Ok Diving in after lurking for a few weeks:)

[planeweird]

Hello everyone.

 

I've garnered a lot of useful information and insights from these forums. Thanks.

 

I think I would just like to tell my own story and hope for some feedback if you dont mind.

 

I'll condense as much as possible.

I'm now 36 and she's 26. We dated for five years. I know there is a significant difference in our ages but aside from life experience differences(which have now become quite telling)we have been Very compatible. Anyway, about 1 1/2 yr into the relationship she met a casual friend of mine and got a crush. I wasn't concerned for a long time but saw that she was starting to get "sneaky" and before she had the chance to start lying about things or denying, I told her to go figure it out(It was all more heated and emotional than I make it seem). She did, immediately regretted it and asked me for another chance. I gave it, but there was lingering attraction between them that took months to go work itself out. It took months but I finally got angry about it all and broke up with her because I didn't know if I wanted to invest any more into someone that obviously didn't know what she wanted(age? probably). She was RELENTLESSLY persistent for six months during which time, I told her to back off as it wasn't attractive. We got back together and were really happy for the next 2 yrs. This past year things took a down turn. Neither of us have been happy, and we got into a serious rut. She has mild depression and lack of focus(nothing she is passionate about) and I had gotten too serious and worried about making money and rehabbing a couple of homes. I also put a lot of pressure and responsibility on her that maybe wasn't hers to carry. I actually tried to talk about these things on several occasions, and was thinking of ending it, but in the end decided to be patient and thought that these were merely temporary things. That we would go back to having fun. And by the way, she is the type that always gave me little cards and presents to show her love and I tended to show my love through getting things done and just taking care of her as best I could(VERY different styles).

So......I'm a pilot and went out of town after the new year and while on the road she told me she was moving out. I found out that she had run into the old/new guy again and it sparked her to make this choice. They are spending time but she is also spending time with another guy too. She's suddenly a completely different person and is staying out all night and clubbing and just pushing herself to the limits. She was finding reasons to contact me daily but it was all rather casual until I told her I needed to not speak with her. She then ramped up the contact for the next several days via phone, text, email, etc, telling me how much she was missing me and how wonderful our relationship was and just so many positive things It actually got me to drop my guard a bit. In fact, when I got back in town on Monday she called me excited and flirtatious and invited herself to meet me for a drink. But when she got there she was rather tense and made no eye contact. Very odd body language. She left and I sent a message saying that she looked good and it was nice seeing her even though we were both a bit uncomfortable. She replied that I looked absolutely beautiful and it was good to see me too. But she went to spend time with the new boy. I sent her a message stating that if she wanted to she could come over later and share time(told her it wasnt about sex just to hang out). She responded that she wasnt going to do that because it wasnt smart right now. I replied that it was my mistake to ask and she said it's not a mistake but not smart right now(by the way, all her messages end with "not right now"). The next day she sends me a few messages saying that it was just a moment and we'll probably have more of them but it couldn't tempt us because of the break up. She says that I read too much into all her open feelings and all the contact. I don't think so at all but....

She then said that yes we did have an amazing relationship and that we are really good together and that I'm a true dream to be with and be around but something is missing for her. That she fell out of love with me and doesn't know why. I know why, our lifestyle had turned to crap. We both stopped taking care of each other, but that's no reason to bail on a really good thing in my opinion.

So now I'm left wanting her back, but feeling as though I need NC. She's obviously "enjoying" herself right now and is holding back any feelings of loss or regret by distracting herself with new places and people and new "feelings" for another guy. That sucks for me because I honestly think that she IS making a mistake. We really were so good together.

 

Ok....let me have it. LOL!

[BrianG]

I know it sucks, but this girl is confused on what she wants if she keeps going back and forth with you and someone else. You have to look out for yourself. It is obviously bothering you if you decided to start a thread. You deserve someone that will be committed to you and only you. She has said she missed you, blah blah. But look at her actions, have they shown you anything? From what you have said she has shown you a lot. I know you care for her, etc. but look out for yourself and go NC. This relationship has obviously taken its toll on you.

That is my advice.

[planeweird]

Thanks. I know you're right but damn it's hard when I look at it and know that the solutions are pretty straightforward and attainable. But I know I can't tell her this, and that it's something she has to discover on her own. And truth be told, I'm starting to think that she won't come to the same conclusion. She just sent me a message in response to one of mine sent earlier. It's said, "You're amazing. Thank you for everything you've taught me and exposed me to. Some Lady is going to be very very lucky."

It hurts so much to hear that, but she's definitely trying to tell me it's over. I just don't get how she's making such firm statements when just several days ago she was chatting me up and being so open and flirtatious. I'm a fairly intuitive person usually but with this, I'm acting like a complete moron.

[older_no_wiser]

You sound like somebody who has the maturity and wisdom to have good understanding of what a relationship is and what it might take to make one work. She sounds like somebody in a completely different place to you who has a fair journey ahead of her to ever reach the place that you are already at.

 

It sounds to me as though she is making up for some of the time she might feel she lost by being in a grown up relationship with you, when she must have been quite young. She obviously did care about you though and the lack of depth in the situation with these newer relationships will remind her of all of the plus points to her time with you. That will make her think of all the "if onlys" and by contacting you, she can have some echo of what she once had, even though - I feel - it is not really what she wants.

 

In my opinion in these situations, there is no going back. You need to begin to move forward with you life and to admit in your heart that this relationship is over. Do the NC thing out of kindness to yourself.

 

Best wishes,

 

Meg

[planeweird]

Meg,

 

Your words smack of truth and I know you're right. I'm just hurting like everyone else going through their own dramas. I've never wallowed in something like this before and I don't like it at all. I've been through some fairly messy situations and had developed a rather thick skin. Well, this Lady worked on that toughness for a long time and I trusted again. And then.......Blam!!!

She is a lot younger and I have even used the "grown up relationship" line before in our discussions. Thing is, although younger, she has almost always shown a much more grounded and "stable" desire from a relationship.

In the beginning I was cautious and wouldn't open up too much and told her that right now she thought I was the coolest thing but that it would change. I said I've already been there and you're just getting started. Just wait til the shine wears off. But she stuck to her guns and was solid and loving and never once (except for the brief fling/attraction 3yrs ago) showed any indication of wanting anything other than the life we were trying to build. In fact, I was the one that stayed out all night and socialized and partied when we first met. I toned down my lifestyle to

make a compromise for her more traditional views.

Well, that's certainly changed!!!! And even prior to the split, knowing that we were getting boring and bored with each other, I encouraged her to go do things even if I were on a trip. She was always very dependent on me and I wanted her to have her own life and know that she could do things without me. She ran with it so it seems.

I told her the other day that she is going to come full circle; that it's impossible to maintain the pace she is trying to keep and that eventually she will be longing for all of the things she is giving up now. She agreed whole-heartedly. I also acknowledged that I know my telling her this wouldnt change her view, but I just wanted her to try to keep some sense of perspective.

****!!!

[planeweird]

I ended up a a friends house last night for a small party and suddenly found myself in the midst of all these new people that my ex is hanging out with. She wasn't there thankfully, and I have a feeling someone called her to let her know I was there. It was a bit strange for me to say the least, and I actually found myself liking these people quite a bit.

I really was hoping they would all be losers so i wouldn't feel like she was in a better place, but they were actually cool.

This NC thing is going to be hard!! Especially since we have so many overlapping friends. I don't want to feel as though I have to give up sharing time with friends because she may or may not be around, but it's a difficult scenario.

[planeweird]

So I've been doing LC since last I posted here. I've only contacted my ex with regards to our two dogs, which we are having to find homes for now. I travel too much for them to get the care and love that they need. When together, it was easy because she was home to pick up the slack, but now that she's gone, I just can not afford to to hire someone to come take care of them. I'm almost as heart broken over the prospect of giving them up as I am about my split with the ex.

She acts like she cares about them and mentions that she almost starts crying when thinking about it but truthfully, I feel she has already written them off as well. She's just making a good show of it so not to look uncaring.

Anyway, I've been having good and bad days with regards to thinking about her and missing her. She is dating the other guy and living like a completely different person now. We met briefly yesterday to exchange a few items, and she was completely stressed out. Apparently she is now spending far beyond her means and is freaking out. The part of me that loves her and wants to protect her is really bothered by this. I want to "save" her but know I can't. Then the other part of me that's bitter and knows this is all a big mess, wants her to fall on her face and learn a good life lesson.

So, I ended up out with friends last night. One of them is her sister, who is like a sister to me as well. We didn't speak of the ex or break up most of the night, but it did come up briefly about her and the new guy. The part that nailed me straight in the chest is that the sister said she thinks the ex is already falling in love with him. That she gets all giddy when speaking of him and worries over what to wear for him and the like. Now, this is coming from a 21 yr old woman and they tend to romanticize, but I still can't help being bothered that this might be true. Falling in love with him after a month?!!! They did have the brief fling 3 yrs ago, but I don't get it.

I'm also having a birthday party this weekend and the ex was asking her sister if she should come as I just sent out a mass email to everyone I know about it. The sister told her she shouldn't go so I think that's settled, but why would she actually even consider going? I wouldn't if it were me. And again, the part of me that is hurt and angry wants her to see me having a GREAT time with friends and seemingly having not a care in the world.

Her behavior is killing me respect for her quickly, but I still have a very deep love for this foolish girl.

[planeweird]

I must either seem like I have it really together or I have one very boring story cause I ain't gettin' no love around here.

 

Well, except for Brian and Meg that is. Thanks guys. Maybe I'll spice it up a bit and really crank up the whining and self loathing. Could that get me some attention? I get none lately in my real life and now the same on the internet? WTF?!!

 

Seriously though. I got a 3 am booty call last night from a woman that has found me attractive for a while. She heard about the split and decided to act. I had several drinks and she was just around the corner from where I was, so I went over. We actually sat and talked for about 2 1/2 hrs. It was nice but I was seriously uncomfortable because I knew what the underlying agenda was. Hell, I went over there with that in mind. But...in the end, I just couldn't imagine being with someone else. Not right now. So I kindly expressed my appreciation for the attention and good conversation, but that I needed to get home.

 

What ever happened to the old saying, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new."? I'm getting older I guess. Who knew?

Edited February 21, 2008 by planeweird

[Ssheena]

Hello.

 

You are right at the beginning of the end of a relationship. I've seen other people write stuff along the same lines as you are and I'm sorry you are in this place.

 

The best thing I can suggest is to go completely no contact (NC). Do not invite her and I hope she would not come to your birthday party.

 

It bothers me that she doesn't care about the dogs. We they both of yours/shared or were they your dogs?

 

Here's what I see happening in the future:

a) she wants you back

b) one of you gets drunk and emails/calls the other one

c) one day one of you is going to act mean by saying or doing something they will regret.

 

She is 26 and has been in a relationship with you since she was 21. She doesn't know what she wants or how she feels or what she may or may not miss.

 

Don't make this about her. This is about you. This is when you get a chance to step back and see what is important to you. She is history and is going to know get to learn some more from life and she has made her choice that her life is now not with you.

 

I would suggest you take some time to grieve this ending and take even more time to figure out what you want next. The end of relationships is very hard and different for us all but I think we all go through being angry, being bitter, being sad and thinking no one will ever love us the way <fill in the blank> used to, thinking what is wrong with me, it's just no fun.

 

Take your time to read through other people's postings and keep posting.

 

Sorry that we have to meet in such a bad situation for you but welcome to the club aka Loveshack.

[planeweird]

Thanks Ssheena,

 

The dogs were ours together. We adopted them 3 yrs ago and they have brought us a lot of joy. I do know that for her they were stressful at times. For me also to be quite honest, but we have loved them.

She is now so caught up in her new life that she is completely stepping out of the responsibility for them though and that angers me. Help me find a home for them and do the right thing. That's all I ask. She pretends to care but I think it's her not wanting to come off as a bitch, frankly.

 

I know you're right about everything but I do love this woman and I AM grieving. I am thankful in one sense that"m becoming pissed off. It's easier to look at her bad behavior than it is to want to protect her.

 

They say never to fall in love with someone's potential, and I feel that's exactly what I did.

 

I'm frustrated and hurt and know she's making some mistakes right now. I don't want her to get hurt but I also want her to get a slap in face and realize that her life was actually pretty damned good. Does that make me a prick? I hope not, but it's true.

 

The ONLY thing that she couldn't have in a relationship with me was the freedom to screw other men. Other than that, she could do absolutely ANYTHING and with my full support. But maybe that's what she wanted ultimately. I'll never know will I?

 

I need to hone my intuition a bit I suppose.

[Ssheena]

I know you love her and it is, for me and others at least, impossible to go from loving to not loving someone in one day.

 

Your feelings are ones I have had, still do have, so if you are a prick, then I'm the female equivilant.

 

I love my dogs as well but man, oh man, do they stress me out. NEVER get two puppies at once, especially when it is late fall and the winters are cold.

 

Your intuition is fine, sometimes the rose colored glasses make things look better than they are.

 

It's really tough when you think that for the person who left the relationship, they had already left and already made all those decisions without even giving you the opportunity to work through them.

 

Feel everything even though it's crappy and hurts. "If you're going through hell, keep going" Winston Churchill.

Edited February 22, 2008 by Ssheena
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