curiousnycgirl Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 OK I hate to be the voice of dissension (yet again) but you have GOT to be kidding me here right? Your b/f probably didn't make the plans he had mentioned because he didn't think the two of you would be together for valentine's day. Honest to goodness you dump him so often, for no reason - to tell the truth that is what I would have expected too. And why on earth to you measure the value of your relationship on material things? What about the fact that this guy keeps taking you back every time you create drama out of nothing? Again you are being way too insecure. 1. no you did not break up with him. You appropriately expressed your disappointement that he did not deliver on what he said he was going to do, nor did he substitute those plans with something else. 2. as said by others when he posted he would not be getting any he meant from you because he was afraid you would be angry and would withhold sex - guys speak that way all the time. I suggest you tell him that gifts are really not necessary (unless you really believe they are) - your disappointment stemmed from the fact that he had said he would do something, and he didn't. DO NOT measure his feelings for you by how much he spends. at least IMHO that is superficial - measure his feelings by what he does.
Jilly Bean Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Fray - you are reaping what you have sown. You have broken up with him numerous times in the past month, only to insist on having him back in your life immediately afterwards. I think you can see now what happens when you play with someones emotions as you have. The guy is turned upside down, and has probably (rightfully) pulled back from you somewhat and is mistrustful, as he never knows from day to day if you will dump him or want to be with him. As far as the gift thing - sounds like you only gave him a gift with the expectation that he get you something in return. I guess "it's better to give than receive" doesn't apply with you, as it seems like your gift had a lot of strings attached. Fray - you just seem SO hard to please...
Author fray718 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 I txted him with what florida said and his reply was 'I dont know, just be more aware, and less of a retard.' Ugh! I feel like he is just pretending to be stupid. He should know to get me some last minute flowers as damage control. I sort of feel right now that he is just using me for sex. Ugh!! Norajane - yesterday we had lunch and I paid (cuz he paid for dinner the last time we got together) and then he treated me to movies and drink and dinner came around I offered to pay cuz I said he paid for movies and drinks and he let me. Basically, it was nothing out of the ordinary that we did and I ended up paying more for him that day than he did. Honeslty I would not have been pissed if he didnt get me anything HAD he not implied this last weekend. Like I said, last weekend he said he believes in mutual exchange of gifts when it comes to v day, which to me means he was gonna get me a gift for sure. He also promised me v day plans like renting a hotel but he did NOTHING for me. I just feel so decieved. I expected gifts and plans ONLY because he said he would. Then suddenly he backs out of it cuz he's broke??? I"m 95% sure he is not broke. I'm trying my best to give him a break but if he's not even going to do damage control right now it's just really hard for me to forgive him.
Florida Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) I txted him with what florida said and his reply was 'I dont know, just be more aware, and less of a retard.' Ugh! I feel like he is just pretending to be stupid. He should know to get me some last minute flowers as damage control. I sort of feel right now that he is just using me for sex. Ugh!! Norajane - yesterday we had lunch and I paid (cuz he paid for dinner the last time we got together) and then he treated me to movies and drink and dinner came around I offered to pay cuz I said he paid for movies and drinks and he let me. Basically, it was nothing out of the ordinary that we did and I ended up paying more for him that day than he did. Honeslty I would not have been pissed if he didnt get me anything HAD he not implied this last weekend. Like I said, last weekend he said he believes in mutual exchange of gifts when it comes to v day, which to me means he was gonna get me a gift for sure. He also promised me v day plans like renting a hotel but he did NOTHING for me. I just feel so decieved. I expected gifts and plans ONLY because he said he would. Then suddenly he backs out of it cuz he's broke??? I"m 95% sure he is not broke. I'm trying my best to give him a break but if he's not even going to do damage control right now it's just really hard for me to forgive him. He may be playing dumb, I'm guessing he wanted to do something nice, like he said, then reconsidered at the last minute. Maybe didn't want to come off like a little doormat puppy guy. More likely something in his heart froze up at the thought of giving too much when the time came (I don't mean monetarily either) I think he thought about the break ups and maybe decided HE wanted to see if you would treat him unconditionally if he disappoints you. Or something close to that. If you want him, given the history, you may have to suck this one up and hope next V-Day is with less traumas, less push pull problems. But you could mention that you thought he was going to do what he said, and it disappointed you-then just drop it! Does this sound right? What do you think? Edited February 18, 2008 by Florida
Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I agree with Curious. Your BF never made the plans for the hotel, Fray. Why would he? Given how often you dump the poor guy, why would he assume that you'd still be around? Particularly if he's broke, why would he put down that kind of money? There are TONS of things your BF could have done for you that don't cost a dime, or very, very little. That said, even an uber broke, unemployed guy who's not even committed to me still managed to send me something thoughtful for V-Day. While men may HATE feeling obligated to express mushy love and stuff on V-Day, they pretty much all KNOW that it's important and that they'll likely be in the doghouse if they do NOTHING. Your BF knew this too. He's not dumb. I don't like his reaction in his post. He's not worried about having upset you and hurt your feelings. He sounds flippant, and only concerned that he's not going to get laid for a while until you have yet another change of heart. I think what you're experiencing now is the result of playing with someone's emotions. He's growing tired of the endless drama. Drama is inevitable with you, so why should he bother putting in any effort? He doesn't trust you, doesn't have faith in the relationship...and for good reason. Why should he? Don't say, "Oh but things have been great the past 5 days" - that's nothing. You need a firm, solid foundation before you can expect any real change or demonstration on his part. I agree with JB too, you really are nearly impossible to please.
Author fray718 Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) Ok update! Well after his second text, I called him up and explained that I really would be happy if we just had a simple v day with just hanging out like we did. I said I was only upset because he brought up the whole mutual exchange of gifts thing and the whole hotel plans thing yet it did not even come close to happening. My bf said he's very sorry...and he said that this time he feels he is the one who is wrong, 100% wrong. He said he knows he screwed up. He also said when I got mad, he got really scared (I'm thinking all this is totally diff from the positng he had on that car msg board but like someone said that msg board was to a bunch of his car buddies so he might have just been downplaying it, dunno for sure though) He explained that he only found out he was broke just on Thurs night when he checked his bank account and he only had 30 bucks left cuz he's been overspending without keeping track and it barely hit him (in my mind, I"m thinking how irresponsible!). Anyway, we sort of 'made up' and he cooked me dinner as a token of his apologies. For some reason, as I left his place, he gave me that weird/sad/concerned look. I don't know if it's just me imagining it. I have no idea. We'll see when next week rolls by. P.S. I know I've done wrong to my bf before but I don't think that gives him an excuse to just 'botch' up v day as he said. Since he took me back, it also means that he has to put in effort to the r/s as well. Here not only did he put in zero effort, but he also made 'promises' so to speak that he did not keep about our plans and gifts. Not exactly promises per say but I think you all know what I mean. If he wants it to work, then he has to try as well. It take two people to tango. If he doesnt want to try, then what's the point of getting back into the r/s!! esp since I spent $85 on the gifts to him.. and in fact I do believe that if I say I love you to my bf that he say it back because why would i want to love someone who doesnt love me. Similary, why should I keep giving (gifts) or anything to a guy who would not give me anything back. I love him, but I can say without uncertainty that I will stop loving him if he ever does me alot of wrong and stops caring about me. I don't believe in loving someone unconditionally that way. Edited February 18, 2008 by fray718
Citizen Erased Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 As soon as you start analysing dollar for dollar how much more you spend then your current partner when you don't even live with them, don't share the responsibility of joint bills, that is when it is time to throw in the towel. You do not love this guy. You have broken up with him how many times now? You are pissed because you bought him a present and he didn't get you one? To me that shows you didn't give the present to him for the sake of showing him how much you care, but for you to get one back from him. The poor guy has taken you back yet again after you have freaked out. That is his present to you. Valentines day is not the be all and end all. He is terrified of pissing you off and you breaking up with him, can you imagine how he felt when he realised he had overspent and didn't have the money to get you anything? Money issues happen. Or is it because you know this relationship won't last to next Valentine's day?
Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Fray, if we're tired of hearing this, I can only imagine how tired your BF must be from experiencing it. I'm thinking you should just let this relationship go, find yourself and your own happiness, and then start fresh and new with someone else.
Author fray718 Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 As soon as you start analysing dollar for dollar how much more you spend then your current partner when you don't even live with them, don't share the responsibility of joint bills, that is when it is time to throw in the towel. You do not love this guy. You have broken up with him how many times now? You are pissed because you bought him a present and he didn't get you one? To me that shows you didn't give the present to him for the sake of showing him how much you care, but for you to get one back from him. The poor guy has taken you back yet again after you have freaked out. That is his present to you. Valentines day is not the be all and end all. He is terrified of pissing you off and you breaking up with him, can you imagine how he felt when he realised he had overspent and didn't have the money to get you anything? Money issues happen. Or is it because you know this relationship won't last to next Valentine's day? So if you were in my situation and your bf did this to you, you can honeslty swear that you would not be mad at all?
Author fray718 Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Fray, if we're tired of hearing this, I can only imagine how tired your BF must be from experiencing it. I'm thinking you should just let this relationship go, find yourself and your own happiness, and then start fresh and new with someone else. Really, I can't bare to break up with him. Plus, he is not some 'job' at work I can just give up and start fresh with a new one. He is my bf and he has feelings.
Storyrider Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 You can choose to interpret it that he doesn't love you enough, but if that isn't what he meant, then why take it that way? Maybe he was hoping you two are close enough that you would understand, and it wouldn't matter.
a-sweetart Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Fray I have not read everything on your relationship but from this post and the comments of others it seems like you may have the tendancy to over react. The comments he made about the sex were to other men and not intended for your eyes. It is a bit wrong for you to go there and look at those postings and then become angry about them. Would you really want him to read your postings on loveshack? How would he feel if he ready them? If you really do love your BF and want to work this out then you need to let this go. He already acknowledged that he messed up. Even if he rushed out and bought you a gift at this point it would only be to appease you. Would that really make you happy? If so, then I agree with others and you are being materialistic. Otherwise you need to give him some time to make it right in other ways.
Citizen Erased Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 So if you were in my situation and your bf did this to you, you can honeslty swear that you would not be mad at all? Yes. Valentines day is not a big deal over here, so our situations are different. But, if he was short of money over Christmas or my birthday then I would be completely understanding, as he would be if it was me unable to purchase something for him. I don't buy something for him and then expect for him to match it with a present of equal value. Then we may as well just buy what we want for ourselves. And even if your bf saying he was broke was a cop-out, can you really blame him for not wanting to shower you with gifts and love when you haven't exactly been contributing much to the relationship other then with drama? I'm sorry, I don't want to be harsh, but I just think you need to let this go. Your relationship has a few more problems other then this and I suggest you work on them.
spookie Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Fray dear, I think you need to take it easy. No one's going to be perfect, to do everything right. I think Valentine's day's a pile of crap, so in my head, it's not big deal that your bf didn't think to do anything special for it. People just view the holidays differently. You can't hold that against them. I think it's a tiny deal that he mentioned it, thereby getting your hopes up, and THEN didn't think to follow through... but if you genuinely want to be with him, and you want to be happy, you gotta learn to let that kinda stuff slide. No one's ever going to do everything exactly the way you want it.
StartingOver07 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Fray, When you give someone a gift, the goal is to make them happy. If it doesn't work you can't be mad, they never asked for anything...
Jilly Bean Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Fray - you just seem to always be looking for a reason to call him out and dump him. He said this, he did this, he called me this name... Honestly, if you are this constantly unhappy, then do both of you a favor and end it. The struggle just isn't worth it, particularly when it seems like you are always trying to make him pay for some perceived wrong or injustice. There are a few women on here that seem to be much like you - its a daily posting of how bad their guy is and how they "did them wrong" and how they should break up, but they really love the guy. I guess because I am so direct, either you leave the person, or you stay because you are happy. Yes, issues will come up, but when I see the same person posting day after day, it's a sign.
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