once_golden Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 some of you know my story - some of you don't. quick rehash - married 8 years to a man i still love. had an affair that lasted 4 months (1 month EA, 3 months PA). couldn't find the strength inside myself to end it and go NC, so i confessed everything to my husband. the affair has been over for 1.5 years. i still see this man occasionally at school because he is a professor and i am a student in a medical program. we do not have phone contact or any other kind of contact - he and i avoid each other carefully - but still - it's a small enough school that sometimes you round a corner and there he is. i cannot transfer and he was not fired. i have 3 months till graduation, and i cannot wait to leave that place and never see him again. ANYWAY - my question is this - for those in this forum that were the BS - how long did it take for you to start to really get over the affair? i have made every effort in the last year and a half to love my husband with my whole self, to be as unselfish as i can be, to support him when he needs it, to not pressure him to get over it, and to just love him completely. we've had our rough spells - we just came out of a 4 day black hole of depression and crying (me doing the crying). i hurt all the time b/c of the guilt i feel. but if he's happy and doing ok, then i'm happy and doing ok. this last 4 day spell was brought on by the fact that he said he isn't sure if he wants to have kids anymore. this leveled me, as the most important thing for me is to have a family with him, to have his children. so i was so crushed i could barely function (now i know what it feels like...). anyway, i don't want to rush his healing, i don't want to hurt him anymore, and i realize that the fact that i still run into the OM occasionally at school makes it really hard for him to start to heal. i just wonder when it really starts to feel better and you start to really see a future with your spouse again. when do you stop living day to day and start living for the future? thanks.
LakesideDream Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 You pretty much answered your own questions. As long as you are in contact with the OM, by choice or not it's going to be difficult if not impossible for your H to get over the mess. As for him not "being sure" about having children with you... It's only been a year and a half, 500 days since you invited another man to penetrate you. It takes a lot longer than that to re-establish enough trust to commit to a life long relationship. For a man (or a woman I suppose) to make that committment he has to be sure he's going to have a better than good chance of having a relationship that will last at least as long as it takes for the children grow up. Additionally, it helps if he can feel positive that the children will actually be his. There is nothing more fear inspiring than the possibility that the child you are raising, or paying for is actually not your child. I say kudo's to your husband for being honest with you. If he's not "sure" yet, so be it. It may be that he will never be sure. That's the risk that cheaters, all of us, take when we make the decision to become intimate with someone outside our marriage. As for "how long" it takes a BS to "get over it".. I couldn't tell you. I found out over 7 years ago, and haven't wanted anything to do with her since. Literally, if she was in the hospital dying, I wouldn't spend the time to visit her.
TMCM Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 O_G, I'm sorry to hear that your husband told you that he's not sure that he wants to have kids. Please remember that what people say and what people ultimately end up doing, are two totally separate things. It's been said that for a betrayed spouse to fully recover from his/her spouse's affair, it can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years (so far it's only been 1.5 years). If you have the fortitude, I would suggest that you seriously consider conveying to your husband that you understand his reluctance to have kids and that you will give him a divorce if that is what it's going to take to make him happy. If he loves you, he will not take you up on your offer but he will definitely feel very good because you are willing to make such a great sacrifice. It can also take away the desire for flight, since he will no longer be able to view the marriage as a heavy yoke. If he chooses to remain married to you it will because he wishes it and not out of any feelings of obligation towards you. I truly hope that you and your husband will be able to transcend the affair and rebuild the marriage into a much happier and healthier one. God bless.
eeyore1980 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 It's been 5 months for me now since my husband had his affair, and it is getting worse instead of better. Of course, our situations are different, as you confessed to your husband, while my husband just lies and lies and lies to me. Once you get out of school and have no more contact, things will probably start to get better, just keep in mind it has to be tough on your husband knowing you still see the guy, whether you mean to or not. Something attracted you to him in the first place, and he probably has very reasonable fears that will be re-ignited any day now. This is what cheating does, it messes things up. It sounds like you are truly sorry for what happened, and I'm sure that helps your husband.
Curmudgeon Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 ANYWAY - my question is this - for those in this forum that were the BS - how long did it take for you to start to really get over the affair? ...to some extent for her affair. So it took forgiving myself to actually get over it. That didn't occur until after our divorce five years and another affair on her part later. I'm now married again and any infidelity would be an instant deal-breaker.
Owl Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 It really depends...what are the two of you doing to recover from the affair? Have you tried understanding why you had the affair? Learned about how to recover a marriage from an affair, either via professional counseling or by doing some research through a lot of the material that's out there today? How have you "made amends" to him? (Good example...ANY kind of continued interaction with your OM was likely a continued stab in the heart for your H...he probably still has a lot of healing to do STILL as a result of that continued contact). Just "trying to get past it" won't heal your marriage, won't heal you, won't heal your H from the damage of the affair. There's a lot of WORK that has to go into this...what 'work' have the two of you done to recover? It took us about two years to 'recover'...and we were blessed with some great counseling and a 17 year wonderful marriage to help us recover. Without that work, without good 'help', and depending on how good the 'foundation' of your marriage is, it could take much longer...or forever. Make sense?
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