willodeewisp Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Hello I am new to this forum and am overjoyed to find a place where I communicate with others in similar situations. I am a MW who was having an affair with a MM. It started off as "extracurricular" but turned into love. I fell head over heels, and though he says he loves me, I don't think to the extent in which I love him. On Thursday (Valentine's day) I explained to him my doubts about being #2 in his life and asked if he would ever be with me permanently, to which his reply was he didn't know, but he doesn't think he culd cause the pain and suffering to his wife. Also he has this hangup of wanting everyone to like him, and I don't personally think the aftermath of his breaking up his marriage and how others would view him is the greatest reason why he can't. Anyways to make a long story, well, longer, we decided to take a break from each other. My heart is broken...the pain and emptiness I feel inside is taking on a physical form in that I can't sleep, I have a painful headaches and an upset stomach. I drove him away and I don't know if he will ever come back. My question is: Do I learn to live without him? Or do I learn to accept that I will always be #2 in his life and try to squash any hopes of that changing when I'm with him?
OpenBook Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 You've fallen "head over heels" and are way too focused on someone who doesn't return the feelings. I think it's time to turn away from this man, and focus on something else. Take it one day at a time, and slowly the pain will ease and eventually disappear. I can't help but wonder though, how your H feels (or would feel, if he knew) about being #2 in YOUR life?
Author willodeewisp Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 My H would hate feeling he was #2 in my life. Really does anyone want to be #2 to the person they love. I just have this enormous feeling of loss, and am second guessing myself about the decision I've made to be without MM. Why does it have to be all or nothing? Why can't I just be happy seeing MM on the side? We would see each other every week and talk/text everyday we weren't together. He makes my heart race, and gives me butterflies, but if everytime we are together I'm hoping it will turn into something permanent, then I will always be setting myself up for more hurt. I think I just answered my own question
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 1. I drove him away and I don't know if he will ever come back. 2. Do I learn to live without him? 3. Or do I learn to accept that I will always be #2 in his life and try to squash any hopes of that changing when I'm with him? 1. First of all, you didn't drive him away. He backed away of his own accord, because he found it easier than to tell you "I'm never going to leave my wife". 2. I would be looking at why I felt the need to live with him in my life in the first place, and work on whatever deficiencies in my life that would lead to me not being able to live my married life without someone else's husband involved. You have the opportunity for a break - may as well look at what got you into this mess, and work on whatever you can to get out of it. 3. Again - why do you feel that you have to compromise your happiness in that way? What is it you really want, that you would destroy two families, and your own sense of self worth to get it? Are you sure its him, or is it some intangible "ideal" that you think you will have with him? Do you have a therapist or a counselor you can talk to about this? I think if you take your focus off MM and turn it into yourself you'll find that what you are missing inside is something that only you can provide, and perhaps you'll stop looking on the outside for something that will never provide it for you.
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Why does it have to be all or nothing? Why can't I just be happy seeing MM on the side? BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED! You've already got a husband, you said vows to! You cannot have someone on the side and continue your marriage -Well, you can, but it's SELFISH of you to do that. If you are unhappy in your marriage, either fix it by talking to your husband and going to marriage counselling, or end it. OR, talk to your husband about having an open marriage, that way he can have another woman on the side. How would you feel if he was cheating on you, fell inlove with another woman, putting her first above you? Do you have children with your husband? If so, you're not only cheating on your husband, you're betraying your whole family unit. Your MM isn't going to leave his wife, but it seems you'd happily give up your husband to be with the MM, yes? If that is the case, you maybe should consider leaving your husband anyway since it seems MM isn't leaving his wife. OR, as I mentioned earlier, fix your marriage. Confess your A to your husband and let HIM decide if he wants to stay married to you. Good luck and get some counselling to help you cope with what's going on in your life.
Author willodeewisp Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 1. First of all, you didn't drive him away. He backed away of his own accord, because he found it easier than to tell you "I'm never going to leave my wife". 2. I would be looking at why I felt the need to live with him in my life in the first place, and work on whatever deficiencies in my life that would lead to me not being able to live my married life without someone else's husband involved. You have the opportunity for a break - may as well look at what got you into this mess, and work on whatever you can to get out of it. 3. Again - why do you feel that you have to compromise your happiness in that way? What is it you really want, that you would destroy two families, and your own sense of self worth to get it? Are you sure its him, or is it some intangible "ideal" that you think you will have with him? Do you have a therapist or a counselor you can talk to about this? I think if you take your focus off MM and turn it into yourself you'll find that what you are missing inside is something that only you can provide, and perhaps you'll stop looking on the outside for something that will never provide it for you. You are absolutely correct!!!! But where do I go from here? I don't want to ruin two families and definitely do not want to diminish my own self worth, but I am searching for something and I don't know what that is. I feel very frustrated for I have talked ad naseum with my therapist about this, have read every book out there on the subject and still I search. I do love this man, but there was always the thought at the back of my mind, that if we were to be together would it solve my problem or only be a temporary band aid to what really ails me.
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 (edited) My question is: Do I learn to live without him? Or do I learn to accept that I will always be #2 in his life and try to squash any hopes of that changing when I'm with him? so, do you live without him and figure out who you are and what it is you are looking for or do you stay with him and be #2 in his life, while your husband and family drops to #3 and HE is number #1 But where do I go from here? but there was always the thought at the back of my mind, that if we were to be together would it solve my problem or only be a temporary band aid to what really ails me. I think you answered your own quesiton. That is your conscience talking, your inner counselor , a gut feeling. Either way you have doubt with both decisions dont you? The real question is finding out what ails you and what you choose to do about it. Will you make your path straight? or will you wander off avoiding the truth? You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life and if you dont like who you are, you'll have to change YOU sooner or later. NO ONE an do it for you. Not even another married man. no one can fix what ails you except you. if you dont mind me asking... how old are you and how long have you been married? do you have children? Edited February 17, 2008 by ThumbingMyWay
Cobra_X30 Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 You are absolutely correct!!!! But where do I go from here? I don't want to ruin two families and definitely do not want to diminish my own self worth, but I am searching for something and I don't know what that is. I feel very frustrated for I have talked ad naseum with my therapist about this, have read every book out there on the subject and still I search. I do love this man, but there was always the thought at the back of my mind, that if we were to be together would it solve my problem or only be a temporary band aid to what really ails me. I think we should be talking about your Husband. That seems to be where the problem exists. Do you really think that you need 2 men to make you happy? If so Why?
LadyDi Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Is it the sex that's so consuming with this man or the conversation? I've often wondered myself why a person can't have both a good marriage and a lover on the side....except for the obvious reason of the vows etc, like another poster stated. But that's this particular society's rules.....many places it isn't that big a deal. I've often thought that poligamist had a pretty good idea going on......
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