atc2410 Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I was dumped from my LTR. Almost four months ago. It's been hell but I've been healing. Attempted the inevitable friends thing, then no contact. This week I miss her as if it were day 1. Actually it feels worse because I miss her this much while she's four months into her new life. It would be very easy for me to contact her and hear from her. I recently asked for a forwarding address to send her some important mail and in her reply she was thankful and cheerful. Maybe that's what brought this on. I am utterly preoccupied with thoughts of her. Most damaging are thoughts I will never have someone that perfect again. I've had interest but everyone is a universe away from her. Add to that my personal disappointment at allowing these feelings to dominate. Is this common? I understand the roller coaster nature of this but the overall trend should be heading up. If you tracked my progress you'd see a fairly jagged line heading in an upward direction followed by a monumental crash ie: now I think I'm just lonely. I really am struggling with living in our previously shared space alone.
norajane Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I am utterly preoccupied with thoughts of her.What have you been doing to LIVE your life rather than dwelling on the past? Have you gotten all reminders of her out of the house, or at least packed up so you don't see them every day? Have you started getting more involved in your passions, hobbies, tried something new? Do you still hang out in all the old places, or have you explored new hangouts where you can meet new people, friends not just girls? The roller coaster lasts as long as you let it by focusing on the past rather than on the future. I know, it's easier said than done, but allowing your mind to think of her all day every day does not help. You have to shut down those thoughts when they come to mind.
Author atc2410 Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 In terms of living I've been doing everything I did while in the relationship ie: working, gym (I am bit of a nut - 5 to 6 times per week), going out. I've always had a full schedule but admittedly I'm doing what I did when I was with her so maybe that's why the hole still looms so large. The longer this progresses the more I feel drawn towards action(s) that will break my routine and therefore provide a greater distraction. As mentioned the annoying thing is I was doing pretty well. Still damaged but I was smiling. Now it's back to a pretty sorry state of depression. As for hanging out in the same places my social scene is where we met. I'd been there for a long time while she had just been introduced to it. That's ok though because as mentioned I predate her arrival by many years. Our paths will inevitably cross though. That should be fine because we're on good terms (although nc for now). I need to learn some techniques for shutting down thoughts about the past. I would dearly love to know how to do it effectively and regularly.
EllaDerSpin Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Sometimes what happens is that after a painful event like a break-up, you will put all of your energy into healing, and healing becomes a goal, you are pushed forward by pain and map your progress. But the underlying motivation, the main preoccupying thoughts, are surrounding the same event or person. When your goal has been achieved, and you relax, all you have left are thoughts of that event/person. As Nora-Jane has said, what else have you bought into your life? It sounds as though you may need a new focus. Sometimes people naturally get this as a result of the healing process, i.e a new spiritual journey, a new healthful way of living.. Anything that you can become passionate about is good.
Miyamoto Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 One thing that worked for me is taking her off the pedestal. Listing and saying the bad things about her and the relationship helped a ton.
s_n_d Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 One thing that worked for me is taking her off the pedestal. Listing and saying the bad things about her and the relationship helped a ton. I cant do that because up until after the breakup, My ex and I had a flawless relationship. I simply cannot take him off the pedestal yet. I hate having him high on a pedestal.
Miyamoto Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Fine. Then I'll pull it out from under him with a noose around his relationship-ending neck. *swoosh* *urk ulll....aaaccck...aaruuuruurrrr!!!!*
norajane Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I need to learn some techniques for shutting down thoughts about the past. I would dearly love to know how to do it effectively and regularly. It takes practice. You have to train yourself. I've found two things to be effective, but they do take some mental discipline: 1) Come up with a phrase that you say to yourself every time thoughts of her come into your mind to help you shut them down. It can be anything that works for you. Something like, "SHE chose this; SHE let it go" or "She doesn't get this kind of power over MY mind" or "Nope, absolutely not worth my time". Whatever phrase works for you to remind you that your thoughts and feelings are better spent elsewhere. It's a phrase that gives you power, power over your thoughts, and takes her power away so she can't dominate YOUR mind. Use it consistently, every single time you think of her. 2) Set aside time each day when you do allow yourself to think of her, but limit that time, say to an hour. Then, when thoughts of her come to mind during the day, remind yourself that you will have plenty of time to think about her at 7pm and use your phrase to shut her out of your head right then. At 7pm, think about her for that houor, but shut it off at 8pm and go do something else. Each day, or each week, decrease that hour by 5 or 10 or 15 minutes until it's down to nothing and you have gained control. Then, keep using your phrase and shut it off. You can do it. You have to accept it's over, and you have to accept there is better out there for you in your future as long as you can let go of your past. You have to believe in yourself. But you can do it.
s_n_d Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Fine. Then I'll pull it out from under him with a noose around his relationship-ending neck. *swoosh* *urk ulll....aaaccck...aaruuuruurrrr!!!!* Hahaha Awww. You made me smile. Thank you.
Miyamoto Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 You're welcome. You seem to get my sense of humor, which is only meant to make people feel better. If you get a chance, will you explain to some of the other girls on this board, like Star, what I'm really about? They seem to think I'm an @$$@hole. :bunny: More rabbits, please. :bunny:
s_n_d Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Everyone has their own opinions, hun and you shouldnt be bothered about what other people think.
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