Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 First off, maybe he needs some anti-d's if he's that depressed...He also needs to be working out because that helps fight the stress and depression...And reassure him that this will pass...All the sacrifices will pay off...You just have to get through the hard part first... If he needs help, help him make a plan...Make him see that's it's doable and can be mutually rewarding...Why doesn't he want to move in with you? He could do overnight visitations other than your place...Until you both can get a place of your own together... You need to know what he needs to sort out...If you guys are a couple, then you both need to communicate your feelings...Try not to give him too much advice, but when he asks, tell him what you think... I would get him to give me a time frame...And then you'll see what he's doing to move towards it...If he's not walking the walk, you'll know... I probably have different ideas about this than others, but I'm going through it right now, too...I'm further through it than you, but I know how it feels to be on that roller coaster...Thankfully, my honey has 2 speeds, super-slow and super-fast so the roller coaster didn't last too long and we are blissfully happy right now and he moved in with me and we're moving to our own place next weekend... Don't be discouraged and don't sacrifice yourself or your needs while he's getting his **** together...You're the prize, not the other way around... Don't let him make you feel otherwise... GEL Thats funny, your advice , I did. I got him out to the gym, got him to hang out with his guy friends, Trying to get him to build his social circle and have FUN, He just got off meds in December. But he is in IC, and the therapist tell him he needs to learn to love himself first. Funny, he wife said, there you go , no you got him , you won the prize! I felt wierd when she said this, I never looked at a person this way. She said it like he was an object, sounded wierd. I know he is unhappy at home, but I also know with time she would also be much happier too. About the timeframes, He always has failed them, meaning the day came, and then I got the talk, where he just couldnt do it , too overwelming. Thats why this was such a surprise, it was his idea this time, cause I was leaving for a month. I think he just got scared I could meet someone new. so he made his move, enough to get me home early
GreenEyedLady Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I agree that people can coparent.. but in a parent's mind it's always about the child.. will he be unhappy? of course he will (except in cases of abuse) kids with good parents are devastated.. you cannot deny that.. Co-parenting is till very different than parenting.. it probably breaks his heart. He is missing his child.. he is probably an amazing dad. He's only tear up between you and his child. It's not easy.. it's an extremely hard decision to make. I know it's not easy for you..but you have to think that it's even harder for him. I'm a parent and a divorced one at that...And there's a point where you have to think if I am that miserable, am I a good parent for my child? It is one thing if it is not so bad, but when one of the parents is miserable, the family is not healthy or happy...And dad is spending time away from the family unit with the OP... It is a hard decision...But it is one that must be made...Either stick it out in the M and end the A or end the M and be with the OP who you love...OW are not martyr's...Why should we place what we want, what we need under someone else's wants and needs? Life's full of tough choices and when a R ceases to meet the parties needs, changes must be made...And while I agree it's tough to leave a M when you have children, it's for the most part, an excuse...There's visitation and lenient visitation for dad's now...It's not like it was years ago...And like I said, Dad's end up seeing their kids more when they're D than they do when M...Unless they're deadbeats and just take off...He doesn't sound that way anyway... And it's been 4 years, not 4 months, 4 years...That's a long time...
Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 Since she knows about you, it is a competition...And since he is unsure, she's using that to her advantage... (((HUGS))) Gel, he says since he been back home they havent really talked about it. They avoid the topic, like it didnt occur. They small talk about kids, he is a pretty quite person. I know I could not keep my mouth shut like it never happened. Thats how they deal with issues, I am the opposite
Lizzie60 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I'm a parent and a divorced one at that...And there's a point where you have to think if I am that miserable, am I a good parent for my child? It is one thing if it is not so bad, but when one of the parents is miserable, the family is not healthy or happy...And dad is spending time away from the family unit with the OP... It is a hard decision...But it is one that must be made...Either stick it out in the M and end the A or end the M and be with the OP who you love...OW are not martyr's...Why should we place what we want, what we need under someone else's wants and needs? Life's full of tough choices and when a R ceases to meet the parties needs, changes must be made...And while I agree it's tough to leave a M when you have children, it's for the most part, an excuse...There's visitation and lenient visitation for dad's now...It's not like it was years ago...And like I said, Dad's end up seeing their kids more when they're D than they do when M...Unless they're deadbeats and just take off...He doesn't sound that way anyway... And it's been 4 years, not 4 months, 4 years...That's a long time... I agree that when one parent is miserable and unhappy like a rock, it could be better for the kids to be seeing two separated happy parents.. but I think that in most cases, kids are not aware that parents are unhappy, I'm sure most parents do not have discussions about their sex lives and other issues in front of their kids... well, I hope not.. anyway.. my father was an alcoholic and a cheater, a complete a$$ hole with us... he was extremely mean to us kids... BUT I was traumatized when they were fighting and when my mother would threaten him to leave... I was very insecure about our future with just my mother .. eventhough I hated him.. I wanted both my parents to be together. I sincerely think that MOST if not ALL children would rather have both their parents together eventhough it's not the perfect 'life' for them... Children are very insecure and, yes.. selfish but it's normal.. they are completely dependent on their parents. So I feel for children of divorce and parents who are faced with such a terrible decision.
Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 I agree that people can coparent.. but in a parent's mind it's always about the child.. will he be unhappy? of course he will (except in cases of abuse) kids with good parents are devastated.. you cannot deny that.. Co-parenting is till very different than parenting.. it probably breaks his heart. He is missing his child.. he is probably an amazing dad. He's only tear up between you and his child. It's not easy.. it's an extremely hard decision to make. I know it's not easy for you..but you have to think that it's even harder for him. Your right Lizzie, he is an amazing dad! He says its like choosing between his children or me. our children grow up, they leave and have thier own liife to live. Then what? Your old, and your stuck with someone you have nothing in common with, your probable hate them cause you stuck it out. I see these types of couplke all the time. they sit at restarants staring in different directions, they co exsist. We want to teach our children to be happy , follow their dreams, how can we teach that, living our life this way?
Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 I agree that when one parent is miserable and unhappy like a rock, it could be better for the kids to be seeing two separated happy parents.. but I think that in most cases, kids are not aware that parents are unhappy, I'm sure most parents do not have discussions about their sex lives and other issues in front of their kids... well, I hope not.. anyway.. my father was an alcoholic and a cheater, a complete a$$ hole with us... he was extremely mean to us kids... BUT I was traumatized when they were fighting and when my mother would threaten him to leave... I was very insecure about our future with just my mother .. eventhough I hated him.. I wanted both my parents to be together. I sincerely think that MOST if not ALL children would rather have both their parents together eventhough it's not the perfect 'life' for them... Children are very insecure and, yes.. selfish but it's normal.. they are completely dependent on their parents. So I feel for children of divorce and parents who are faced with such a terrible decision. Lizzie, they dont fight, if they fight they could at least make up!! There is no yelling, no arguing, small talk about kids, no love , no affection. just wierd, like living with a roommate. Children would not know somthing is not wrong, just Dads not there all day, And they dont see any love between mom and Dad
Lizzie60 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Your right Lizzie, he is an amazing dad! He says its like choosing between his children or me. our children grow up, they leave and have thier own liife to live. Then what? Your old, and your stuck with someone you have nothing in common with, your probable hate them cause you stuck it out. I see these types of couplke all the time. they sit at restarants staring in different directions, they co exsist. We want to teach our children to be happy , follow their dreams, how can we teach that, living our life this way? Yes, I know it's not easy... but I think that as a parent, it's the worst decision... do you choose YOUR happiness or YOUR children's happiness... it's hard... It,s true what you say about couple co-existing... I've seen that a lot on my holidays... this year... Older couples sitting at a table, not even talking to each other for the whole meal, just 'people-watching'... they looked soooo bored together.. it was kind of pathetic...
Lizzie60 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Lizzie, they dont fight, if they fight they could at least make up!! There is no yelling, no arguing, small talk about kids, no love , no affection. just wierd, like living with a roommate. Children would not know somthing is not wrong, just Dads not there all day, And they dont see any love between mom and Dad A lot of children don't see love between mom and dad.. but if you ask them whether they'd want their parents to separate in order for the mom and dad to be happier... what do you think the children would say?
Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 A lot of children don't see love between mom and dad.. but if you ask them whether they'd want their parents to separate in order for the mom and dad to be happier... what do you think the children would say?True, but its such a waste of ones own life, and children CAN be happy if they have quality time with both parents, I think they get more attention that way anyway. My parents were divorced, and it was cool to have two households. Its not the quaniety its the quality time spent.
Lizzie60 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 True, but its such a waste of ones own life, and children CAN be happy if they have quality time with both parents, I think they get more attention that way anyway. My parents were divorced, and it was cool to have two households. Its not the quaniety its the quality time spent. Yes you're right.. it is the quality but it's very traumatizing at first, until the kids get comfortable, etc... it's a hard period to get used to I suppose. My parents never divorced, they're still together, but I have to say my mother was a doormat... I wanted them to divorce when I was older, like in my 30s... before that.. no. I have experienced my first relationship with his 3 daughters who were sooo miserable to not have their father with them every night, suppertime, bedtime.. etc. They spent a lot of time with us at the beginning.. it was too hard on them to be away from him.. plus they were jealous of my own daughter who was living with him.. same with my second relationship... kids were not that happy because the mother went totally crazy ... she used them to punish him... it was terrible. For some kids, it could be better, but, IMO, in general, it's not.. Plus when the separated parents try to get into a new relationship, it's again hard on the children. A lot of new relationship do not pass the test with children.
Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 Yes you're right.. it is the quality but it's very traumatizing at first, until the kids get comfortable, etc... it's a hard period to get used to I suppose. My parents never divorced, they're still together, but I have to say my mother was a doormat... I wanted them to divorce when I was older, like in my 30s... before that.. no. I have experienced my first relationship with his 3 daughters who were sooo miserable to not have their father with them every night, suppertime, bedtime.. etc. They spent a lot of time with us at the beginning.. it was too hard on them to be away from him.. plus they were jealous of my own daughter who was living with him.. same with my second relationship... kids were not that happy because the mother went totally crazy ... she used them to punish him... it was terrible. For some kids, it could be better, but, IMO, in general, it's not.. Plus when the separated parents try to get into a new relationship, it's again hard on the children. A lot of new relationship do not pass the test with children. Lizzie, I gotta run, I am leaving town for a couple of days to get away, again;) But thank you for all your input and support, I will check back in tonight. Any more advice, i would love to hear from you! Thanks again Lizzie
GreenEyedLady Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 A lot of children don't see love between mom and dad.. but if you ask them whether they'd want their parents to separate in order for the mom and dad to be happier... what do you think the children would say? Of course children wouldn't want their parents to get divorced, but since when do adults let children make adult decisions? It depends on how it's presented and how everyone's life is affected... If one of the partners is going around saying their life is ruined, they hate the XP, or if the children are thrown into a world of poverty, or abandoned by the parent, then they will be traumatized...If their life is relatively stable, with them able to have a R with both parents on a regular basis, without feeling like they are choosing one over the other, they'll be hurt, but they'll get over it and adjust to their new reality...Kids are resilient...
Author Mino Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Of course children wouldn't want their parents to get divorced, but since when do adults let children make adult decisions? It depends on how it's presented and how everyone's life is affected... If one of the partners is going around saying their life is ruined, they hate the XP, or if the children are thrown into a world of poverty, or abandoned by the parent, then they will be traumatized...If their life is relatively stable, with them able to have a R with both parents on a regular basis, without feeling like they are choosing one over the other, they'll be hurt, but they'll get over it and adjust to their new reality...Kids are resilient... You are SOOOOOOOOOOOO right GEL!
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Are you for real?? Not everything is so cut and dry Barracuda. Who pissed in your wheaties today thbat your are so damn cold? Please spare me the theatrics. And if you want to get my gander, you piss in my kool-aid!!! Piss in my KOOL-AID!!!!!!! lol. Now that I've vented. Bottom line is, When he's with her he pines for you, she kicked him out and he went to you and when he's with you he pines for her. You kick him out and send him packing, Bottom line is your getting table scraps from a man. You are being a doormat and you make it that way. He's what they call a cake eater. Am I wrong??? Is what you wrote not the very truth? The only way to stop it is to stop it. Dont you want a single man with a clean slate and no baggage. Really do you want a man who so easily cheats on his wife, to easily cheat on you? Give me a break!
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