and desires. This is important. Perhaps the two of you could go to marriage counseling so you can tell him how important this really is to you? Or just sit down and tell him that it's gotten to a point where you don't feel desired and satisfied enough within the marriage that you are thinking of looking elsewhere. I've come to learn that honesty is the best policy in any relationship -- it couldn't hurt any more than having an affair would hurt!! Maybe you can read the book "Hot Monogamy" -- I've found it to be very helpful in showing how to recreate sexual chemistry in a long-term relationship, which naturally fades over time and is easy to lose when compared with the excitement of an illicit and passionate secret affair.

 

I think if you focus on bettering your marriage and, if that's not possible, getting a divorce before you start a new relationship, you will be much happier overall. Someone on here (I believe it was WWIU) told me a long time ago to always finish one relationship before beginning a new one, as that is only fair to everyone involved, including yourself. Because if you don't work on what's wrong in your current relationship (in terms of both your husband's efforts and your own efforst), the problems will just pop up later in another relationship. In my opinion a "no strings attached" affair won't solve anything for you, it may just make your problems worse. That's just my opinion of course, you have to do what you feel is best but I hope you will consider the effect this could have on your husband and what true love means to you. Good luck.

[Owl]

Is it possible to just be physical with him once to get it out of my system?

 

Nope...because he's already IN your system.

 

Others can do it, because they're not emotionally invested in the person at all.

 

Often, a PA will turn EA...the physical intimacy will often lead to emotional intimacy...some can keep it seperate (per Lizzie's post)...many others cannot.

 

In your case, its ALREADY emotional. Going physical will just add fuel to the fire.

 

The only way to get it "out of your system" is to break contact with him completely.

 

Make sense?

[Mustang Sally]

You asked if it's possible to have a "no strings attached" physical affair.

 

My opinion is no. I don't think both partners could keep it at that level over any significant period of time. Now...if you mean a ONS, then that's probably quite possible. Otherwise, I think it's an oxymoron.

[Findingme]

1 strong piece of advice.

 

Never post personal photos. Do not provide any personal details that could bite you later. Just be wary!

 

Done thanks!

I actually thought of that later so it's now gone.

[Findingme]

Finding, I think if your were to have a one time sexual R with this friend.. it would make thing's worse and not better.. it will not help you to move forward in your marriage.. the only way to do that is to let this friend go. You can't possibly give 100% to your marriage with this friend looming in the background. Does your H know about this friend?..

 

AP:)

 

Yes he knows he is my friend and that we used to be involved but not the emails or that I still have feelings for him.

I've been thinking a lot about this and honestly think this email thing will peter out before I go home. Some days I do a lot better and think this is a really bad idea and other days I just can't stay away.

[Findingme]

You asked if it's possible to have a "no strings attached" physical affair.

 

My opinion is no. I don't think both partners could keep it at that level over any significant period of time. Now...if you mean a ONS, then that's probably quite possible. Otherwise, I think it's an oxymoron.

 

That's what I was talking about, just a 1 time thing. Wondering if that was possible.

[Mustang Sally]

That's what I was talking about, just a 1 time thing. Wondering if that was possible.

Ok, then. Fair enough.

 

BUT.

You can't have feelings for him first...right?

 

Look to yourself for the answer to your question. I think you know how you really feel about it.

 

Good luck.

[Findingme]

I don't think a no-strings attached PA is possible in your case because it is only a distraction from reality and it will be dangerous to try to escape into a fantasy world instead of working on the issues in your relationship. I know because I have been there and done that, I wish I hadn't had to learn the hard way. I think first you should address the issues of what is leading you to seek something from this outsider to your marriage. I also think an affair couldn't be "no strings" because it would have an effect on your marriage, and you don't only have you to consider when you're married. If you really only want to consider you, I think you owe it to your husband to let him know this, and start divorcing. But as long as you are married, it is best to make decisions with the two of you in mind, and that means thinking about what's best for him and what you'd like him to do in the same situation. I think true love is about putting someone else's long-term interests above our own short-term interests or whims.

 

I wonder how you would feel if your husband was thinking about having a no-strings attached PA? I'm not trying to judge you, just get you to think about it from his point of view. I doubt you would think about any kind of PA your husband might want to have as "no strings." You would say, "what about our strings that we attached 18 years ago??"

 

Instead of trying to have your cake (your nice husband with his not-freaky side) and eat it too (your PA with a possibly freaky guy), why not try to look within the relationship and make it stronger? I admire your attempts to communicate with your husband regarding your sexual needs and desires. This is important. Perhaps the two of you could go to marriage counseling so you can tell him how important this really is to you? Or just sit down and tell him that it's gotten to a point where you don't feel desired and satisfied enough within the marriage that you are thinking of looking elsewhere. I've come to learn that honesty is the best policy in any relationship -- it couldn't hurt any more than having an affair would hurt!! Maybe you can read the book "Hot Monogamy" -- I've found it to be very helpful in showing how to recreate sexual chemistry in a long-term relationship, which naturally fades over time and is easy to lose when compared with the excitement of an illicit and passionate secret affair.

 

I think if you focus on bettering your marriage and, if that's not possible, getting a divorce before you start a new relationship, you will be much happier overall. Someone on here (I believe it was WWIU) told me a long time ago to always finish one relationship before beginning a new one, as that is only fair to everyone involved, including yourself. Because if you don't work on what's wrong in your current relationship (in terms of both your husband's efforts and your own efforst), the problems will just pop up later in another relationship. In my opinion a "no strings attached" affair won't solve anything for you, it may just make your problems worse. That's just my opinion of course, you have to do what you feel is best but I hope you will consider the effect this could have on your husband and what true love means to you. Good luck.

 

That's what I've been doing, trying to focus on making my marriage better. Learning new things to spice things up. Some things I suggest, he just says no. Or he says things like I can't do that, that would feel uncomfortable. I have to give him some credit, he is trying in some things, other things he just refuses and I am not just talking about sex, I am talking about the whole picture. We are working on this. Just so you know, in all these years even during the really dull or bad times I've never even considered cheating. I've never wanted anyone else, then I saw my friend again.

[Findingme]

Ok, then. Fair enough.

 

BUT.

You can't have feelings for him first...right?

 

Look to yourself for the answer to your question. I think you know how you really feel about it.

 

Good luck.

 

I already have feelings for him BUT I've been trying to figure out if they are just fantasies of what USED to be and not what really is. It makes it harder that he is LD otherwise I could go see him and see if what I feel is real or if he's even the same person as he used to be. I don't think he's ever cheated on his wife before either, he's really not that sort of guy. Weird how this happened like this.

Sorry I am rambling, just thinking outloud or in here as it were. Trying to make sence of everything and put it into perspective.

[Findingme]

Nope...because he's already IN your system.

 

Others can do it, because they're not emotionally invested in the person at all.

 

Often, a PA will turn EA...the physical intimacy will often lead to emotional intimacy...some can keep it seperate (per Lizzie's post)...many others cannot.

 

In your case, its ALREADY emotional. Going physical will just add fuel to the fire.

 

The only way to get it "out of your system" is to break contact with him completely.

 

Make sense?

 

 

Yes it makes sence, not sure if I will be able to do the NC, maybe slowly, does that work? haha

[Owl]

 

Yes it makes sence, not sure if I will be able to do the NC, maybe slowly, does that work? haha

 

Many of the OW here hate the "addiction" belief, but its pretty well grounded in fact. You're addicted to the way OM makes you feel. Its a psychological addiction, caused by normal brain chemistry.

 

You tell me...does an addict normally succeed when they try to wean themselves off their drug of choice?

[nadiaj2727]

That's what I've been doing, trying to focus on making my marriage better. Learning new things to spice things up. Some things I suggest, he just says no. Or he says things like I can't do that, that would feel uncomfortable. I have to give him some credit, he is trying in some things, other things he just refuses and I am not just talking about sex, I am talking about the whole picture. We are working on this. Just so you know, in all these years even during the really dull or bad times I've never even considered cheating. I've never wanted anyone else, then I saw my friend again.

 

Good for you for looking within your marriage to find what you need. It sounds to me like your husband is a real catch -- he is trying to make the relationship better, it sounds like he is really working hard. For the areas where he isn't, perhaps you should be brutally honest and say, "honey, I need you to pay attention to me and listen to what I need and try to do that for me, as I will do for you. That is what our marriage is about." I would even tell my husband (I'm not married) that I am slipping off into fantasy world because I am unsatisfied with our reality. I don't mean threatening an affair, just letting him know how bad things really are for YOU, so maybe that will catch his attention and help him work harder in those areas. I think so many times people "fall in love" with a third person and start complaining to them about their marriage without ever telling their spouse the truth about how bad things really are, so that the spouse has a chance to be informed and fix things. (Or, it could lead to divorce, but in my opinion, that is still better for both of you than an= supposed no-string-attached affair on your side.)

 

I think it's a good thing you are THINKING about all of this stuff instead of just letting yourself do something with this other guy and then claiming you couldn't help it, it just "happened" to you, it wasn't on purpose, blah blah blah. I think you will be much better off on your own and your marriage has a chance of getting better if you are hoenst with yourself, think it all through, and share it all with your husband.

 

That's why you need to go NC. You can't really focus on what is best for you and your marriage if you have OM around to distract you. OM is an escape. (In my opinion) you need to focus on your reality in order to be truly happy in the long-run. Good luck. I think you are doing things right by thinking about them and being honest with yourself. That's the first step.