fray718 Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 (edited) Last weekend my bf of 3 months told me that he wanted to rent a hotel for valentine's day weekend and he wanted to plan something for us. We were with my friends and my friends talked about whether girls should give gifts for v day...and I said that I've always grown up thinking that girls should also give gifts....and my bf looked at me and said he's glad I believe in mutual exchange of gifts. Well we celebrated v day last night and I gave my bf a lovely card and an ipod shuffle because I know his old one got stolen...he was really happy about it...but then he didn't get me anything. His so-called v day 'plans' for us didn't happen either. He hinted last night that he was broke because he haven't been doing enough OT (but even without OT he still makes more money than me). I was very disappointed but didn't say anything. This morning at breakfast he asked me what I'm doing for the rest of today and I said I don't know. He asked me if I was mad and I mumbled no. He asked me again, and I asked him if he liked me gift. He said yea, and he asked if I was mad that he didn't get me anything. I said I'm disappointed, but it's fine. I smiled 'you're just clueless'. He said he had thought about doing something for me but he's just broke. He said he wanted to do something....but for some reason he said he just didn't. I told him that didn't make much sense to me. He just said 'I don't know, I'm sorry I screwed up this time'. And I said just a 20 dollars on anything would have made me happy. He said he's sorry that he screwed up this time and that it won't happen next time. I told him 'im sorry, but I just don't have much patience.' He didn't say anything after that. Nothing was resolved and we just parted like 5 mins later. I didn't know what I was thinking when I told him 'im sorry, but i just don't have much patience' and mostly, i have no idea how he interpreted it. If you were him, given our history, how would you interpret that? Is that a break-up line? I don't know. I just feel disappointed because it was like I told him, he talks about it and thinks bout it, but doesn't actually put any effort into it. I hate that I did all this for him and he doesn't even care enough to do anything for me. Again, I just feel like this is all one sided and that I care about him so much but to him, I'm just a girl to hang out with and sleep with. Honestly, I just feel like if a guy cares and love a girl, he'd do things for her even if he was super broke or something...and my bf I can tell you for sure is not super broke. I just feel so hurt right now. I don't know. Nothing was resolved when we parted. Edited February 17, 2008 by fray718
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 He could have made a card for you. That wouldn't have cost him a cent! Maybe mention that to him. He could have made little IOU's (sexual ones) and you two could have had a fun evening together... He knows you're mad, which is why he keeps on asking. So, don't hold back. Let him know how hurt he's made you feel, money or not, he didn't put any effort in.
Author fray718 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Exactly. Honestly, I feel like he doesn't actually give a sh*t and that is what hurts me right now. I did tell him that even 20 bucks on flowers or something would have made me happy and he just said sorry that he screwed up. I mean he just last week he paid $160 to attend a car race and he often spends money losely. I think he used being broke as a really lame excuse. I KNOW he is not broke. Plus, I paid for BOTH our breakfast this morning and he didn't even offer. This really hurts and I feel so stupid right now.
norajane Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Did you ask him why he didn't do anything special for you that didn't cost any money, if he's really broke at the moment? He could have gotten some candles and turned on some music and given you a long massage, written you a little love letter or made a card, bought one rose if he couldn't afford more, made dinner for you, made a cd with all your favorite songs... Maybe he's just not romantic or creative and it is not a reflection on his feelings for you.
Author fray718 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Did you ask him why he didn't do anything special for you that didn't cost any money, if he's really broke at the moment? He could have gotten some candles and turned on some music and given you a long massage, written you a little love letter or made a card, bought one rose if he couldn't afford more, made dinner for you, made a cd with all your favorite songs... Maybe he's just not romantic or creative and it is not a reflection on his feelings for you. At that time I didn't think to ask him to do something for me that didn't cost any money. I should have. But I prob didn't because he really is not as broke as he says. I told him 'you're not as clueless as I thought you were huh? Am I right?'....and he just avoided my question. I think he knows I blew his cover. My bf is smarter than we all think. Throughout the r/s I feel for some reason that I can't exactly believe what he tells me. I don't trust him. That is what has been holding me back from loving him with all my heart. Honestly, I have no idea what his feelings for me are. And right now I have this gut feeling that we just 'broke up' eventhough it was not officially stated...maybe because he knows I blew his cover or knows that I don't trust him anymore...or maybe because he doesn't want to put up with this drama anymore (I teared up a bit, I couldn't control my tears)...or for whatever reason, I have this sinking feeling like this is it. This is finally it. It hurts like hell right now.
madgun68 Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I didn't know what I was thinking when I told him 'im sorry, but i just don't have much patience' and mostly, i have no idea how he interpreted it. If you were him, given our history, how would you interpret that? Is that a break-up line?In the very least, I'd take it to mean I was walking on thin ice. VERY thin ice. "I'm broke" really just suggests (to myself) that he could have forgotten and that was the best (lame) excuse he could think of.. because there are plenty of options even if a person is broke. If it were me, I'd be scrambling right now trying to think of something to make amends.. Even with the knowledge that it may not help. (Although he really should have gone out last minute yesterday.. He probably knew he'd screwed up then. This, in my book, is not something you simply let go.)
madgun68 Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 At that time I didn't think to ask him to do something for me that didn't cost any money. I should have.No.. You shouldn't have to ask..
tikigods Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 honestly I dated a guy that was always broke when it came to things, and also would always promise something amazing whenever some big event was coming up and that he would make it up to me. In the end he always found money to spend on himself but never anything for us. I was glad when I broke up with him cause that meant my money could go back to me instead of him
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Since you don't trust him and it's preventing you from fully loving him, you need to open up and talk to him. Tell him exactly what you've said here...
Author fray718 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 In the very least, I'd take it to mean I was walking on thin ice. VERY thin ice. "I'm broke" really just suggests (to myself) that he could have forgotten and that was the best (lame) excuse he could think of.. because there are plenty of options even if a person is broke. If it were me, I'd be scrambling right now trying to think of something to make amends.. Even with the knowledge that it may not help. (Although he really should have gone out last minute yesterday.. He probably knew he'd screwed up then. This, in my book, is not something you simply let go.) Thanks for your input. I think if he really does love and care about me, then he'd be out concocting something for me right now. But it's been about 3 hours since we parted and I have not even heard a word from him. Honestly, I have this sinking feeling that I'd never hear from him again. He prob doesn't love me enough and doesn't think I"m worth it anymore. Hurts.
madgun68 Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Since you don't trust him and it's preventing you from fully loving him, you need to open up and talk to him. Tell him exactly what you've said here...I agree. Time to have a sit down and find out how he really feels.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I agree with everyone else that it was a crappy thing to do. I don't have much spending money so I made my boyfriend "love coupons" on my computer and bought him a small little card. He loved them both, and was glad I made an effort to do something nice for him. So yeah, your bf could have done something nice for even if he was "broke." Now why do you suppose he isn't broke? Do you think he is just hoarding his money or something? I had a disagreement with my bf over christmas break about this issue. I mean he may have money, but may not have EXTRA money to spend. That's how I am. I am not broke, I have enough to put gas in my car and buy food, but have very little left over (to go out to dinner, buy v-day presents, ect). So maybe that is the situation your bf is in. I suggest you talk to him and see what he says.
Author fray718 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Now why do you suppose he isn't broke? Do you think he is just hoarding his money or something? I had a disagreement with my bf over christmas break about this issue. I mean he may have money, but may not have EXTRA money to spend. That's how I am. I am not broke, I have enough to put gas in my car and buy food, but have very little left over (to go out to dinner, buy v-day presents, ect). So maybe that is the situation your bf is in. I suggest you talk to him and see what he says. Well just last week he was talking about how good he feels that things are so much better now because he said there was a time when he was in college where he'd live paycheck to paycheck but now he can live comfortably. Afterall he makes 70k a year and he doesn't have any huge payments to make except for school loans but EVERYONE has schools loans. Suddenly yesterday he said he's broke and he said he's been using alot of his money to pay off his credit card debt. Call me crazy, but EVEN if he has credit card debt I mean I NEVER once ask him to take me to expensive places and and I'm not asking him to shed alot of cash constantly on me, but this is Valentines' day we're talking bout. It's just ONE day. I mean even flowers just cost like 15 bucks. We treat each other to dinner all the time spending like 30 dollars each time and he buys me drinks, why is it so hard just to get me SOMETHING, anything! Ugh. Sorry, I'm just really mad/hurt right now. He is not stupid/unromantic. For xmas before he asked me to be his gf he got me a card and a $200 bracelet and he also got me flowers before. He prob just doesn't care about me anymore. It's been 4 hours since we parted and nothing from him. This is what I wrote to him in my card last night: S, Thank you for always putting a smile on my face, for being so understanding and supportive, and for being with me through both the good and the bad. I'm so glad I have you in my life and I hope that we'll always be together. Love, Fray Ugh! I feel so stupid now! :sick:
Author fray718 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 What pisses me off the most is that just last week he said he'd rent a hotel and he is happy that I'm the kind of girl who gives presents on v day and he believes in mutual exchange of gifts (which to me implies he's gonna get me a gift). And I mean SUDDENLY in just a week he's broke??? WTF!!!!
Author fray718 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 (edited) My bf tells me he often posts on this message board for cars and well I found the message board he speaks of and his postings are really easy to spot and his sn is his name so anyway I found what he just wrote below: Well I guess I botched Valentine's day big time. I was kind of going with the whole theme of we'll be spending time together on the weekend, that should be enough. I guess she didn't see it the same way! Oh well. I should have played it safe and gotten her some flowers or something, but I screwed up, and it looks like I won't be getting any for awhile. OMG won't be getting any for awhile??!?? WTF!??? Seems like he's accepted it and now he's moving on and he wont be getting any until he finds a new gf. OMG I"m soo hurt and upset right now. I can't even put into words how I feel. Really, I don't know what to do. I feel so betrayed and misearble right now. I feel like I want to just put a knife into my heart. I'm sobbing right now oh gosh guys pls help me. I feel soooo terrible! Gosh, I prob should have just broke up with him and move on from this guy. Edited February 17, 2008 by fray718
Florida Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 My bf tells me he often posts on this message board for cars and well I found the message board he speaks of and his postings are really easy to spot and his sn is his name so anyway I found what he just wrote below: Well I guess I botched Valentine's day big time. I was kind of going with the whole theme of we'll be spending time together on the weekend, that should be enough. I guess she didn't see it the same way! Oh well. I should have played it safe and gotten her some flowers or something, but I screwed up, and it looks like I won't be getting any for awhile. OMG won't be getting any for awhile??!?? WTF!??? Seems like he's accepted it and now he's moving on and he wont be getting any until he finds a new gf. OMG I"m soo hurt and upset right now. I can't even put into words how I feel. Really, I don't know what to do. I feel so betrayed and misearble right now. I feel like I want to just put a knife into my heart. I'm sobbing right now oh gosh guys pls help me. I feel soooo terrible! Gosh, I prob should have just broke up with him and move on from this guy. What? no, he means he won't be getting any from you for awhile. It's strange how he matter of factly accepts this, without any damage control. He really should have gotten you a tiny something, anything. And it bothers me that he equates disappointing you directly to just not getting sex from you, nothing else. No remorse, just a complaint of not getting any for awhile.
Author fray718 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 What? no, he means he won't be getting any from you for awhile. It's strange how he matter of factly accepts this, without any damage control. He really should have gotten you a tiny something, anything. And it bothers me that he equates disappointing you directly to just not getting sex from you, nothing else. No remorse, just a complaint of not getting any for awhile. I know I feel sooo pissed right now!!! I thought he should AT LEAST do some damage control like you said and give me some flowers or something to apologize. But no!! This is why I feel like he is moving on from me. If he still wants me, then right now he'd be getting me something. But obviously from the post above he is not and never plans to!
Florida Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I know I feel sooo pissed right now!!! I thought he should AT LEAST do some damage control like you said and give me some flowers or something to apologize. But no!! This is why I feel like he is moving on from me. If he still wants me, then right now he'd be getting me something. But obviously from the post above he is not and never plans to! Valentine's Day really becomes make or break for a lot of couples. On one hand, no one likes to do things on command. On the other, if it really *hurts* so much to give the slightest handmade token of appreciation, especially because most know what their partners reaction will be if they don't, it does call into key issues like of compatability, like: emotional generosity, selfishness and empathy (or lack of).
a-sweetart Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 OMG won't be getting any for awhile??!?? WTF!??? Seems like he's accepted it and now he's moving on and he wont be getting any until he finds a new gf. OMG I"m soo hurt and upset right now. I can't even put into words how I feel. Really, I don't know what to do. I feel so betrayed and misearble right now. I feel like I want to just put a knife into my heart. I'm sobbing right now oh gosh guys pls help me. I feel soooo terrible! Gosh, I prob should have just broke up with him and move on from this guy. You may be overreacting to his post. I don't think that is what he means. I think he is saying that he won't be getting any for a while because you are upset with him. Not because he has to wait until he finds a new girlfriend. Basically he knows that he is in the dog house and won't be getting any until you are no longer upset about this.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 word of advice, obviously you need you need to take a step back from the relationship and see where it is going. It won't help you if you look too much into his posts or whatever. Actually I know how hard it is for you now, but you got to stop acting like your life revolve around him. Because apparently your behaviour only shows that he's currently got you on a "leash". Let him do all the chasing now. Move on. I'm not telling you to be apathetic but you must not let him know that you're still upset. SHOW him. Actions speak louder than words. If you take a step back, he'll take the step forward.
a-sweetart Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 And it bothers me that he equates disappointing you directly to just not getting sex from you, nothing else. No remorse, just a complaint of not getting any for awhile. If he had said this to her, I would agree with you. BUT he said this on a forum about cars. Where he is most likely talking to other men. It’s taken out of context as him being callous which in that context he is not necessarily being.
Author fray718 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 He texted me this just now! Baby i'm sorry, i hate screwing up. I have no idea why I did, but it sucks. I feel terrible Ugh! I don't know what to do. I'm so mad right now. I told myself if he suddenly showed up at my door with flowers or something then I'd forgive him but a stupid txt like this is just once again like I had told him before 'all talk and no action'.... I'm still so upset, i dont want to respond to the text, I'm just so mad that he is either really stupid and doesnt know how to do damage control or perhaps he just doesnt really care all that about me except to hope that I'm no longer mad so he can still get SOME from me!! So mad!
Florida Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 He texted me this just now! Baby i'm sorry, i hate screwing up. I have no idea why I did, but it sucks. I feel terrible Ugh! I don't know what to do. I'm so mad right now. I told myself if he suddenly showed up at my door with flowers or something then I'd forgive him but a stupid txt like this is just once again like I had told him before 'all talk and no action'.... I'm still so upset, i dont want to respond to the text, I'm just so mad that he is either really stupid and doesnt know how to do damage control or perhaps he just doesnt really care all that about me except to hope that I'm no longer mad so he can still get SOME from me!! So mad! How do you feel about responding with "what do you think you can do to fix it then?"
Author fray718 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 How do you feel about responding with "what do you think you can do to fix it then?" hm....thanks, this might be a good idea. what does everyone else think? Immediate input pls!!!
norajane Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 He texted me this just now! Baby i'm sorry, i hate screwing up. I have no idea why I did, but it sucks. I feel terrible Ugh! I don't know what to do. I'm so mad right now. I told myself if he suddenly showed up at my door with flowers or something then I'd forgive him but a stupid txt like this is just once again like I had told him before 'all talk and no action'.... I'm still so upset, i dont want to respond to the text, I'm just so mad that he is either really stupid and doesnt know how to do damage control or perhaps he just doesnt really care all that about me except to hope that I'm no longer mad so he can still get SOME from me!! So mad! You said in your first post that you celebrated vday last night. Did he take you out to a special dinner? What did you two do together? Obviously from his board message, he thought that would be enough...especially if it was expensive... Sounds like he spent a lot of money on you for Christmas - a $200 bracelet is pretty pricey when you've only been dating a month or two! Since you love this guy, maybe you can give him a break this time. I doubt he'll forget how upset you were at not getting a present in addition to whatever you two did to celebrate for vday.
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