what2donowIII Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 i need some advise. My wife and I were together for 7 years and now we are getting a divorce which is 100% her choice. I love her to death and i dont know what life is without her. How do i get past it? When does the pain and stomach aches go away? I am hurting so much and want to be with her but i know it is not gonna happen and i need to try to get over it but i just cant it is so hard. Anyone have any advise at all?
stampdaddy Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 i need some advise. My wife and I were together for 7 years and now we are getting a divorce which is 100% her choice. I love her to death and i dont know what life is without her. How do i get past it? When does the pain and stomach aches go away? I am hurting so much and want to be with her but i know it is not gonna happen and i need to try to get over it but i just cant it is so hard. Anyone have any advise at all? couple of questions: how old are you? any children? story of you two...?
Gunny376 Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Essentinally you're going through a "withdrawal" ~ literally the same type that someone would go through that was addicted to a drug? The "drugs" that you're withdrawing from is all the numerious bio-chemicals in your brain. A couple of books that would explain this better are: "When Mars and Venus Collide" by Dr. John Gray (Google his website ~ he's also written a book about the subject of separating and divorce. Another in helping you understand this? "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, And Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" (Don't recall the authors off the top of my head) A quick down and dirty? The Jan 2008 edition of "Time" magazine and the Feb 2006 edtion of "National Geographic Magazine" You're never going to be same ~ simply for having been married to your wife? For having loved your wife ~ your relationship with her has literally changed your brain chemistry? As they say in the Corps? "The 'Change' is FOREVER! You've got to be actively working at it? Its like having a stroke? You've been 'thrown under a bus" and you've got to learn how to: 1. Re-priortize your life? What to leave in? What to leave out? What is really important and matters to you? What brings meaning to your life? Are you working to live? Or living to work? Is having a 40000 square foot house, and becoming a multi-billionaire by the time your 32 really that important to you ~ or are you comfortable with the simple things in life? 2. Where do you see you and your life 5, 10, 20, 30, 40 years from now? 3. What are your own personal "wants and needs?" Oftentimes when we get into relationships, we subjugate our own wants and needs for those of another? 4. What is your "Mission statement?" In other words? Why are you here? Why did you come to the planet? 5. What is your "Joy" What brings you happiness? 6. What are you passionate about? WE, and we alone define our lives and what our lives are all about? Wheather I with someone, have someone in my life or not ~ matters not! Wheather I'm in a marriage ~ a relationship? Matters not! I'm the one that's responsible and in charge of making me, myself, and I Happy! Not someone else? And its not my job, purpose, nor mission in life to make someone else happy? That's their job ~ not mine! And the truth be told? Most people are about as happy ~ or miserable as they make their minds up to be? Me? I make the choice each morning to be a "happy-camper!" I don't expect my next door neighbor to tote the note on my car note, pay my bills, etc! And its not their job to make me happy and content with and in life! That's my job! And I get up each and everyday ~ with that goal in mind! When will the pain and hurt, the heart-ach and heart-break be over? The mili-second, the micro-second, the second, the minute you say to yourself? "You know what?" I'm done with this! I'm a good and decent person! I obey the laws! I don't have anyone looking for me! I don't have any warrents out for my arrest! I work hard for a decent living! I'm a decent person! I'm respectfull of others! I've got a lot of LOVE to give! Parts of me are awesome ~ and I'm WORKING ON THE REST!
Author what2donowIII Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 thank you gunny i really liked the last paragraph you wrote that is really a good saying.
older_no_wiser Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Gunny this was JUSt what I needed, right this second. Thanks! Meg
Gunny376 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) Divorce? Divorce wears you down? It creates doubt in your own "self-worth"! It makes you doubt yourself! Once the "pity-party" begins? There's no end! It goes on forever! But you know what? For a poor old countryboy from Alabama? That comes from a long, long line of poor country folks? I've done alright for myself! Granted! Thirty years ago? I could have used the knowledge that I've gained over the last thrity years! But I've more than done right by the ex-hex, I gave all I had for her and the kids! I did the best that I knew at the time! I gave all that I had! All that I knew to give! And did the best that I could at the time! I sucked it up and did the best that I could at the time! No doubt? For the experience? I'd be a better Father and husband than I was at the time ~ thirty years ago? You live and learn! I'm just trying to pass on what I've learned these last thrity years to those younger than me! And this much is true! Live your Life for yourself! Live your Life TRUE! To thy ownself? Be TRUE! Don't live your life for you parents ~ don't live your life for your children! Live your Life ~ for YOU! Edited February 18, 2008 by Gunny376
topper3581 Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I was/am in the same boat. Outta nowhere after 8 years of marriage, 15 years together, the STBXW asks for a divorce. I tell you the first couple of weeks you will be in a fog, then you will have a few good cries, laugh a bit with the friends and family, get focused on court stuff and don't let her know how hurt you are. The best advice i got was to move on and let the caged bird go. The more she feels confined or sees you desiring the relationship, the more she loses respect for you and pushes away. Get a counselor to talk to every once in a while, get a new hairstyle, new clothes, take a class, try new things that you didnt want to do before. It sounds stupid, but it does help. Little things like that help define the "new you" and you will be a better person for it because you will have new confidence and feel better each day. Sorry if it is not much, but it is what i helping me. I don't know if the pain will stop, but it does definently get duller as time goes on. The 2nd best advice I got? YOU WILL BE OK.
jeffrey_e Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 My friend, it wasnt my decision either. After 27 years and without warning ( we didnt have a fight ) she dumped this on my lap. I let the house and landed on my ex's best friends couch. She thought I had had enough and that I left. She said She left you? I lost 20lbs in 30 days and I was eating. The level of pain was and still is at times way off the chart. I never knew a human being could feel so much pain yet I'm still here. I'm still me. I still function. The only thing thats not here is my dream of my marriage. It's dead. Gone. You and I will feel the pain. Weeks, months, however long it takes and it will take a long time. So what do you do? 1. Get a support network set up. Your good friends, family, clergy. 2. Go out hwen your friends call. Even if you dont feel like it. remember: Act as if, be as if. 3. Take care of yourself. Eat, drink, shower and shave daily, wear clean clothes, etc. 4. Find a therapist. You may not need one for very long but you never know. 5. Feel your emotions, cry when you have to, feel fear when youre affraid. It's when we mask our emotions that we stop the healing process. 6. Take a class. I'm taking a cooking class this spring. I already know how to cook. I want to learn to make food taste different. 7. Keep a journal. Write down thing as you would in a diary. Months down the road read the beginning. You will see how far you've come. 8. Be good to yourself. read a book, go fishing or swimming. Ride a bike, what ever you'd like to do. Go to a resturant, what ever one "you" want to go to and when you want to go. 9. Read how to get through a divorce. There are lots to choose from. Lots of luck to you.
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