HeatherK08 Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Even though you say you knew what it was like to be cheated on, you did it to someone else anyway, why? I'm not making myself responsible for his actions, or her contributions to the failures of their marriage. It is an awful betrayal, but if she cared, she would not have reacted the way she did. As of now, she does not know we are still communicating (I would never want her to feel like I was the reason he left, she should own up to her own responsibilties for that), and why makes things worse than they already are. When I was cheated on, it was not for love, but for sex. Both times when I was pregnant with his children. We were not in some loveless,sexless, dead marriage. MM is. As for his honesty/integrity, I have access to his work and personal emails, I'm there for their phone conversations, he gave me his therapists phone number that he's seen for 2 years now, and he follows through on his words with actions. I'm all too aware of the games people play, having been one of them myself, and am keeping my eyes wide open. With the help of my therapist I am looking at this as to what is best for me, not them - I'm not responsible for that. If he wants to stop seeing me, he just has to say it.
precious1357 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I had a happy ending. MM was in a dead marriage. He says fell in love with me the moment he laid eyes on me. It took me another year to see him as more than a friend. Within a few weeks of our first kiss I knew I loved him. He separated from and later divorced his ex-wife. We got engaged, had a fairy-tale wedding, bought a big, beautiful house. We're planning for baby. Life could not be any sweeter. In the early morning I wake up and look at my sleeping husband's face and I know that I am the luckiest woman alive. I love that man. WOW, what a blessing! I'm praying for the same thing. I love my MM too!
Trimmer Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I'm not making myself responsible for his actions, or her contributions to the failures of their marriage. It is an awful betrayal, but if she cared, she would not have reacted the way she did. Does her reaction mitigate the awful-ness of the betrayal? Is infidelity "more OK" if your partner internalizes the betrayal, instead of acting it out? As of now, she does not know we are still communicating (I would never want her to feel like I was the reason he left, she should own up to her own responsibilties for that) So you believe she should own up to her responsibilities for him cheating/leaving... When I was cheated on, it was not for love, but for sex. Both times when I was pregnant with his children. We were not in some loveless,sexless, dead marriage. ...but you don't own up to yours?
bentnotbroken Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I'm not making myself responsible for his actions, or her contributions to the failures of their marriage. It is an awful betrayal, but if she cared, she would not have reacted the way she did. As of now, she does not know we are still communicating (I would never want her to feel like I was the reason he left, she should own up to her own responsibilties for that), and why makes things worse than they already are. When I was cheated on, it was not for love, but for sex. Both times when I was pregnant with his children. We were not in some loveless,sexless, dead marriage. MM is. As for his honesty/integrity, I have access to his work and personal emails, I'm there for their phone conversations, he gave me his therapists phone number that he's seen for 2 years now, and he follows through on his words with actions. I'm all too aware of the games people play, having been one of them myself, and am keeping my eyes wide open. With the help of my therapist I am looking at this as to what is best for me, not them - I'm not responsible for that. If he wants to stop seeing me, he just has to say it. Ahh the old what's best for me and I have nothing to do with them, except you have something to do with him and he is part of them. Oh well if she were pregnant maybe you would feel differently. And the world continues to spin.
bentnotbroken Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 WOW, what a blessing! I'm praying for the same thing. I love my MM too! Are you praying to the God that said "thou shalt not commit adultery" or are you praying to a different god? And getting someone else's husband is a blessing? I think that is called coveting, it was also one of the "thou shalt nots".
Carpetrider Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Are you praying to the God that said "thou shalt not commit adultery" or are you praying to a different god? And getting someone else's husband is a blessing? I think that is called coveting, it was also one of the "thou shalt nots". Respectfully, spare me the religious tones. So many people have been murdered in the name of God. It is truly sickening. Wars have been fought over 'God'. Monogamy for life is a dead duck. Only some 15% of the population base have the personality traits and character to uphold the high ideals of monogamy for life. The rest of us just plod thru life practicing serial monogamy or other forms of partnerships. Humans are animals. Animals tend to have multiple partners.
Trimmer Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 (edited) Respectfully, spare me the religious tones. So many people have been murdered in the name of God. It is truly sickening. Wars have been fought over 'God'. Monogamy for life is a dead duck. Only some 15% of the population base have the personality traits and character to uphold the high ideals of monogamy for life. The rest of us just plod thru life practicing serial monogamy or other forms of partnerships. Humans are animals. Animals tend to have multiple partners. Even without the religious overtones, serial monogamy (which I'll admit is, in the big picture, my own life's pattern) is different from adultery. Saying "I'm done with you, goodbye" and going out and seeking a new mate - i.e. serial monogamy - is one thing. Compare us to animals, if you will, but making an explicit and voluntary promise to be faithful and then breaking that promise and lying about it (i.e. adultery) is not serial monogamy, and is a uniquely human cruelty. I can completely understand not "upholding the high ideals of monogamy for life." I get that. I'm not going to dry up all alone and wither away with the end of my marriage, nor am I planning to never persue another relaionship - HA! far from it... It's upholding the ideal of being fundamentally honest and humane each day with a fellow human being to whom you've opened your heart that I think isn't reaching too much for the stars. Back on topic to the OP: I was once a BS; my wife left me after establishing and hiding a relationship with someone else (following what I now realize is her lifelong pattern of "overlapping not-really-monogamy...") In the long run, I would like to believe that she did find her happy ending. It's become easier to wish that for her - both as the mother of our children, and as the friends we used to be - as I believe I've come to a happier and more healthy place too. By being able to let her go, I can both move on myself, and wish her well, too. I can only hope that she feels as healthy and well-grounded as I do now. I can't really be sure, but ironically, I know she's struggled some around the issue of honesty in her own life. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it shows some introspection and good work being done on her part; more power to her if so. And now, to tie together both my off-topic and on-topic points... Shouldn't Carpetrider's reasonable point about human-beings-as-serial-monogamists give us pause when we consider the idea of a "happy ending?" Given what I have experienced in my life so far, I don't want to ever consider a relationship as a end-goal, an end-point, or any other "terminal" type of situation. To me, "happy ending" evokes a fairy tale, the subtly unstated "happily ever after ending," and I think Carpetrider's point is a good reminder that where you are right now isn't the end. How many times do we hear participants qualify EM affairs with the "human beings a serial monogamists" line of reasoning, eventually to swing around hoping for the "happy ending" afterward? Doesn't that strike a discordant note? Shouldn't these folks be the very ones with the most directly applicable life experience to know that serial-monogamy-as-our-true-nature and lifelong "happy endings" don't really go together? So my philosophy isn't to think of my next relationship as an "ending" of any kind. Not that I'm not going to fully invest myself emotionally, but hey folks, don't go out and buy the side-by-side cemetery plots 35 years in advance, you know? Just when you settle in and think you are living your happy ending, life has a way of throwing you a wake-up curve ball. Batter up. Edited February 28, 2008 by Trimmer
bentnotbroken Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Respectfully, spare me the religious tones. So many people have been murdered in the name of God. It is truly sickening. Wars have been fought over 'God'. Monogamy for life is a dead duck. Only some 15% of the population base have the personality traits and character to uphold the high ideals of monogamy for life. The rest of us just plod thru life practicing serial monogamy or other forms of partnerships. Humans are animals. Animals tend to have multiple partners. Respectfully spare me your worldly tones. Yes, some of you live by the world and it's standards and some of us don't. Just because you think God doesn't exist or his standards for living, doesn't mean they aren't real. I am not telling you how to live, so don't expect me to have your belief system either. And you are so right, some humans to behave like animals, nothing more. Thank God I am in the 15%.
Recommended Posts