Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 The definition of settling is: you want X but you accept Y even though you still want X. Art Critic's definition is more like "I used to want X, but now after thinking about it / living a lot of life / learning more about myself, I actually want Y." Okay. And that's the author's exact point. "At 20, I wanted X in a man. But now after spending 15-20 years chasing after X and not getting it, I've realized that Y will probably fit better. So I'll take Y, despite the fact that if I was still 20, I'd be wanting X."
directx Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Okay. And that's the author's exact point. "At 20, I wanted X in a man. But now after spending 15-20 years chasing after X and not getting it, I've realized that Y will probably fit better. So I'll take Y, despite the fact that if I was still 20, I'd be wanting X." And I, personally, totally disagree with that. God forbid you 'settle', and then meet someone that blows your load. How depressing would that be. I want it all or nothing, and I'm prepared to have nothing, because I want it all.
norajane Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Okay. And that's the author's exact point. "At 20, I wanted X in a man. But now after spending 15-20 years chasing after X and not getting it, I've realized that Y will probably fit better. So I'll take Y, despite the fact that if I was still 20, I'd be wanting X." Actually, I read the article differently: "At 20, I wanted X in a man. But now after spending 15-20 years chasing after X and not getting it, I've realized I'm willing to settle for halitosis and a guy who makes my skin crawl when he touches me just to have a guy, despite the fact that I still want X.
Trialbyfire Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 1) Handsome - a nice to have. 2) Smart - priority 3) Kind - a nice to have within reason. Nothing mooshy or squishy. - Faithful - priority - Respectful - priority 4) Successful - if this is amended to read as having drive - priority 5) Shares common interests and core values - priority 6) Great chemistry - priority 7) Sane - #1 priority Hmmm...looks like I won't be settling, considering all my priorities.
Nemo Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 "At 20, I wanted X in a man. But now after spending 15-20 years chasing after X and not getting it, I've realized that Y will probably fit better. So I'll take Y, despite the fact that if I was still 20, I'd be wanting X." A point very well made, Star.
Nemo Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 1) Handsome - a nice to have. 2) Smart - priority 3) Kind - a nice to have within reason. Nothing mooshy or squishy. - Faithful - priority - Respectful - priority 4) Successful - if this is amended to read as having drive - priority 5) Shares common interests and core values - priority 6) Great chemistry - priority 7) Sane - #1 priority Hmmm...looks like I won't be settling, considering all my priorities. I think you forgot one: 8) Inches
directx Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 1) Handsome - a nice to have. 2) Smart - priority 3) Kind - a nice to have within reason. Nothing mooshy or squishy. - Faithful - priority - Respectful - priority 4) Successful - if this is amended to read as having drive - priority 5) Shares common interests and core values - priority 6) Great chemistry - priority 7) Sane - #1 priority Hmmm...looks like I won't be settling, considering all my priorities. I got 5 out of the seven...
Art_Critic Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I think you forgot one: 8) Inches That would be settling ? ... That is settling because all the while you are getting 8 inches you wished it was 9 ...
directx Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I think you forgot one: 8) Inches Make it 6 out of eight
Ariadne Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Well, For some reason I don't take anyone seriously that uses "Friends" as a basis for any comparison, since I find that show to be beyond retarded. Kind of like that article. But this is all a consequence of the idiotic women's "liberation" movement. Women are being told to focus on their careers and being independent. The result is that you end up having a bunch of 30 year old college educated single women. Not like in the 50s or prior to that, where landing a good husband was a goal. And now women are being told, well, if you are 30 and single, might was well settle for the first thing that comes around. What makes the problem even worse is that guys are appalled at 30 year old women looking for a husband and to start a family. Over and over I see this in the forums, guys being terrified of such women and seeing them as having a plague. And instead, dating the 20 year olds since they are not in a "hurry to get married."
Kamille Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 1) Handsome - a nice to have. 2) Smart - priority 3) Kind - a nice to have within reason. Nothing mooshy or squishy. - Faithful - priority - Respectful - priority 4) Successful - if this is amended to read as having drive - priority 5) Shares common interests and core values - priority 6) Great chemistry - priority 7) Sane - #1 priority Hmmm...looks like I won't be settling, considering all my priorities. Bah nor should you settle. The list is missing my number 1 priority: makes me laugh (good sense of humor).
Storyrider Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 And, just as easily, that can change again. You always have to settle for what you once wanted. Doesn't our present self often sell out our future self? Like when you stay on LS all day instead of doing laundry and then the next day you don't have any clean underwear. The only other option, besides always being good and doing your laundry, is to never to change again.
norajane Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) I know I keep harping on the divorce issue, but we keep forgetting about the MEN that are being settled for in this equation. Here is one example, in a thread appropriately titled "should I settle...": I love her dearly. She is a great hommaker, great person, great wife and more importantly mother for our kids. Everyone loves her. But she is so simple and I am not and we have a disconnect. With that said, she and I have grown apart. There is no spark. We have sex maybe once a month and are only 36. I am a very sensual, touch feely (not overbearing). She does not like to be intimate, to kiss, to do much. Her life is family and the home. Its not all bad. We get along but its more cordial like friends. We really do not fight or anything, but it is just not doing it for me. I feel like I am 60 in my relationship. I do not know what to do, and have felt this way for a long time. I do love her. Now, about six months ago, comes a hot, smart, funny, spunky, fun attractive 25 year old into my life. We had sparks right away. You could feel it. I would NEVER hit on her of course. So about a month ago she comes out and tells me she cannot deny the sparks and basically wants to be with me. I felt the same way. I made the trip to her house and we had tremendous sex. Sex 4 times in a night. We did this a few times and our relationship has blossomed, and we have spent tons of time together and talking. We are crazy in lust already and this could go places if I am not careful. She is basically my girlfriend now. She knows my status, she is fine with it. She is scared and we have discussed everything, all the possibilities including breaking it off and or us dating to see if I can improve my marriage and maybe making a change. I just do not know what to do. Should I settle for the sake of kids and commitment if my marriage is lame. Or should I try to get help in my marriage and see if I/we can improve things and go from there and maybe make a change down the road if it does not get better. I feel awful and selfish but I deserve more. My wife is great but something is just not right obviously. Thanks for your input. Just know I am a decent human being, and good provider, husband and father. I want to be happy and minimize pain and risk.These MEN we are being told to settle for are actual people, you know. THEY might not enjoy being settled for. And might decide to bang a young 25 year old, and divorce the woman who settled for him. And leave her all on her own, as before. Settling is no guarantee of staying settled. Edited February 18, 2008 by norajane
johan Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Doesn't our present self often sell out our future self? It's called your rate of time preference. It's a relatively rational decision, but people with low rates of time preference tend to stand in judgment of those who have high rates of time preference. Or else they just make money off of them.
Storyrider Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 It's called your rate of time preference. It's a relatively rational decision, but people with low rates of time preference tend to stand in judgment of those who have high rates of time preference. Or else they just make money off of them. Like with a high-interest loan, for example?
Curmudgeon Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Not a fair comparison. Your ex was...not good. But with your W, you're not THRILLED, right? Aren't you settling right now, Curm? No, the ex was not good. As far as I know from the children, she remains not good and I'm certainly glad she's nowhere around. No again. I'm not thrilled with my wife right now but since a very long and direct talk last week she's trying hard and I'm supporting her in that effort. If I didn't think there was something -- no -- a lot worth saving I'd be out of here. I don't consider that settling. I made a commitment 11+ years ago. I'm willing to do the hard work to live up to it so long as my wife does her part. As I wrote in my Valentine's card to her, when we were good together there were none better. It's time we were good together again! We've been there before so the potential is great.
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 What settling is to one person, may not be to another. Happiness comes within first and one cannot rely completely on their spouse to 'complete' them, let alone entertain them and make sure ALL their needs are met 24/7. Majority of world is much more selfish and have high expectations of needing...Needing attention, ME ME ME, feeling high's and running from the low's in life (hense possibly mid life crisis, problems, bordem..Which lead to affairs or depression, or sometimes suicide) so really, what is settling? Having an awesome sex life, but a so-so relationship, or an evened out sexual relationship and a good happy, healthy relationship that may not be sooo exciting and passionate, but that person loves you, you love them, he/she accepts you for who you are, quirks and all.. Okay, I guess I better go read the link..lol
Ariadne Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Majority of world is much more selfish and have high expectations of needing...Needing attention, ME ME ME When you love, you have to become nobody. If you remain somebody, then love never happens. ~Osho You want a love which is born out of meditation, not born out of the mind. ~Osho
Trialbyfire Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Being highly selective upfront, doesn't make you a selfish person. If anything it hopefully makes you someone who when they finally commit, due to the highest number of hits on the compatibility list, is less likely to become just another divorce statistic.
johan Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 The whole article is not about settling. It's about changing your criteria to find something more compatible with what you want in the long term. The title shouldn't be "Marry Him". It should be something more along the lines of "Grow Up" or "Pull Your Head Out of Your A$s".
Storyrider Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Being highly selective upfront, doesn't make you a selfish person. If anything it hopefully makes you someone who when they finally commit, due to the highest number of hits on the compatibility list, is less likely to become just another divorce statistic. Yeah, but I'm also skeptical about that EHarmony site that matches people up based on their "dimensions of compatibility." You can be compatible with someone on paper and just not have that spark. The spark is vital.
Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 The whole article is not about settling. It's about changing your criteria to find something more compatible with what you want in the long term. The title shouldn't be "Marry Him". It should be something more along the lines of "Grow Up" or "Pull Your Head Out of Your A$s". That's how I read it as well.
Trialbyfire Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Yeah, but I'm also skeptical about that EHarmony site that matches people up based on their "dimensions of compatibility." You can be compatible with someone on paper and just not have that spark. The spark is vital. I agree but then chemistry is one of the priorities. By the same token, chemistry can't make a lasting relationship, if that's all you have in common. It's all or nothing. Either all cylinders are firing "Go" or you might as well stop wasting your time. Otherwise, you're going to spend more time trying to hash out issues, than trying to move forward.
Storyrider Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I agree but then chemistry is one of the priorities. By the same token, chemistry can't make a lasting relationship, if that's all you have in common. It's all or nothing. Either all cylinders are firing "Go" or you might as well stop wasting your time. Otherwise, you're going to spend more time trying to hash out issues, than trying to move forward. True. I have had that before. Chemistry but no future b/c of personality differences.
Nemo Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 By the same token, chemistry can't make a lasting relationship, if that's all you have in common. Well, that's only because real life dictates that one of you has to get out of bed at some stage.
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