norajane Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Again, the divorce rate being what it is, marrying a man, any man for whatever reason, is no guarantee you won't end up old and alone, if that is your fear! Men choose to divorce spouses who don't want to be touched, or who use them as walking wallets!
allina Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 It will be interesting to take a poll of all these "average, sane, happy and successful females" who were on the cutting edge of feminism in another 10 or 15 years and see how many are alone and are also still feeling happy and fulfilled. I forgot to add this. Not wanting to run off and marry the first willing guy does not equate to feminism. I am NOT a feminist and I'm not trying to make any sort of feminist stand on this topic and the article.
Curmudgeon Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Correction, I now live in Berkeley And what's soooo insane about San Francisco? Personally living in a beautiful city full of delicious food, art, culture and nightlife, where you can make a decent living among intelligent, smart, hardworking people seems like a good idea to me What's sane about that place, especially lately? Back to the subject at hand, there's a huge difference between those who need a man for financial security and support and those who want a man for emotional security and support, and visa versa.
OpenBook Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 But it is your memories of the passion that make this later contentment possible. If you don't have that, then you don't have a romantic foundation to build upon. You will have a nice friendship as a marriage. For some people, this might be enough. If so, fine. Again, I disagree. Love can grow. The foundation of a successful marriage isn't based on romance. It's based on compatibility, and character.
Curmudgeon Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I forgot to add this. Not wanting to run off and marry the first willing guy does not equate to feminism. It equates to intelligence. By the way, I'm married to one of the original '70s, bra-burning feminists. What they were and wanted then bears little or no resemblance to what Gloria Steinem and her ilk have since espoused and turned the movement into. It's an interesting marriage. Original feminist, hippie midwife married Vietnam type combat veteran and former narcotics agent. How did that happen and what makes it work?
Storyrider Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Again, I disagree. Love can grow. The foundation of a successful marriage isn't based on romance. It's based on compatibility, and character. I think if you have/find someone who shares your values, you'll be good to go then.
allina Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 What's sane about that place, especially lately? Back to the subject at hand, there's a huge difference between those who need a man for financial security and support and those who want a man for emotional security and support, and visa versa. Ok, well I'm not going to go off topic in defending my choice where to live. I will leave it with saying that I LOVE the Bay Area and what it offers and represents I am not saying that wanting to have a relationship and to be loved is a negative thing. I'm very committed to and head over heels for my bf The difference is that I'm not with him because I feel like he will provide me with marriage and security later in life but because he brings joy to my life with his presence. Suggesting to women to settle in order to get a husband is not profitable to anyone, not to the woman or the man. Talk to the woman who settled in order to marry in 15 years and you'll see that she's the miserable one, not the "feminist" who is alone (fyi unmarried does not equal alone)
OpenBook Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I think if you have/find someone who shares your values, you'll be good to go then. If I was leaning toward getting married, you'd be right!
Storyrider Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 he brings joy to my life with his presence. That's it for me too. If you have joy on several different levels (the more levels, the better) you're on the right track. If your building is 5 stories high and his elevator only goes up to floor 3, you may not be happy over the long haul.
Nemo Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I feel like he will provide me with marriage and security later in life I respect your honesty.
Curmudgeon Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 ...but because he brings joy to my life with his presence. No one could argue with those reasons. I love my wife because I like who I am with her far better than who I was without her. ...(fyi unmarried does not equal alone) No it doesn't. The years between my divorce and marrying my wife were spent living like a monk and I was anything but lonely even with a self-imposed, monastic existence. I actually became my own friend and learned to enjoy my own company.
johan Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 ...he makes my back arch up in spasms of joy... Well, whatever floats your boat.
Storyrider Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I respect your honesty. Well, whatever floats your boat. Never settle for men who misquote you, Allina. It will only lead to heartache.
Nemo Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I actually became my own friend and learned to enjoy my own company. Do you pay double at the movies?
allina Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Never settle for men who misquote you, Allina. It will only lead to heartache. Never, not even if I was 35 and single *gasp*
Nemo Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Never settle for men who misquote you, Allina. It will only lead to heartache. Well, to be honest, that sort of nonsense only comes from spoiled only children with rich parents. Reality is something they will never have to deal with.
monkey00 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I have a belief that no one wants to be lonely or die alone in this world. And for those that are miserable or OK after settling would rather have that than coming home to nobody. We are social animals after all with needs.
Curmudgeon Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Do you pay double at the movies? I get a senior discount which makes us even!
Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I don't think so.. I come from the camp that believes we adjust our expectations to a more realistic expectations.. A person who adjusts their expectations is showing self esteem and the ability to change in the ever lasting journey of living a fulfilling life. That's the very definition of settling, isn't it? You might dream your whole life of owning a Porsche. When given the choice of cars, you "adjust your expectations" for a more reasonable, realistic vehicle - something that fits your budget better, perhaps - say, a nice Acura. By purchasing that Acura, you're not only adjusting your expectations but you're settling.
Curmudgeon Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I have a belief that no one wants to be lonely or die alone in this world. And for those that are miserable or OK after settling would rather have that than coming home to nobody. We are social animals after all with needs. ...I would much rather return to an empty home for the rest of my life than have the ex there waiting for me. If I was still married to her, instead of retiring they'd one day find me slumped over having assumed room temperature at my desk. That would have been far preferable to being with her 24/7!
Citizen Erased Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I agree about Ross and Rachel...she should have settled for Joey tho What a bunch of BS. I'd rather be single forever then settle for someone. I already have to settle for the family I was thrown (okay, born) into
monkey00 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 ...I would much rather return to an empty home for the rest of my life than have the ex there waiting for me. If I was still married to her, instead of retiring they'd one day find me slumped over having assumed room temperature at my desk. That would have been far preferable to being with her 24/7! Ahaha..it was probably a little extreme of me to say miserable. Living in misery is not living at all, if it were me I'd rather be alone also.
Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 ...I would much rather return to an empty home for the rest of my life than have the ex there waiting for me. If I was still married to her, instead of retiring they'd one day find me slumped over having assumed room temperature at my desk. That would have been far preferable to being with her 24/7! Not a fair comparison. Your ex was...not good. But with your W, you're not THRILLED, right? Aren't you settling right now, Curm?
sunshinegirl Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I don't think so.. I come from the camp that believes we adjust our expectations to a more realistic expectations.. A person who adjusts their expectations is showing self esteem and the ability to change in the ever lasting journey of living a fulfilling life. That's the very definition of settling, isn't it? You might dream your whole life of owning a Porsche. When given the choice of cars, you "adjust your expectations" for a more reasonable, realistic vehicle - something that fits your budget better, perhaps - say, a nice Acura. By purchasing that Acura, you're not only adjusting your expectations but you're settling. The definition of settling is: you want X but you accept Y even though you still want X. Art Critic's definition is more like "I used to want X, but now after thinking about it / living a lot of life / learning more about myself, I actually want Y." I used to want an outgoing, gregarious, Christian guy for a life partner. I have an introverted atheist boyfriend. Am I settling? No - because what I want has changed.
Nemo Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 No - because what I want has changed. And, just as easily, that can change again. You always have to settle for what you once wanted.
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