Peter_pan Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Right! why on earth can i not shake this feeling of wanting her back so badly even though i KNOW she has a new bf? when i am out i can only think of her smile and no one else has the same one. when i was with her i didn't even acknowledge how much these things made me happy. and then she is kind, caring, attractive, smart, artistic, can cook, has good fashion sense, cute voice, cute laugh, perfect body, my perfect girl in many many ways yet i always wanted something different when i was with her? wtf. now i keep getting a very very strong feeling i want to contact her and put things right, but why? she has made it clear she dosnt have the same feelings and as i said she has a new BF. why the hell wont this sink in. why cant i move on. why am i glorifying her? why didn't she want me back?
sedgwick Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 The guy who dumped me actually told me on occasion that he'd never had it so good. He said I was so many of the things on his "list" of traits of the perfect woman that it was scary, but then ultimately, after almost a year together, he came home from tour and broke up with me on the weekend we were supposed to be celebrating the selling of my book. His reason? That I am not also a musician, and he just feels like whoever she is, the love of his life is an old-time fiddle player. I just feel like he's totally moved on and forgotten about me. I'm sure your ex felt the same. If she's anything like me, she just felt that she could never please you. My self-esteem is totally beat to sh*t from being with this guy, which is ridiculous. She may be feeing the same. I'd say tell her as plainly and clearly as possible how much you love her and want to be with her, but be prepared to be rejected. Why didn't you want her when you had her? What did you think was out there that was better? I would be really interested to know.
Author Peter_pan Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 i know i have made it VERY clear how much i love her. a 7 page email with all our good times etc and how she makes me the happiest person in the world. she told me that she dosnt believe i am the best guy for her and that we would always be happier with someone else or on our own or whatever. she knew i wanted to propose to her to show her how serious i am about her. but she said she has changed and its not what she wants anymore. she is sorry and her feelings are different for me. she wants me to move on and be happy in life and be spontaneous and fulfilled. take every day as it comes. i guess because i was 17 when i met her and being with her was all i knew i had this thing in me that said you need to experience more of life before settling down with one girl. try different girls basically. but only now do i realize she is the only one i need and i dont need to try other girls. it was all in my head. every guy can imagine what it would be like to have sex with another girl but you must leave it there in your mind that was all. and plus i had grown bored of her at some points even sex. so that cant be good especially as i was only 19. but during our 2 months of friends the sex had never been so good. and i thought everything was going very well. so when i wanted her back i was gutted to no she said she didnt want me and now has a new guy
norajane Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 (edited) You keep going through this, as I said on your other thread, because you have not yet accepted that it is over. You are still hoping to get her back. You will not heal until you accept that it is done. It's your first love and your first break-up, so it has hit you hard. You are so young at 20...you don't know yet that things have a way of working out for the best in the end. Meaning, the person you fall in love with at 16 is very rarely the person you actually want to be with when you're 30. You change so much in the next decade, and you would likely find yourself feeling bored or feeling stuck or out of love as the decade progressed if you were still together. For your ex, that has already happened! You are not the guy she wants at 20 even though she wanted you at 16: she told me that she dosnt believe i am the best guy for her and that we would always be happier with someone else or on our own or whatever. she said she has changed and its not what she wants anymore. she is sorry and her feelings are different for me. The ending of this relationship frees you to one day find a woman who is a better fit for you, the you that you will become over the next decade. You also aren't realizing that there are many, many people out there that you could fall in love with and be happy with. There is no 'the one'. There are many "ones". But you can't get to any of that unless you accept this relationship is over. You will, given time. You have to grieve first, which means you have to accept she's gone... Edited February 17, 2008 by norajane
Author Peter_pan Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 (edited) a part of me knows you are right, but then why wasnt i happy with her? if i cant be happy with someone that was crazy about me and did anything for me and i just pushed them away then who the hell will i be happy with? why was it so hard for me to love this person that loved me back? and why did it take until i dont have her to realize my mistake? when i was 16/17 i wasn't in love with her she was just a girlfriend to me. as time went on i grew to love her. deeply. where she loved me and grew not to love me. god. how can i accept she is gone. it just dosnt work in my head. i have grieved. even though i have physically seen her with him, i don't live with her and don't see her anymore. how does she know the feeling for me isn't there when she didn't give us a chance to live apart... and now she has him i cant show her it may still be there because for my own sanity i cannot torture myself talking to her knowing she has a new bf. do you know what, i still have this "feeling" that i would be happier with someone else WHY. why grrrr. its totally unrealistic. but its like it wont go away. i had it the whole time i was with her and couldn't get it to go away. why couldn't i have just enjoyed my time with her instead of worrying about the future. Edited February 17, 2008 by Peter_pan
norajane Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 do you know what, i still have this "feeling" that i would be happier with someone else WHY. why grrrr. its totally unrealistic. but its like it wont go away. i had it the whole time i was with her and couldn't get it to go away. why couldn't i have just enjoyed my time with her instead of worrying about the future. Dude, why would you not pay attention to that instinct??! Obviously, your gut knew that it wasn't the right relationship for you - that's why you kept feeling it. You said in one of your threads that you were bored at times, even with the sex. Don't you get it that YOU weren't all that into her, and now you are because she's gone? Because you can't have her? I guarantee, if she came back, you'd be in the exact same place you were before after while...thinking she's not right for you.
Author Peter_pan Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 (edited) that is scarily true and maybe i cant handle it because she has someone new and i don't.... well that brings me to my next thought and question, if i wasn't for what ever reason satisfied with her, why? she did everything for me and loved me dearly. i got on with her family and vice versa. maybe her looks were for me but SHE herself wasn't. sometimes when i was with her i did feel as though i should be with someone else but didn't know who or why. there was something there that just wasn't right. do you think i have lied to myself for a great deal of time and really if i had a doubt i should have ended it. in a way i became to attached and was hoping something better would come along but it never would because i was with her.. but.... even now i do know i COULD be extremely happy with her... i was just not ready for living in a house with all the responsibilities with her... and with that out the equation i could finally be happy with her and never look back? something deep down told me that yeah if we got back together (when she asked me to move in with her) that this feeling would come back and we wouldnt work... that was there for a reason and its again because i thought there is someone better now i am in a dilemma, if i dont ever find someone that i consider better then i shall always always regret EVER thinking that. and i shall be hearbroken for ever. and if i stayed with her then that feeling my never leave me and i would always be miserable. ok i need to breathe. what do i do? this space HAS definitely made me see what i had, BUT i still DONT have anything else to compare it to ...... so i think i have reached a conclusion. go and try and find what i believed would be better and if i dont find it cry forever. is my feeling worth the risk? i mean im to late now with her anyway. she dosnt want me. so my feeling had better be right. and maybe i wasnt ever that into her i just thought i was. im majorly confused right now Edited February 17, 2008 by Peter_pan
norajane Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 even now i do know i COULD be extremely happy with her... i was just not ready for living in a house with all the responsibilities with her... and with that out the equation i could finally be happy with her and never look back? something deep down told me that yeah if we got back together (when she asked me to move in with her) that this feeling would come back and we wouldnt work... that was there for a reason and its again because i thought there is someone better Look, she's a woman who wants to live with her man. You are not into that, not with her. That makes you two completely wrong for each other and if you tried to fit into that role, you'd be miserable, not extremely happy. You're 20! You haven't even started LIVING your life as an adult. You will meet someone else.
dfreeman Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I guarantee, if she came back, you'd be in the exact same place you were before after while...thinking she's not right for you. None of us want to admit this, but as bad as my pain is, if I got back with my ex, it would have to be because BOTH of us realized our mistakes and got help in not returning to that pattern. if I got back with the old her (while acting like the old me) we wouldn't last two months. You have to be honest with yourself if you want to heal - 90% of any feelings I have of wanting her back are probably just because I can't have her (add to this the fact that I know the guy she is likely to date next and you've got yourself a jedi mind-f##k special) I just can't wait for this epic ping-pong battle between my head and heart to get over with!!!
Author Peter_pan Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 well this conversation has made me realize MY faults and i want to admit them to her as i never did. and i hope she would think about it. when i said i always thought there would be someone better what i really meant to say was someone different "new" and exciting. but i have identified all my problems and now know she is undoubtably one of those "ones" and i would do anything to have another try with her. this would have been so much easier if she didn't get a new bf straight away
Nemo Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 but i have identified all my problems Somehow I doubt that.
Author Peter_pan Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 ok from the start, break up... why ? felt stuck, bored (routine) felt needed a change of situation and person why? stress, grass is greener, playing role i didn't fit into and resulted in being unhappy, didnt realize what i had so mis treated her, had nothing to compare it to and it was just normal to be "with" her. love? yes i do love her. smile, laugh, voice, eyes, skin , being with her, being in her company. back together now > future? would it become boring? would i ever feel loved like she used to have for me? if not then the feeling that i could be happier else where will creep in again, future, she would fullfil my dreams, family, marriage, content, complete, not lonely. reason i had doubts i thought having lots of friends would make me happier- true but she equals more friends i can count with fingers and toes being free- yes its nice to not have stress or feel like an old married couple, but this is just a temporary feeling and loneliness soon creeps in i like the look of other girls, but who dosnt? I have now realized what i have this time round and wouldnt let it slip away and resent myself for having it. i wouldnt have the though that the grass is greener when its NOT. thoughts of other girls that i see can stay as thoughts not an ambition because i was miserable she felt unwanted and couldnt please me and so she gave up and moved on once she found someone else. i was never truly happy being in the situation i was in because i hadnt experienced the so called greener grass and i envisioned things would be better else where when they are not, i felt tied to her and would have fun with something different. When in fact i have had the best times of my life with her but tried to fight it because of my sub conscience. but if i look at it for how it is now. she has changed, dosnt have the same feelings for me anymore, has new bf, she may not be the caring person i once knew, she could change further down the line and i would end up heart broken again. could i take her back now and be happy or would i constantly worry about what she was doing and who she was with ? probably. am i wanting back what i actually had and now cannot get that back, at least with her?, things just "wouldnt" be the same anymore. ultimatly i would give anything to have another chance, this time round i would want to be with her not because she wanted me to be with her and in a way i resented being stuck in a "married" couple lifestyle. i truly believe if she wanted to give us another chance we would be stronger than ever before what does everyone think
Nemo Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 i like the look of other girls, but who dosnt? You, apparently. i truly believe if she wanted to give us another chance we would be stronger than ever before How "strong" were you, really? I mean, you didn't even realise that she was faking it. I wonder how many other things she was faking, just to avoid conflict.
Author Peter_pan Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 yes i mean i cant help liking the look of certain girls. i appreciate beauty. why would she avoid conflict, this was happening whilst we where breaking up..
Recommended Posts