SuziwithaQ Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been dating 3 months. It is long distance and at first we spent several weeks together but because of his job it has turned into every other weekend. We hit it off immediately and, even though I was still healing from a breakup, I let him in. And believe me, he worked very hard to gain my affections and trust. We had one argument that I believe made him feel differently about me. He said I was acting childish. I apologized and we got through it, but it took him a few days to begin behaving normally after this. Now comes the problem. He was supposed to be visiting this weekend but he had a hellish work week (he's in construction) and he had to cancel the trip. I got upset (not mean, but crying) and this made him so angry. I told him that while I understood, I just wanted to hear that he was disappointed as well. He said, of course he was and I was making him feel worse than he already was--he had to go because he has a lot on his plate. Since then, I did call and reminded him that I love him--he said he loved me too. After that I tried to call and he sent me a text that he was in a meeting. This is the last time I have heard from him. Shame on me because for the last two days I have been psycho girl. Trying to call, emailing, texting. I never would have believed that this man would not answer the phone or at the very least say "leave me alone or I need time or F*ck off". It's not like we are in our 20s. We're both in our 30s. I talked to a friend about this and her view is that if he wanted things to be over for good he would have said so. She thinks time will be my best friend. You may be wondering why I'd even bother? I've actually known my boyfriend for about 14 years before we started dating. He is my best friend's brother. We were both very cautious about this because we knew my friend would be apprehensive. But we decided that we care so much about each other that we wanted to continue the relationship. He was so wonderful to me and with me. We make each other laugh, have great sex, want the same things out of life. He has met my parents and sisters and spent Christmas with us. Up until this time, we were talking at least 10 times a day so I think this is why I got so frantic that he has ceased all contact. It just doesn't seem fair to put someone through such pain by not talking to them (again, you're saying see? why would you want to be with this guy?). Today is a new day. I will not attempt any contact and if he never talks to me again, I will just have to get over it. Does anyone have experience with someone who just shut off? Is it likely he may just need a few days to handle his business and then talk to me? At the very least I think I deserve some closure
s_n_d Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Me personally have not faced the same situation as this but I think PinkRibbon has. But if you havent heard from him in a few MORE days then I think thats a problem. No matter how busy a person is, they always have to tell their gf/bf where they are..Not 24/7 but atleast a general idea of why their so busy. Id say let it be. Do NOT text him or call him or email him. Let it be. Sending tons of texts and calling a lot and sending many emails could be seen as clingy. Im sorry you have to go through this.
Far Behind Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Suzi, I have experienced exactly that, TWICE! And I can tell you that I know exactly what you are going through and how you are feeling. It is absolute hell, and nothing seems to hurt so badly. I posted my story yesterday if you'd like to read it. And even though I KNOW I should just be moving on and completely forgetting about this guy, I am still longing to hear from him. The last time I attempted any contact was Tuesday and it got me nowhere as it turned out. But based on things he told me the last time we were together, and what he wrote in his last email to me, I believe his feelings for me are real, and in time he will realize what he has done. NOt that I"m going to sit here and wait forever; what he deserves is if he does contact me is for me to tell him to piss off. Your situation is a little different because you have known the guy such a long time, and also, it's only been a couple of days. I would agree with what you said about time. Try try try to do nothing to contact him and MAYBE he will get in touch with you. Here is a story I heard from someone the other day...She had dated this guy for 6 weeks, and it was wonderful, intense, blah blah blah. Then one day he decides he isn't ready for commitment and dumps her. That's it. So about four months later she ran into him in a restaurant, and they decided to go out again, though she was very cautious. Well, p.s., they have now been married for over 10 years! so there are some situations where the couple finds each other again. If something is meant to be (sorry, don't mean to sound trite, but I'm coming to believe this), it will be. I'm sorry for your pain, cuz I am dealing with the same pain on a daily basis.
Author SuziwithaQ Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Thank you Far Behind and SND for your support. It's funny. If your friend were to tell you the exact same story, you would say "DO NOT CONTACT THEM". But when it comes to yourself, you feel like you HAVE to do something NOW! It is an awful, desparate feeling . In addition, I quit smoking 43 days ago and my normal coping mechanism is no longer there.......I know I'm better off not to smoke of course. Went to the gym yesterday and will go again and try to keep busy. Talking about this with you is helping......
Author SuziwithaQ Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 OK, sorry to post again but having a VERY hard time not contacting him. It has been 15 hours since I last attempted to contact him. Please, I really need some help/advice from some more of you.
Far Behind Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Suzi, you did the right thing posting here instead of contacting him (or have you done it since then?). Either way...one thing I do is WRITE. I have a BS folder where I write directly to him, but know I won't send it. I also keep a journal. I am not gonna tell you it will get easier, but ultimately you will probably feel better if you don't contact him, because if you do you are risking major disappointment. That's what happened to me on Tuesday when I reached out in a time of need and he didn't even respond to my call. I think to myself, and you say you love me? HOw does that work? So I have made NC since Tuesday, and right now you are counting hours but it will become days. I know your hurt is excruciating right now. Cry, call a girlfriend, post here, take a bath, take a walk, write, and do it all again if you need to. I am here if you want to keep a conversation going, because today I feel a little stronger than yesterday. I realized my days can be categorized as either horrible or not so bad. Yesterday was horrible; today is not so bad. Progress, lol.
s_n_d Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I know its hard.. Me of all people know how your feeling. My ex became distant and COLD almost immediately after our breakup. Its hard I know.. But trust me..I messed things up SO bad with my ex by begging pleading texting calling sending emails and even talking to his friends about it...I made the most terrible mistake by doing all of it as much as I did. You can try to contact him but dont keep doing it or you might ruin things. I know how hard it is. Ive been doing NC for almost three weeks now. Im still struggling.. But you have to stay strong and hope for the best.
Author SuziwithaQ Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Thank you both.....I haven't contacted him. I'm going to go to the Mall. When all else fails...shop, lol. After that I will go to the gym. I need to get my self-esteem back........I'll write more later, and again, thank you so much for listening and for your advice.
s_n_d Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 No problem. Anytime. Shopping has a weird way of making problems go away temporarily. I love it. Same thing with working out at the gym.
Author SuziwithaQ Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 OK guys I just got this email from him. "I am not avoiding you because I don't care about you. I have got more work related stress laid on me than in the last few days, than you can comprehend. I know that that has nothing to do with you, but trying to deal with this and trying not to disappoint you, are two things that I am not able to make happen simultaneously. I will give you a call as soon as I can get away and sit down for more than a few minutes, I love you!" Please tell me what I do now? Just wait until he calls?
Far Behind Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Personally, I would wait. And breathe...remember to breathe! I'm so glad you got something from him. I wish I had gotten something that would help me understand why he did this to me.
mental_traveller Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 OK guys I just got this email from him. "I am not avoiding you because I don't care about you. I have got more work related stress laid on me than in the last few days, than you can comprehend. I know that that has nothing to do with you, but trying to deal with this and trying not to disappoint you, are two things that I am not able to make happen simultaneously. I will give you a call as soon as I can get away and sit down for more than a few minutes, I love you!" Please tell me what I do now? Just wait until he calls? Yes, give the poor fellow some breathing space and wait until his work settles down! You are extremely lucky that your psycho act didn't freak him out and make him want to break up with you. Seriously, you have to get a grip and if he says he's busy, don't phone and email several times a day. Just once every 2-3 days to let him know you are still around, that's fine and it won't make him feel like you are hassling him.
Author SuziwithaQ Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Yes, give the poor fellow some breathing space and wait until his work settles down! You are extremely lucky that your psycho act didn't freak him out and make him want to break up with you. Seriously, you have to get a grip and if he says he's busy, don't phone and email several times a day. Just once every 2-3 days to let him know you are still around, that's fine and it won't make him feel like you are hassling him. That's exactly what I intend to do. I wish he could have just told me that in the first place. He would typically get upset with me if I didn't call him back within the hour so it is not like we ever had this pattern before. We used to be in contact all day long and mostly by him. But you are right. I need to get a grip....that's why I am here! Thank you.
mental_traveller Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 That's exactly what I intend to do. I wish he could have just told me that in the first place. He would typically get upset with me if I didn't call him back within the hour so it is not like we ever had this pattern before. We used to be in contact all day long and mostly by him. But you are right. I need to get a grip....that's why I am here! Thank you. Ah ok. In that case he was giving you mixed signals, so it's no wonder you got confused! But yeah, now he's let you know the score, I think all you need to do is back off a little, and things should be ok. Good luck and let us know how it goes
s_n_d Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Tell him you love him too and then give him his space from now on. You dont want another scare like this ever. Trust me. How I wish that was the case for my ex and I. Its been almost 19 days NC now and he still hasnt even attempted contacting me...Although someone called me at 2am last night..but my stupid cell phone is messed up and doesnt show who called.
btc8 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) I went through this same thing (about the sending of texts, emails, calling a lot, etc)...Just make sure you give him space! Obviously, physically speaking, you are distance, so that is not a problem, but technologically speaking, you must resist the urge to call/text/email him. The best way to do this is dependent on you, but I try to either read, watch TV, or focus on my school work. I find music to be especially helpful. Also, come on this board, as it should cure what has you ailing currently! Just remember, your compulsion to email or call him will only provide you temporary relief, regardless of the response you finally do obtain. In a few hours, you will feel the urge to reestablish contact. You owe it to yourself to give yourself some time and make him realize how much he misses you! Good luck! Edited February 18, 2008 by btc8 Typo
Author SuziwithaQ Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Tell him you love him too and then give him his space from now on. You dont want another scare like this ever. Trust me. How I wish that was the case for my ex and I. Its been almost 19 days NC now and he still hasnt even attempted contacting me...Although someone called me at 2am last night..but my stupid cell phone is messed up and doesnt show who called. SND, I'm sorry you are going through this. Mine still hasn't called me but getting the email yesterday helped a lot.
Far Behind Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I'm having such a hard time...I dreamt about him last night and I'm fighting with myself to not send an email. I'm so happy for you that you got something. The last I heard from mine was a response to an email I had sent him. He said every day he faces the void this has left in his life! Huh? He created this void, and I for the life of me can't understand why someone would choose that hellish place we both are now rather than trying to have something together? I'm so unhappy today, again.
Author SuziwithaQ Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 I'm having such a hard time...I dreamt about him last night and I'm fighting with myself to not send an email. I'm so happy for you that you got something. The last I heard from mine was a response to an email I had sent him. He said every day he faces the void this has left in his life! Huh? He created this void, and I for the life of me can't understand why someone would choose that hellish place we both are now rather than trying to have something together? I'm so unhappy today, again. ((((Far Behind)))))) I'm sorry you are having such a hard time today. Do this for me (and yourself). Wait until this afternoon. If you aren't at work, make some plans to do something. Then come back later and let me know how you feel. You only need to wait until this afternoon, ok? Then we'll reassess. This is what I do when I want to pick up cigarettes again. After 43 days being smoke-free, I still haven't caved.
Far Behind Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Funny, I just came back to edit my post to add that if he had at least said something along the lines of leave me the fu*k alone, I would get that, ya know? But to have looked me in the eye, recently,and said he loves me, then pull this ****, then tell me he feels this void...arrrrggghh. But...as to what you just said...I'm a teacher and therefore off today, actually the whole week (hooray for private school, winter break, and families that go skiing!). Today am taking my daughter to the ortho, so will be pre-occupied for a while. I will check back here this afternoon, yeah, I can hold off doing anything as I take it minute by minute, day by day. Thanks, Suzi!!!! Oh, and that is awesome about quitting smoking. I quit when I got pregnant and never started again...that child turned 16 on Valentine's Day.
s_n_d Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I'm having such a hard time...I dreamt about him last night and I'm fighting with myself to not send an email. I'm so happy for you that you got something. The last I heard from mine was a response to an email I had sent him. He said every day he faces the void this has left in his life! Huh? He created this void, and I for the life of me can't understand why someone would choose that hellish place we both are now rather than trying to have something together? I'm so unhappy today, again. Hang in there, Far Behind. Today has been especially hard for me as well. Today is 19 days NC though. Woooooo!!
Far Behind Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Well I'm back from running my errands, so now the obsessing kicks back in as I'm home and wondering what he's doing, if he's thinking about me, blah blah blah. then I think well if he was thinking of you he would contact you, but that isn't necessarily the case, he is about as stubborn as they come. Anyway, 19 days...that is great and must be so very hard, too. Today is 6 since the last time. I just have this feeling that he is somehow waiting for me, again. But this time he's just gonna have to keep waiting. I can do this.
Recommended Posts