If it was easy it wouldn't be hard....

[carrotgirl]

Life with GD sucks moose cocks this week.

 

He has been witchy and pouty and growly and grotesque. I haven't been coping too well during his latest mood swing. I responded by mirroring his actions until it was hurting me too much to keep doing it. Oh my GOD! How does one human act so miserable and still find a way to be happy?

 

So after a week of showing no loving kindness or understanding. I just gave in to myself and gave up on trying to match GD's snotty attitude. I can't function with so much distress inside. And oh yah, I love him. That's no way to be with someone I love. I've been trying very hard to remember that he loves me too.

 

I have no words of wisdom for people looking for happily ever after endings. I still sometimes refer to GD as my ex, earning me intense ridicule from friends, "Oh Carrot! He's your boyfriend. You two are together no matter what either of you say.... You're meant for each other so quit it." It's just easier not to call him anything.

 

Maybe not all of our friends feel that way. The poison pal was suddenly back in rare form this week. The way he looked at me was chilling and I found myself going home early. It's not nice to call him a snake but he's a snake! In the back of my mind I think he's probably talking me down to GD again. That could have something to do with his shh*tty pout.

 

Knowing the love is there doesn't change the crappy, hard times being there. But I'm slowly learning to trust it. I spent the last month and a half being afraid that the minute I would relax everything would fall apart. And it has. Several times. As pissed off at me as GD's going be, he's going to love me no matter what anyway. What a concept!

 

Now if next week would only be a bit better because this week was hard.

 

Carrot

[EllaDerSpin]

Hello Carrot dear,

So you and GD are back together, this is good news. Or is it

[carrotgirl]

Hi Ella, {{{hug}}

 

We're still 1 step forward 2 steps back. GD wasn't too pleased with me last week either. Oh well. If history is a good predictor, he'll manage his demons by keeping up the silent treatment until he's feeling secure enough in himself to talk again.

 

Carrot

[EllaDerSpin]

Carrot I trust you know what youre doing, but, I'll keep listening if you want to keep venting. ((((hugs))))

[carrotgirl]

I'm venting. Yah. I know only that the right thing for me is to be true to myself and so that's what I've been doing, mistakes and all.

 

I'm very tired though. I'm body and soul weary of people in general. I'm tired of frightful, spying neighbors. I'm tired of being chased by silly, trollish men who think they're somehow entitled to a Carrot for the asking as if boldness deserves my affections. Dear trolls, Please stop trying to touch me. Even were there no GD I would not keep company with you. You're trolls.

 

I just want to sleep for a week and not be bothered by anything or anyone.

 

Carrot

[EllaDerSpin]

:)

I know you are venting, but, I do have a little advise.

Stop being so mentally involved with these people. Attention becomes a-tension. If the situation requires it, ask them to stop or something, then dont give them any further thought. Even the snake.

[carrotgirl]

I need a holiday NOW. I'm going to try and take next week off and disappear for a while. I have no sense of humor, no patience and I just want everyone to leave me alone.

 

Tonight I was going to have dinner with a friend. I texted him to tell him I'm running late after going to the gym and I'll be over after I shower. His response: I have a shower here you can use.

 

There should be a Japanese animation team following me around for when I lose my temper. They could draw me some sexist but still adorable outfit that I change into before I screech at impossibly high decibels and throw strange fire balls from my eyes. Or something.

 

I thought we'd have a quiet evening chatting over a beer and pizza. Maybe we'd play a board game. Apparently he thinks of me and he thinks of sex. I'm used to that but usually my friends keep it to themselves like good friends do. He was just flirting a little but I felt devalued.

 

 

Carrot

[EllaDerSpin]

Hey Carrot, its a good idea to take a break if you are feeling overwhelmed.

I know male friends can be infuriating sometimes, I have friends like this too, but those friends although at times I have felt devalued aswell, have really stuck by me through thick and thin, and I know there was more to it than just hoping.

Is it the only reason you are feeling this way, or are you feeling devalued generally by men, you know that I am talking GD so I wont sugarcoat it.

Is he treating you like a princess Carrot?

[carrotgirl]

Is GD treating me like a princess? There's no princess in this scenario.

 

I found my balls though. I broke my own no nasties at the office rule and hounded, more like manipulated, GD into my office at lunch time demanding to know, Whats up? He stood. He sat. He stood. He sat. He was hurt. I knew it yesterday when I saw him. I'd thought he was merely angry. He wasn't just angry. He hurt.

 

All because I'd ignored him. I guess we know who really has the power now.

It's me.

 

I'M SO F*SKING SICK OF THIS IMMATURE POWER STRUGGLE BULLSHH*T.

 

Carrot

[EllaDerSpin]

The princess is just something to measure against anyway.

I'm sorry things are hard at the moment. Have you and GD really sat down and communicated about this properly?

[carrotgirl]

I'm leaving it alone. I think we've said enough for while.

 

We had a very much sweeter man in the house today and it's a start. I have a better understanding of where GD's coming from now. As stupid and trying and hurtful as this drama is for me, I see that he's hurting too.

 

He doesn't want a relationship but he still has all of the emotions that go with being in a relationship anyway. he loves me but he doesn't want to love me because that means commitment. He can't admit he doesn't want to let go. He can't admit he wants to hold on. Bottom line, he doesn't want to lose me but he can't reconcile that with wanting to keep me.

 

GD can't/won't/can't be responsible for something he's not ready to be responsible for. I understand it since I'm the same way with my work. I'm very careful with those sound bites! It's heartbreaking to watch this frustration play out across his face. He's not ready to commit one way or another but he's honor bound to admit he has feelings for me.

 

Seeing all of this and hearing it (once I stopped reacting) gave me a chance to reconsider my own behavior some more. GD had more of a shaking up than he expected too. Now he knows that I can destroy the relationship for real. Even though it's not what I want.

 

After all that's been said and done, I have the power to walk away from him and he doesn't have the power to walk away from me.

 

I'm surprised at myself.

 

Carrot

[EllaDerSpin]

But Carrot. Where does it all leave you?

[carrotgirl]

I sent you email and only just read that you're locked out.

 

Ah well.

 

Where does it leave me? I'm okay. I don't feel that awful angst all the time. It's a vast improvement from where I was when I first hit these boards.

 

Carrot

[EllaDerSpin]

Carrot 8 more posts and I think I will be able to recieve pm's. Thats 7 now

[EllaDerSpin]

I'm glad you feel alot better. The situation where it is impossible to do NC really is a tough one. For both of you really.

[carrotgirl]

Hmmn, thought I'd written a post but evidently I didn'a.

 

Ella, oh hell, can I just call ya Spinders or what? Spinders, it turns out I can do NC seeing him every day. I can do NC and never talk to him ever again. It's not remotely what I want but I'm capable. That's what sent him over the cliffs. He was bullshh*t that I ignored him.

 

There was a bit of news on the poison pal front that has me reeling a wee bit. He had a "serious man 2 man" with GD and according to GD, said that he regrets that we ever didn't get on, and sincerely hopes we can be friends some day. Oh. GD seems to think he truly is sincere.

 

GD and I spent the day together today and it was really good. Maybe we'll have dinner together later. We'll see. We're joking and talking like normal again. I'm going to be a gigantic girl for a moment. Bear with....

 

He's adorable. He's vexing. He's just so perfectly the man for me and he smells like cookies. I'm still in love. The real deal, there's no one else I'd rather spend the day with doing nothing at all but just chatting and being friends. And even if he doesn't say it, there's what he DOES. And he does the same. He flirts with me again. It makes me wriggley

 

Okay, back to reality. Not fighting is such a pleasure. I know there's always an internal test though. I'd like us to be a couple again. Maybe poison pal is sincere. Maybe GD is hearing it for real that we can get along. It could change a lot for us. It could be a huge change for us really.

 

I'm spinning dreamy spins now...

 

Carrot

[EllaDerSpin]

Yeah, I know. I wish I could call myself Spinders.

I like girly Carrot.

If it was me, I might be tempted to force his hand by now, but I'm probably impatient.

[carrotgirl]

Spinderrrrrs! Come for a visit! We could mess with all the boys for lots and lots of fun

 

I'm in it for the long haul so I don't remotely feel the need to push any hands. I'm keeping busy and I'm doing things without him. He's doing a bit without me here and there too. He thinks he's just fine staying in his flat all the time ... MRD, no? It's much healthier for each of us whether we're a couple or not.

 

I know where I stand with him. He knows where he stands with me. If nothing else, we're learning new skills. The power struggling was making me crazy. We've had two full days of sweetness and light from GD. The genuine kind, not the seductive, manipulative kind. We are BOTH learning.

 

We're still together now. He's doing his own thing on his computer, me on mine. I'm going to kick his a$$ out the door soon though because I'm dead tired and I want a bathe. Alone. Then I want to get in bed and sleep. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks.

 

And figure out your email thing already because there's stuff! And I want to hear your news too. The news you're coyly hinting at here and there and not sharing. Yes. You!

 

Carrot

[EllaDerSpin]

LOL. Coming for a visit and messing with the boys really does sound fun at the moment.

 

It sounds cosy, and lovely and good for you for being patient and confident and faithful.

 

My news is in no way as exciting as I have made it sound, by not saying anything much at all. Thats the trouble with being mysterious. No wait, it IS exciting for me, but probably not something that most people would consider exciting.

Anyway, I thought I would get the PM priveledges by now, but sadly not.

[carrotgirl]

Spinders I think the rule is 30 days AND 50 posts.

 

I've some juicy tidbits too personal for public consuming.... but since no privacy, in the home stretch for today. Very soon I'll be able to turn work off and RELAX. I slept like the dead last night. I was that tired!

 

Shooed GD out the door, took care of chores, sat down and woke up this morning still dressed with Cat creating a nuisance. We're eating corn chips for breakfast. They're very good.

 

For my next act, I think I'll go back to sleep! GD is likely still asleep and I'm not in the mood to push/pull today. So I'm on my own. I have nothing to do. No one to see. And that's not sounding half bad today! I'm really beat.

 

Spending the whole day with GD yesterday was really fun. He got a bit cranky toward the end but I'm used to that and I think we all know I'm no different when I'm puzzling over a problem so I didn't mind. We had many small steps in the right direction again yesterday.

 

The biggest thing to me was him flirting and trying again to be part of my life, my bigger life - he was asking after relatives and such. Asking how my nieces and nephews are. It's been a long time since he expressed genuine interest in my family or spending time with them. It was a good feeling.

 

It's still a good feeling.

 

Carrot