CantGetOverIt Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 (edited) I have been so upset with myself. I recently married the love of my life. My friends are mostly lesbians and he knows that and never minded that I hang out with them. Well, recently one girl that used to hang out with I found out had a crush on me. I felt flattered from the attention and started playing into it. I was leaving hubby to go hang out with this girl and I would tell myself that she's a girl and its not serious because I loved the attention I was getting from a woman. I normally get tons of attention from men but I would never act on that because for some reason I felt like hanging out with a guy without my husband knowing would be like cheating. Well, I was really starting to enjoy this girls company and even considered myself to have a small "crush" on her. I have never ever been with a woman nor have I wanted to ever. Naturally things never got physical because I wouldnt let them. We flirted A LOT but that was it but the fact that I was keeping this secret from hubby killed me and still does. I told him EVERYTHING I just typed here and he told me he's okay with it and he doesnt feel like I cheated on him but he does feel I disrespected him and I hurt him but that he loves me so much and this would never be able to make him stop loving me. Throughout our 7 years together, I have flirted with many people guys and girls. Its just my nature. Of course he doesnt know about any of that but I guess cause were married now, I feel like I didnt take our marriage seriously. And Im so angry at myself. I would never have done this if it was a man because I really wasnt taking this seriously. Although it could have gotten out of hand. Once I realize I was hurting him, I stopped completely and kicked myself in the ass for being so horrible. Im naturally an anxious person and although he promises he forgives me, Im still crying and having panic attack because I desperately want to go back in time and change my stupidity. He says it could have been worse if I got physical with her. Which is true but inside Im beating myself up over the whole thing that shouldnt have happened. While we were together he had a few slip-ups, one was a few flirtatious emails he sent to a girl on my spaced, another was a girl kissing him while they were drunk. I got over those immediately. I cant get over myself though. And I dont get it. Please help me feel better. Sorry about the long message, just though typing it out might help stop the panic in my body. I honestly was naive and didnt think I was doing anything wrong. I would never have done this with a man. NEVER. And I feel selfish that he doesnt look at it as something horrible but Im sitting here wanting more forgiveness but I need to feel like all I did was a mistake. I have never been a cheater and will never be. If my ignorant ass would have known this could be considered an EA I would never have done it. Just my fun and games turned into something that was hurting my husband. Edited February 17, 2008 by CantGetOverIt
StillSame Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Yes, you had an emotional affair. Most men can get over it, as long as it didn't get physical and as long as you promise to stop all contact with this girl. Take it as a lesson to guard and protect your marriage. You could have gone over to a physical affair if the mood was right, you were at the right place and the right time. You should be thankful that you did not crossed that line.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Anyou need to stop flirting with all these people. All that need for validation is not happy. But it is good that you realize that you have boundry issues and you recognize what you did is wrong seriously! The thing is now is to focus on your marriage. Dont hang with all those other lesbians and cut the one you was getting emotionally attached to off.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I have been so upset with myself. I recently married the love of my life. My friends are mostly lesbians and he knows that and never minded that I hang out with them. Well, recently one girl that used to hang out with I found out had a crush on me Seriously your a great person and probably a great wife! Listen, just take this as a learning experience. Maybe reevaluate your friend group and put some work into your marriage. Read some of the stories from those who did not have your strength and let things get physical!
Arch Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 lol good thing you cut it off, getting cheated on by another man is bad enough but having your wife cheat on you with a female - that would have been 10 times worse.
Author CantGetOverIt Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Seriously your a great person and probably a great wife! Listen, just take this as a learning experience. Maybe reevaluate your friend group and put some work into your marriage. Read some of the stories from those who did not have your strength and let things get physical! Thank you. That makes me feel a tiny bit better but I still wake up with this horrible feeling in the mornings. I dont like to be the bad person and I dont like knowing that I hurt someone I love. I keep trying to say Im learning from this and now I know how serious I take our life together. Ive always been so good to him. I dont understand why it was so easy for me to forgive him for the mistakes he has made. Most girls would have had a hard time finding secret emails to another girl or finding out their significant other was so drunk that he let a girl get too close and kiss him. But I was able to let those things go immediately because I know he's human and people can slip. I guess my major anger with myself is this happened so soon after our wedding. I feel like what should have been a great experience, I ruined. Although he assures me he doesnt feel that way. Thank you for the advice.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 If your husband has forgiven you, you need to forgive yourself and move on. Show him in actions, as well as in words that you do love him and that you will do everything possible to be a faithful and loving wife. Live up to your marriage vows. Put him first before your own needs. You have insecurity issues, feel the need for attention from other men and women, seek counselling to help you because you cannot rely on anyone for happiness, except yourself. IF you aren't happy within, NOONE can fulfill your needs. Not even your husband... Beating up on yourself is doing nothing for you, it's only making you feel worse. Set boundries and rules up for yourself, stop that sexual flirting and focus on what's more important. Building a loving and honest relationship with your husband, a life together, possibly one day having children and having your own family..
Author CantGetOverIt Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 If your husband has forgiven you, you need to forgive yourself and move on. Show him in actions, as well as in words that you do love him and that you will do everything possible to be a faithful and loving wife. Live up to your marriage vows. Put him first before your own needs. You have insecurity issues, feel the need for attention from other men and women, seek counselling to help you because you cannot rely on anyone for happiness, except yourself. IF you aren't happy within, NOONE can fulfill your needs. Not even your husband... Beating up on yourself is doing nothing for you, it's only making you feel worse. Set boundries and rules up for yourself, stop that sexual flirting and focus on what's more important. Building a loving and honest relationship with your husband, a life together, possibly one day having children and having your own family.. Im trying so hard to. If anything hes more upset that he feels like his wife isnt here because Im in such a state of panic and guilt that I can be my normal happy self. Ive always had problems with feeling guilty where if I feel like I cant change an action Ive done, I freak out. I dwell on things to the point where I want to jump out of my skin. I always looked at flirting as innocent until now and I definitely wont be doing it anymore. Honestly, the whole time I was hanging out with this girl, in my head I was telling myself, "Oh please Im just having fun, its a girl for Gods sake" but I started liking her attention and thats where I beat myself up. It wasnt very emotional for me because once I realized that I was doing something wrong, I stopped the whole thing in its tracks without any problems. Im so disgusted with the situation that I NEVER wanna see her again. I feel like 7 years of us being together, why did I make this mistake NOW? I dont want comfort and I know I dont deserve sympathy, but IM just trying to understand myself. I feel so out of control. I was thinking of maybe going to see someone. I just dont know how many times I can replay this situation in my head. Its like Im stuck in a jail cell in my mind. Is it normal to feel this awful??
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I suffered from an anxiety disorder about 4 years ago, it got really bad too...I got help for it and in the process of doing therapy, I learned alot about myself, and my fears. Counselling helps you, gives you better coping skills, teaches you how to handle the rough stuff in life. Consider speaking to a therapist to get you through this. You have alot going on inside your head... If you have trust issues, insecurities and fears, talk to your husband, don't push him away. Learn to trust him and what you two have together as a couple. He does love you, he married you.
Author CantGetOverIt Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 I suffered from an anxiety disorder about 4 years ago, it got really bad too...I got help for it and in the process of doing therapy, I learned alot about myself, and my fears. Counselling helps you, gives you better coping skills, teaches you how to handle the rough stuff in life. Consider speaking to a therapist to get you through this. You have alot going on inside your head... If you have trust issues, insecurities and fears, talk to your husband, don't push him away. Learn to trust him and what you two have together as a couple. He does love you, he married you. I went to therapy last year for something traumatizing that I saw and it really helped. My therapist said I have anxiety and long panic attacks that can last up to a month. Did you get over your anxiety with medication??? I dont want to go the medication route although I am the type to start drinking to cope. Im far from an alcoholic but I dont like relying on something to help me deal with myself. BTW, thank you for responding. It feels good to talk to someone right now.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 No, no meds...The type of counselling I did is called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. This type of therapy is for those who suffer from various disorders, phobia's etc... Google it! In the meantime you can get afew books, Dr David Burns - The Feeling good book, Sam Obitz, Been there, done that, try this! Learn as much as you can about anxiety, talk about it with friends and family, and ofcourse your husband. Don't drink! That is not going to help you in the long run. Do yoga, meditation...You can buy dvd's, 20 minute ones that will help you with the yoga if you dont' want to join a class. Start a daily journal, keep track of your menstral cycles, what you eat, how much sleep you get...Some of what you're feeling is hormonal, but it also is enviromental and situational as well. Some stuff you can control (sleep, food, etc) the rest is learning how to cope with stress and not letting it take over. Again, please don't drink, that won't do you any good.
Author CantGetOverIt Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Ill definitely look this up. Thank you so much.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 You're welcome! I know how hard anxiety is and dealing with the crap...It also does a number on your head, negative thoughts and feelings, so learning all you can, understanding anxiety and controlling it instead of it controlling you and most of all, not being afraid of the actual panic attack. Breathing through them, and really thinking good thoughts helps, and each time you ward off an attack, you take your control back!
Author CantGetOverIt Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 You're welcome! I know how hard anxiety is and dealing with the crap...It also does a number on your head, negative thoughts and feelings, so learning all you can, understanding anxiety and controlling it instead of it controlling you and most of all, not being afraid of the actual panic attack. Breathing through them, and really thinking good thoughts helps, and each time you ward off an attack, you take your control back! Im so afraid of the actual panic attack! Its so true. Right now every time my body starts to calm down, I think about the panic attack coming back and it does and I remind myself that I shouldnt be calm because I have something on my conscience to feel guilty about. I beat myself up so much. And to make matters worse, when I look at my husband and when he's nice to me, I feel worse. I dont want to tell him this because it isnt fair to him. I really hope I get over this or I may ruin what we have when we already established he's over it.
Mickle Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 If your husband has forgiven you, you need to forgive yourself and move on. Show him in actions, as well as in words that you do love him and that you will do everything possible to be a faithful and loving wife. Live up to your marriage vows. Put him first before your own needs. You have insecurity issues, feel the need for attention from other men and women, seek counselling to help you because you cannot rely on anyone for happiness, except yourself. IF you aren't happy within, NOONE can fulfill your needs. Not even your husband... Beating up on yourself is doing nothing for you, it's only making you feel worse. Set boundries and rules up for yourself, stop that sexual flirting and focus on what's more important. Building a loving and honest relationship with your husband, a life together, possibly one day having children and having your own family.. Do not listen to these idiots! there is nothing wrong with any one flirting, it makes the world go around, if some one takes it the wrong way that is their problem not yours !! " live up to your marriage vows put him first" I have always understood that a marriage is the equal sharing of love, ideas, thoughts and aspirations, EQUALITY OF BOTH not one being subservient to the other. The Stepford wives was not fiction! It was based on people on this forum giving advice:eek::eek::eek::eek:
Author CantGetOverIt Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Do not listen to these idiots! there is nothing wrong with any one flirting, it makes the world go around, if some one takes it the wrong way that is their problem not yours !! " live up to your marriage vows put him first" I have always understood that a marriage is the equal sharing of love, ideas, thoughts and aspirations, EQUALITY OF BOTH not one being subservient to the other. The Stepford wives was not fiction! It was based on people on this forum giving advice:eek::eek::eek::eek: Your post makes me feel better. Thats how I always looked at flirting. I have flirted many many times without my husband knowing. But this was before we were married. I guess getting married made me re-evaluate things. I know we just got married and were planning to spend our lives together, its probably likely there will be other incidents but I dont like to be the bad guy. I loooooved the flirting so much that I was neglecting him to hang out with this person to get that feeling back. It was very soon after our wedding too so it makes me feel like I went through some sort of crisis. I dont know. I do believe flirting is harmless and if my husband told me he felt guilty for flirting with someone and hanging out with them, Id be upset but Id get over it. Thats life.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Your post makes me feel better. Thats how I always looked at flirting. I have flirted many many times without my husband knowing. But this was before we were married. I guess getting married made me re-evaluate things. I know we just got married and were planning to spend our lives together, its probably likely there will be other incidents but I dont like to be the bad guy. I loooooved the flirting so much that I was neglecting him to hang out with this person to get that feeling back. It was very soon after our wedding too so it makes me feel like I went through some sort of crisis. I dont know. I do believe flirting is harmless and if my husband told me he felt guilty for flirting with someone and hanging out with them, Id be upset but Id get over it. Thats life. There are different ways to flirt, and I think some are harmless and fun and some are not. WWIU made a great point about sexual flirting. Personally, I'd put that one off limits. I don't think your the bad guy here. I think you have things pretty well figured out. Do you still feel guilty? On some level maybe you should be proud because in the end you handled the situation very well, and in an adult manner. Better than most others would anyway.
Author CantGetOverIt Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 There are different ways to flirt, and I think some are harmless and fun and some are not. WWIU made a great point about sexual flirting. Personally, I'd put that one off limits. I don't think your the bad guy here. I think you have things pretty well figured out. Do you still feel guilty? On some level maybe you should be proud because in the end you handled the situation very well, and in an adult manner. Better than most others would anyway. Thank you. I wish I could be proud of myself but I keep replaying things in my head over and over again. Everytime I feel like I have it figured out and Im okay, I start thinking worse things like what if it had gotten out of control. I remember thinking in my head, "If we kissed it wouldnt be anything cause its not serious and she's a girl!" Other times I think I feel guilty for having a crush on a woman when Im not a lesbian. Other things I think about is what if I hadnt realized how bad I was hurting my husband and kept telling myself it was "harmless fun" Because thats what I was leading myself to believe. I dont know. I keep going on and on and I feel like nothing is changing the way I feel. How is it that I can feel so bad and my husband is over it. Ive always had issues with guilt since I was little. I usually get over it. I have a therapy appt tomorrow. Hopefully that helps
MarriedLife Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I don't think it was an EA at all. I think it was just innocent flirting. I say keep hubby in the loop and all should be ok however if you're more outgoing than hubby there could be a bit of a personality conflict and trouble could brew later in the marriage.
Owl Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I'd say that if you're feeling bad about it...or if he's feeling bad about it...that's a clear indicator that you shouldn't be doing it. Flirting is fine...its AWESOME...for single people. Its how you generate interest and desire in the first place. That's what its there for... If you're married...flirting is "flirting with disaster". There are all kinds of reasons why its horrific for a marriage. If you flirt, you get to enjoy the feelings of all the return attention you get from it. Often, this starts to outshine the everyday feelings you get in the marriage. Your spouse can't compete because they're ALWAYS there...they're "supposed to" feel that way about you. Then the flirting comes back from someone that YOU are attracted to...next thing you know, boundaries are crossed (because they were negligible or non-existant to begin with), and you're faced with more than flirting. You've crossed a line...and now your marriage is in trouble. Or your partner flirts...and at first, you're fine with it because you know that "they'll never cheat on you". Until it starts to go too far. And either they're engaged in cheating on you, or you're jealous and hurt and angry over the whole thing. Why get into that morass to begin with? Why not stick to getting your emotional needs met by your spouse rather than someone else?
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I'd say that if you're feeling bad about it...or if he's feeling bad about it...that's a clear indicator that you shouldn't be doing it. Flirting is fine...its AWESOME...for single people. Its how you generate interest and desire in the first place. That's what its there for... If you're married...flirting is "flirting with disaster". There are all kinds of reasons why its horrific for a marriage. If you flirt, you get to enjoy the feelings of all the return attention you get from it. Often, this starts to outshine the everyday feelings you get in the marriage. Your spouse can't compete because they're ALWAYS there...they're "supposed to" feel that way about you. Then the flirting comes back from someone that YOU are attracted to...next thing you know, boundaries are crossed (because they were negligible or non-existant to begin with), and you're faced with more than flirting. You've crossed a line...and now your marriage is in trouble. Or your partner flirts...and at first, you're fine with it because you know that "they'll never cheat on you". Until it starts to go too far. And either they're engaged in cheating on you, or you're jealous and hurt and angry over the whole thing. Why get into that morass to begin with? Why not stick to getting your emotional needs met by your spouse rather than someone else? I agree. Strongly flirting with someone else outside of your marriage is completely wrong. That is a very slippery slope. You should not be doing it.
Author CantGetOverIt Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 I'd say that if you're feeling bad about it...or if he's feeling bad about it...that's a clear indicator that you shouldn't be doing it. Flirting is fine...its AWESOME...for single people. Its how you generate interest and desire in the first place. That's what its there for... If you're married...flirting is "flirting with disaster". There are all kinds of reasons why its horrific for a marriage. If you flirt, you get to enjoy the feelings of all the return attention you get from it. Often, this starts to outshine the everyday feelings you get in the marriage. Your spouse can't compete because they're ALWAYS there...they're "supposed to" feel that way about you. Then the flirting comes back from someone that YOU are attracted to...next thing you know, boundaries are crossed (because they were negligible or non-existant to begin with), and you're faced with more than flirting. You've crossed a line...and now your marriage is in trouble. Or your partner flirts...and at first, you're fine with it because you know that "they'll never cheat on you". Until it starts to go too far. And either they're engaged in cheating on you, or you're jealous and hurt and angry over the whole thing. Why get into that morass to begin with? Why not stick to getting your emotional needs met by your spouse rather than someone else? I do agree flirting is wrong and thats why I feel the remorse. I wouldnt have flirted if I didnt like the attention I got from this person. Thing is when its a guy I back away. Because this was a girl I didnt hold it in the same light at the time. But now I do and thats why I feel such remorse. I feel like an idiot for thinking it was harmless when my H was being neglected. My H gives me all the attention I need, flirts with me, and we have a great sex life. He is perfect to me. I thought I was just having innocent fun at the time. I realize now that it wasnt innocent when my husband was clearly hurting at the fact that I wanted to be around my friends when I should have been home with him. There is no personality conflict. We have been together 7 years, lived together for 4 and nothing ever got carried away. I spoke to a therapist today to try and work out my anxiety and guilt issues. My H is completely forgiving and wants his normal happy wife back. Im trying to take this as a learning experience. It helped me realize that I dont need ANYONE but my husband to give me the attention I need. I have been devoting every minute to him. I have been crying a lot though and that doesnt help but Im hoping I will be able to come to terms with my stupidity soon.
Author CantGetOverIt Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 I don't think it was an EA at all. I think it was just innocent flirting. I say keep hubby in the loop and all should be ok however if you're more outgoing than hubby there could be a bit of a personality conflict and trouble could brew later in the marriage. I didnt think it was an EA either for the simple fact that I didnt need this person to "talk to". I wasnt looking to this person to fill a void in my life. My life is full. And it definitely wasnt HARD for me to cut ties with this person once I figured out what I was doing was stupid as hell. I just got caught up in a little kid game that I should have been playing in the first place. Now I know myself and I know that I cant handle betraying someone let alone someone I adore. Thank you, your post made me feel a little better.
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