DaisyBelle Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted elsewhere, but thought I'd try here, too. I dated a great guy for about a year and a half: half the time we lived in the same state, but then he moved and we did the distance thing. We both felt it was our best relationship ever. (We're both 36.) He strongly hinted he wanted me to follow him to Colorado, but never directly asked. I was afraid to give up my job and comfort zone, but more importantly, I was scared of being too reliant on him there and scared of leaving behind all I knew to be with him. In the midst of all this, he got notice in April 2007 that his reserve unit was headed for Iraq. I had a really hard time with that and told him I just couldn’t stand the pain of being apart anymore. So we pretty much called it quits in May 2007, but remained friends. We last saw each other right before he left for Iraq, in August 2007. We've kept in touch during his deployment. I knew he was still in love with me, yet I kept reminding myself that I had to be practical and move on without him. I was trying to spare myself the pain, I guess, by focusing on moving forward. I joined all sorts of exercise groups and it pains me to say I tried talking to him less and even going out on dates in efforts to move on. (I knew he had dated after we had broken things off in May 2007, but we didn’t really talk about them too directly.) Whenever we talked or wrote, his personality seemed...off, depressed, not his usual self. December 2007: we talked and both admitted we still love each other. Then January 2008: via IM, we both acknowledged we still love and miss each other. He sounded painfully lonely. I thought about that chat for a few weeks and realized that after months of trying to move forward without him, I miss him uncontrollably and I regret not continuing the relationship. After much thinking for a few weeks, I finally worked up the nerve to tell him I want to try to make things work. So in February, we were online again and before I even got to tell him all of this, he told me he met someone in Hawaii, just before deploying and that they’re going to try dating again when he returns there in April (he finishes out his tour in Hawaii from April to July 2008). They dated for about a month in August 2007, after which he told her he didn’t want a relationship while in Iraq. Apparently, though, they started talking again after Christmas 2007 and are now planning on being “roommates” when he returns to Hawaii to “see where things go.” He then plans on returning to Colorado. When I asked if he loved her, he said yes, which shocked me, because he's not one to fall easily. But then he backstepped and said he didn't know her well enough yet to know what he didn't like about her, he wasn't pinning all his hopes on her, but it was something he wanted to pursue. He said he didn't know if she would ever be interested in moving to Colorado, which is where he ultimately wants to be. At the same time, he did tell me that he still loves me. I don't know if he's just insanely lonely there and has given up on me, or if he really feels this strongly about this person he doesn't really know or what. He just doesn't even sound like the person I know, either emotionally or even voice-wise. I’m just devastated. I’m torn: Do I tell him my feelings? Or should I just let him move forward with his new girlfriend? Part of me wants to reveal my feelings to him in an effort to reconcile, yet another part of me tells me it’s too late. Please help. Thanks.
Seaman Staines Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Part of me wants to reveal my feelings to him in an effort to reconcile, yet another part of me tells me it’s too late. Well, you have nothing to lose. Tell him. Tell him that I miss him uncontrollably and I regret not continuing the relationship. Fight for him. Right now, he's thinking he should try with Miss Hawaii because you are his fall-back option. Try and squeeze yourself into the #1 spot.
sally4sara Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I don't know....I mean you say things were great but when it got difficult you couldn't stick it out. As great as you thought it was, you couldn't find it in you to make it work. Yes he will be back and the distance issue will be gone, but all relationships have times of difficulty. Is it in you to work through what might come? He has found someone new and she has yet to show her character. She might be fabulous for him. You aren't seeing this as you trying to lift someone else's BF because you think of him as your's. He isn't yours. It got hard and you didn't think of the relationship. You thought of yourself. You are still thinking of yourself. He said he is into her and they are planning to live together and see how it goes. THEY have plans together and you are just thinking he was yours first.
Peter_pan Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 i think the best thing to do is wish him all the best and then have NC. Because at the end of the day you cannot control what he has done you can only hope that the future works out in your favor and by then you would have probably moved on anyway and will think hmm... i actually DONT NEED him back. there is someone better out there for you
s_n_d Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 I agree with Peter_pan. You need to let it be for now. If your ex wants you that bad, HE will try to get you back. I know its hard but you HAVE to do this.
Author DaisyBelle Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Thanks, everyone. Well, Sally4sara, that's the tricky thing: I don't think of him as mine anymore. I recognize that he is with someone else, which is what held me back from telling him my true feelings in the first place. And the distance issue won't be gone when he comes back. He'll still be in Colorado, and I'll still be in DC. This reason for the break up was mainly because I didn't know if I should give up my life in DC and follow him and he didn't have the heart to directly ask me to go with him, for fear of rejection (he has since admitted). And yes, I have let it be. I have wished them well and gone NC with him, as of last week when he told me. But for some reason, he has been trying to contact me. I've ignored it, but am wondering what he wants to say and if I should just talk to him?
Peter_pan Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 if it was desperate like he wants you. he would leave voice mail or txt.
Author DaisyBelle Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 He has left a vm (he can't text bc he doesn't have a cell phone in Iraq). He also knows that if I'm frustrated to leave me alone, so during our relationship, if I was frustrated with something, I would tell him to back off for a bit to let me collect my thoughts. So he has never pushed me to contact him, he usu. let me come back after I had cooled off.
Author DaisyBelle Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 I cannot stop crying. I know you all advised against it, but I did send him a letter explaining my feelings (and that they had arisen prior to his telling me that he was dating someone for a month). He was pretty shocked, actually. He wrote me back, outlining all sorts of happy moments from our relationship and saying that he always wanted me back in his life after he moved away. Then he went on to say that he had to do one of the hardest things in his life and told me he was committed to someone else, namely this woman he's been dating for two months (one month in person, one month long distance since he's in Iraq). OK, fine. I understand that. We're done. But then what confused me was the part after that, where he said he misses me terribly, is in great pain, regrets that he didn't wait for me and didn't try harder with us. Then he said he was confused and needed time to think. I haven't contacted him since then. I'm in so much pain. It's like he didn't completely close the door, yet he didn't open it either. Someone please tell me something, I'm so lost and hurt.
Joebo Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 (edited) Hey Daisy, It sounds to me like he doesn't realy know what he wants at the minute. He definitely sounds confused anyway. Although, its not really fair on you to say that its over and then lay all the rest of that on you. He will have to decide whether its over or not instead of keeping you hanging on. Two months is not a great deal of time to get to know someone either and it could just be the first flush of romance. However, he is with her just now and you don't really have any power to affect that situation. Its not nice to be told to wait which is effectively what he's telling you to do (I need time to think). You don't really seem to have many options here I'm afraid. He has said that he needs time to think so just go NC for a while and let him have the time that he needs. Sit tight for now. He will find his way back to you if its right for him. If not, at least you don't need to go through the pain of constantly being in touch with him. Time will tell. Take care... Edited February 21, 2008 by Joebo
Recommended Posts