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Is It Harder To Be The One That Decides To Let Go Or ToBe The One Who Has To Let Go?

PrincessBOT

By PrincessBOT
in Coping

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PrincessBOT Established Member

PrincessBOT

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I was just thinking today about how hard it is to not contact someone that decided to end a relationship. It gets easier with time, but once the urge to contact them goes away curiosity arises. Does that person ever think about me, does that person ever miss me; does that person ever think they made a mistake and want to come back?

 

I thought to myself when I am in love even after the honeymoon stage even through the arguments a person would have to do something really bad to me for me to decide to leave.

But for those that decide that they no longer want the person they love in their life is it harder for them then it is for the person that learns they are no longer wanted.

 

Is it harder to make the decision and face the unknown with the possibility of realizing that you made the wrong decision and can't change it? On the other hand, is it harder to be the one to find out that you are being left and have to move on into the unknown not knowing if you will ever find what you had again?

 

Is it harder to be the one to decide to let go or is it harder to be the one that has to let go?

sedgwick Established Member

sedgwick

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I think it's much harder to be the one let go. I've never gone through a breakup that hurt this much.

g1976b Member

g1976b

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It's not even close. It hurts WAY more to be left as the dumpee. You have no control over the situation. No recourse. Nothing but regret and second guessing yourself. Ultimately the one who dumps still can try to set things right and try again. Being the one who is dumped, you have NOTHING within your realm of control to fix the situation.

 

At least where I am right now, I know there is nothing I can say or do "right now" to change anything. THAT, sucks worse than anything.

MakeLemonade Established Member

MakeLemonade

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I have been on both sides of the equation and yes, being the one to let go, is MUCH easier than letting go when you have no choice. Funny how having no choice makes it harder than when you have a (at least perceived) choice.

 

A somewhat decent analogy may be that it's like when someone you love is dying, it is easier when you know it, you have an opportunity to work through your grief ahead of time and say goodbye properly vs. someone dying suddenly or tragically. You think of all the things you wish you had done or said, kicking yourself in the rear at times. Regrets. They are a beyotch.

FooledOnce Member

FooledOnce

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Not to mention the dumpee has the whole rejection feeling. Like "The person who knew me best in the whole world decided that I wasn't good enough."

Peter_pan Established Member

Peter_pan

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very good question. well i know i am finding it hard being the one that was rejected.

 

problem is we both decided to call it off and be friends but we still lived together and still did things a couple do cough cough*

 

but ultimately i wanted her back and she had moved on and found someone new. so who is the dumpee? because i think she found it easier on herself to know we both decided it, but then at the end of the day she didn't want me back so what does this mean for me?

 

its not like she dumped me for him. which is a reason she said she didnt want to tell me. incase i thought he was the reason we broke up. its as if she has slipped out of this one easily.

ibitealil Established Member

ibitealil

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I am the dumper ..but my reason was cuz he didnt love me...he admitted he didnt love me but he didnt want to break up and was asking me to work on what we have..i said no...but he grieved only for a month like that and found another one...i still feel like **** after 5 months..not because i miss him but because i keep questioning myself "what is it in me that i dont deserve to be loved"..really kills my ego system :-( so u tell me the answer who is it harder on!!!!

norajane Established Member

norajane

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Dumper or dumpee, I think the pain depends on why the break up happened.

 

Someone who ends the relationship because s/he's not happy anymore and is not in love will have a much easier time than the dumpee in that case who is still in love with the dumper.

 

Someone who ends the relationship because their partner is treating them badly, is distant, is texting other people, etc. but is still very much in love with the dumpee will have more pain than the dumpee who wasn't all that into them anyway.

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PrincessBOT Established Member

PrincessBOT

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Posted (edited)

Everything so far makes a lot of sense. I definitely agree without a doubt that it is harder for the person that is dumped when the dumper doesn’t love or care anymore and just wants the dumpee out of their life. In this case the dumper most likely feels relief not longing or loss.

 

I guess I was thinking in terms of two people being in a relationship, but one person although they care deeply about the other person, doesn’t feel the relationship is right for whatever reason. This person does not want to be in a relationship, but doesn't want the person out of their life forever.

 

I believe that some people love another person, but realize that they can't or don't love the other person the way that they should love someone who they are committed to. However, they love them as a friend or as family and the loss of the other person altogether causes them grief. So knowing that ending the relationship could cause the loss of the other person altogether, is it harder to be the one to end the relationship or is it harder to be the other person?

Edited by PrincessBOT
FlyByNite Member

FlyByNite

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What PrincessBOT is describing is what my ex said to me - i.e. he was leaving because he wasn't committed to me, that he didn't love me 'enough' to try to work on things. My response was that actually he couldn't love me at all if that was the way he felt, and I stand by that. I'm sorry if this isn't the answer you were looking for Princess, and I am fully aware that this may be my bitterness talking ;) and to be pulled up on that, but i think when dumpers say that they still care but that things aren;t right, what they really mean is that they want out, but are scared by it and want an avenue back to the person they are leaving. That's why, when the dumpee cuts them out of their life they are so upset, because the decision is taken away from them and they get scared because their safety net is gone, not because they actually love that person.

Miyamoto Established Member

Miyamoto

Posted
Posted (edited)
What PrincessBOT is describing is what my ex said to me - i.e. he was leaving because he wasn't committed to me, that he didn't love me 'enough' to try to work on things. My response was that actually he couldn't love me at all if that was the way he felt, and I stand by that. I'm sorry if this isn't the answer you were looking for Princess, and I am fully aware that this may be my bitterness talking ;) and to be pulled up on that, but i think when dumpers say that they still care but that things aren;t right, what they really mean is that they want out, but are scared by it and want an avenue back to the person they are leaving. That's why, when the dumpee cuts them out of their life they are so upset, because the decision is taken away from them and they get scared because their safety net is gone, not because they actually love that person.

 

I hate to disagree, but I was the dumper, and I'm not that cold. I don't do safety nets either. Been alone my whole life, not scared to go there again. I take that back. I am scared, but I can control that fear and do what I have to do despite it.

 

I broke mine off because my spider-sense was just telling me this wasn't right. And looking back on it, she did some weird stuff that might have even pointed up to her seeing another guy. Even if not, she was hiding something from me and that's enough. Couldn't ask her about it cuz she had a HUGE problem answering ?ions directly.

 

I loved her and I freakin feel like I'm the one who got dumped. But I don't want any avenue back cuz I'm not calling her. I just wanna heal. This is just as hard.

Edited by Miyamoto
FlyByNite Member

FlyByNite

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Hi Miyamoto

 

Disagreement is cool - it's interesting to see it from another perspective. Hope you don't mind continuing the debate :). It seems to me that you broke your relationship off for reasons other than those I am describing - i.e. she was hiding something from you, and that was the thing that wasn't right. In my case, and what I suppose I was assuming that PrincessBOT was referring to, is where there is no 'reason' other than the dumper has simply grown away from you, or fallen out of love with you. I don't mean to say that the dumper doesn't hurt, but would suggest that the dumpee in situations like mine, where no one has done anything 'wrong' - or in any case has not been told what that is - is left with many more questions and confusion, and consequent devastation. If you are right and your ex was hiding something/seeing someone else, then I suspect that even though you left her, you are the one hurting most, because you are the one who feels betrayed.

Miyamoto Established Member

Miyamoto

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At the point when I broke it off, I had no proof and I wasn't even thinking about infidelity or whatever. No one had done anything wrong at that point, and I still don't have any proof. I broke it strictly off the feeling in my gut that something wasn't right.

 

It's only now, looking back at the circumstantial evidence, that I put these things together.

 

So you decide whether my case applies and whether it helps you...all I know is I'm hurtin too. But I'm cleanin up and goin out tonight!!

FlyByNite Member

FlyByNite

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Hey Miyamoto - I guess each situation is different then - its always difficult to generalise. I don't think my ex thinks the way you do and stand by my comments in relation to him, but see that things were/are different for you. No offence meant, and I hope none taken. I hope you have a good night out :)

Miyamoto Established Member

Miyamoto

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I actually want to come to England...i heard your dance clubs are just insane...

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