blair08 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I have a question. My husband likes to dig through the trash. Is he a dog? I hope not. He has been doing this for about 4-5 years now. We have had some rocky times just as anyone else has. There were times where I wasn't sure we we're going to make it. A few years back when things were not to good, I remember seeing him do this. I called him out on it and asked him why he was going through the trash. He doesn't do it when the trash is in the trash can in the house. He does this, when he takes the trash out to our big garbage can outside. I asked him what he was looking for. Its always the same answer, nothing...but yet he is digging. I caught him once when he didn't know I was standing on our patio, he became deer like caught in headlights. It was sad and kind of funny and at the same time. I once again asked him what was he looking for? His normal answer, nothing. I have seen him go through papers in the trash. It can be papers of anything that has been thrown in there. Now, a few years back when he was doing this, there were some suspcions on my part about if he may or may not be messing around. We talked about it, he reassured me that he has not done anything. Plus I had no real proof of anything at all anyway, just that nagging feeling something wasn't right. We proceeded to counseling, where I felt things were better. To my knowledge I have never given him reason to think I'm the one doing anything I shouldn't. I'm faithful, and always have been. I fought long and hard for our marriage. Here it is 4-5 years later and he is still digging in the trash. Do I think its some kind of disorder type of thing? No not really. It appears he is truly looking/searching to find something. He seems really adamant about it too. Is there anyone who might could tell me or give me an opinon as to why they feel he would do this. Even years later when things seem to be better. I don't understand what he is looking for. I feel almost like he wants so bad to find some dirt on me or something, and that he wont stop until he does. I don't get it.
Ronni_W Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Well, you know...my mother really enjoys ironing...and I don't get that at all . And she doesn't get my fascination with auto racing. (Sometimes it is just "different strokes for different folks.") OTOH, have you tried a more direct approach? "Honey, when you do that it makes me think you're looking for some incriminating evidence against me." If it is just his "thing" that he finds some release or pleasure from (that you don't understand but that you're not obligated or entitled to understand, either), then likely he hasn't considered the impact on you. But until you tell him your deeper concern, he has no way of helping you realize if there is nothing to be concerned about.
sunshinegirl Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Could it be some kind of OCD thing? I wonder if you're dismissing the possibility of a disorder too quickly.
Lizzie60 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 This is strange.. If I were you, I would leave him alone, and let him go through the thrash.. no big deal.. only he knows what he's looking for.. and if you think he's looking for dirt... then if there is no dirt to be found, you shouldn't worry about it... He will eventually snap out of it and get tired of finding nothing... with time, he will see by himself how ridiculous he is..
Author blair08 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 Well, you know...my mother really enjoys ironing...and I don't get that at all . And she doesn't get my fascination with auto racing. (Sometimes it is just "different strokes for different folks.") OTOH, have you tried a more direct approach? "Honey, when you do that it makes me think you're looking for some incriminating evidence against me." If it is just his "thing" that he finds some release or pleasure from (that you don't understand but that you're not obligated or entitled to understand, either), then likely he hasn't considered the impact on you. But until you tell him your deeper concern, he has no way of helping you realize if there is nothing to be concerned about. I have expressed my concern for awhile now. I do understand what you're saying though. I have asked him if he is trying to find something on me. He doesn't answer me. He just looks at me. I hope that whatever it is he is looking for though, he finds and maybe he will be satisfied and it will put an end to it. If not, and it is his "thing" then yes he can continue to dig.
Author blair08 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 Could it be some kind of OCD thing? I wonder if you're dismissing the possibility of a disorder too quickly. It very well could be. However, I would think if it were, he wouldn't be startled when I ask him waht he is doing and starts shoving things back in the trash. Although, maybe he is embarrassed.
Lizzie60 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Maybe you should play a trick and put a Valentine card in the trash FOR HIM... or a love letter... something for him...
Author blair08 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 This is strange.. If I were you, I would leave him alone, and let him go through the thrash.. no big deal.. only he knows what he's looking for.. and if you think he's looking for dirt... then if there is no dirt to be found, you shouldn't worry about it... He will eventually snap out of it and get tired of finding nothing... with time, he will see by himself how ridiculous he is.. You're right. There is no dirt, so hopefully he will get tired at some point and figure there is nothing to be found. After 4-5 years of doing the same thing, you would think it would get old. As far as leaving him alone, he is left alone. I have said things to him before out of concern because I do not understand why he does it. However, he is free to dig. He does anyway.
Author blair08 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 Maybe you should play a trick and put a Valentine card in the trash FOR HIM... or a love letter... something for him... You know.....I actually had thought of laying a piece of paper with writing on it, on top fo the trash so when he goes outside and opens the trash bag its the frist thing he will take out and read. I thought of putting something like, "Surprise is this what you're looking for?" But I dunno...it might just tick him off.
JackJack Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 If he is still doing this years later, then there is a problem. OCD or not its something that I think needs to be resolved. Sure, it could play itself out over time, but come on, 4 or 5 years and he is still doing it? I don't know you're whole situation, but its possible he wants to find something out on you because maybe he still feels guilt for something he has done in the past or is till doing. BTW, that could be anything too. I would put my foot down. Tell him you're concerned, its gone on long enough and you feel he might need some help for what he is doing. Tell him if he is bothered by the trash can, you can help out be taking it out yourself. If that makes him more suspcious because you want to take the trash out, then you may have your answer. Or you can say nothing, and continue to watch and let him dig.
Lizzie60 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 you said you asked him about his strange behaviour a few times.. then you watched him from the patio.. he probably knows you're watching him and that probably reinforces his thought that there could be some dirt. I don't know... it is strange.. but I would completely ignore him... do not talk about it.. don't even watch him.. he's obsessing about something...
Author blair08 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 you said you asked him about his strange behaviour a few times.. then you watched him from the patio.. he probably knows you're watching him and that probably reinforces his thought that there could be some dirt. I don't know... it is strange.. but I would completely ignore him... do not talk about it.. don't even watch him.. he's obsessing about something... Anytime that I have seen him its not been on purpose. I was already outside on my patio and he didn't know I was out there. I was around the corner watering flowers and he was putting the trash in the trash can, and thats when he was digging. I was already out there. Plus I have walked to the door before to let the dog out etc and seen him as well. I'm not real sure what to do. I think it could be a real issue then again maybe its nothing.
Lizzie60 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Wow... strange really strange.. I am afraid I don't know what advice I can come up with ... this got to be the strangest thing...
Author blair08 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 Wow... strange really strange.. I am afraid I don't know what advice I can come up with ... this got to be the strangest thing... I agree. I think what bothers me the most about this behavior is that its gone on for so long. As someone said earlier, maybe its a guilt thing. It very well could be. I could understand it more so years ago when we were going through some issues. As I had said I was suspcious of him doing things, even though there was no proof. I was thinking maybe since he thought I was suspcious, and that maybe he was doing something he shouldn't, then maybe he felt if he was, then it was possible I was. So therfore it might have explained his digging for things back then, but not still years later, after cousneling and things getting better. Like I said, I have nothing to hide. Didn't back then and still don't. But for whatever reason, it seems he is having a hard time with that I guess.
Ronni_W Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 (edited) You know.....I actually had thought of laying a piece of paper with writing on it, on top fo the trash so when he goes outside and opens the trash bag its the frist thing he will take out and read. I thought of putting something like, "Surprise is this what you're looking for?" My thoughts on that is that it takes the whole thing to a very different level of playing head games and sort of just mistreatment -- especially if it is an undiagnosed disorder from which he is suffering. Whatever is going on for him deserves kindness and compassion. Tit-for-tat or whatever just escalates things and puts more spotlight on it than it deserves, in a very negative way. As you say, there is nothing for him to "find" that you are afraid he'll find. Make your own commitment to not bring it up again unless the behaviour starts to threaten the emotional, mental, physical or spiritual aspects of him, yourself or others in your household. All on its own, it sounds completely harmless at this point. Edited February 16, 2008 by Ronni_W grammar
Ronni_W Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I think what bothers me the most about this behavior is that its gone on for so long. Blair, you could also (if you wanted to, that is) look at why it bothers you? For example, I've been biting my nails for 35 or 40 years. For my Mom or Hubby or whomever to now say, "I was okay with you doing that for the first 3 years or 30 years or whatever..." -- what would that be about? My SO scavenges for electronic parts - we could walk past a pile of it on the street, or be visiting someplace. That tendency of his is unlikely to disappear. Now, yes, "electronic parts" may sound more acceptable than "general household garbage" but the principle is the same -- we need to accept them with all the weird habits EVEN WHEN it makes us kinda embarrassed for ourselves. When I first called my SO a "scavenger", he was quite offended but I explained that it was not a negative judgment -- just that is the term one calls that type of behaviour. We now joke about it...and he has grown proud of his excellent scavenger skills Perhaps if you can find a humourous way to deal with it, then it can just become something you share and are not embarrassed by?
Author blair08 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 My thoughts on that is that it takes the whole thing to a very different level of playing head games and sort of just mistreatment -- especially if it is an undiagnosed disorder from which he is suffering. Whatever is going on for him deserves kindness and compassion. Tit-for-tat or whatever just escalates things and puts more spotlight on it than it deserves, in a very negative way. As you say, there is nothing for him to "find" that you are afraid he'll find. Make your own commitment to not bring it up again unless the behaviour starts to threaten the emotional, mental, physical or spiritual aspects of him, yourself or others in your household. All on its own, it sounds completely harmless at this point. That's exactly WHY I didn't do it. It would be game playing. I wont bring it up again. I'll let him dig because he will and its what he has been doing anyway. I will say that when he comes in from going through the trash him seems rather down and disappointed. Thanks.
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