End of 3yr relationship. another broken heart (1st love) lol

[Peter_pan]

hey guys!!! my name is Pete, nice to meet you all.

 

This forum is so amazing in many ways. It has helped me to know i am not alone. Anyway without further a due I shall spill my thoughts out on this electronic source for you guys to read sorry if its ridiculously long

 

Right.... story goes like this firstly I would like to point out I am male and currently 20yrs old. I met my Ex when i was 16 and was just about to turn 17, I met her at college through my best friends girl mate (becky)! she introduced me and soon after we went on a date, then before we knew it we where in a relationship!! she was head over heals for me! she was madly in love with me, where as i wasn't totally mad about her.

 

so she was my first serious girlfriend, now at the time I was a complete LAD and was still up for meeting other girls (not that i would EVER leave her for anyone of them) anyway this made her unhappy and in hind site I wish I never did those things but what can I say? I was 17!

 

so after getting through the first year we had finished college and Uni was looming in the not to distant future I wasn't to fussed if I went to a different University as her and she wanted to follow me. At the time we didn't know what was best to do and she didn't want to lose me and I wasn't 100% if I really wanted her. So we decided taking a gap year together would be best, so we moved into a house near her grandparents in scotland (I am english she is Scottish but lived in england with her mums side of the family).

 

It didn't go to well, small arguments etc and i developed ALOT of stress, being away from my family and having to live like a married couple (it felt like). This sadly led to me getting OCD and it resulted in me wanting everything to be clean and i wouldn't want to go out etc . Anyway we had been looking at courses and I had said to her that maybe it would be best if we didnt move in together whilst at Uni since there would be alot of people to meet and we where only young so someone may come between us. She was very upset by this and couldnt beleive i wanted that, even though i was content with her the "what if" played on my mind for a long long time .

 

I told her to do what is best for YOU not US or ME. so she decided to go to Edinburgh and she had always wanted to live there anyway.

anyway we moved to Edinburgh to go to University and it turned out i was the one following her so i didn't lose her!

 

again things didn't really work because of arguments about washing up or shopping etc. there where great times though! but my OCD got in the way of a lot of "normal" living and it caused friction. but I couldn't get rid of it because of the stressful situation I was in. and because in my mind i didn't know if i could spend every last day of my life with her I thought it would be best if we experienced more of life etc.

 

after about 7 or 8 months she started saying she wanted her own space. I know she still cared and loved me but we just needed to give each other space and hope things would work out. so i moved into the spare room (yeah i know still in the same flat) so naturally the stress just couldn't escape. We said we would just be "friends" and see how it went, but naturally this didn't work because we where still intimate (yes I know the wrong thing to do).

 

anyway our lease was about to run out and she was going to be buying a property for her own. I went to visit these new homes with her and she did ask me to move in with her but again i wasn't 100% sure because of previous experience. and I still had OCD. she took it as though i didn't WANT her, when I did want her I just didn't want to contradict what flat she bought (two or three rooms etc). i wrote this and explained it in a letter.

 

a few weeks later she bought a flat of her choice and she said she was moving in with a friend and i was to move out to the halls. I thought this would be good because it would give us the break we needed and I could finally work out if it was her I wanted and sort my head out.

 

but then she left her job to start a new job at a night club. This consisted of her working friday night sat night and monday night and more during the christmas period, and then being in bed till 3 4 or 5 the next day catching up (basically night shift hours).

 

she then started acting differently towards me after christmas and i knew something was up when i tried touching her she would move away or say it tickled. she kept talking about this new manager of hers. I was still living in the flat with her at this point so more stress was building up, I was annoyed that she was spending so much time at this new job and that she would be going out on the nights out she wasn't working with "friends" and excluding me.

 

I was growing more suspicious of her and this new guy. i went along to a club and met her (before christmas) it was her staff night out and at the end of the night i saw her and her manager in arms walking out. this made me jealous and so i confronted her about it outside of the club, she told me he was like that with everyone. then i told her i wanted to go home with her, this was at 3am. but she announced that she was going back to a house party (didnt invite me) so i walked home crying.

 

she got back at 8am. i told her i couldnt trust her anymore (all sorts running through my mind). as i dont know what she was up to. she said well in that case i had better move out asap.

 

So over christmas I wanted her back and so asked her and she said it wasn't what she wanted anymore I couldn't understand why, she said she just wanted to live the single life. she was fed up of being with me but not out with me so she wanted to completely break it off.

 

I wanted to work things out now that our situation was different. But she would say it would always go back to how it was and this is for the best. and she she told me she didn't want to work things out. she didn't want to give us another chance.

 

I couldn't believe this was her talking. I thought she would always be there for me. i still thought the only reason she didn't want me back was because she met some one new. so i txted her saying do you fancy your manager and she said no dont be silly he is just my manager.

 

So i trusted her on that. and a week went by and i tried to get her back but still she didn't want me and that i wasn't what she wanted anymore. and she didnt want to give us another chance she was at this point still going out to all night house partys after work with work (which involved him). she told me to move on and dont wait for her .... she said i think we should experience other things. she had gone to his birthday party and had kept talking about him so i knew something was up but she wasnt telling me. she was avoiding the truth.

 

so i tried talking to her and she would just get angry and shout at me saying we have spoke about this a million times etc. i said to her is there something going on she said no. then once i had moved out i said ok i am out of your life now has anyone asked you out or you asked anyone out she said pete dont. i said be honest, she said yeah he asked her out the day she got back from our trip back home for xmas

 

i said well what did u say, she said i told him it couldnt be worse timing because we where still living together and breaking up. so thats when i went round and asked her if she was planning anything with him. and she said she dosnt know what will happen in the future

 

she said he is just someone i get on with really well and so i said well are you wanting something to happen with you and him. she said no she dosnt know what will happen "who knows what will happen in the future". but she wanted me to find another girlfriend and move on. i was completely shocked.

 

anyway i move out and she is off to england for her 21st (she did invite me). i decided to try and get the truth out of her so i wrote her an email and said if you want to be single etc like you said you do then fine, maybe we can work things out in the future and i hope you dont go out with anyone else so we can still be true to each other. or if you are wanting to experience other people please be open and honest about it.

 

she didnt reply to it untill i was away on holiday in france with my uni even though i saw her 2 days before i left for the holiday to give her a birthday present, and had sent the email a week and a half before that. she finally replied and said in her email that we had good times and that she wont ever forget me as i was her first love and it is a shame as its been such a long time. and she wanted to tell me she was seeing him and that its nothing serious and dosnt no if it will go anywhere but its nice not knowing !!! and that she cant agree with me that i am the best guy for her and she is the best girl for me and she wants me to move on and be happy in life. and now i know its because she has him so the grass for her was greener and she left me for it.

 

i phoned her up right away and told her how could you do this to me, i love you etc but she was angry and said look im off to my birthday party. its not what i want anymore. dont you care about what i want. i couldn't wait around over 3 years for you to know what you want.

 

so i felt betrayed and lied to. she had even told her mum she had told me that she didnt want me and that she was seeing someone else (not the case), because what happened was i told my dad to look out for the email. i got it on the sat and he didnt want to tell me the bad news since it would ruin my holiday. so he left a voice mail on her phone saying, look i no this will upset him so please can you not let him no about the email untill he is back so we can give him support. anyway she didnt.

 

i got a txt saying why the hell is my dad reading private messages etc. thats when i found out that her mum had spoke to my dad and told him she had made it clear she didnt want him and that she had told me before that she was seeing him.... so my dad said well thats not the case im afraid. the first time he will properly know will be through this email.

 

so i called her mum and set the score straight. i told her i didnt no. i told her i really loved her and wanted to propose. she was upset.

 

the next day i get a txt saying please dont contact my family again. it upset them,

 

i txt back saying, sorry, we can talk when i get back, you at least owe me that.

 

she said ok. but i dont owe you anything.

 

so it had been 2 weeks yesterday that i had spoke to her other than things about furniture and money i called her up and told her that all our good times out weighed the bad and it would have been nice for her to have given the real me another chance now that im different and the stress is gone etc.

 

she just said she was sorry and that her feelings have changed and she has changed and that she would be lying to herself if she took me back. and this with him just "happened". i said things dont just happen like that, she said well they do and it did. and she wasnt planning it. it just happened.

 

so i said is this how you want things to be between us? she said what, you not txting me back. i said well its pretty awkward you no. now you have a new boyfriend, it really hurts you did that straight away and i still really care about you and im upset and hurt. she said well she still cares for me to and thats why she was upset that i didnt ever txt her back.

 

she said i never lied to you.... i said well you hid the truth (fine line). she said it wasnt anything then and still isnt serious. i said well its still something and unless ive moved on then im sorry i cant contact you because it hurts to much.

 

she said she is so glad i dont have ocd anymore and that she was happy for me. she said she was upset that i didn't txt her back as she dosnt want to lose contact with me.

 

i wished her good luck and good bye.

 

then after the conversation i got a txt from her saying, oh and by the way he dosnt even work at the club anymore, he has gone to run another bar. and it hasnt changed how much she still loves working there.

 

so now i have to live with knowing she has a new bf and its to hard

 

i saw her and him in town the other day and i nearly lost it. i am heart broken to be honest. and there is nothing I can do. she could have at least lived on her own for a bit before jumping into another relationship and then given us one more chance or to think about it properly. also i cant show her that her feelings may still be there in her for me because she has a new bf.

 

and her brother is moving up here soon to and wants to see me, since he had become a brother to me over the past 3 years we where together. and she told me he wants to join snowboarding with me. but now i am seriously considering packing my bags and starting a new life for ME at a different city.

 

what does everyone think about this whole relationship i have been in it upsets me. I hope i find someone new and better. i do regret taking her for granted and pushing her away and for not knowing that it was her i truly wanted. but thats all in the past and i cant change anything now.

 

also its hard because she is so good looking, natural blonde hair, blue eyes she used to be a model. and for me its harder because i dont think i'll get anyone as attractive i know thats shallow. but i was attracted to her personality in the first place not looks. thats why its harder now because she is extremely attractive. and i know she is/was an extremely caring loving person.

 

we where both always faithful and trusted each other. we experienced everything together (virginity etc) and its horrible to know that stress, boredom, arguing tore us apart. but then her new lifestyle is to blame in a way. for finally breaking us up. do you guys think it really is for the best?

 

and i know i wont forget her since our anniversary was on my birthday

 

and now i feel helpless and horrible and used and lonely. thank you EVER so much for reading. it has taken me an hour and i am so dead now!

 

oh and i dont find NC a problem. i just worry what i am going to do if i see her and him or when i am out at the same club. i cant avoid these places, i need to get out there if anything.

 

look forward to reading replies, good night!

 

ps wouldn't be surprised if i get the longest first post ever award

xxxx

Edited February 16, 2008 by Peter_pan

[Peter_pan]

anyone

 

and for an update she txt me today and said "hey do you know if currys would sell a cable for the sky box".

 

why dosnt she ask her new bf or go look for herself. i told her on the phone that its awkward for me to talk or contact her..

[s_n_d]

Its so obvious that theres A LOT of drama when shes in your life.

So...

You need to do NC. As hard as it is, you should take comfort in knowing that if she came back to you, she would come back on HER OWN terms and not because you kept telling her you loved her and wanted her back. I think she probably knows that by now. All you can do now is try to get your life in order and go out and have some fun.

 

Believe me. I know its hard. And if you do see your ex in a club or something, leave immediately if you cant handle it or just dont go there anymore. Go to another club.. Otherwise, make it SEEM like your having fun even if your not. Go to the club with friends. For me personally, My friends ALWAYS keep my spirits up under any situation.

 

I hope it all works out for you.

Its 17 days NC today for me and its getting so much easier for me. I still love him and Id probably go back to him in a second but I know its not up to me anymore. Its ALL up to him.

In your case, Its ALL up to your ex. She knows how you feel already.

[Peter_pan]

hey thanks s_n_d.

 

well i am coping with the NC i always say to myself ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS. so in essence by not contacting her, if she ever did come back it would be because she wanted to not because i kept on at her. it felt good in a strange way to hear that she said she still cares for me and thats why when i didn't contact her she was upset.

 

Maybe i shouldn't have contacted her?

 

but i honestly couldn't live with the hate for her and since i couldnt talk to her in france for long and it was the first i had heard that she had a new bf i just kept mulling over what i want to say to her.

 

i think i had 4 letters that where nice, then 6 or 7 that where angry and i needed to simply have one more phone call before NC.

 

i knew deep down she couldn't be this nasty. plus i really wanted to tell her that i had gotten over my ocd. i guess i was hoping it would make her think. and in a way if we ever ever did get back together at least it kind of ended on good terms instead of me thinking she hated me. and i have read somewhere before that in order to move on you really do need to forgive someone. because i kept dreaming of her and him all the time and i was becoming sick. after that phone call it did feel like a massive weight had been lifted but i was still left with sadness and loneliness (which will pass).

 

still amazes me and is hard to take in that she has a new bf. when i spoke to her i said look, i know you have a new bf even saying that is weird and she said yeah its strange to hear.

 

do you think that her being able to tell me she never lied to me was a weight off her shoulders? because at the end of the day its an extremely fine line between lying and hiding the truth to someone you have loved. she began to raise her voice again because i was basically calling her a lier (which she is lol) so i just said look please dont raise your voice at me, its not why i called in any shape or form. i said that you hid the truth she laughed and said so your still calling me a lier... anyway i said and continued the conversation.

 

I basically phoned her because i wanted to say i thought this space would get us back on track and now i dont have ocd it wouldn't cause arguments or upset. i didn't no this was what you wanted and you have to understand i am hurt that you went and got a new bf and so its awkward for me to be in contact with you.

 

i know myself now i did everything to try and stop her going out with someone new and to keep hold of her even though it was to late, and thats probably why she took so long to tell me and when she did i wasnt even in the same country!! and so this phone call i kinda of deep down just wanted her to give me another chance but more importantly i wanted her to think about what i had said.

 

i kind of think now it would have been nice for her to live with guilt but then eventually she wouldn't care anyway and when i move on i would like to look back without hate for how it ended.

 

so i wanted to say goodbye to her properly and tell her i still care but its to hard to have contact.

 

thanks for reading. i know its massive.

Edited February 16, 2008 by Peter_pan

[s_n_d]

No problem. Anytime. We're all here for you.

 

Me too. I dont like hating my ex and thats why at one point in my NC process, I wanted to break it and just settle things so we didnt have to end on a bad note. But then I realized that HE is the one who did this. He stopped talking to me. He started being rude to me almost immediately after the breakup. He doesnt deserve anything from me.

 

At this point, I have learned to NOT expect anything from my ex so I dont get disappointed.

 

It still hurts that he hasnt contacted me yet to even check how Im doing. When we were together and even before, We were SO close and almost like bestfriends and now NOTHING.

[Peter_pan]

god i feel for you. that guy is heartless to tell you the truth, at least my ex told me they still cared for me and was extremely happy i have beaten my illness.

 

the thing with me is that i knew that she wouldn't think she didn't do anything wrong since she technically didn't cheat on me....

 

and i was right when she said the line "i never lied to you pete". grr i could have went mental but then it would have got nasty and straight back to square one.

 

why do i keep going back over things that i SHOULD have done when i was with her eg, cooking, putting kisses at the end of my txts, kissing her back when she would kiss me. sometimes i would pull away. now i would do anything for a kiss.

 

also you have to remember that...

 

Rejection is simply another way of describing something we can't have. And naturally, you, me, and everybody else always wants what they can't have. It becomes a fantasy not unlike fame or wealth or anything of the sort.

 

But what's the problem with this line of thinking? When we fantasize about

something we blow the benefits of having it way out of proportion and if we're lucky (or unlucky) enough to get it, reality quickly sinks in. It is for this reason that most couples that do end up back together after a breakup don't stay together very long. Again, it's because the extraordinary fantasy has turned into an ordinary reality.

 

but like you she was my best friend to and so its a shock to go from best friend/lovers to nothing.

 

i did say to her, is your new lifestyle worth everything we had, she said she would never compare it to that because she was happy with her time with me and that she would never lie to herself.

 

i also said to her that well im happy being me and so why couldn't you have done the same instead of going into another relationship, she said ive always been happy being me and ive always been independent.

 

ugh, what i meant to say to her (to late now) was why couldn't you be happy being on your own... not being yourself. but again i could analyze everything to the nth degree forever.

 

she has clearly told me i am not what she wants anymore, this couldn't even be made anymore clear by the fact that she has a new bf. i just feel sad and left behind in a way.

 

but.... on the bright side i do now get to see what else is out there and i am hoping i wont be disappointed

Edited February 16, 2008 by Peter_pan

[s_n_d]

Its not that my ex is completely heartless. Initially after the breakup, we remained friends for about a month and in that month I was after him almost all the time about how I loved him etc etc and he kept telling me it was over but I never got it. So he started telling me the brutal truth in order for me to get it. After still not getting that it was infact over, he had to resort to being an utter jerk to me. I hate that it had to come to that because now Ive lost my best friend AND the love of my life. I feel so helpless sometimes. But then i know that this happened for a reason..

[Peter_pan]

oh i see well i guess u pushed him away then

 

well my ex made it clear to me that it was over to but i just couldn't believe it! i said to her where is my baby gone

 

so i kept on at her wanting her back all the time and we remained in contact for 2 weeks but when i found out about mr new guy i stopped all contact and since my last call i have spoke about i remain to stay in NC mode but not out of HATE like i was and it was eating me up. but because im doing it for ME

[s_n_d]

Do you know if she was seeing this other guy before you brokeup?

Sorry to bring this up but just curious.

[Peter_pan]

no at that time she wasn't. she hadnt worked at this club. in the two months of "being friends" she did still want me to move in with her.

 

then once she got this job she changed completely and thats why

[s_n_d]

I feel for you, hun.

Dont worry.. It can ONLY get better from now on (for the both of us).

[Peter_pan]

yeah i know it cant get worse can it !!

 

i cant even tell you how HORRIBLE it was listening to her getting ready to go to work putting on fake tan make up and fragrance knowing she would see him... and i would be left all alone.

 

reminds me that before we went away for christmas (23rd) she asked me whilst i was at work to get her some perfume. she wouldnt let it drop and i knew its because she wanted to impress someone at work since she worked the night before we left. funny how he asked her out the day we got back and she jumped out the taxi to buy a dress for that night, and left me to take the bags back to the flat. then that night she didnt want me to go out with her "there my friends she would yell". week later i find out he asked her out on that day

 

oh and the next day i get a phone call from her she tells me she lost her mobile phone.... and wanted me to get her a replacement sim card.. SO glad i didnt now

 

it all makes sense now. my instinct was correct. thats why when i got confirmation about it it wasnt a massive shock but i was still shocked. i felt so weird seeing her and him down town the other day in each others arms. i ran off the bus ready to smack him but knew it wasnt worth it.

 

she used me to where she wanted to get and then left me behind

 

however some positives have come about this.... i am closer to my family, i can now talk to them about anything, i have joined the gym and go every other day, i do kick boxing, and joining a basketball team as i used to play everyday before i met her but stopped due to my illness. and i can start looking for other attractive girls that may be interested in me

Edited February 16, 2008 by Peter_pan

[s_n_d]

Thats good to hear.

A LOT of positives have come out from the breakup for me too. I have definitely found that I have become closer to my family and friends. Since the breakup, I have also started praying a lot more and it has helped my faith grow.

=]

Whenever Im feeling down, I take comfort in knowing that this happened for a reason and things will all fall into place eventually.

I have learned a lot from the breakup about myself and about who my REAL friends are.