Far Behind Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Hi everyone, I just found this site today and want to post and share my story. I feel sorta dumb, because it seems like most of you are coming out of long-term relationships, and by comparison, mine was nothing like that, though it sure felt so intense. I met this guy, J, on December 1st through an on-line dating site. We spoke on the phone that first night for 2 hours and realize some really odd coincidences between us. We went out 2 nights later, and the attraction was strong! I know I should probably have run for my life when he came on like gang-busters. From the first week he was saying he knew it was crazy, but he loved me and knew he wanted us to be together forever. Although I thought we should slow it down, and even half-assed tried to slow him down, I was swept up in the headiness of it all, and I was hooked, too. I was going away over Christmas, and I figured that would be a good time to catch our breath. I have 2 teenage daughters. He has no kids, and is not used to being around kids. Spent most of his life traveling with bands, or doing lighting design on cruise ships and in casinos in Atlantic City. He said at various times that he was concerned about how he would relate w/ my girls because he felt uncomfortable. I sort of would blow it off thinking my kids are great, they like you, it's easy...just relax. Well, a week after New Years, one day he just didn't respond to phone calls, text, IM, or email. I was shocked and confused. I knew nothing physically had happened to him because I knew he had been on myspace and on line. I behaved poorly, but after a few days I quit trying to contact him. I felt so hurt and betrayed, but I also had a feeling that he was conflicted and, although the way he handled the situation completely sucked, I felt that he had not lied to me about his feelings. I emailed w/ a friend of his a couple of times. After 3 weeks of nothing, I emailed him a (what I intended to be) a good bye email. I did not ask for him to reply, and I didn't expect him to, either. Of course, 2 days later, I got an email from him. Although he expressed anger for some stuff I had done (after he bailed), and he did not address his disappearance in the email, he indicated that he felt out of place with my kids, and that he still did have feelings for me. He asked what should he do? So I wrote him back a day or so later and said I can't tell you what to do, but I think it's clear we both have issues, we both have concerns, but we also both have feelings for each other. Let's get together and see if we think there is something to put back together. So we met that night, and it was wonderful. Realized we both still do care, there is no one else, he has to work on communication, I need to work on anger issues, but we want to be together. He was concerned about how my kids would accept him back in my life after a 3 week absence, but I again told him not to worry about that. Well the night was great. The next day we emailed during the day, and made tentative plans for the weekend. I called him when I left work and he said he'd have to call me back in a few minutes. I HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO HIM SINCE THEN!!!!! Yes, he did it again. I was numb, I was hurt all over again, I was everything you would think I would be. Last week, I was thinking the whole thing through, and started thinking about all he had said about my kids, and I realized that while I don't excuse what he did as far as dumping me without even a word, that perhaps, on some level, he had been trying to tell me all along but doesn't have the social skills to communicate (remember, he has traveled all his life, has not been around kids, runs from conflict). Well, I emailed him and expressed all of this. He wrote me back and said everyday he has to face the void that this has created in his life. Huh??? I wrote him back you created that void, and the void sucks cuz I feel it, too. Then I said when you are ready to talk, I am here. I really do believe that his feelings for me are real. Am I an idiot? I have NEVER felt the hurt I felt from this situation. I wrapped myself up completely in him, lost myself in the process, and can't seem to move forward. I think about him all the time, wondering if he's thinking about me. My brain KNOWS it's time to move on, but my heart keeps giving me just the worst possible advice. Tuesday night was the last straw, I guess. I had had a very difficult conversation w/ my ex-husband and when I left his house, I was so distraught, I called J one last, humiliating time. I had not called him once since the weekend I realized I had been dumped for the 2nd time. He let the call go to voice mail and I said I was hurting real bad, could he please call me and talk to me, which of course he didn't. Then I sent him an email apologizing for the phone call, and said I won't call you anymore, since this is what you want. I felt so stupid afterwards. I have not heard from him the rest of the week. It seems to me that if he really loved me, he would have put aside whatever conflict he feels and just made sure I was alright, but he didn't. I guess that's really my answer. I want to let you all know, we aren't kids, though I guess the behavior on both our parts is pretty childish. I'm going to be 50 in a month, he is 47. He was married once, for 10 years, but it wasn't a typical marriage. I know there were so many red flags that I ignored, but I was crazy about him and thought the feeling was mutual. On some levels, I still think that, though what he did is so cowardly and horrible. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this long and rambling post. I am spending the night home because I have a cold I need to knock out before some surgery I need to have on Thursday. Any thoughts, input, whatever you all have is so greatly appreciated.
s_n_d Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 You do not need a man like that in your life. You need to surround yourself with positive people who do NOT bail whenever things get hard. I know how your feeling. My ex and I were having a few problems and immediately he bailed on us. He never even tried to attempt a reconciliation. You deserve someone who will love those girls of yours as his own and who will love you unconditionally. I have done the online thing before. My ex and I actually met online too but we only met after several of months of talking to eachother online. After those several months of talking to eachother online we started calling eachother for several more months and then we decided to meet. I think maybe it would be a good thing for you to not rush into things especially online, in the future. After all, you have your two girls to worry about as well, despite the fact that their teenagers. P.S. Whenever you feel like you need some advice, feel free to post on here and We will all try our best to help you. Hope your surgery goes well. Keep us posted.
Peter_pan Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 please please please paragraph to some extent.
DaisyBelle Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I'm really sorry you're hurting, FB. When you are lonely, it's hard not to be sucked into situations where someone appears to be handing you everything you want: kind words, attention, etc. But, in general, when people come on very strong like that, claiming to love you although they hardly know you, you're usually dealing with someone who is emotionally immature and not sensitive to others' feelings, either. Someone who can fall in "love" that easily can just as easily fall out of love, as you saw. Be grateful this guy showed his true colors pretty quickly. Imagine if you had been swept away into a long term relationship, only to have him pull these stunts. Imagine the painful impact it'd have not only on you, but on your children as well. I know this is very painful for you but what you fell for was an illusion. Please do not be hard on yourself and kick yourself over this. Human nature craves love and it's hard to remain unmoved when someone comes at you with affection, even if it's just an illusion. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy shows up again with his dramatics. Be strong and stay away from him. Don't let him further injure you with his rollercoaster. You have tried to establish something with him, it obviously didn't work, and he doesn't deserve any more of your time. He cannot give you what you want. You barely know him and you're already using words like "humiliated" to describe the emotions you're feeling. When he does contact you again, conjure up in your mind the way you felt when he ignored and humiliated you. Hopefully that will give you the strength not to answer the phone at all when/if he calls again.
Author Far Behind Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 Thank you for your support. I know you are right about him. As I said before, I know in my brain, my heart is just a little slow on the up-take, lol. I have definitely learned a lot from this experience, so that's a good thing. I have a feeling he will show up again at some point, too, and that is when the true test will kick in. Yesterday I was at the doctor's office, and the nurse told me a story about how she had met someone, it was a fast and furious six weeks, he came on like gang busters to her, then broke it off because he wasn't ready to commit (though I think he actually had the courtesy to tell her). She was devastated, of course. Then about 4 months later, she ran into him in a restaurant. Well, long story short, they started dating again, and they have now been married for over 10 years. So, some stories do have happy endings. And I guess mine will in the long run, though it won't be with this guy. My surgery is not complicated, though I thank you for your concern, and I will post and let you know I'm ok. I like the threads I've read so far and plan to be around, since we all seem to share something in common!
SuziwithaQ Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Far Behind, I just read your story as you told me it was similar to mine. God, sweetie I'm sorry you are going through this too. In one of my text messages yesterday I actually wrote, "at the very least tell me u need time or go away or f*ck off. Don't make me sit here and wonder." Of course I didn't get a response either. I'm sorry you are going through this pain. Please know that I'm going thru it too and I understand.
Author Far Behind Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Arrrrggggghhhh!!!!! I thought that same thing. The first time this happened, he kept me on his myspace page which confused the hell out of me. He still had that he was in a relationship w/ me, had my picture in the #1 spot. I thought what kind of relationship is this where you won't even respond to me and tell me WTF is going on??? I finally had to delete him because I kept feeling like he was mocking me somehow. I don't think that now, but now we are not on each other's pages, either. Then when I saw him 2 weeks ago, we joked about getting back on each other's pages, and before I figured out that he had bailed for the 2nd time, I had actually sent him email through myspace saying so, do i get my #1 status back. How dumb, huh. It's good you're going to the gym and trying to stay busy. I would have gone to yoga today but trying to get a cold knocked out before my surgery on Thursday, but trying to do some stuff around my apartment. But what I really do, at the core, is think about him, listen to music, and sometimes even cry. It sucks. And I know it sucks for you, too. It's good to know someone else is going through it (not that I"m happy for you, just knowing we're not alone).
mistie03 Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 (edited) I would be willing to bet you that you are not the first woman he has done this to and you won't be the last. Pay attention to his actions, not his words. I see commitmentphobe red flags all over the place. This guy obviously likes to come on strong and then run. One of the biggest warning flags is how fast he professed his love for you. And, he did this without considering your children? I don't buy his excuse about your kids. He knew you had kids when he was wooing you to fall for him. I call BS on his excuses. He knows very well that it is a flimsy excuse. That is why he is avoiding you. I say be glad that he is gone now and move on. I would lose his number and if he calls again, tell him to lose yours. Otherwise, it will be another wonderful evening to get your hopes up and then he will disappear again. Edited February 17, 2008 by mistie03
Author Far Behind Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 You know I KNOW that, but for whatever reason, I am just having the hardest time letting go of what I thought, instead of facing what is. Every day is better, and I've made no attempt at further contact since Tuesday. Coming to terms with the fact that I'll probably never know why is hard, too. I have been in several long term relationships, including a 15 year marriage. I have never been as hurt as I was from this situation, but that is probably because I ignored the red flags, and in my other relationships, although the endings were painful, they were initiated by me. Maybe it's some kind of karmic retaliation! haha. I know better.
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