Author shadowplay Posted February 27, 2008 Author Posted February 27, 2008 I'm considering doing the fwb thing with Sean, since I'm very attracted to him but don't want a relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Sheesh, shadow. Truth be told, I did like you and still do, to a degree, although the cruel manner that you treated your b/f, made me lose respect for you. Sean is an a*s. I have zero sympathy for him. He played a game and got the smack down he was due. If you develop an FWB with him, that's your call. Personally, I think it will only get you some STDs. Time to get busy working on why you need to have personal power and control over the people surrounding you. Until you figure it out and work on personal insecurities/self-esteem that cause this abandonment issue or whatever it is, plse leave your b/f alone so he can salvage and recoup his self-respect. If you pursue him, I can see this happening again.
Author shadowplay Posted February 27, 2008 Author Posted February 27, 2008 Sheesh, shadow. Truth be told, I did like you and still do, to a degree, although the cruel manner that you treated your b/f, made me lose respect for you. Sean is an a*s. I have zero sympathy for him. He played a game and got the smack down he was due. If you develop an FWB with him, that's your call. Personally, I think it will only get you some STDs. Time to get busy working on why you need to have personal power and control over the people surrounding you. Until you figure it out and work on personal insecurities/self-esteem that cause this abandonment issue or whatever it is, plse leave your b/f alone so he can salvage and recoup his self-respect. If you pursue him, I can see this happening again. Well, I can understand why you would lose respect for me based on what I did. I do plan on leaving my bf alone.
garnet Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 It's astonishing to me that you could actually be attracted to someone who had the cruel audacity to taunt your boyfriend the way he did, talking about your body in front of him. It's disgusting and that guy is grade A scum. Personally I think the reason you're attracted to him is because your self esteem is so low that you believe on some level that you deserve to be with creep like that.
Trialbyfire Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Well, I can understand why you would lose respect for me based on what I did. I do plan on leaving my bf alone. Well that's a healthy decision for him and while you don't believe it now, for you. No doubt you care for him but if you self-analyze a bit more, in the coming months, you'll find that you settled with him, perhaps even creating a co-dependency, since friendships aren't easy for you. I do want to stress healthy relationships. Get out there and start making both gender friendships and learning to value those friends as people, with emotions and differences, not solely to create a safe little environment that you can control, to be pulled out/manipulated when needed. My closest friends are independent people. I couldn't control them if I tried and respect that I don't want to and can't. I admire their strength and independence. Find friends like this and realize that it's time to grow up and not want to always be the center of attention, negative or positive. You have a lot of things going for you. Know it and use it wisely.
blind_otter Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I'm considering doing the fwb thing with Sean, since I'm very attracted to him but don't want a relationship. I dunno 'bout all THAT. IME the only people who can indulge in FWB relationships are those who are emotionally divorced from themselves. Alls I'm saying is, do a brief search on LS about FWB relationships. They almost universally end in tears on one side or the other.
serial muse Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 (edited) Personally I think the reason you're attracted to him is because your self esteem is so low that you believe on some level that you deserve to be with creep like that. Yes...that's what I was thinking, too. Shadow - do you think that maybe what you're attracted to isn't Sean, per se, but what he represents? Change, selfishness, narcissism - things that maybe you think you deserve now? Because it's hard to imagine how you can thoroughly compartmentalize his assy behavior. And as otter said, I'm concerned that if you become FWB, you're going to get hurt. It's not so easy to keep emotions out of things. Edited to add...maybe this isn't a consideration right now, but have you considered what you being FWB to Sean will do to your ex? It's really pretty callous, to be honest. Try to put yourself in his shoes. You don't even really want Sean; why do even more hurt to your ex for someone who doesn't mean anything to you? Edited February 27, 2008 by serial muse
Cobra_X30 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 I'm considering doing the fwb thing with Sean, since I'm very attracted to him but don't want a relationship. Do you believe that you are a good person?
Author shadowplay Posted February 27, 2008 Author Posted February 27, 2008 (edited) Do you believe that you are a good person? Is that a rhetorical question? No, not really. Well, I can be a good person. I'm generally affectionate and enjoy taking care of people. But I'm also pretty selfish. I have no problem (and actually enjoy) helping others - unless I have to sacrifice something that is really important to me. So to answer your question I'm not evil but I'm not a great person overall. I guess I'm a mixed bag. Hopefully getting into therapy will help me become a better person. Edited February 27, 2008 by shadowplay
Cobra_X30 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Is that a rhetorical question? No, not really. Well, I can be a good person. I'm generally affectionate and enjoy taking care of people. But I'm also pretty selfish. I have no problem helping others, unless I have to sacrifice something that is important to me. No, I meant that very much for you to answer. I think it goes directly to the heart of your problems. I don't think that you have accepted your own flaws. I think sometimes you want to be someone that your not. Does that make sense? For what it is worth, I believe that you are a good person.
Author shadowplay Posted February 27, 2008 Author Posted February 27, 2008 No, I meant that very much for you to answer. I think it goes directly to the heart of your problems. I don't think that you have accepted your own flaws. I think sometimes you want to be someone that your not. Does that make sense? For what it is worth, I believe that you are a good person. Really? I think I'm pretty aware of my flaws. What do you believe I want to be that I am not?
blind_otter Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Really? I think I'm pretty aware of my flaws. What do you believe I want to be that I am not? Being aware of your flaws is very different from accepting them. It's easy to look at yourself honestly, but very difficult to be accepting of yourself. Fact is, people with depression/depressive tendencies statistically have a more accurate view of themselves than those who don't suffer from depression. Intersting factoid.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Really? I think I'm pretty aware of my flaws. What do you believe I want to be that I am not? That's not really my question to answer. I just see a lack of acceptance within who you are. If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change? Being aware of your flaws is very different from accepting them. It's easy to look at yourself honestly, but very difficult to be accepting of yourself. Fact is, people with depression/depressive tendencies statistically have a more accurate view of themselves than those who don't suffer from depression. Intersting factoid. Exactly true! I'm glad you see the same thing. I believe that depression and anger are linked. I don't get depressed very often, I tend to get angry instead. LOL... it would seem to me that if you have an accurate view of yourself and are depressed... your not liking what you see. The latter simply proves the flaw with the former. If we see ourselves accurately, and that causes depression, I would bet that means we don't see those around us with that same critical lens.
Ariadne Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 I have never seen a guy so excited. He was literally hyperventilating and kept breaking out in laughter. ...I took my shirt off... "that girl has the most phenomenal tits ever." I'm considering doing the fwb thing with Sean, since I'm very attracted to him but don't want a relationship. That's hot!
dropdeadlegs Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 I'm considering doing the fwb thing with Sean, since I'm very attracted to him but don't want a relationship. FWB is tricky. BTDT and overall I would say it worked, but there were some "bumps" in the road. I would be happy to elaborate if you'd like. Be sure Sean is up to FWB before proceeding is my advice. That's all I've got.
johan Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Be sure Sean is up to FWB before proceeding is my advice. Yeah. Be careful of Sean's feelings. Whatever. Your boyfriend might not have been able to keep you (for lots of reasons, many of which have nothing to do with him). But he did deserve better treatment from you, which he would have gotten if you were more mature. And he deserved a LOT better from Sean, who is not a friend at all. I personally hope you tear Sean's heart out and feed it to your parakeet.
dropdeadlegs Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Okay, johan has made it clear that my last post requires expansion. FWB is usually one person taking advantage of the other person's insecurity/inability to commit. Rarely is it so honest that both people have no "connection" and can truly have unadulterated sex with no emotion involved. Very rarely. ONS's are the easiest way to accomplish a no emotion sex experience. They are based on more feral needs. Sex has nothing to do with love, or even like, in these instances, it's all about physical attraction. It is easier to be "friends", more like acquaintances, although most don't get that far, in this case. Many won't even remember your name. Sometimes they won't remember your face. FWB is more complicated. It implies being friends beforehand, and remaining friends after several sexual experiences that do not involve any other "relationship-like" activities. There are no dinners or dates. It's simply sex on a somewhat regular basis. Few people can do that. One or both expect more than just sex. Your name and face should be recognized, though. It doesn't matter what I think about you or Sean. What matters is if both of you can emotionally handle what you are proposing. You may feed him to your parakeet or he may feed you to his. Either is a possibility if you aren't both non-committed emotionally. Just be careful is my advice. It's not as easy as it sounds.
Woggle Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 This Sean deserves to get a good beatdown for betraying his friend.
serial muse Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Fact is, people with depression/depressive tendencies statistically have a more accurate view of themselves than those who don't suffer from depression. Intersting factoid. Ok, that's depressing. That's hot! Really?? This is probably going to come out wrong, but I thought Sean kind of sounds like an overeager, sweaty 16-year-old who's all fumbling hands and kisses with his mouth too wide open. But maybe I'm biased, because I agree that This Sean deserves to get a good beatdown for betraying his friend.
Author shadowplay Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 (edited) Get this: my ex bf wants to write a screenplay with me about the whole thing! I'm taking a screenwriting class and thought it would make good material. We're meeting up on Sunday to work on it. So now it actually is drama, in the literal sense. I feel like my life has transformed into a Woody Allen movie. Edited February 28, 2008 by shadowplay
Replicant Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Get this: my ex bf wants to write a screenplay with me about the whole thing! I'm taking a screenwriting class and thought it would make good material. We're meeting up on Sunday to work on it. So now it actually is drama, in the literal sense. I feel like my life has transformed into a Woody Allen movie. I don't understand why you write this? Is it to perpetuate this ordeal beyond what it should be? The whole situation should come to a rest now...seriously. People have given you as much advice as possible to better yourself in a variety of ways. In that department clearly you disregard that and instead enjoy the flare of the drama in which it creates. If you even had a shred of respect for your ex-boyfriend you would not be doing such silly things to keep him lingering after treating him that way. Leave the dude in peace. You owe him that much. I think you would have gained more respect from people here had you actually made a mature decision towards handling your problems out of respect for yourself and other parties involved. Fact is that you are going to get what you give in life, it's as simple as that. I seriously don't think immature and selfish behavior on your part warrants an outpouring of sympathy and support for you in such matters. Life is going to reward you with entirely the opposite.
Kamille Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Get this: my ex bf wants to write a screenplay with me about the whole thing! I'm taking a screenwriting class and thought it would make good material. We're meeting up on Sunday to work on it. So now it actually is drama, in the literal sense. I feel like my life has transformed into a Woody Allen movie. Your life is definitely like a Woody Allen movie . What I don't get is why you need to write it with your ex-boyfriend... How is he feeling about all this? Are you sure this isn't some way for him to keep hope things will rekindle? Or maybe you don't care and just like keeping him under your power? Yes, that's it. I get the impression you are suddenly feeling powerful because you can control both your bf and Sean. Interesting. Good drama because I really wonder how it'll end.
Author shadowplay Posted February 29, 2008 Author Posted February 29, 2008 I don't understand why you write this? Is it to perpetuate this ordeal beyond what it should be? The whole situation should come to a rest now...seriously. People have given you as much advice as possible to better yourself in a variety of ways. In that department clearly you disregard that and instead enjoy the flare of the drama in which it creates. If you even had a shred of respect for your ex-boyfriend you would not be doing such silly things to keep him lingering after treating him that way. Leave the dude in peace. You owe him that much. I think you would have gained more respect from people here had you actually made a mature decision towards handling your problems out of respect for yourself and other parties involved. Fact is that you are going to get what you give in life, it's as simple as that. I seriously don't think immature and selfish behavior on your part warrants an outpouring of sympathy and support for you in such matters. Life is going to reward you with entirely the opposite. It was HIS idea!
Replicant Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 It was HIS idea! Yes i see that it was his idea, and currently he does not have the self respect and willpower to overcome all this. So he is obviously thinking of these sorts of crazy things to bring you back into his world. The thing is once he does mature and gain more respect, and things sink in, his outlook on all this will be vastly different. Not only to you but his choice in lousy friends. "We're meeting up on Sunday to work on it." it is when you said this, i was more looking at. Now to do what you did is past tense, it is done now, what will come of that will unravel itself in due time. But in regard to your ex's situation, give him the ounce of respect you could not give him when you decided to start messing around with one of his friends and let him move on to someone he deserves.
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