Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Hello everybody, its been awhile, I am back, just a quick update on my rollarcoater. I decided to leave for a month to get over MM, went far far ways. To make a long story short, my mm moves into my home while I am gone. I come home all excited, finally he made the move!! Life was perfect. We didnt hide us anymore, we went out, friend, co workers, evryone knew we were now officially living together. Even his wife knew he was living with me. Several weeks later, he has a break down, misses kids, this went on for two days. I felt so helpless, watching him suffer. He wanted to go home. It broke my heart, I cant believe this was happening. He didnt do anything but cry. Walk out, come back in , walk out, it was heartwrenching. I ended up calling his wife, he needed to go home. I was surprised she knew more than I thought. Anyway, the next day he left. I am devestated once again, I think I did the right thing, I dont know. I just felt their was no love there, or concern when specking to her. She even said he didnt want to be with her anymore. But there is a child. He called several days later, he tells me he misses me, he loves me, and he needs to move out and be on his own first, so this way he can overnight visits with child. He tells me he is staying in the guest room, they are not talking much. I miss him so much. I am tired. I really went away to get him out of my heart. why did he have to move in if he knew he couldnt stick with it. We talk everyday, I feel like I dont know what to do at this point anymore, Were going on 4 year. Should I just ignor him? which is almost impossible to do. my heart achs, I just miss him so much
White Flower Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Sorry to here about your pain, Mino. I don't think he knew that he couldn't stick with it. His intention was to do right by you but he didn't know how badly it would feel to be separated from his child. I don't know where you live, but is visitation not allowed when there is a girlfriend living with the separated father? Your MM obviously needs time to sort out his emotions. I know it hurts, but in then end he will probably return to you and appreciate you even more for understanding his need to do this his way. It really does sound like he loves you. Good luck, hon.
It_Hurts Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Thought I would reply to your thread as you asked questions on mine! I assume you are not continually talking about what he plans to do, wants to do, how he going to achieve it etc? If you are - STOP. Do not tell him you miss him, need to be with him and that you are sad and tired. I do not think you should ignore him or try to finish it, neither do I think you should try to move on. Be strong, be positive and show him just how great you are, talk about lots of other things that are happening in your life. If this isn't much DO SOMETHING, anything. Get on with your life and get busy. Married men are not any different to single men, they are all MEN. Read lots of books - most people say "The Rules" are rubbish and it is game playing - it isn't, it works and it gives you the confidence to let him be the hunter in the relationship and you to stop acting like his mother, helping him through life and fixing his problems. (Not that I am saying you do). If you want him to start falling all over you - be happy and start enjoying YOUR LIFE, he will want to be happy too and realise that will not happen unless he is with you. Good luck.
bentnotbroken Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 He still isn't sure he wants you. I is guilty about what he is doing and he should be. Stop talking to him and let him figure it out for himself, maybe he will man up and go home, or decide you're the one he wants, or find someone else different.
OpenBook Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 DO SOMETHING, anything. Get on with your life and get busy. Married men are not any different to single men, they are all MEN. Read lots of books - most people say "The Rules" are rubbish and it is game playing - it isn't, it works and it gives you the confidence to let him be the hunter in the relationship and you to stop acting like his mother, helping him through life and fixing his problems. (Not that I am saying you do). If you want him to start falling all over you - be happy and start enjoying YOUR LIFE, he will want to be happy too and realise that will not happen unless he is with you. I totally agree... although in your case, Mino, he's been "falling all over you" a little too much lately. And you're letting him. You're going right along with everything he does. He's jerking everyone around in his life - you, his W, his kid. Somebody stop him! The Rules are all about treating yourself well. I think you should start treating yourself like a sentient being. You are worth it!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Guilt is a powerful thing. Oftentimes stronger even than love. It sounds like he is having trouble severing the family ties and rearranging them. He wants to do what is "right" and he wants to be with you, too. Until he finds a balance, you will find yourself on this roller coaster for quite some time.
Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 Thank you everybody. you are all right. I am doing the wrong thing, the first few days I cried, then the next few days I pulled back, saing I would not see him till he has seperation papers in hand, then he made move towards me, I called him a coward, ouch that slipped out of of anger, then he has pulled back to not calling, of coarse, I am freakin out now, he says evrytime we talk he feels preasured by me. Then he didnt even send flowers for Vday, I am totally confused. The more zi am confused the harder I am on him with questions. I just cant take this flip flopping. I guess I have been pushing him away this week. I just want answers and a solution.
Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 LB, you are right, he has been in IC for 4 months already to deal with his guilt. He wants to make the move out of the house. He had no seperation agreement yet. So wife would not let him take the kids out of the house, he would see them only for a few hours. The right thing for all would have to get his own place, Then he wouldn't feel like he is on a timer with his children, cause he would have overnight visits. Money would be a problem I am sure to get a second place. Very expensive area, and he already has a big morgage. I told him I wouls help, but he doesnt want me to contribute finanicial, even though I would not have a problem with this at all.
Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 Sorry to here about your pain, Mino. I don't think he knew that he couldn't stick with it. His intention was to do right by you but he didn't know how badly it would feel to be separated from his child. I don't know where you live, but is visitation not allowed when there is a girlfriend living with the separated father? Your MM obviously needs time to sort out his emotions. I know it hurts, but in then end he will probably return to you and appreciate you even more for understanding his need to do this his way. It really does sound like he loves you. Good luck, hon. Thank you white Flower, it just hard to back away from someone you love with all your heart. the wife said i was not allowed contact with his children, which i do understand at this point. So he had to go home to see the kids, I personally think he should have gotten his own place first. I understand he needed space and that would have some the visitations. But this happened all so fast. Him moving in while I am gone for a month. He sounded great the first week. When he was alone at my place. I sugeested he gets his place and he can stay with me half the week. But apartment are very expensive and he has a pretty big morgage. With Alimony and child support he would reach about $8000 a month. An apartment would add another 2000. I told him i would help, we both make good money, but he reufuses my help finanicially.
Tomcat33 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Hi Mino long time no see! I am so sorry to read this and to see what pain you are in. I think LB is right on the money whe she said this: Guilt is a powerful thing. Oftentimes stronger even than love. It sounds like he is having trouble severing the family ties and rearranging them. He wants to do what is "right" and he wants to be with you, too guilt is very powerful indeed and you can't understand it perhaps from the oustide looking in because to the outsider it seems so simple, "you want out? well then just get out." I think if he could substitute you for his wife and stay right where he is this would be the ideal place for him. Clearly the relationship with his W is no longer desirable to him, but his familial unit is something that he sees as something not broken and therefore hard to let go of. Those are two seperate things. I think you need to give him space and let him move out on his own, bad choice to have him move with you in terms of letting him transition because he will only end up association the negative feelings he has of leaving his family behind to being in your house living with you. If you let him transition into his own space/place then you can be the escape from his lonely life but when you are the person accompanying him in the lonely setting he will also see you as part of the problem and your relationship does not need more Xs against it. I think he thought he could but then realised it was a lot harder, letting go is hard and to have children in the picture is very hard to let go of at first so will have to be extra patient. But it was good of you to understand him, that's what he needs is understanding on your part. He's made it clear it's not his W he has doubt about so you have to trust him and show him you are on board with him. It's hard MINO it's very hard when there are children involved are you sure you want to stick around for it? I know you love him but are you really really sure you want to take on the tast of having to pick him up from his depression and help him through the breakup? I know we do it for love but it is very hard. Who takes care of you in all this? {{{{{mino}}}}}}
GreenEyedLady Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 (((MINO))) Personally, if my honey went back, that would be the end for me...I understand about the missing his child, but come on, there's a time when a man needs to step up and be a man...Make a decision and stick with it...If he would feel better with a separation agreement, then he needs to get a separation agreement... I feel that if you pretend everything is fine, you are setting up the revolving door syndrome: DON'T STAND FOR THAT! It seems like he didn't really think about what everything would mean, and he's not ready to do it...If you want to keep waiting, that's up to you...But this roller coaster will be even more dragged out... It seems like he is trying to show you, look I will do it, and then you'll see he's miserable and he'll go back with your blessing...If you want to be the OW forever, then don't do anything...If you want to be his life long partner, then show him what's he's choosing... He stays with his W, drags everything out, you are gone...If he can live with that, he doesn't deserve you anyway...He can't live with that, then he'll do what's necessary... Sometimes M just don't work out...If he can't get over the guilt then that will follow the both of you to your R and poison it... Good luck, my friend...You are in my thoughts... (((STRENGTH)))
Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 Thank you Tomcat and Gel, I always love your advice,
norajane Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 He sounds very conflicted, and since it's taken him 4 years of having an affair to finally get to the point where he's even been able to make a move, I think you have to expect that he's not capable of a clean break all at once. He doesn't strike me as a decisive man, nor the kind who is good at making a plan and following through on it step by step. What that means for you is that you can expect more of this back and forth, back and forth for a long time. Even though it will be expensive, he does need to find a way to live on his own and essentially "find himself" again and work through the process of letting go of his marriage. He needs to see that it is possible to have a relationship with his children without being in the same house as his wife. And, frankly, it sounds like he needs to believe he can stand on his own two feet without a woman propping him up. You've been relatively patient with him for 4 years. Ask yourself why you're feeling this sense of urgency now, now when you see he's finally making a move of some kind. You know what kind of man he is, so it shouldn't be too hard for you to understand that he's not suddenly going to turn into Mr. Decisive...he's just being the man he's always been and will be as he clears through all the confusion and conflicting feelings he has. Be prepared for more of the same for a while.
Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 should I give him a deadline on when to be in an apartment? This is really mess up.... He had no plans, nothing, he just got up one morning and packed up his s**T and moved to my house. He always said he will do it this way. I didnt believe he would. But I knew it would be stupid, with no plan. I think he is now even more depressed cause he failed. to scared to move. I dont know, he doesnt even want to talk about apartment in the last few days, he keeps saying he has some things to sort out first. I dont know if I am coming or going.....
Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 He sounds very conflicted, and since it's taken him 4 years of having an affair to finally get to the point where he's even been able to make a move, I think you have to expect that he's not capable of a clean break all at once. He doesn't strike me as a decisive man, nor the kind who is good at making a plan and following through on it step by step. What that means for you is that you can expect more of this back and forth, back and forth for a long time. Even though it will be expensive, he does need to find a way to live on his own and essentially "find himself" again and work through the process of letting go of his marriage. He needs to see that it is possible to have a relationship with his children without being in the same house as his wife. And, frankly, it sounds like he needs to believe he can stand on his own two feet without a woman propping him up. You've been relatively patient with him for 4 years. Ask yourself why you're feeling this sense of urgency now, now when you see he's finally making a move of some kind. You know what kind of man he is, so it shouldn't be too hard for you to understand that he's not suddenly going to turn into Mr. Decisive...he's just being the man he's always been and will be as he clears through all the confusion and conflicting feelings he has. Be prepared for more of the same for a while. Thank you Norajane. Your right, he had no plan. He is not a person who like any conflict, he hates to talk about uncombtable things. I guess that is why his marriage broke down, because I think she is pretty much the same. Both masters at sweeping things under the carpet. Not me, I like to talk, find solutions, Yes patience, I didnt know I had so much. The years just went flying by, deadline after deadline not met, breakups.... makeups, new plans, enough to make your head spin. He tell me he does everything in steps. Hmmmm, how many more steps are there?, I need to know. This is the second time he has moved in and then back out. He did last twice as long this time, and he actually told other people about the move in with me, including his w and parents, and friends, so he had a bit more courage this time. I really thought he was fine this time....
norajane Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I really thought he was fine this time.... See, that's the crux of it. You are expecting him to be someone now that he has never shown evidence of being. If he's been a conflict avoiding indecisive man all along, he will continue to be that man. So you have to adjust your expectations accordingly since you love him and want him despite him always having been that way.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Hello everybody, its been awhile, I am back, just a quick update on my rollarcoater. I decided to leave for a month to get over MM, went far far ways. To make a long story short, my mm moves into my home while I am gone. I come home all excited, finally he made the move!! Life was perfect. We didnt hide us anymore, we went out, friend, co workers, evryone knew we were now officially living together. Even his wife knew he was living with me. Several weeks later, he has a break down, misses kids, this went on for two days. I felt so helpless, watching him suffer. He wanted to go home. It broke my heart, I cant believe this was happening. He didnt do anything but cry. Walk out, come back in , walk out, it was heartwrenching. I ended up calling his wife, he needed to go home. I was surprised she knew more than I thought. Anyway, the next day he left. I am devestated once again, I think I did the right thing, I dont know. I just felt their was no love there, or concern when specking to her. She even said he didnt want to be with her anymore. But there is a child. He called several days later, he tells me he misses me, he loves me, and he needs to move out and be on his own first, so this way he can overnight visits with child. He tells me he is staying in the guest room, they are not talking much. I miss him so much. I am tired. I really went away to get him out of my heart. why did he have to move in if he knew he couldnt stick with it. We talk everyday, I feel like I dont know what to do at this point anymore, Were going on 4 year. Should I just ignor him? which is almost impossible to do. my heart achs, I just miss him so much Why dont you just tattoo "DOORMAT" over your damn forehead! He's married and went back to his wife and your still pining for this guy, Grow Up!!!
Lizzie60 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Hum.. I say give him some time and space.. do NOT give him ultimatums.. I wouldn't want to be a man cause I know I couldn't live without my children close to me... It must be terrible for MM to be separated from their kids... He is very mixed up for now.. just back off and be strong.. support him and he will eventually put his life back in order.. he is just too overwhelmed by his emotions right now.
Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 Why dont you just tattoo "DOORMAT" over your damn forehead! He's married and went back to his wife and your still pining for this guy, Grow Up!!! Are you for real?? Not everything is so cut and dry Barracuda. Who pissed in your wheaties today thbat your are so damn cold?
Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 Hum.. I say give him some time and space.. do NOT give him ultimatums.. I wouldn't want to be a man cause I know I couldn't live without my children close to me... It must be terrible for MM to be separated from their kids... He is very mixed up for now.. just back off and be strong.. support him and he will eventually put his life back in order.. he is just too overwhelmed by his emotions right now. Thanks Lizzie for your advice. I know its tough when there are children, but people can coparent successfully, you dont have to sacrifice yourself in a marriage that is dead. We live all in the same city 10 min apart
GreenEyedLady Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Thanks Lizzie for your advice. I know its tough when there are children, but people can coparent successfully, you dont have to sacrifice yourself in a marriage that is dead. We live all in the same city 10 min apart Good girl! You're thinking! You'll have to be strong, but you guys can make it through this...He has to be strong for you now... You're exactly right that children grow up fine being co-parented...In fact, kids usually end up seeing their father more when they D...
GreenEyedLady Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 should I give him a deadline on when to be in an apartment? This is really mess up.... He had no plans, nothing, he just got up one morning and packed up his s**T and moved to my house. He always said he will do it this way. I didnt believe he would. But I knew it would be stupid, with no plan. I think he is now even more depressed cause he failed. to scared to move. I dont know, he doesnt even want to talk about apartment in the last few days, he keeps saying he has some things to sort out first. I dont know if I am coming or going..... First off, maybe he needs some anti-d's if he's that depressed...He also needs to be working out because that helps fight the stress and depression...And reassure him that this will pass...All the sacrifices will pay off...You just have to get through the hard part first... If he needs help, help him make a plan...Make him see that's it's doable and can be mutually rewarding...Why doesn't he want to move in with you? He could do overnight visitations other than your place...Until you both can get a place of your own together... You need to know what he needs to sort out...If you guys are a couple, then you both need to communicate your feelings...Try not to give him too much advice, but when he asks, tell him what you think... I would get him to give me a time frame...And then you'll see what he's doing to move towards it...If he's not walking the walk, you'll know... I probably have different ideas about this than others, but I'm going through it right now, too...I'm further through it than you, but I know how it feels to be on that roller coaster...Thankfully, my honey has 2 speeds, super-slow and super-fast so the roller coaster didn't last too long and we are blissfully happy right now and he moved in with me and we're moving to our own place next weekend... Don't be discouraged and don't sacrifice yourself or your needs while he's getting his **** together...You're the prize, not the other way around... Don't let him make you feel otherwise... GEL
Author Mino Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 Good girl! You're thinking! You'll have to be strong, but you guys can make it through this...He has to be strong for you now... You're exactly right that children grow up fine being co-parented...In fact, kids usually end up seeing their father more when they D... Gel, I have the answers for many solutions, they make logical sense to me. I told him we we give her the 8000 a month, he can file for joint custody. I dont get his Wife. She know where he is everyday, She told me she knew about our vacations together.... So I asked her "how do you deal with our A, and she says , she just does.... no biggie, Very cold. There is a big age difference between them, I wonder if she see him like her father, suggar daddy... cause she didn't come across like she cared. Sad. But his guilt, I can talk myself blue in the face, he agrees, but I dont think he gets it, or I have made it to easy not to make a move.
Lizzie60 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Thanks Lizzie for your advice. I know its tough when there are children, but people can coparent successfully, you dont have to sacrifice yourself in a marriage that is dead. We live all in the same city 10 min apart I agree that people can coparent.. but in a parent's mind it's always about the child.. will he be unhappy? of course he will (except in cases of abuse) kids with good parents are devastated.. you cannot deny that.. Co-parenting is till very different than parenting.. it probably breaks his heart. He is missing his child.. he is probably an amazing dad. He's only tear up between you and his child. It's not easy.. it's an extremely hard decision to make. I know it's not easy for you..but you have to think that it's even harder for him.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I told him we we give her the 8000 a month, he can file for joint custody. I dont get his Wife. She know where he is everyday, She told me she knew about our vacations together.... So I asked her "how do you deal with our A, and she says , she just does.... no biggie, Very cold. Since she knows about you, it is a competition...And since he is unsure, she's using that to her advantage... (((HUGS)))
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