Tug of War?

[dfreeman]

So,

 

12 days of no personal contact (about 4 e-mails about house/financial matters during that time).

 

I have processed most of my anger.

 

I don't want to break NC (I think it is the only thing keeping me sane right now) and I feel that I am doing it for the right reasons.

 

My mind is clear that I don't want her back and I don't think we are right for each other.

 

None of my closest friends think we were right for each other in the first place

 

Valentine's Day was a piece of cake?!?

 

The day after Valentine's Day, I have been a mess all day (can't work, didn't eat, cried a little, don't feel like going to the gym, checked my e-mail every two minutes to see if she sent me anything) and I have been fantasizing about her missing me and wanting to get back together asap.

 

...Is this the kind of mind-fu[beep]k that I can expect during long stretches of NC?

 

Did I spend too much of my mental and emotional energy getting past Valentine's Day or what?

 

I feel like I just ate a big turd - just like when we first broke up.

[BrianG]

The day after Valentine's Day, I have been a mess all day (can't work, didn't eat, cried a little, don't feel like going to the gym, checked my e-mail every two minutes to see if she sent me anything) and I have been fantasizing about her missing me and wanting to get back together asap.

 

...Is this the kind of mind-fu[beep]k that I can expect during long stretches of NC?

 

Did I spend too much of my mental and emotional energy getting past Valentine's Day or what?

 

I feel like I just ate a big turd - just like when we first broke up.

 

Yes my friend, and you can expect more from long stretches of NC in my opinion because I have been about a month of NC. NC is a hard with people you love even if you don't want them back. I worked Valentine's so I had something to keep my mind occupied most of the night. Now today I have been an emotional wreck. My case is different in that I do want her back, but as you know we can't do anything about it. I have been torturing myself all day, wondering if she is with someone (dont know and dont want to know - been subscribing to "ignorance is bliss.") Wondering what they did, was it romantic, what if anything happened later on in the night if you know what I mean. Or if she did not have a date, was she missing me or thinking about me, etc. etc. We had such a memorable Valentine's day last year I am wondering if the thought of me ever popped into her head.

 

NC is a long and tough road with many bumps along the way. Sometimes thoughts and emotions just seem to come out of nowhere at anytime. Don't run from it, experience it and feel it for what its worth. Everyday I try to justify some reason to break NC and when I think to myself, is there anything I haven't done or said that might change anything and the answer is always a Big NO. I struggle with it everday so far but I hope that after a good amount of time has passed my wounds will heal.

Its tough and it will be for sometime. Just happens that way when it comes to matters of the heart.

[dfreeman]

I'm sorry you are having a bad day too!

 

Even though you are torturing yourself trying to imagine what happened with her, it is best not to have any idea. I ran a little worst-case scenario through my head last night (a friend of ours that she dated before me has interest in her and it pops in my head a tiny bit), but didn't dwell and certainly will never ask her about her intentions with him.

 

Even though me and you are having different thought patterns, It seems we both are on the same bumpy ride. Something about LS has me 100% sold on NC and I don't even think of breaking it. My short time on here has me convinced that NC now (still a little contact on the house buyout about once a week via e-mail) will be better for my ex and I no matter which direction our relationship goes in the future. It's almost as if I don't want to say anything of a personal nature to her because it will mess up the natural direction that our future will take? Even though I am not struggling with breaking NC, it is still kickin my ass bigtime.

 

The only thing I have keeping me on track is that I have put my desire to have a good friendship with her and her daughter above my personal pain - right now, I think that is the best thing I can get out of all this.

 

Hang in there Brian - we will definitely heal over time.

[prisonbreak]

Hey, I'm riding that same bumpy road with ya boys. I must admit, Dfree, this is a different side of you I haven't seen. You're usually busting with self-confidence and have been in the front lines leading us into this battle of NC...like a true warrior. I envision you being Mell Gibson in Braveheart (painted blue face and all), riding your horse back and forth in front of all of us, encouraging us, telling us like it is, pressing us on. While we stand there shaking in our armor. I must admit, it's nice to see your human too.

I don't know what it is about your posts, they either make me laugh my ass off or really make me think. Some how I can relate to your advice. Like you speak my laungage or maybe it's just that your a smart ass. Either way, you need to keep strong. It's ok to have weak days, they are bound to happen. Lighten up on yourself. It's kind of like going to the gym, you work your muscles, crank the music, feeling really good, then you need to take a day of rest. I think that's where you're at...the day of rest. Where you just let yourself cry, think, analyze...etc. Once you've let it all in and feel it, your ready to press on once again. Today sucked, but it's part of the process. Your one step closer to closure. Every time you have days like this, something was healed. You needed to grieve where you were at. Next time you have a day like this, you'll be grieving where your at on that day. Just remember, these days are necessary to be truly healed. But let me tell ya, you are not alone. Yesterday was probably my hardest thus far.

[g1976b]

Hey dfree, I have to echo much of what prison has to say. I feel like you've been one of my main encouraging forces over the past month and though the steadfast message of NC and moving on has been helpful, it is nice to know that you are struggling too.

 

I can't offer much in terms of support. Truth is, I'm still not strong. I just remember much of what you've told me about what I need to do and where she's probably at and that ultimately I need to take care of MYSELF first. I need to love and respect myself.

 

That does NOT mean I ignore my feelings. The same goes for you. Life sucks sometimes. Feel it. Live it. Through all of this, I don't want to pretend I'm somewhere that I'm not. I'm not happy right now. I'm not optimistic. I miss my GF and it kills me every day to know she does not want to be with me right now and that she'll be heading out on a date with another this weekend. But I'm not going to pretend I feel otherwise.

 

That said, I will need to eventually start "acting AS IF". Simply put, I need to act as if I'm okay. No one wants to be around someone who's feeling like I'm feeling. As much as my friends and family mean well, they don't know what to do. That's why I spend so much time lurking and posting at LS lately. These are truly "my people" at this point in my life.

 

I feel like a bit of a fraud trying to encourage you or offer you advice at this point. I'm not living it. But you've been so encouraging for me and given me some 'tough love' and advice when I've needed it, I'm just going to try to impress upon you that you'll get through this. It's not a linear thing. You'll have good days and bad. You'll miss her more certain days than others. As best I can figure, it's just something that will be a roller coaster ride for a while. Eventually the highs and lows will level off a bit more.

 

Try to be okay with where you're at. Don't judge yourself. Regardless of how much you don't want to 'take a step backwards' understand that it's going to be part of the healing process. If I'm honest, I don't think I've even really had a full "good" day yet through this first month. But, I believe it will get better because it must.

 

Hang in there buddy. If it's anything like what you're going through, I understand it's the worst part of your life, but it's in those times we can truly see what we're made of and make the changes in our life that can be impactful far past our current situation.

 

You're among friends. Post whatever you need to, and go with the good and bad.

[dfreeman]

That's funny - I am feeling pretty sub-human right now!

 

Thanks everybody...

 

I am still confident in my belief in NC and am happy to help pass on what I have learned about the importance of it on LS, but I was just so surprised to have that old gut ache return today.

 

Everything I have read others post on here came crashing down on my head today - I thought of her all day and felt nothing other than totally forgotten about. What an ugly feeling to have (even though I am trying to forget her).

 

Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and remember what got me here and get back to thinking how good this break is for me? I hope so because today totally sucked. It helps hearing encouragement from those of you that have been through this because it hit me from left field and I didn't get any work done today.

 

Thanks for sticking with me - it is probably getting to be time that I give my friend's ears a break.

[Roller EastCoaster]

You're usually busting with self-confidence and have been in the front lines leading us into this battle of NC...like a true warrior. I envision you being Mell Gibson in Braveheart (painted blue face and all), riding your horse back and forth in front of all of us, encouraging us, telling us like it is, pressing us on. While we stand there shaking in our armor.

LOL, true true!! I would change it to a scene from Lord of the Rings!! Yeah your posts and replies to us who are in a similar situation have been very encouraging and stinging at the same time. Sometimes you need that sting to make you see beyond the self-pitying dark clouds we sometimes get wrapped up in. But to be frank, there are good days and bad days, certain days practically seem to have the ex's name in the wind no matter which direction you try to go and others you feel like you can't skip a beat and at the top of your game. In your case Dfree, you and others seemed way hyped about Vday and probably felt a backlash from it yesterday. For some reason life tends to do that us, whenever we think we can just kinda "rock on" and just not give a fu*k about something, life plays an ironic twist.

 

Such is life, but I think if we continue to stick to the positive routines we have created for our own selves in these new and strange times we will create a very good balance in our lives. I think thats one problem we are all having is trying to balance everything out in our lives, going from a stable emotional platform of a long-term relationship to this extremely trying emotional push-pull of a break up. So now that we are shoved into this new situation we are unsure if we want to fight and try to get our ex's back or if we want to fight with ourselves to learn to accept this new situation life has presented to us... I think it is this dilemma we are in which causes us to have these uncontrollable roller coaster rides. Maybe we should try to enjoy the ride but how fu*k do you do that?????!!!

[dfreeman]

In your case Dfree, you and others seemed way hyped about Vday and probably felt a backlash from it yesterday. For some reason life tends to do that us, whenever we think we can just kinda "rock on" and just not give a fu*k about something, life plays an ironic twist.

 

I know - how funny is that!

 

I lead the NC charge for a week up until and through Valentine's Day, then come on here crying like a whiney little bitch two days later!

 

I guess you could call that the snap-back syndrom?

 

The most important thing for me is LS. Posting on hear and reading the responses has kept me 100% NC (save the contact she makes to discuss the buyout and house repairs) AND gave me the strength to sail through Valentine's Day.

[kymberann]

Hey guys,

Just remember you are human! All these feelings and ups and downs go with the territory. It would say something less of you if you didn't have these hard times.

Don't lose all you have accomplished thus far. It will help bring you closure fo schizzle!

Best,

Kim

[dfreeman]

Thanks kim,

 

I just got off the phone with my best friend and he always seems to get me back on point. The sadness and bad thoughts are still there, but it is hard to cry too hard after somebody that has known you your whole life reminds you of how little the ex gave you over the last 5 years.