Cobra_X30 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 My life is empty of friendship, and I avoid the creative pursuits that make me happy because they also lead to frustation (painting and drawing for example). I'm talented at a fair number of things, but tend to avoid developing my talents because I fear failure. EDIT: Just in my self defence -- the way I come across on here is skewed toward reflecting one (negative) aspect of my personality as I sometimes use LS as an insecurity dumping ground. Shadow, Are you sure that this fear of failure does not apply to your relationship as well? Sometimes that fear can lead to self sabotage. I'm going to admit, I would not even bother following your thread if you didn't remind me somewhat of a person close to me! I understand that your more than the sum of your insecurities. I also believe that at some point you are going to have to face your demons. Do you know what I mean?
Author shadowplay Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 Shadow, Are you sure that this fear of failure does not apply to your relationship as well? Sometimes that fear can lead to self sabotage. I'm going to admit, I would not even bother following your thread if you didn't remind me somewhat of a person close to me! I understand that your more than the sum of your insecurities. I also believe that at some point you are going to have to face your demons. Do you know what I mean? You're right, I've been putting off finding a therapist. It's such an intimidating process - finding someone on my insurance list who does cognitive behavioral and clicks with me. Oy. Maybe I'll get started again today.
Art_Critic Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I agree with some of your points, yet you miss the mark. I actually find drama rather painful. It's more of an obsessive thing where I binge on doubt to stave off uncertainty. Sounds paradoxical. My boyfriend compared it to emotional "cutting." I indulge every last doubt because I fear blindness and having the rug pulled out from under me. Better to prepare for the worst, according to my logic. Drama is the fallout, not the objective. I do use my relationship with my bf, and probably LS, to avoid. (And I know I'm not the only one.) I'm less of a drama queen than a master of procrastination. There are many things I've been avoiding, though I've improved quite a bit since last year. Now I at least have a job, some direction, and I'm finishing up school. My life is empty of friendship, and I avoid the creative pursuits that make me happy because they also lead to frustation (painting and drawing for example). I'm talented at a fair number of things, but tend to avoid developing my talents because I fear failure. I was actually thinking of starting a thread about just that in the self improvement section. It would be more productive at least than this one is. EDIT: Just in my self defence -- the way I come across on here is skewed toward reflecting one (negative) aspect of my personality as I sometimes use LS as an insecurity dumping ground. My bf sees the complete picture, and that's why puts up with me, because, believe it or not, I do have a lot of positive traits that don't come through here. It's when I'm happy and joking around that he loves me most. The things he always mentions that he loves about me have nothing to do with my insecure side -- my sweetness, intelligence, reflectiveness, depth, adventurousness, sense of humor, knowledge, creativity. He thinks it's a shame that I'm so insecure. He's compared me to a fruit that is rich and sweet beneath the hard, thick shell. I could see why if you saw me as a shell with no center his forgivingness might be inexplicable. He's also a very kind, understanding person, so that's part of it. He's said that I make him extremely happy (when I'm not in insecure mode). People on here can be unduly harsh because they don't see the full person. I'm a hard person to get to know. Please don't reduce me to a caricature. You know what shadow play .. that was a great introspective post...A very positive post if you ask me and one of your most insightful. Now take that new found introspection and put it to good use.. Time to work on yourself...
Author shadowplay Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 Are you guys curious to hear the outcome of this situation? I get the sense most of you might just be annoyed if I post about what happens later, so I was considering not bothering posting about it again. If you are curious, though, I will.
blind_otter Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Be prepared when you go to therapy. A lot of people go in with expectations based on what they've seen in the movies and it's just not like that. It's very difficult to go through therapy that does something for you. The T will put a mirror up to your face and it won't be the most flattering image, you can bet on that. In fact it's more like that scene in the Neverending Story when Atreyu looks in the mirror, sees Bastien, and runs away screaming.
Author shadowplay Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 (edited) Be prepared when you go to therapy. A lot of people go in with expectations based on what they've seen in the movies and it's just not like that. It's very difficult to go through therapy that does something for you. The T will put a mirror up to your face and it won't be the most flattering image, you can bet on that. In fact it's more like that scene in the Neverending Story when Atreyu looks in the mirror, sees Bastien, and runs away screaming. I've been in therapy before, but never for an extended period because I had to move around for school. Edited February 22, 2008 by shadowplay
Author shadowplay Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 By the way, I think it is possible for to love somebody and want to sleep with someone else. There's actually a thread about this in the GR forum. I do love my bf. Even when I've doubted whether I'm in love with him, I've never doubted that I love him. I guess you guys will never believe me on that point, though.
Replicant Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 You're right, I've been putting off finding a therapist. It's such an intimidating process - finding someone on my insurance list who does cognitive behavioral and clicks with me. Oy. Maybe I'll get started again today. Shadow you should be using the same advice you were also giving to spookie. Dating and relationships (Of any level) should not your primary concern right now given the level of personal problems you should be seeking intensive therapy for. If you are avoiding diagnosing such problems, they are just going to infect every relationship from here on out.
blind_otter Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 IME no strings sex sucks. I've had a lot of it. A LOT. I'd say the majority of my sexual conquests have been sans a relationship. It's empty and meaningless. If you're used to having sex in the context of a relationship, I bet the feeling you get after having sex without an emotional tie could be potentially devestating. Just my sexperience.
blind_otter Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I've been in therapy before, but never for an extended period because I had to move around for school. My point still stands. I've had several different therapists in the last 10 years. Some for short periods of time, some for extended periods of time. The experience with extended therapy is 10000% different from short-term therapy.
Trialbyfire Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 By the way, I think it is possible for to love somebody and want to sleep with someone else. There's actually a thread about this in the GR forum. I do love my bf. Even when I've doubted whether I'm in love with him, I've never doubted that I love him. I guess you guys will never believe me on that point, though. I won't disagree that people have passing crushes. What I will disagree with, is the level of obsessive intensity you're showing towards a supposed friend of your b/f. This is not healthy for a relationship, as you well know. Find yourself a therapist...STAT. Also, stop avoiding and start making responsible decisions that you won't continually regret.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 You're right, I've been putting off finding a therapist. It's such an intimidating process - finding someone on my insurance list who does cognitive behavioral and clicks with me. Oy. Maybe I'll get started again today. As I see it the greatest battle of your life is going to be against your own fears. Fear is a natural mechanism to make you sharp and wary, to protect you from danger. Your fear is the opposite, It freezes you, ensuring failure. But, as my sister would say, "it's emotionally safer to procrastinate... do nothing and fail, than to give it everything your worth and still come up short." Be prepared when you go to therapy. A lot of people go in with expectations based on what they've seen in the movies and it's just not like that. It's very difficult to go through therapy that does something for you. The T will put a mirror up to your face and it won't be the most flattering image, you can bet on that. In fact it's more like that scene in the Neverending Story when Atreyu looks in the mirror, sees Bastien, and runs away screaming. That's the truth, and perhaps best analogy ever! This happened to me at the age of 16! Almost exactly! I was told I had anger issues. I told the therapist to F*** Off, and stormed out.
Author shadowplay Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 So.... what happened???? Nothing yet. I'm just saying do you guys want me to even tell you what happens when I meet up with this guy? I'm going to a movie with him and then maybe to a coffeeshop, but I'll try to resist getting at all physical. Right now I just want to get to know him better and decide whether I even like him. I've never hung out with him one-on-one, so I don't know him too well. Maybe Ariadne's right and he's really dull (though I kind of doubt it). I guess I'll find out.
spookie Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Nothing yet. I'm just saying do you guys want me to even tell you what happens when I meet up with this guy? I'm going to a movie with him and then maybe to a coffeeshop, but I'll try to resist getting at all physical. Right now I just want to get to know him better and decide whether I even like him. I've never hung out with him one-on-one, so I don't know him too well. Maybe Ariadne's right and he's really dull (though I kind of doubt it). I guess I'll find out. Oh wow, so you decided to meet him. I didn't catch that part (haven't read the whole thread). Does your bf know? I think you're right that you need to get this experience out of yoru system. It's not about "what-if" cause there's no "what-if" about it - you know there's no future with this guy - but this is something you need to do so that the part of you that didn't think you could "get" this kind of guy is satisfied. I know the feeling. For me it was the popular good-looking boys. Until I hooked with a few, the feeling of inferiority I had left over from high school didn't totally go away. And I truly feel that without that experience, I would not have been as willing to commit - to the right person - as I am now. It's tough dilemma. But I think with your bf, the timing isn't right, you're not ready. Unfortunately, timing is everything. You're afraid of losing him but you're going to lose him in a much more final way if you continue with him when you're not ready. IMO, it's better to part on good terms to do what you gotta do. Stay friends, stay in touch, and when the time is right, you can be together. edit: btw emotional-less sex sucks. You'll probably cry, like I did.
Star Gazer Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I'm going to a movie with him and then maybe to a coffeeshop, but I'll try to resist getting at all physical. Right now I just want to get to know him better and decide whether I even like him. I've never hung out with him one-on-one, so I don't know him too well. Maybe Ariadne's right and he's really dull (though I kind of doubt it). I guess I'll find out. Okay, so now you're admitting you don't even know the guy. On other words, you're willing to throw away your boyfriend for... nothing. Nothing you know, nothing that's real. Why are you staying with him, Shadow? Are you into emotional S&M or something?
Author shadowplay Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 Okay, so now you're admitting you don't even know the guy. On other words, you're willing to throw away your boyfriend for... nothing. Nothing you know, nothing that's real. Why are you staying with him, Shadow? Are you into emotional S&M or something? Well, I do know him. I've hung out with him a bunch of times. I just don't know him that well, enough to know whether it's worth it to me. It's different when you talk to someone one on one.
Author shadowplay Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 Oh wow, so you decided to meet him. I didn't catch that part (haven't read the whole thread). Does your bf know? I think you're right that you need to get this experience out of yoru system. It's not about "what-if" cause there's no "what-if" about it - you know there's no future with this guy - but this is something you need to do so that the part of you that didn't think you could "get" this kind of guy is satisfied. I know the feeling. For me it was the popular good-looking boys. Until I hooked with a few, the feeling of inferiority I had left over from high school didn't totally go away. And I truly feel that without that experience, I would not have been as willing to commit - to the right person - as I am now. It's tough dilemma. But I think with your bf, the timing isn't right, you're not ready. Unfortunately, timing is everything. You're afraid of losing him but you're going to lose him in a much more final way if you continue with him when you're not ready. IMO, it's better to part on good terms to do what you gotta do. Stay friends, stay in touch, and when the time is right, you can be together. edit: btw emotional-less sex sucks. You'll probably cry, like I did. My bf knows. I couldn't lie to him. He's not too happy about it but I think he's accepted it. He's like "Okay, if you really have to do it, go ahead." I think he's just afraid of losing me for good. If he knew that I would just see Sean once and nothing would come of it, he wouldn't be uncomfortable.
spookie Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 It's different when you talk to someone one on one. Trudat, you might realize your "chemistry" is just awkwardness that's not uncomfortable when other people are around.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Okay, so now you're admitting you don't even know the guy. On other words, you're willing to throw away your boyfriend for... nothing. Nothing you know, nothing that's real. Why are you staying with him, Shadow? Are you into emotional S&M or something? She does believe that line has been crossed yet. It seems she is at the point My bf knows. I couldn't lie to him. He's not too happy about it but I think he's accepted it. He's like "Okay, if you really have to do it, go ahead." I think he's just afraid of losing me for good. If he knew that I would just see Sean once and nothing would come of it, he wouldn't be uncomfortable. Are you sure that's what your BF is thinking? By going on a date with his friend... and make no bones that is what this is... what message are you sending him? Do you think he is too dense to understand this? Believe me when I say that there are very few benefits to chasing rainbows like this, often its counter productive to personal growth.
Kamille Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I agree with some of your points, yet you miss the mark. I actually find drama rather painful. It's more of an obsessive thing where I binge on doubt to stave off uncertainty. Sounds paradoxical. My boyfriend compared it to emotional "cutting." I indulge every last doubt because I fear blindness and having the rug pulled out from under me. Better to prepare for the worst, according to my logic. Drama is the fallout, not the objective. I do use my relationship with my bf, and probably LS, to avoid. (And I know I'm not the only one.) I'm less of a drama queen than a master of procrastination. There are many things I've been avoiding, though I've improved quite a bit since last year. Now I at least have a job, some direction, and I'm finishing up school. My life is empty of friendship, and I avoid the creative pursuits that make me happy because they also lead to frustation (painting and drawing for example). I'm talented at a fair number of things, but tend to avoid developing my talents because I fear failure. I was actually thinking of starting a thread about just that in the self improvement section. It would be more productive at least than this one is. EDIT: Just in my self defence -- the way I come across on here is skewed toward reflecting one (negative) aspect of my personality as I sometimes use LS as an insecurity dumping ground. My bf sees the complete picture, and that's why puts up with me, because, believe it or not, I do have a lot of positive traits that don't come through here. It's when I'm happy and joking around that he loves me most. The things he always mentions that he loves about me have nothing to do with my insecure side -- my sweetness, intelligence, reflectiveness, depth, adventurousness, sense of humor, knowledge, creativity. He thinks it's a shame that I'm so insecure. He's compared me to a fruit that is rich and sweet beneath the hard, thick shell. I could see why if you saw me as a shell with no center his forgivingness might be inexplicable. He's also a very kind, understanding person, so that's part of it. He's said that I make him extremely happy (when I'm not in insecure mode). People on here can be unduly harsh because they don't see the full person. I'm a hard person to get to know. Please don't reduce me to a caricature. When I try to understand the heart of a problem, I might sound like I'm caricaturing. Yet, I read what you just wrote (this post) and it makes complete sense in regards to the picture I have of you. I never doubt that you are a sweet, brilliant, artistic, sensitive person who is acutely aware that she is "messed up" right now, to quote your own words. I have to admit that your question as to whether or not we want you to keep us posted has me stomped. Most likely because for me, I think you should only post if it helps you. By now you know how unsettling LS can be - but I also believe you are one of the people who is really trying hard to work through her issues and who uses LS in a confessional yet transformative fashion. Maybe being confronted to opinions which can sometimes be harsh is helping you grow - and increasingly helping you to stop avoiding your problems. (ps, I was going to say, yesterday, that while I think you should start to focus on your strenghts, if you have to self-diagnose, go with avoidance personnality disorder.) Your question also has me stomped because, as much as I want to know what's going to happen, to be honest I think I question my own motives. I know I want to know because I do care for you (last night I was worried that we were being too harsh). I also want to know because I have no idea what's going to happen next, and frankly, your life is like a soap opera these days. So really, the question isn't whether we want to know. It's whether you want to keep sharing your life so openly on LS. I'm also really glad to know you will be seeking cognitive therapy and hoping to invest in your own creative pursuits. You have many strenghts Shadow - namely you're an incredible writer and a very perceptive person. I really wish you all the best.
Replicant Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Are you sure that's what your BF is thinking? By going on a date with his friend... and make no bones that is what this is... what message are you sending him? Do you think he is too dense to understand this? Believe me when I say that there are very few benefits to chasing rainbows like this, often its counter productive to personal growth. Most people here are trying to break down the potential consequences to her from all angles in pursuing this issue. It's one thing for her to contemplate what is needed to be done to better herself from advice given.At the same time also seeing just the plain 'wrong' in messing around with her boyfriends friend. While still wanting the benefits of having her present boyfriend at the emotional level in which he is needed at any given moment in time to her. At this point he sounds almost disposable, so why she drags things on is a more selfish/twisted aspect on her part. Like SG said, it seems almost like emotional S&M. Shadowplay cries wolf far too much. All this elaborate drama, in which she forces herself into fueled by her own insecurities. The mature route would be her accepting the fact she needs therapy and say thanks and move towards that and better relationship(s) in the future. But no, one can predict she will throw caution to the wind, carry on with this other guy and put herself in a mess. The events will basically prepare the drama queen for next weeks show.
Trialbyfire Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 My bf knows. I couldn't lie to him. He's not too happy about it but I think he's accepted it. He's like "Okay, if you really have to do it, go ahead." I think he's just afraid of losing me for good. If he knew that I would just see Sean once and nothing would come of it, he wouldn't be uncomfortable. This is an incredibly cruel experience to subject your b/f to, since both your b/f and you know that you want this guy badly. You said earlier that the reason you didn't want to ditch your b/f was that you felt guilty and didn't want to hurt him. I call complete and utter b/s.
spookie Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 This is an incredibly cruel experience to subject your b/f to, since both your b/f and you know that you want this guy badly. You said earlier that the reason you didn't want to ditch your b/f was that you felt guilty and didn't want to hurt him. I call complete and utter b/s. I agree. I'm not saying don't meet up with the other guy; but don't kid yourself that you're doing good by your bf by being honest with him. The right thing to do would be to end it.
Recommended Posts