I quit smoking! It's hurting my relationship, am I changing too much for him?

[Cathamaroo]

I did it! I quit smoking ten days ago (cold turkey). It is still a bit difficult as I'm moody at times. My boyfriend (a smoker) has been great! I've unfortunately been taking out some of my anger on him, and being moody and negative, in part because I know he is there for me and will understand how I'm feeling. People say we take things out on those close to us, and I'm finding yet again that this is unfortunately true.

 

I've started running and walking every day (taking a day off/week) to make the withdrawal symptoms more bearable, as well as speed up the healing process to get healthy.

 

Yesterday, I was pretty angry, for no good reason. Definitely one of my moodiest days. I was feeling depressed too. It's strange, because I hadn't been so moody before. You would think that when you quit, the first couple of days are the hardest. I thought that was true!

 

Background summary: My boyfriend and I are in our early/mid twenties, college graduates. I'm in the process of looking for a job to start my career, where he is waiting tables and assuming that one of his tables will get him started someday. This unfortunately bothers me. It doesn't bother me how much money he makes, that isn't really it. It bothers me because he can't afford health insurance, or dental, and he had (we think) an ulcer last year that he didn't go to the doctor to figure out what it was because he didn't want to spend his money on that. Also, he has a cavity ( we think) that has been hurting him for months now, and he won't go to the dentist because he doesn't want to pay! His father was recently diagnosed with cancer, either of the stomach or colon (hopefully colon) so he is going through a lot. BUT that only makes me want him to get a real job so that he can have health insurance as some cancers are genetic and he needs to get checked out! (He had blood in his stool, that is how bad it was.)

 

YET, when I complain about how he isn't looking for a real job, he gets angry and defensive.

 

Another issue we have is that he smokes marijuana. Daily. I used to do that also, and it may be one of the factors in our getting together (we were friends for years before we started dating).

 

Now that I've graduated from college, quit smoking, don't drink much at all anymore, etc. I am trying to be a healthier person. I want to live to be old and happy! If I'm dating someone for over a year (15 months) I'm going to consider what it would be like if I stay with them, naturally. If he is going to smoke pot in 5 years I won't marry him (I don't want to get married for at least 3-4 more years)!!!

 

He does try to be healthy, going to the gym and eating pretty well. And he does listen to my encouragement and knowledge of health related issues, except marijuana.

 

Anyway,

Last night we went out to eat at Friday's when he got off work. I was clearly in a bad mood and he was being sweet about it.

Then we came to my apartment (he stays with me basically every night) and he told me that whatever was bugging him to let it out, and if I needed to cry he would be there for me to listen and hold me. He's so sweet. I said something like "I'm just feeling depressed about my life right now" (which is true because I'm getting very frustrated looking for a great job, and I just quit smoking. Starting my "real life" is scary!) He asked "Well, it isn't because of me at all is it?" And I said something like "Well no, but I do hope that eventually things change." And then I had to explain what:

I hope that he eventually stops smoking pot, and that I hope he eventually gets a real job. He took this as "She will break up with me if I don't change for her." In a way this is true.

 

We talked a bit more, and were both upset, so he decided to leave. I sent him a couple text messages, telling him that I was sorry to say that to him, that it wasn't fair of me to change and then to hope/expect him to change too, etc.

 

I also want to point out that we haven't been having sex much at all lately. The last time we did he wasn't really "up for it" and I blame marijuana, or emotional/mental issues on his part. Sometimes people don't feel like it, I know, but we used to a lot more! Even before I quit smoking, the last several months we have been having sex less and less.

 

We love each other very much, but part of me is wondering where our relationship is headed. I'm hoping that he will forgive me for what I said to him last night, as I don't want to break up any time soon. I just want him to know what my expectations are if we are to stay together for the next several years. He has told me that he won't smoke pot when he's married/making a family. And sometimes he's told me "I think I'm gonna stop soon," so it's kind of annoying that he'd say it at all. I just hope that he does! Also, he says he will quit smoking cigarettes when he gets a real job and can afford nicotine patches. "Oh, you plan on getting a real job soon?" "YEAH" He's the one who says yes!!! I'm sorry that I'm impatient and want to know whether or not I should stay with him.

 

The reasons I don't want him to smoke pot:

1. It's illegal. If he gets in trouble, he may go to jail. If he gets in trouble and I'm with him, I get in trouble too.

2. Our sex life doesn't like pot.

3. It's expensive.

4. Since I quit smoking cigarettes, I hate the smell of smoke at the moment. Even pot smoke.

 

So this poor guy is basically being asked to change because I'm changing. It isn't fair to him. But I don't want to be with a pothead forever! What do I do??? Just keep on being around the smell and not having sex? (Oh, one more thing about his job, since he's a waiter he does a lot of walking around while working. This also makes him exhausted and not want to have sex. There are so many reasons why I don't want him to work there!!!)

 

What is a girl to do? Any comments are welcomed, even setting me straight if you can do it.

[whichwayisup]

I think time will tell and his actions will show you if he's serious about quitting the pot habit, let alone him finding a job that pays well. Money may not be the reason why he's avoiding the dentist, doctors etc, it's fear of what they might find. Well, the dentist maybe that's money as many are expensive. (dentistry should be regulated!!)

 

You are thinking ahead, marriage, children etc...You want a partner who is reliable, responsible and healthy. Right now he isn't much of that, his pot habit IS a problem and will continue to be a problem until he quits. This isn't about love, it's about life and how you two will fit together as husband and wife...

 

Encourage him to stop, be positive about it, not negative. He may not be ready for alot of changes, but if he can do small changes to better himself, then hopefully within a year he'll quit that pot.

[Cathamaroo]

You're 100% right. I hope he will forgive me for being negative about it. I appreciate your time and insight. Thank you!!

[tikigods]

It might also be that you want to start moving on with your life and grow up while he seems to want to just stay the same. While its not fair to ask a partner to change, cause change can only come if you want it to, I think that you need to ask yourself if being around someone that does the things that you no longer are interested in is the type of person you want to maintain a relationship with

[Cathamaroo]

tikigods, you make an excellent point, which is why i believe i included my negative comments toward him in my mood swing last night. i'm not sure if i'm going to want to be with him, especially if he continues his current lifestyle. it isn't fair of me to ask him to change, so i will do my best not to. so i'm afraid i may eventually leave him if he doesn't, and that may be a mistake because what if he changes right after i leave him?

 

it's tricky! i love him and want to be with him, maybe forever! i hope that our lifestyles will mesh better in the next several months or year, otherwise i may have to let an otherwise wonderful relationship go. my fingers are crossed.