xfess Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I’ve been dating this girl for over a month now - and overall it’s been great. We have things in common and we have a great time together in each others company. But 2 things have been slightly bothering me the past week - I’m not use to it because this is my 1st relationship that I’ve taken seriously since HS and College. Anyway my 1st problem is that it seems like I have to be the person to initiate anything when showing signs of affection. For example: I have to grab her hand so we hold hands, I’m the one giving her kisses for "just being her" but she’s never done that for me. Now, she’s told me before in an email (read below for my second problem) about herself – here’s an excerpt from part of an email a few weeks ago - I took her on a surprise date to a hockey game (which she loves), I bought her a single rose, and we went to Dave and Busters after the game for dinner and fun. Thank you again so much for last night. You really have no idea how much that meant to me that you surprised me like that and had a great night planned for us. It's not often that someone did something that sweet for me, in fact I can't even remember the last time lol But anyway, I truly appreciated it : ) I have a problem expressing my emotions; it's been a flaw of mine for as long as I could remember, so a lot of times I am a hard person to read. I just wanted to make sure you knew how much it meant it to. I think you are a great person and I am so0o happy that I met you! **** I guess my question is how can I get her to break out of this shell and express some emotions and be a little more affectionate. My second problem is.... Is it more of a norm for guys and girls to communicate more via emails and text messaging than on the phone? In the month we've been dating I believe that when we aren’t together on a date, we communicate by texting each other or emailing each other via myspace - I think if you put it in a ratio of texts/emails to seconds on the phone it would almost be at least 3:1. We still have good conversations when we're together but rarely do we talk on the phone. To be honest it doesn’t bother me much because I’m more of a person to talk in person than on the phone, but I was wondering if this is normal.
Tanaquil Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 For what it's worth I'll share my perspective on this. I've spent the last year a half dating a guy who was initially very difficult to read. Amazing guy, but kind of quiet and a bit reserved. He admitted early on that he finds it difficult to express deep emotions and has trouble opening up to people. Given time, he's become MUCH better about expressing his emotions to me and it has helped our relationship a lot. Have you talked to her about this at all? I mean, you shouldn't be pushing her to reveal emotions she's not ready to share yet, but just letting her know that you find it hard to read her emotions sometimes is a start. Maybe just telling her how much you appreciated her note where she expressed her emotions could be a start. At any rate, I'd say to give her some time to open up--some people just have a little more difficulty being open than others. In regards to your second question, phone/texting time totally depends on the relationship. I live fairly close to my bf and see him often so the only time we talk on the phone is to figure out when we're meeting up. However, last year we spent a few months apart and wound up spending hours online and on the phone. I know my sister's ldr is mostly texting because she's not a phone person, while some of my friends hate texting with a passion and refuse to respond to them. So basically it just depends on what works for you and your girl.
BetrayedMM Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 It sounds like what you have here is a nasty little problem called "fear of intimacy". Google that. Good luck.
Author xfess Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 I havent pushed or talked to her regarding this. I did not want to really say anything that would push it at this early stage of a "relationship". I dont know her past - who she's dated or if any of them have really treated her badly. I can understand the text/emails - Im not one to really have a long phone conversation with someone that I talk to in person on the regular..... I think my 1st problem is really the thing im slightly worried about now. Its not that we have any problems while we're together (no fights/arguments). We make plans to go out when our schedules are good during the week and we hang out with our own friends on the weekends. But it just seems so awkward and 1 sided, when I kiss her or put my arm around her shoulder something goes through my mind "does she want me to?" "Is she comfortable with this?"
Tanaquil Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I think my 1st problem is really the thing im slightly worried about now. Its not that we have any problems while we're together (no fights/arguments). We make plans to go out when our schedules are good during the week and we hang out with our own friends on the weekends. But it just seems so awkward and 1 sided, when I kiss her or put my arm around her shoulder something goes through my mind "does she want me to?" "Is she comfortable with this?" From the note you posted it doesn't sound like she's uncomfortable so far. It's understandable that things are a bit awkward if she's not terribly responsive to your moves, but given the note I'd say just relax and give things some time.
Walk Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I think if you give her a couple months to feel more comfortable with you, it might help. Let her see what kind of person you are, and that its safe for her to express herself. A month is an incredibly short period of time. If after a couple months she's still not expressing her feelings in a more pronounced way, then talk to her about it. Let her get to know who you are first.
Kiss Dont Miss Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I also had a problem of telling my bf about my feelings, and how I felt, though he was very open. Some time passed and things became much easier. Now it's me who tells him "I love you"...Talking about feelings is much easier when there are some... Take your time... Good luck
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