abbynormal Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I apologize in advance for it being so long, but please read... Ok, so I’ve known this guy for 4 years, been dating him for 2 since when I first met him it wasn’t legal. There is an age gap between us. I knew right away I wanted him and that he was the one for me. I fell in love with him very quickly, and dedicated a lot of my time trying to win him over. It was a difficult battle, but eventually we ended up dating. It was never easy, I’ve had a lot of heartaches with him due to things not being how I wanted, me always wanting more than he would give me. But we have had more good times than bad. Lately though I’ve been questioning whether or not I should stay in this relationship. Here’s why… It’s been 4 years (2 of them dating) and he still hasn’t introduced me to his family or friends, he doesn’t want me to come live with him yet, and we rarely see each other. I see him once every month or so, if that. I calculated it, and in 1460 days, we’ve seen each other 60-70 times maybe. It’s not like he’s too busy either. He makes the time to talk to me every night on msn, for hours. Which to me, that same time can be spent in person. He never wants to come get me, whether it be because he’s too tired, settled in for the night, in his pj’s, etc. Whenever I do come over all we do is watch movies. I have no problems with this most of the time because I am very much a homebody, but once in awhile I’d like to go out and do something, like go to the zoo, fireworks or a concert. But any of the times I’ve asked him if he wanted to he says no, because he doesn’t like it. But aren’t relationships about sharing each others interest’s? We’ve been out a few times, maybe 3 or so, for drives and went to a public place for lunch about the same number of times. I’ve told him all that bothers me, and he’s promised time and time again to change, that we’ll do something I like, that we’ll start seeing each other more, but it never happens. Is he embarrassed or ashamed of me because of my age? (although he says he’s not “it’s not you, its me” sorta thing). He’s a really great guy, nice, caring, sweet, funny, you name it. But I’m just getting so fed up with the other things. It seems there are too many conditions and a real lack of commitment because I have not met those conditions. In order for me to see him more, live with him, meet his family and friends, I need to have my licence, a job, education (college), have been living on my own for a bit, and have gained more life experience, and have to be 21. Also, we had not seen each other for 3 months, then finally saw each other new years. We had a great time, I spent the night, and expected to spend another as I always stay for two. But later the next day in the evening, he tells me its time to take me home. I was not happy with this, and I made it known. The entire car ride home was quiet. I was really hurt. 3 months of not seeing each other and he sends me home after one night. When I asked him why I couldn’t stay another night his answer was that he was sick of people and had to work the next day. I’ve stayed when he’s had to work the next day before though and I mentioned that to him. And it’s not like he was going to be busy the next night, he said himself he was just going to lounge around at home. I would be fine with only seeing him once a week, even if only for a bit, to have dinner. But he still can’t (or wont) commit to this.. I’m just so lost and confused as to what to do anymore. Is it me? do I expect too much? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. There’s probably a whole lot I’m forgetting in my story too, but you get the idea I’m sure..if there's anything else you want to know about the situation ask away and I'll gladly answer those questions if it'll help in aiding me with advice.
Replicant Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I believe in working things out in a relationship provided they don't classify as a general deal breaker sort of thing. In this case you've asked for change and he has not provided that. It does not sound like a time frame was established where as to work on such cooperatively, helping one another not all on one or the other kind of thing. If one person reneges on the whole thing entirely, then choices need to be made such as "Should i stay or should i go". People like yourself get way too comfortable with the status quo and here you are counting different frames of time in order to backtrack analyze the situation, when typically the other person should have already got the collective boot a long time ago. Why? If someone does not wish to modify their behavior for the benefit of the relationship then they likely never will or at least not work too hard at it. I personally don't think you are asking for too much. Instead i think you are settling for too little.
Lyssa Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 The conditions that you mentioned - did they come from him? Could it be that he doesn't want to come across as a "cradle snatcher"? I kinda see some things that I find alarming. The part where he said "he's tired of people" - not that it's okay to say that if you both were staying together but you are not. Why is he tired of people? Is he going through a hard time at work? I love staying home and going out too - I can't be with someone who only likes to stay home ALL the time!
Author abbynormal Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 He was tired of people at the time with it being christmas/new years and having to visit family a lot. But yes, those conditions did come from him. Not sure if it's because he doesn't want to come across as being a cradle snatcher or if it's just a way to prevent things from becoming more serious. In all his life none of his girlfriends have ever lived with him, so maybe he has a fear of commitment
Jilly Bean Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 How big is your age gap? Are you 100% sure he doesn't have a GF, or live with someone? I don't think his reactions are because of your age. It sounds to me like he has you as a side dish and has another woman in his life. WDYT?
Author abbynormal Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Well, I've spent a few days, 2-3, at a time before so I don't really think so. Also I've done a bit of snooping just to make sure, because at one point I thought maybe that was why, my family questions it too. But I found no evidence of that being the case. No clothes or anything. Although one time I found some cover-up, and the night before we had used a different condom, which at the time I thought nothing of until the next day when I found the make-up and when looking through his phone found a new number, that of a girl he works with. I questioned him about all that a month later after I couldn't take not knowing the truth anymore. He said the condoms were ours and that we've always had them, the make-up was for when he gets coldsores to cover them up, and the girl is just a friend, doesn't like her and actually thinks she's quite ugly. He also talks about another girl from work an awful lot, and she bought him a christmas gift. But he insists they're just friends, that he doesn't think she's pretty either because she wears too much make-up and that she's engaged so she's not a threat. There is a 26 year gap between us. I'm 20, he's 46.
Replicant Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 There is a 26 year gap between us. I'm 20, he's 46. A 42 year old man was romancing you at 16 years old!!!??? :eek: Damn and you are asking what is wrong here!? There is no advice or solutions to this, it's just plain disgusting. Clearly it seems you have been taken advantage of being prey to pedophile trash at such a naive age. You clearly need to grow up and get in some healthy beneficial relationships as clearly you are blind to why this is wrong.
Author abbynormal Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 It was actually me pursuing him. He wanted to keep it as just friends (at the most) at the time, but I was stubborn/persistent and kept pining away..
Author abbynormal Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 You can lock or delete this thread now...I broke up with him tonight..
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