It_Hurts Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 After coming to LS a couple of weeks ago and receiving fantastic advice. Things have changed so much for me. I had been going through all the emotions of love, hate, anger and just wanting us to be together so much. I was feeling he had all the power and I had none, things have now changed. I have the power and he is feeling extremely lost. I will probably get seriously flamed for telling you this but it may help someone else in the same situation as me. What did I do? Firstly I changed my attitude. I asked myself what did I want from him if he stayed with his wife forever. I tried going NC but it wasn't working and it didn't feel right. I loved all the flattery, attention etc and I still wanted that, also I needed to have a PA with him bc the not knowing if we would be good together was killing me. I have been playing lots of sports and exercising almost everyday. I have lots of friends male and female and talk and go out with them. MM knows exactly what I am doing and is almost saying "What about us?".....I say "What about us? I am busy at the moment" (i.e. I am not waiting for you to walk out the door anymore). So we are now having a PA and I have told him to stay with his wife and our relationship has to be purely physical. He keeps saying "What if......" I have told him, I am not interested in living in La La Land and don't wish to talk about it. I have said, it is all great for now but once I meet someone else I will finish it and I will. So, what is so wrong with having all the attention and having a nice time, whilst waiting for a nice single guy to come along. I am not sitting at home waiting for his phone calls, text messages and emails. Even though I am receiving more than ever telling me that he will not let me get away. I no longer discuss HIS problems and told him, I really don't want to hear it anymore and lets live for today. My state of mind is that, if we are together in the future, that will be great, if we are not, that's ok too bc sooner or later someone else will be in my life. I think Lizzie's posts did it for me more than anything, what a great attitude to have. I will not get hurt by him, we can just have a great time, until it fizzles out, I met someone else or he is prepared to leave. I feel better than I have in years about him and us. What will be, will be. Please don't shouting WHAT ABOUT HIS WIFE? That's his problem and his problems are his NOT MINE. Thanks again to all of you who took the time to tell me, exactly how it is, I am no longer waiting around but there are other alternatives to NC. It's all about your attitude.
Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I think you may be on to something. How long has it been for this change? The minute I decide I am done and leave the country for a while, my mm decides he wants to move. Didnt last long though. It seems the more I give, the less he does, the less, I do, the more he does. Makes sense to me. So how long this change? Wanna see him jump, tell him you have a date,
OWoman Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 No flames from me, IH, you're in a space I know very well. Enjoy!
child_of_isis Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I think it is a very good strategy. It will keep you strong and emotionally detached. If you are emotionally detached, then he cannot manipulate you. And you will meet someone. And when you do, MM will do flips trying to get you back under his thumb. But... you will no longer want him.
Author It_Hurts Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 (edited) I think you may be on to something. How long has it been for this change? The minute I decide I am done and leave the country for a while, my mm decides he wants to move. Didnt last long though. It seems the more I give, the less he does, the less, I do, the more he does. Makes sense to me. So how long this change? Wanna see him jump, tell him you have a date, It really hasn't been about how long this change has occurred. I have always had the attitude that a man must chase me and think that I will not always be available to him. I have probably read too many books on the subject like Why men love Bitches etc, but saying that once reading them I always thought I could have written them myself. It is not about game playing but about having attitude and being nice with it. Everything started ok with MM and I had my usual attitude. Then we started talking about feelings, he said he was going to leave (that was within a couple of weeks) then I lost it when he didn't. I started to act like I never did before, listening too much, caring too much and worst of all talking too much about US. I really do mean what I am feeling, it is not just a game or a way to get him to come to me. I live every day for today and have a great life, why would I choose to be miserable instead of happy, my life is in my hands not any man's. So to answer your question, it wasn't about changing, I just suffered a severe blip in my attitude for a couple of months and he thought I would be around forever while he sorted out his s**t and I probably would have. Not any more. I do not tell him when I have dates (I have been on dates in the last couple of months) he will only need to know when I am serious about someone else and we are over. Edited February 16, 2008 by It_Hurts
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Just keep your thoughts where they are now, even if you have to print this thread out and read it every day. It won't be easy, but at least you have a starting point. Eventually you'll get to the point where you are strong enough not to take what you can get, but walk away and find a greater happiness for yourself that doesn't require you to have to compromise your happiness.
Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 It really hasn't been about how long this change has occurred. I have always had the attitude that a man must chase me and think that I will not always be available to him. I have probably read too many books on the subject like Why men love Bitches etc, but saying that once reading them I always thought I could have written them myself. It is not about game playing but about having attitude and being nice with it. Everything started ok with MM and I had my usual attitude. Then we started talking about feelings, he said he was going to leave (that was within a couple of weeks) then I lost it when he didn't. I started to act like I never did before, listening too much, caring too much and worst of all talking too much about US. I really do mean what I am feeling, it is not just a game or a way to get him to come to me. I live every day for today and have a great life, why would I choose to be miserable instead of happy, my life is in my hands not any man's. So to answer your question, it wasn't about changing, I just suffered a severe blip in my attitude for a couple of months and he thought I would be around forever while he sorted out his s**t and I probably would have. Not any more. I do not tell him when I have dates (I have been on dates in the last couple of months) he will only need to know when I am serious about someone else and we are over. Wow, I always thought the same thing, I never chased. But it seems different this time. I guess because of the insecurities that I have because he does have someone at home. We have had so many "dates " where he was moving out and they failed. Emotionally I was beat down. But everytime I said enough, is enough, I am done with this R, cause I just cant do it anymore, where I gained the strength, to walk, to take care of me first. There he came, with that puppy dog look, and i melted pretty much on the spot. Then the dance started over again. I hate these games. I call them games, I say what I think, what I feel. i dont hold back. I guess that is my problem, I am an open book to him. Keep talking I am learning , thanks for your post:)
underpants Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 So, what is so wrong with having all the attention and having a nice time, whilst waiting for a nice single guy to come along. I am not sitting at home waiting for his phone calls, text messages and emails. Even though I am receiving more than ever telling me that he will not let me get away. I no longer discuss HIS problems and told him, I really don't want to hear it anymore and lets live for today. What if the nice single guy has a problem with you seeing a married person or history as an affair partner? If you really are done with the relationship then is it so bad to be on your own for a while? Good luck to you.
Tomcat33 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Hi It Hurts - I think that's a great attitude, you get what YOU want out of it and be done with him when someone better comes along. Afterall he is not making any moves to be with you so why should you wait, and sure as heck is getting the best of both worlds and getting out if what he wants, so I am glad you were able to turn the tables and be the one back in charge of yourself. Ha it is SO funny how things turn out in these situations when you show them you are in control of yourself and you don't care anymore, they get really crazy. Men are all about the challenge and the conquest, they can't get enough of that and they can't even explain why. And the best part is you are in your every right to do this because you are being open with him and now the ball is in his court, he can't say he was forced to cheat he can't say he was pulled and tugged in ever direction he can't say diddly squat because the ball is entirely in his court now. I think you are definitely on the right path, taking control of yourself is a great move because when you do that things start to make sense again and before you know it you'll be on to bigger and better.
Tomcat33 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 What if the nice single guy has a problem with you seeing a married person or history as an affair partner? That's silly she never has to talk about it with the single guys, no one in her future ever has to know. Problem solved.
Author It_Hurts Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 Underpants - Why would I tell the SG that I am seeing a married person? He doesn't need to know this, I don't tell guys all about my past and sexual history. Please don't say anything about trust etc. I have never ever been unfaithful, there is no way I would sleep with two men. If and when I meet a SG and decide to go to bed with him (this would takes weeks/months), I would know he was special and tell the MM it is off. I am not done with the relationship that is the point. I have been on my own more than I have been in serious relationships, I actually LOVE being on my own. But my question was, what is so wrong with getting a bit of love and attention from someone, it makes me feel special, it makes me feel good so what the hell? Mino - I think you are right, I do love him (I no longer tell him this) but I may be in love with someone else more in the future. I have taken off my rose-tinted glasses, I am not waiting around for him to leave his wife. I am not setting deadlines, in my head or giving him any clue what may or may not happen. I don't know myself. I have told him, I am about today, don't know if I will be here in a month or so. He is upset. It is not a threat or a promise, it will be whatever it will be. As I said, for the first time ever, I opened up, told someone EXACTLY how I was feeling, how I was thinking etc, I then finished it, went NC, then told him I loved him again etc. Every day was a merry dance, I didn't know if I was coming or going. Neither did he. Now he knows and I know - where we are at. I said there is no future with us, just enjoy today. He says there will be. Actions speak louder than words and I am no longer listening to his promises and words. As I said before I feel FREE, he is running after me doing things he didn't do before, he is worried, I know that. I am being extremely nice to him, why wouldn't I be? But my replys to his question are short and non-commital and I take ages to reply to texts/e-mails etc. I doesn't matter what happens now, I feel completely sorted in my head and not screwed up anymore.
Tomcat33 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 As I said before I feel FREE, he is running after me doing things he didn't do before, he is worried, I know that. I am being extremely nice to him, why wouldn't I be? But my replys to his question are short and non-commital and I take ages to reply to texts/e-mails etc. I doesn't matter what happens now, I feel completely sorted in my head and not screwed up anymore. That's totally awsome, good for you! Let him know who is the boss of you. Why would I tell the SG that I am seeing a married person? He doesn't need to know this, I don't tell guys all about my past and sexual history. If and when I meet a SG and decide to go to bed with him (this would takes weeks/months), I would know he was special and tell the MM it is off. Exactly! It's not even a point of concern at all really. Last I checked people don't need to know anything about our pasts we don't want them to know. Everyone has their right to pivacy.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I think that's a good attitude for you to have...Take care of you!
akrowergirl Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 This post helped me so much - this forum is helping me so much. I am trying to have this same attitude - thanks for the insporation!
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I hope you truly do believe what you're trying to accomplish because NO man will woo you away from your MM as long as you're still having a PA with him. You may think it's casual and no big deal but the fact is, you do love him. I doesn't matter what happens now, I feel completely sorted in my head and not screwed up anymore. So, if tomorrow if he ended it completely, and told you he wants to be faithful to his wife, no more contact, you'd be fine and move on?
Mino Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 I hope you truly do believe what you're trying to accomplish because NO man will woo you away from your MM as long as you're still having a PA with him. You may think it's casual and no big deal but the fact is, you do love him. So, if tomorrow if he ended it completely, and told you he wants to be faithful to his wife, no more contact, you'd be fine and move on? You know I think this is where denial comes in. I too, had this attitude in the first year. Yes, I thought I had everything under control, my control. Then it just kinda sneaks up on you,you know where the table turns, and guess what your stuck! Yeah, its been a while but I do remember this cocky feeling. Even after a breakup, It comes back, for a moment. I feel I got it back, then it sweeps me right up again and the stuckness finds your soul. Wierd how that happens:confused:
Author It_Hurts Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 (edited) I hope you truly do believe what you're trying to accomplish because NO man will woo you away from your MM as long as you're still having a PA with him. You may think it's casual and no big deal but the fact is, you do love him. So, if tomorrow if he ended it completely, and told you he wants to be faithful to his wife, no more contact, you'd be fine and move on? I know that he will not end it with me. You may think that is me being cocky but I just know. If he told me he was going to be faithful to his wife etc, I would probably fall over. However, if he did tell me that, what could I do? I know that we do not have a future, we would just finish sooner that I expected. He has had a massive fight with his wife AGAIN and a couple of weeks ago, I would have been saying "Poor baby, what can I do? What do you want to do? etc" I would have almost be demanding that he should not take any nonsense and walk. I no longer feel like that. I said "Oh" almost nevermind, you will get over it. I absolutely refuse to get caught up in his drama anymore. They will have lots more fights, lots more misery but it ain't my problem. He has never said he will not leave, he has always said he would. He does not say he can't leave for the kids or that he loves his wife etc. All he says he is working on leaving. I know from my own experience that until he SNAPS, his relationship will not be over. He may be working on it for another 6 years. Do I think we have a future - NO. Am I living in hope of us being together - NO. Am I ready to go cold turkey - NO. So I will carry on seeing him but my eyes are wide open and I know without a shadow of doubt, is it for today and tomorrow only. Edited February 17, 2008 by It_Hurts
Owl Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 But my question was, what is so wrong with getting a bit of love and attention from someone, it makes me feel special, it makes me feel good so what the hell? Do you really want an answer to this question? Or do you just "want to hear what you want to hear"?
Author It_Hurts Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 AND just when I had it all completely sorted.......... HE HAS LEFT......
SeraBella Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 AND just when I had it all completely sorted.......... HE HAS LEFT...... left what?
Author It_Hurts Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Left her because he wants to be with me
Owl Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Ok...he's left her...again. Thanks for the clarification. I wanna throw this back at you again: [quote[ But my question was, what is so wrong with getting a bit of love and attention from someone, it makes me feel special, it makes me feel good so what the hell? Do you really want an answer to this question? Or do you just "want to hear what you want to hear"?
openingup Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Whew. What are you going to do? This happens so often - men get scared and finally act when they see us pulling away, but by the time we've pulled away, we don't care anymore. I wish I could bottle that, "who cares, go f*** yourself" vibe and give it out when I actually still had something invested in the relationship. I think men can smell true rejection and can't handle it, it's emasculating . . . Let us know what you decide . . .
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