Findingme Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) Let me give a little back ground on this sitaution. First off we haven't done anything physical. We are long distance so we only email. This was my first love and has been in my mind and heart for close to 30 years. I hadn't seen him since I was 18-19 and I married someone else ( BIG MISTAKE). There was no big dramatic break-up with this guy, just lost touch. Since that time we both married different people, I re-married after my divorce. But I never got over him. I've had thoughts and dreams all the time the entire time since I last saw him! I met my husband in another state that the ex was stationed in and I really should have went home after my divorce instead, then maybe things would be different. FFWD to a couple of years ago... I found him on the internet but did not contact. Last year my sister called him for me just to see how he was and if he was happy. FFWD again to this year... My hsband and I went home for a visit and I saw him, we've been emailing since. Neither of us is happy in our marriages but with so much invested not sure if we really want to end them either. His kids aren't his but he raised them, he has 1 daughter who tells him life is too short not to be happy. I have 3 daughters and only 1 is all the way raised and she tells me that I would never leave hubby. She's mine from a previous marriage. No she doesn't know that we are emailing, just that I am not happy. Our emails have escelated from just chatting about little things or our lives to talking a little about our marriages, then we started talking about sex most of the time, things we wanted to do to and with each other. Now that is pretty much all we talk about. We've went through the guilt and not emailing for a month or so but came back. The last month we've not emailed as much, like maybe 1 every 2-3 days, He says he's just been busy but I think he's trying to back off and I've just been trying to back off trying to make my marriage work. BUT have been unable to stay away and we are back to emailing everyday. I was thinking of leaving but been trying to think more of trying to make it better with hubby because I do love him. I also have always thought internet romances were a joke, how could anyone get emotionally attached to someone they don't even know and honestly how much do we really know each other anymore, we haven't been around each other in over 20 years. people can change a lot in that time. At the same time I can't stop thinking about my friend and still want to have a PA with him. Now I am expecting to get flamed by some people but this is an honest question. Is it possible to just be physical with him once to get it out of my system? Then maybe I can move forward with my marriage because 18 years is a lot invested to just throw away; Or am I just kidding myself? It would be so much easier if this was all cut and dry but it isn't. It isn't just about having my cake and eating it too. It's a lot more than that. How can I give my husband 100% of me ( I've tried for over 18 years!) when I am still so hung up on my friend? Edited February 18, 2008 by Findingme content
Lizzie60 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 To answer your question : yes it is possible.. I only have PA with no strings attached... Is it possible to just be physical with him once to get it out of my system? Then maybe I can move forward with my marriage because 18 years is a lot invested to just throw away; Or am I just kidding myself? It's hard to say... could be both ways... you might be more obsessed after you have sex with him, therefore more unhappy at home... or you can move on... no one can predict the future.. but my guess is that you will fall even more for him.... Women, like me, that can have A for years without any strings ARE RARE... Most of the time, women fall in love even more after the sex. Some women even fall in love with the guy after they have sex with him for the first time, not even knowing him that much. It's playing with fire in your case.. but if you think you can do it.. go for it!
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Its possible, though I don't see it happening in your case. It sounds like you are already too far into it for it to be 'just sex'. The key is to be fairly content already without the affair, and to be simply looking for some outside take-it-or-leave-it excitement. If you are unhappy in your marriage, then you are less likely to be able to have an 'no strings PA only' because when you lack happiness and contentment in your relationship and you look for it in an affair you are far, far more likely to suffer emotional entanglement.
Author Findingme Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 To answer your question : yes it is possible.. I only have PA with no strings attached... Is it possible to just be physical with him once to get it out of my system? Then maybe I can move forward with my marriage because 18 years is a lot invested to just throw away; Or am I just kidding myself? It's hard to say... could be both ways... you might be more obsessed after you have sex with him, therefore more unhappy at home... or you can move on... no one can predict the future.. but my guess is that you will fall even more for him.... Women, like me, that can have A for years without any strings ARE RARE... Most of the time, women fall in love even more after the sex. Some women even fall in love with the guy after they have sex with him for the first time, not even knowing him that much. It's playing with fire in your case.. but if you think you can do it.. go for it! I just don't know, it's like I have to see him and be with him to know if what I feel is real or is it just the same replayed crush from years gone by. HOWEVER I have to add, we had sex before when we were together but it was teenage stuff, NOTHING like the stuff we talk about now and I want so bad to experience with him the stuff we talk about. Somedays I want to be with him as in a couple but others I think I just want to have sex with him and f*** him out of my system. KWIM?
Lizzie60 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Oh.. I was under the impression you had nothing physical with him.. that's what you said in your post..
GreenEyedLady Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 HOWEVER I have to add, we had sex before when we were together but it was teenage stuff, NOTHING like the stuff we talk about now and I want so bad to experience with him the stuff we talk about. Somedays I want to be with him as in a couple but others I think I just want to have sex with him and f*** him out of my system. KWIM? First, I think it is possible to have a no-strings PA...But it would have to be something short and with no real conversation...Otherwise, after awhile, you'll probably get attached...Key word: probably... Second, how would having such close, intimate, physical contact going to get him out of your system? It's more likely that it would keep him there...
Author Findingme Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Its possible, though I don't see it happening in your case. It sounds like you are already too far into it for it to be 'just sex'. The key is to be fairly content already without the affair, and to be simply looking for some outside take-it-or-leave-it excitement. If you are unhappy in your marriage, then you are less likely to be able to have an 'no strings PA only' because when you lack happiness and contentment in your relationship and you look for it in an affair you are far, far more likely to suffer emotional entanglement. I guess I am not understanding, if someone was fairly content why would they look elsewhere for excitement? No I am not content, while sex has been good with hubby it hasn't been all that exciting. ALTHOUGH since reading on this board I have learned stuff I never knew and treid it out and the sex has gotten way better. But I am a little PSD at him because he already knew what and where a G-spot was and never tried it. WHY NOT? We still haven't mastered that but at least he keeps trying now. He got so complacent in that he knew 1 way to make me cum and that's what he did every time. I must say that since I've been reading I've learned how to give better oral and he noticed and actually said he it's a lot better and he can tell I've been studying. HAHA Hubby is really trying now but I wonder if it's just a little too late. I thought about and dreamed about my friend every few weeks but now it's at least 3-4 times a week. I used to dream I was trying to find him and would wake up sad and sometimes crying because I couldn't find him, now I dream about sex with him, dream about being with him. The other day I dreamed I met his wife and was depressed because she was so pretty. I don't even know what she looks like as I've never met her. He's told me that his wife is overweight and just doesn't turn him on anymore. To be honest I KNOW it's got to be more than just physical because in all the time I knew him years ago I never knew him to be shallow or cruel. He's one of the good guys who just isn't happy but doesn't want to hurt her either. Same with my hubby, he's a good guy, and I don't want to hurt him either. So it's like ok where do we go from here?
Author Findingme Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Oh.. I was under the impression you had nothing physical with him.. that's what you said in your post.. No, you assumed right, we haven't had anything physical in over 20 years but we did when we were teenagers, We were together for about 3 years off and on, mostly off because of geographical things and then we just lost contact. During those 3 years we we were together we always had contact through the letters and phone calls. I am going home for a visit without hubby this summer and I want to see him and trying to decide if I really want to move in that direction with him or would it be a mistake. And at the same time wondering if I can stay away?
Lizzie60 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 No, you assumed right, we haven't had anything physical in over 20 years but we did when we were teenagers, We were together for about 3 years off and on, mostly off because of geographical things and then we just lost contact. During those 3 years we we were together we always had contact through the letters and phone calls. I am going home for a visit without hubby this summer and I want to see him and trying to decide if I really want to move in that direction with him or would it be a mistake. And at the same time wondering if I can stay away? Well maybe if you reconnect with him.. you'll realize that things have changed and that, in reality, you don't have the same feelings. Hard to say... only you know what's best for you.
Author Findingme Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 First, I think it is possible to have a no-strings PA...But it would have to be something short and with no real conversation...Otherwise, after awhile, you'll probably get attached...Key word: probably... Second, how would having such close, intimate, physical contact going to get him out of your system? It's more likely that it would keep him there... I know that sounds off the wall but the reason I wonder that is because everytime I talk to him(email) I get so.... um ...horny that I can't think straight. So it make me wonder if I just had sex with him, all the things we talked about then maybe I could move on and it wouldn't be exciting anymore.
Author Findingme Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Well maybe if you reconnect with him.. you'll realize that things have changed and that, in reality, you don't have the same feelings. Hard to say... only you know what's best for you. That's what I am trying to figure out, if in fact when we came face to face with the reality of BEING together would we really feel the same or is it just make believe? That sounded like a corny song. If I knew what was best for me and could actually follow through I wouldn't be in this place that I am! HAHAHA I am not real good at actually doing what's best for me.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 The only way a no strings PA possible is with two consenting adults who are both legally single!!!! The thing is now, your on your second marriage. Do you really want to leave your current hubby for a 3rd with a guy who you havent seen for so long thinking the grass is greener. The only way you commit to your H is to put the OG in the past completely!!!! I mean NC. Your focus is elsewhere and that is why you can never move on you gotta bury it, in your head and your heart for any chance of ever giving 100 of yourself to your H. You should have focused on your issues a long time ago before you got married a second time!
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I guess I am not understanding, if someone was fairly content why would they look elsewhere for excitement? I'll use a popular philanderer/restaurant analogy: Think of it this way. Let's say that Restaurant A is your favorite restaurant, and you eat there every night. You love it, you get great service, but over time the menu is predictable, and you know what you are getting every time you walk in the door. You aren't unhappy with it, but one night, you decide to go to Restaurant B - a whole new dining experience. You love it, but it doesn't change the fact that Restaurant A is your favorite place and you will continue to go there regardless of where else you may eat every now and then. You are more like someone who eats at Restaurant C, eating mundane stuff and wishing for something more palatable - its not your favorite, and the service is only so-so but it seems like the only place you can get to. You'll continue to to got Restaurant C out of loyalty and need, but you really did wish there were something better for you out there. So, you have an opportunity to check out Restaurant D, which sounds great to you and what if you like it? You may find that you don't want to go back to Restaurant C anymore. What's the difference? In the first scenario, the person knows that A is his/her favorite, no questions asked. Nor will anything sway them from it continuing to be their favorite. In the second scenario, yours... you just aren't happy with your restaurant in general. Being content for some doesn't mean you aren't curious and willing to act on that curiosity from time to time.
dont know what to do Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I am totally new to this whole thing, only been in my A for 3 months, but what started out for both of us as just "sex" turned emotional on both sides. I was just coming out of a 4 yr marriage, he was a MM(but didn't tell me at first) so we began a physical R that was absolutely incredible and now we're both attached to one another. All I wanted was to explore every sense of my new found freedom, experiment a little and see what's out there...I basically wanted to have sex with no strings attached, but it didn't turn out the way I had wanted. Since you two have history together, having sex with him may rekindle what you once had and turn into a full on A, but then again it could satisfy your curiosity and get out of your system for good...only time will tell. It's your risk to take so do what you want but be prepared just in case the emotional side of things takes over or you find that you just can't walk away after one night of bliss!!!
st951 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 others I think I just want to have sex with him and f*** him out of my system. KWIM? I know exactly what you mean, you start obsessing over this guy and after a long time it seems that it would be better to just get it overwith so that you could go back to your normal life and not be thinking about it all the time and burning up, which is such torture. But you have no real reason to believe that you would get over it if it turned out to be really good and that's a risk that you might not be up to taking. Having a nice husband makes it way too risky.
LakesideDream Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Finding, A lot of this sounds very famiiar to me! Like the ladies, I think you are fooling yourself if you think that you will be satisfied with a short (or otherwise) PA. Between folks like us, it's hard to get enough, or even to let go when probably you should. I'm currently in a situation that grew out of where you are now. There has been more than my share of saddness and loneliness over the past few years, I'm not sure whether i'd reccomend it whatever the eventual consequences. My ultimate suggestion is that you must follow your heart. Keep your children in mind as well. Remember, you can play it safe, which may also be unhappy or boring... or you can burn bright and leave a smoke trail. Gotta go, my ass is on fire.
Author Findingme Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 The only way a no strings PA possible is with two consenting adults who are both legally single!!!! The thing is now, your on your second marriage. Do you really want to leave your current hubby for a 3rd with a guy who you havent seen for so long thinking the grass is greener. The only way you commit to your H is to put the OG in the past completely!!!! I mean NC. Your focus is elsewhere and that is why you can never move on you gotta bury it, in your head and your heart for any chance of ever giving 100 of yourself to your H. You should have focused on your issues a long time ago before you got married a second time! I HAVE TRIED to bury the feelings, think I accomplish it then out of the blue I'd have another dream and be so sad for days afterwards. And you are right, that's why I said when I got divorced the first time I should have went home and dealt with it then. But at the time I had a little girl and kept thinking it was wrong to take her away from her Dad. so I stayed there. When hubby and I got married I was REALLY emotionally, mentally, and physically so beat down I just needed stability and safety. He gave me that and I really do love him. The NC thing doesn't REALLY work. Oh it might keep you from messing around but it doesn't help to give 100% to your spouse. We had no contact for over 20 years, didn't change how I felt about him. When the guilt got to us we had NC for a month and I was even worse. My emotions were all over the map.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I HAVE TRIED to bury the feelings, think I accomplish it then out of the blue I'd have another dream and be so sad for days afterwards. And you are right, that's why I said when I got divorced the first time I should have went home and dealt with it then. But at the time I had a little girl and kept thinking it was wrong to take her away from her Dad. so I stayed there. When hubby and I got married I was REALLY emotionally, mentally, and physically so beat down I just needed stability and safety. He gave me that and I really do love him. The NC thing doesn't REALLY work. Oh it might keep you from messing around but it doesn't help to give 100% to your spouse. We had no contact for over 20 years, didn't change how I felt about him. When the guilt got to us we had NC for a month and I was even worse. My emotions were all over the map. NC does work. but you gotta expemplify your focus. And keep it going. There was a girl I loved once and she treated me like dirt for a long time. Until I snapped on her and moved on, went NC and never looked back. When I think about her I get small pangs but I'm not stuck in nostalgia mode either. You can do it.
Author Findingme Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 I'll use a popular philanderer/restaurant analogy: Think of it this way. Let's say that Restaurant A is your favorite restaurant, and you eat there every night. You love it, you get great service, but over time the menu is predictable, and you know what you are getting every time you walk in the door. You aren't unhappy with it, but one night, you decide to go to Restaurant B - a whole new dining experience. You love it, but it doesn't change the fact that Restaurant A is your favorite place and you will continue to go there regardless of where else you may eat every now and then. You are more like someone who eats at Restaurant C, eating mundane stuff and wishing for something more palatable - its not your favorite, and the service is only so-so but it seems like the only place you can get to. You'll continue to to got Restaurant C out of loyalty and need, but you really did wish there were something better for you out there. So, you have an opportunity to check out Restaurant D, which sounds great to you and what if you like it? You may find that you don't want to go back to Restaurant C anymore. What's the difference? In the first scenario, the person knows that A is his/her favorite, no questions asked. Nor will anything sway them from it continuing to be their favorite. In the second scenario, yours... you just aren't happy with your restaurant in general. Being content for some doesn't mean you aren't curious and willing to act on that curiosity from time to time. Ok, I get it. Like your analogy. Funny how it does fits. I've actually been thinking a lot that I eat a lot of hamburger when what I REALLY crave is a nice juicy steak. While the hamburger puts food in my belly even when I am done I STILL CRAVE THAT STEAK! How's that one?
Author Findingme Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 I am totally new to this whole thing, only been in my A for 3 months, but what started out for both of us as just "sex" turned emotional on both sides. I was just coming out of a 4 yr marriage, he was a MM(but didn't tell me at first) so we began a physical R that was absolutely incredible and now we're both attached to one another. All I wanted was to explore every sense of my new found freedom, experiment a little and see what's out there...I basically wanted to have sex with no strings attached, but it didn't turn out the way I had wanted. Since you two have history together, having sex with him may rekindle what you once had and turn into a full on A, but then again it could satisfy your curiosity and get out of your system for good...only time will tell. It's your risk to take so do what you want but be prepared just in case the emotional side of things takes over or you find that you just can't walk away after one night of bliss!!! I know, I am trying to weigh it all, I think about it ALL the time in 1 form or another. And not knowing how he feels makes it just worse!
Author Findingme Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 others I think I just want to have sex with him and f*** him out of my system. KWIM? I know exactly what you mean, you start obsessing over this guy and after a long time it seems that it would be better to just get it overwith so that you could go back to your normal life and not be thinking about it all the time and burning up, which is such torture. But you have no real reason to believe that you would get over it if it turned out to be really good and that's a risk that you might not be up to taking. Having a nice husband makes it way too risky. First paragraph..... right on the money! It's intense torture! I feel like I just can't even think straight sometimes because all I can think about is him. I've thought about the second paragraph so many times. That's why I posted this thread, wondering at the possibility of it. I think he could because he's a male, no offence to the male readers, just seems like men can do the PA only easier than women can. And when we were together all those years ago he was an older guy and maybe I was just the girl of the time, maybe he had no real feelings for me at all. My feelings were MUCH deeper than that, I really loved him back then, would have done anything he asked. So I constantly ask myself if it's worth the risk and I have no answers to that. And the other thing..... what if we are just talking, what if we can't go through with it? I am sure that would be the best thing all around.
Author Findingme Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Finding, A lot of this sounds very famiiar to me! Like the ladies, I think you are fooling yourself if you think that you will be satisfied with a short (or otherwise) PA. Between folks like us, it's hard to get enough, or even to let go when probably you should. I'm currently in a situation that grew out of where you are now. There has been more than my share of saddness and loneliness over the past few years, I'm not sure whether i'd reccomend it whatever the eventual consequences. My ultimate suggestion is that you must follow your heart. Keep your children in mind as well. Remember, you can play it safe, which may also be unhappy or boring... or you can burn bright and leave a smoke trail. Gotta go, my ass is on fire. First I have to say that your smoke trail, ass on fire comment made me laugh my ass off! That was some funny sh*t. ok, to your post..... If you read my thread in the seperation and divorce forum it gets a little deeper into the marriage aspect of this. It's the unfulfilled physically and emotionally.... thread. That might make things a little clearer. I wonder if I am in already too deep to get out unscathed or if I even want to. I think I do then I get an email and I can't! I just want more! I am not saying I am NEVER happy with hubby because that would be a lie, he makes me laugh but for a long time we didn't laugh with each other anymore, barely talked without arguing, then when I told him I was considering leaving it's like he snapped out of it and is trying a lot more. The sex has livened up and we laugh again but I still can't stop thinking about and dreaming about my friend. And my kids are part of the reason I am still here now. It would not be easy on them if I did leave. Now sure how an PA would affect them, especially if nobody but us ever knew. KWIM? That's why I was thinking maybe I could just have sex with him and get over him. Ya know, finally get that big juicy steak I crave so badly!
Author Findingme Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 NC does work. but you gotta expemplify your focus. And keep it going. There was a girl I loved once and she treated me like dirt for a long time. Until I snapped on her and moved on, went NC and never looked back. When I think about her I get small pangs but I'm not stuck in nostalgia mode either. You can do it. I know what you are saying when talking about the girl. I am like that in things. I come to a point where I just hit a brick wall and I am done, no turning back. I was almost to that point with hubby when I told him. I actually wrote him a letter because every time I tried to talk to him before that he would interrupt me and turn it all around on me like our life has just been 1 reaction instead of any actual actions. But after talking we've both tried a lot more. It's not fixed by any means but we are laughing together again, talking again without all the arguing. BUT my friend STAYS on my mind, 24/7. Which is why I brought this up. I have tried NC but can't stay away, (even when we went a month without talking I wrote him emails I knew he wouldn't get to an old email address he used to have, just so I could tell him how I felt and still talk to him even if it wasn't REALLY him), at least not yet, not ready to give him up yet. That's why I was thinking if I just had sex with him and got it out of my system then I could give him up.
LakesideDream Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Finding, Even your choice of words is similar to mine. I call my (MM) gal "my friend", and she is in every sense of the word. We were High School lovers as well, seperated for 30 years, re-united just in time for an EA nearly identical to yours followed by a white hot Long Distance PA. Circumstances forced that to end and here I am six years later moving 700 miles, starting life over at 57 just for the chance of being with her. The major difference in our tales is that my kids were both adults and her oldest was 17 when we "started back up". Maybe as a male, and a geezer to boot, I can answer a question, or offer a piece of advice or experiance to you, you are in a tough place.
Author Findingme Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Finding, Even your choice of words is similar to mine. I call my (MM) gal "my friend", and she is in every sense of the word. We were High School lovers as well, seperated for 30 years, re-united just in time for an EA nearly identical to yours followed by a white hot Long Distance PA. Circumstances forced that to end and here I am six years later moving 700 miles, starting life over at 57 just for the chance of being with her. The major difference in our tales is that my kids were both adults and her oldest was 17 when we "started back up". Maybe as a male, and a geezer to boot, I can answer a question, or offer a piece of advice or experiance to you, you are in a tough place. Wow our stories are very similier except I don't think he is as emotionally involved as I am. I am thinking that when we were teens and we lost touch he didn't look back while I haven't been able to get him out of my mind. I think while we do email when he's living his life I am not on his mind like he is on mine. The kids make it really tough. When I wrote hubby the letter that I was considering divorce he put it on the night stand and left it there. About 30 minutes ago my youngest daughter (12) came down stairs to confess that she read the letter today and cried. I wished that I could have promised her we were getting divorced but I couldn't. I did however tell her that we both love them very much, I can't tell her a lie that we won't but if we do it wouldn't have anything to do with them. That she can't control how another person feels. I didn't really know how to answer her but I couldn't bring myself to lie either. My oldest is 22, youngest 12 with a new grand daughter. Keep me updated on how things are going, I am really interested in your story as it does seem VERY close to mine! Thanks so much for taking the time to talk to me!
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