Uncertain123 Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I'm 30, and for the last three months, I've spent a few hours per week of one on one time with a guy in his mid-30s. We see each other in a client capacity (I am the client), BUT it's a hobby setting -- this isn't like a shrink/patient or professor/student relationship where there are serious ramifications. His primary income and his professional reputation comes from his work with young talent -- not the occassional adult dabbler such as myself. (And, just to make one other thing clear -- he has a few other women that he teaches, and they are also young and single, but he has been strictly professional with them even where they have attempted to flirt with him. I've not only witnessed this, but it's what I hear from other adults who have known him for years.) I have no doubt that he likes me. In fact, random people have asked me if we are an item simply based on the interactions they witness (we've apparently even become the subject of rumor and speculation, LOL). He checks me out all the time, he lights up when he sees me, he notices everything and expresses concern if I'm sick, tired, etc., he teases me constantly and works hard to make me smile, we laugh all the time, he spots me as soon as I enter the building, he shows off all the time around me, and he has opened up to me in a way that (from what I've heard) is completely out of character for him. The flirtation and deeper bonding heated up around the holidays, and ever since it's just kept building steadily. This man's reputation is that of a very private person, very serious and sometimes even grumpy, but around me he is always smiling and he shares everything with me. All the signs are there -- the way he looks at me, his body language, etc. And yes, he is available, and lives alone. He was married up until a few years ago, and has a child who lives with the ex. They are on amicable terms and from what I can see both have moved on. I think he and I are at the point where there is a connection between us emotionally. He saves stories to tell me, and literally starts throwing them out one after the other as soon as our time together begins (the activity we do lends itself to conversations, although his reputation is that he tends not to talk to clients). He also seems to trust me a great deal. I've tried to make my feelings clear in the last few weeks by doing sweet things for him -- bringing him little things, and giving him compliments. I feel like I'm becoming a significant woman in his life, and it's concerning that he hasn't made a real move. So this past week, two significant things took place. Early in the week, he made it a point of telling me he was going to be right near my office the next day for an appointment (and that's how he said it -- "Hey, I'm going to be right near your building!"). I casually suggested that he send me an e-mail and we could grab coffee downstairs. He very confidently said he would call me, and...well,..he never called. No explanation at all. But then, later in the week, he gave me a third degree about what I did on Valentines Day -- it was totally out of context, forced into the conversation, and also out of sync with the way we interact. (We don't start conversations by asking each other personal questions -- instead, we've always engaged in a true give and take). This is how the conversation went: "How was your Valentines Day?" [i smiled brightly and said it was good!] "What did you do?" [i responded that I worked] "Well, what did you do after work, anything special?" [i said no, but that I heard from an old friend and that made me happy.] "Did you get any flowers, cards or chocolates or anything like that?" [i said no.....]. I asked him what he did and he said "nothing." So that's where things stand -- he blew off my coffee invite, but yet he's suddenly interested in what I did on Valentines Day. And yes, I was being coy on purpose (and I actually DID hear from an old friend, and we are going to dinner this weekend!). So I guess my big question is this: Is the coffee blow-off a sufficient reason to throw in the towel, or are his questions about Valentines Day a sign that he may be getting ready to make a move? I am torn between my desire to protect myself versus my desire to give this the time it deserves. I've gotten hurt before -- honestly, after the coffee thing I'm ready to shove him in the friend box by walking in on Monday and telling him about how my date went and asking for advice. But on the flip side, I have not clicked this well with anyone in a very, very long time, so I don't want to prematurely screw this up if his actions to date are actually kind of normal. And I don't want to hurt him by slamming a door in his face if he's really just dragging his feet in a normal way. Thoughts???? Sorry so long.......
Dynamo Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Such a small thing like that is certainly no reason to throw in the towel - It sounds like you two really have connected and it DEFINITELY sounds like he's interested in you. Maybe he hasn't made a real move because he isn't sure exactly what to do? Like you said, he is very professional with his other clients, maybe he's worried you don't reciprocate the feelings for him and he'd be afraid to get into trouble with one of his clients like that? As for the coffee thing - was it really an invite, or simply a suggestion? And there could be TONS of reasons why he didn't call you. Maybe the business he had to do in the building next to yours took longer then expected? Maybe he had to go some place with the people there? There are just way too many possibilities to throw it in on such an insignificant thing. Why don't you try taking some initiative? During one of your meetings, start telling him a story, but cut it off towards the end when your time is up. Then invite him to coffee or something to hear the rest of your story.
garnet Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 The coffee thing is definitely NOT a reason to write him off. The Valentine's Day thing definitely cancels that one out in terms of expressing interest. Who knows, maybe he is very gun shy about taking this to the next level. Maybe he hasn't had a significant relationship since the divorce, plus the fact that you guys meet on a professional level may concern him also. He's the one that suggested meeting up in the first place, if he really didn't want to see you he would have never brought that up in the first place. I would just try to let him know you are receptive and open to him. Do not tell him about your other date. Maybe ask him why he didn't call the day you were to have coffee, but not in an accusing way. Just "I was disappointed I didn't hear from you the other day, what happened?" or something like that. Keep us posted, it does sound like he's interested but unsure of what to do.
Author Uncertain123 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Thanks for the responses. I am just so used to reading books like "He's Just Not Th*t Into You," so I'm really having a hard time understanding why this guy would blow off our first opportunity to really spend time together outside of his work setting. I'm just afraid this can turn into one of these things that goes on forever and the guy never makes a move or never has intentions of acting on it. I know 3 months is still early, but still.......
Jilly Bean Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Sometimes guys just like to know you're available, even if they don't plan on acting it. OR, he just wimped out - lol. I wouldn't ask him out again, though. You made the first move, he blew it off, so now the ball is in his court. In the meantime, I would definitely keep myself open to other guys...
garnet Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I got the impression from the post that he instigated the first move by saying he was going to be right near her building. His comment was suggestive, even though she actually suggested the coffee. I think that he did "wimp out" though, and because of that he is responsible for moving the ball forward at this point. You want a man who is capable of doing that. And I agree that while you shouldn't completely write him off, do keep yourself open to others as well.
Author Uncertain123 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 (edited) Thanks. I'm starting to get a strange vibe that he's either wimping out constantly, or that there's something else troubling him (maybe he isn't over the ex, or hasn't dated in years, etc.) He did something else that was really strange. Back in December, he started talking about this group outing to a show in early March, and how I should go. It's organized by a club I'm not a member of, but they opened up the program to anyone and he heard about it through a friend. He started nagging me (literally) to go back in December -- he would ask me every day if I picked up the form and turned in my ticket request. When I kept dragging my feet out of forgetfulness, he picked up a form for me and gave it to me, and when I kept forgetting to turn that in, (LOL, I'm forgetful!) he took the form from me and delivered it himself to his friend. Until I turned in this form, he was seriously a man on a mission trying to make sure I was going. At the time, I casually brought up the event to some of the other adults he works with, and it turns out they didn't know anything about the event, and I'm the only person he invited (let alone nagged). I thought for sure this was his way of arranging an opportunity for us to see each other in a different setting. But in a bizarre twist, I asked him about it a week or two ago, and he seemed very vacant about the whole thing. I said, "Well, you're going, right?" HE SAID NO!!!! He also seemed a little embarrassed and didn't want to talk about the event all that much. So now, with the coffee thing, it's like he's either just being a big tease, or he wants to date me in his fantasies, and is good at scheming in the abstract about ways we can get together in the future, but he's having a very hard time bringing this into the present time by actually acting on his own schemes. So yeah, I'm not holding my breath and I'm definitely keeping my options open. Unfortunately, the chemistry here is amazing -- if we ever did get together, it would be the closest to fireworks that I've ever experienced!!!! ETA: And the other day, he started talking about something he wants me to go to in May, which he will be at (or so he says). I just acted disinterested and said I'll decide that week. The funny thing is, he always carries around a date book -- how fitting for somebody who thinks so much about things that are a few months away, and then flakes out on things that are happening today. MEN! Edited February 17, 2008 by Uncertain123
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