I'm so miserable...

[Art_Critic]

Putting off making decisions usually means they get made FOR you.

I've always been one that feels decisions should be made quick and not procrastinated on.. of course an informed decision is the best but it isn't always about preparation..

Gut instinct plays a role too

 

I also believe that any decision can be undone simply by making another decision...so there are no wrong decisions...

Edited February 20, 2008 by Art_Critic
spelling

[Florida]

I've always been one that feels decisions should be made quick and not procrastinated on.. of course an informed decision is the best but it isn't always about preparation..

Gut instinct plays a role too

 

I also believe that any decision can be undone simply by making another decision...so there are no wrong decisions...

 

How do you do that? Mostly through feelings then? Can you explain more in detail ?

[Art_Critic]

How do you do that? Mostly through feelings? In the moment? Or away from the source after much thought?

 

I think being a boss has helped me do that.. I do it void of feelings ( or almost void of feelings ) but in the moment because you want things in your mind to be fresh.

 

I also have to remember to not over-think it.. sometimes you can over-thing things to the point where you are frozen and can't make decisions..

[Trialbyfire]

I think being a boss has helped me do that.. I do it void of feelings ( or almost void of feelings ) but in the moment because you want things in your mind to be fresh.

 

I also have to remember to not over-think it.. sometimes you can over-thing things to the point where you are frozen and can't make decisions..

That's exactly it. You step back and review the situation as if you're an observer. It's how I decision-make.

[Cobra_X30]

I guess what confuses me most is my paralysis about what to do. I'm so damn indecisive. Whenever I have the opportunity to go out with this guy, my conscience kicks in and lose my nerve. When I shut the door again, I want the opportunity back. How do I break out of this limbo?

 

That is fear Shadow. Fear holds your feet in place as the car bears down on you, because those 'what if's' run both ways. What if you give up the potential love of your life for a guy that treats you like dirt. What if you wake up in 10 years and your current BF is now your H and you just can't love him. What if.

 

It's nerdy, but let me give you the litany against fear.

 

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

 

Read it, repeat it. Maybe it will help build a mindset.

[Trialbyfire]

Frank Herbert would be proud!

[Cobra_X30]

No, I think that is one thing I will take to the grave. I am ashamed I even attempted that. I think I was so desperate to not break up with him but wanted to leave, I was fishing in the worst way. Plus, yes there was INSANE chemistry with this friend. I would get all hot being around him. Literally, my skin would heat up.

 

I've been that friend before. It's hard to make the right choice, and I am glad he was strong at a time when you where weak.

 

So many times a relationship will fail, not because of who your with, but because of who you are at the time your with them.

[Florida]

I've been that friend before. It's hard to make the right choice, and I am glad he was strong at a time when you where weak.

 

So many times a relationship will fail, not because of who your with, but because of who you are at the time your with them.

 

Cob- for clarification purposes, I was 20 at the time that was going on, which has different connotations then if I was much older.

 

I have to disagree that I was weak, as I made the DECISION to end it with that BF because I realized it was not right to continue if I could (secretly) feel that way for another.

 

That was my whole point in posting that, and I don't deal in hypotheticals, I really DON'T know what I would have done if his friend had returned my covert flirtations. In my and Shadow's case it signalled the beginning of the end. I COULD have stayed in that relationship, and pretended like I never had those thoughts, but I CHOSE not to, I really don't see what is weak about that.

 

I ended a relationship once I was honest with myself about what I was really doing. Please don't make me out to be something I'm not. I never sent the friend messages, or tried to get together with him or anything that implied active pursuit. It was mostly all in my mind, and I was being really stupid with wanting his attention, that is for certain.

 

I really don't think it is fair to be called weak for thoughts I had that were indicative of a growing apart. And yes, those thoughts did become actions in the sense that I wanted attention from his friend, but then end result was that I took that as the sign that it was, again, to make a DECISION to end it.

 

I really really don't want to start a hypothetical argument of what I MAY have done, who knows, I MAY and most likely have gotten scared if it came too close, like I said, it was mostly THOUGHTS in my MIND and I still would have ended it with the BF and avoided the friend because I did not want to hurt my (ex).

 

That was my whole point to Shadow, I've felt that feeling-and it meant it was over for me/the ex.

 

It is HARD to make a decision to let others have healthy relationships and don't drag them in the indecision just because they will go along. That is STRONG to do....

 

So Cobra I do disagree that it was weak of me, it would have been weak if I stayed and kept the flirting up, it would have been weak if I pretended it never happened and resumed the relationship knowing what I was thinking of. I didn't, and it was the hardest choice to make, ever.

Edited February 21, 2008 by Florida

[shadowplay]

Oh gosh, this is tough to admit, no one wants to think they are/were this way, then it happens. And you slog through the best you can. This was all with an ex, same thing as you, I could see myself getting married, the whole bit, and I felt I was not sure if he was the one. And it didn't help that every time we saw hung out with his friend, it was like going on a double date. Secretly, for me.

 

 

Honestly, I think I was inherently unsure of the strength of my feelings for the (ex). But I couldn't just leave. I was looking for a bridge relationship. Although I wasn't conscious of that. I just saw myself as a girl who loved her BF who also liked hanging out with his friend too much.

 

I thought that would satisfy me. I could get excitement fulfilled from seeing the friend at social occasions, and camping trips. And I could get constant love and security from my BF. Funny, the mind can be so tricky, so deep in denial.

 

The thing that kept me from going through with it was that quite frankly he would get rude and dismissive of me if I started horsing around too much. I always made it seem above board, so I could play it off, even to myself.

 

 

 

A bit, not so much. Like I would wear tight shirts and I would see him taking peeks, or I would sit too close to him, sometimes he would move or tell me to move, other times he wouldn't. I was always asking him questions about himself, like we were on a date. I read way too much into it, I wouldn't say it was mutual. Also, I sensed his alliance was with my (ex). Mostly it was me just being too excited when we all hung out. I thought maybe in another life, without that circumstance we met in. That was stupid childish thinking.

 

I really wish my BF had broken up with me, he did not deserve that. But he gave me so much leeway, he could never imagine I would be like that. Karmically, this all came back to me. Tenfold. I want you to know that.

 

 

 

 

No, I think that is one thing I will take to the grave. I am ashamed I even attempted that. I think I was so desperate to not break up with him but wanted to leave, I was fishing in the worst way. Plus, yes there was INSANE chemistry with this friend. I would get all hot being around him. Literally, my skin would heat up.

 

It was my 1st real relationship, I didn't know that excitment is garbage, it's all about the substance. Never take the excitement seriously. His friend treated girls really badly. But I was SURE I could be the one to make him fall in love with me.

 

At some point, I realized that if I could feel that inappropriate attraction, no matter if it killed me, I had to leave my BF. He did not need to be with a girl he thought was the beesknees but who could be so attracted to his friend she was flirting with him to, to waht-make him declare his love?

 

Honestly Shadow, I am so thankful he did not take me up on it. I probably would have betrayed my ex to start a relationship if I had the opportunity at the time. And it probably would have left me feeling suicidal and spent, I don't think I really have what it takes to do that without remorse, and you know what-I don't think you do either.

 

The thought of leaving my BF for his friend, I realize now, would have pushed him over the edge. I'm glad it did not have a chance to play out that way.

 

And as for his friend, I look back and see how distorted my thinking was. That guy never was and never could have been good for me.

 

My point is, I lost the thing I wanted to keep (my ex) because once those feelings are explored, even internally to the point where I would have switched over, something is lost, and you can't do both. I broke up with him, it was the hardest decision ever. I actually wondered if I could have both, in my fantasy land.

 

Now I'm all hardlined about not doing it, because having been on that side, I would never want to cause someone I purport to love and cherish the worst pain they will ever feel.

 

So, life is hard, I recommend you break up because if you really really cherished your BF Shadow, it wouldn't have gotten here.

 

Trust me, I know.

 

add-on: I would really caution you to disengage from friend completely NOW or break up with your BF while you figure things out, this will come back to you in really bad ways. If you want, I could explain, but I mean karma wise, which is hard to define. That's not a warning, it is true.

 

Thanks for your insight, Florida. I apologize for not responding earlier -- I've been really busy, but I always appreciate your wisdom.

 

I can relate completely to your feelings, especially the element of fantasy.

 

The odd thing is I don't even want a relationship with this guy. That's one of the sources of internal conflict. Because if I DID want a relationship with him, if I felt he might be "the one," and he would treat me well...I wouldn't have much hesitation about leaving my bf for him, at least not AS much as I do.

 

I don't want to throw away a possibly happy life with my bf. I like our relationship, despite its ups and downs. He treats me well, he has most of the traits I want in a partner, we have a good time together. He's not my ideal, I'll admit. But overall I could be happy with him as a permanent partner. He's the only guy I've been with whom I can honestly say that about. I'm worried another guy like him may not come around considering how socially isolated I am.

 

This other guy, Sean, offers something else to me -- an experience. The kind I missed out on as a teenager because I was so isolated. I want to be with someone, for even a moment, whom I'm feverishly attracted to. It's not a cheap thrill. It would be if I had had that kind of thrill before and was just rehashing the past, self destructively. But this is something I've never experienced, that most people have, before they settle down. I would feel unfufilled without it. I don't want to settle down with someone always to wonder "what if?"

 

I don't care if it's just a fck and run. To be just close to him for one night, peer into his eyes, run my hands through his hair. To experience first hand all the little idosyncracies of how a person is in the moment of total abandon that you can never quite predict. His unique expressions and sounds. I think that might be worth it to me. I wouldn't feel used (at least not completely) because I would have gotten that out of it. It might not mean anything to him, but it would to me.

 

Ideally my bf would satisfy the red hot chemistry need and the healthy relationship need, but he only satisfies one. Of course nothing is black and white. I won't reduce him to the dull but good-natured character in a romance novel whom the heroine dumps for the tattooed motorcycler. We do have good chemistry, so he does meet that need to some degree. It's just not enough. I believe that were I to have this experience with Sean, that need would go away for me.

 

Unfortunately, I probably can't have both.

Edited February 21, 2008 by shadowplay

[Florida]

Ah yes the yearning, it is quite hard to understand unless you've really been in it, feeling the pull day in day out trying to do the right thing, not knowing what the right thing is for you, him, the future.

 

For someone who proposes to be indecisive Shadow, you are quite sure about what you want to do. And seem awfully resilient and standing your ground in the face of all advice to the contrary. I ask this in the nicest way possible-what are you looking for here Shadow? Ariadne told you go for it, most posters said don't, most say break up first, avoid the friend, so..what's it going to be?

 

I think you will keep torturing your BF with the possibility of you going with his friend, not because you are terrible, but because you are thinking out loud, you cherish your fantasies and what ifs, and this will be the way your relationship plays out for years.

 

But the way it is going, just seems tragic and pointless.

 

Do you want that? You are creating it through the indecision. Look, if you want his friend and the experience, put your relationship on hold with BF. Then if he still wants you back, take it from there.

 

I am not going to coerce you, guilt you, etc. This is all I can say. I have been there, and GAWD it is difficult.

 

So you have these intense feelings-that doesn't make you bad. It is the subsequent decisions that will decide how you feel about yourself.

Edited February 21, 2008 by Florida

[Cobra_X30]

That was my whole point to Shadow, I've felt that feeling-and it meant it was over for me/the ex.

 

It is HARD to make a decision to let others have healthy relationships and don't drag them in the indecision just because they will go along. That is STRONG to do....

 

So Cobra I do disagree that it was weak of me, it would have been weak if I stayed and kept the flirting up, it would have been weak if I pretended it never happened and resumed the relationship knowing what I was thinking of. I didn't, and it was the hardest choice to make, ever.

 

I think maybe weak was a poor choice of words here. I apologize for that.

 

You ended the relationship and did not persue the friend further. That takes strength and conviction, I recognize that.

 

I've been in the situation where a friends GF wanted to hook up with me. Each time it was a complete disaster despite the fact that nothing ever happened. Not to say I know how Shadow's Captain Cokehead feels... he is actually doing the chasing in this case, which puts it in a different category.

 

Here is the way I see it. There are times in your life when your not ready for the right person. You may meet them, everything clicks, but you just feel something missing because your not really ready.

 

Maybe that's not what happened in your situation, but I've had this happen to me. I'm pretty sure that I dumped some girls that would have been perfect for me, but I was 20 at the time and I just don't think I was at the right point in my life for that.

 

Does that make sense? Cause that was what I really wanted to convey... not trying to call you weak.

[Cobra_X30]

I don't care if it's just a fck and run. To be just close to him for one night, peer into his eyes, run my hands through his hair. To experience first hand all the little idosyncracies of how a person is in the moment of total abandon that you can never quite predict. His unique expressions and sounds. I think that might be worth it to me. I wouldn't feel used (at least not completely) because I would have gotten that out of it. It might not mean anything to him, but it would to me.

 

Ideally my bf would satisfy the red hot chemistry need and the healthy relationship need, but he only satisfies one. Of course nothing is black and white. I won't reduce him to the dull but good-natured character in a romance novel whom the heroine dumps for the tattooed motorcycler. We do have good chemistry, so he does meet that need to some degree. It's just not enough. I believe that were I to have this experience with Sean, that need would go away for me.

 

Unfortunately, I probably can't have both.

 

No, you really can't have both. At least not with two different guys at once.

 

I think you need to sit down and think about where this 'red hot chemistry' comes from. What makes this guy so attractive to you?

 

Is it a sense of danger? Excitement?

[Trialbyfire]

Oh for crying out loud, shadow. You can have both red hot chemistry and a loving relationship. Stop hanging onto someone who you're settling for and making both of you miserable in the process. Move on and find someone who does it all for you.

[Storyrider]

I believe that were I to have this experience with Sean, that need would go away for me.

 

Why do you think the need will go away? If you sleep with him and he turns you on, you will only want him more and feel more dissatisfied with your bf. If you don't enjoy yourself you will start searching for someone else to fulfill what he did not.

 

I think you are just too young (in the relationship game) to settle down. Maybe your bf is the right guy, but it is absolutely the wrong time. You're not ready to be monogamous.

[shadowplay]

Do you guys think it's possible I suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I just reread the entry about it on wikipedia, and I fit a lot of the traits. I'm not sure if I fit them to the extreme that would categorize it as a disorder, though.

[Kamille]

I think the 'red hot' feelings you have are about the fact that you don't actually control the friend as much as you control your bf. By now, your bf has developed a routine where he responds to your insecurities. You even know that all you need to do is pull back a little for him to show more fervor. When he tries to set boundaries, you tell him it's proof he doesn't love you. In other words, I think you are losing respect for your boyfriend.

 

But this other guy? You think you could never control him. And deep down that's what you are looking for. Someone who will make you grow by not cattering to your every insecurities. I'm not saying this guy is the wisest choice for that (in fact I agree the fact he would even act on the proposition sounds shady, I don't care what kind of sensual energy emanates from him).

 

I think your indecision is linked to your own insecurities. You have let your fear and insecurities guide your actions in the past and in a way, they offer you comfort. You can even use them, and your own perception of yourself as someone who is fragile, to manipulate people. You have asked for your boyfriend over and over again to catter to them.

 

Your boyfriend is learning to live with them - perhaps learning to challenge them - but surely not enough.

 

Deep down, you want to be free of your insecurities. And that's why you're lured by someone who will most likely not take them into account.

 

That's also why Florida and others are telling you it's an incredibly mined terrain. You say you don't think it would affect your self-esteem to be used for sex by him? I find it hard to believe you. But then again maybe you are right and maybe what you need for your own growth is some sexual experimentation.

 

But most importantly, I hope you are aware of the impact of your indecision on your boyfriend. I sometimes fear that you are damaging his self-esteem. Do you think you might be?

[Kamille]

Do you guys think it's possible I suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I just reread the entry about it on wikipedia, and I fit a lot of the traits. I'm not sure if I fit them to the extreme that would categorize it as a disorder, though.

 

I just read through and from how you present yourself here, I don't think it quite fits Shadow. For instance, I have never seen you demonstrate a sense of entitlement, and you don't strike me as someone who thinks of herself as grandiose.

 

I'm not sure I agree with your reflex to look for a pathology. I would rather see you move towards taking responsibility for your actions and their consequences. The search for the disorder sounds like a cop out. Again, you are perceiving yourself as weak and fragile instead of responsible and empowered.

[Cobra_X30]

I think the 'red hot' feelings you have are about the fact that you don't actually control the friend as much as you control your bf. By now, your bf has developed a routine where he responds to your insecurities. You even know that all you need to do is pull back a little for him to show more fervor. When he tries to set boundaries, you tell him it's proof he doesn't love you. In other words, I think you are losing respect for your boyfriend.

 

But this other guy? You think you could never control him. And deep down that's what you are looking for. Someone who will make you grow by not cattering to your every insecurities.

 

Are you sure? I think it's her perception of this guys lifestyle and fantasy about his personality that drive her attraction to him. But that's just a guess. I mean really the only person who can answer that is Shadow.

 

I know your not advocating this, but if your correct and this is all about the current BF not being a challenge... that's not really a good reason.

 

Never expect others to make up for your failings. If you require someone else to control your insecurities... well that's kind of pathetic, and I think a stronger man will realize how pathetic that is and not respect it. - Not that I think Shadow is this way!

[BlueEyedGirl]

I think the main problem here is Shadowplay's need to create drama. At first there were weekly threads about how BF doesn't really love her, then how he doesn't love her deeply enough, and now that she thinks both are true she needs to create something else (the friend) to keep things exciting. Shadowplay strikes me as someone who has a very empty life and needs the drama to fill the void. Then she uses LS to prolong the drama and get attention by posting countless threads.

 

It's funny how she notices that when she pulls away, the BF is more loving and yet fails to notice exactly the same behavioural patterns in herself. Once she doubts her BF's love, she is suddenly sure that she loves him more than ever and doesn't even mention the friend.

 

As for the "red hot chemistry" with the friend, I don't buy it at all. Again, she just needs the attention and is loving the fact that both men seem interested (although Sean guy sounds like a sleaze with no morals who has found an opportunity for an easy screw). The whole amazing chemistry bit is all in her head.

 

I want to express my condelences to her BF. If he ends up marrying her she will make his life hell.

[Kamille]

Are you sure? I think it's her perception of this guys lifestyle and fantasy about his personality that drive her attraction to him. But that's just a guess. I mean really the only person who can answer that is Shadow.

 

I know your not advocating this, but if your correct and this is all about the current BF not being a challenge... that's not really a good reason.

 

Never expect others to make up for your failings. If you require someone else to control your insecurities... well that's kind of pathetic, and I think a stronger man will realize how pathetic that is and not respect it. - Not that I think Shadow is this way!

 

I think what isn't clear in my original post and on which point we both agree is that in the end, nobody but Shadow will be able to take responsibility for her fears and insecurities. Right now, the friend, the self-diagnosis, the measurments of love are all her ways of avoiding taking responsibility for herself, her own feelings and her own emotions. She's feeding the insecurities and fears instead of confronting them. Obviously (and subconciously) these fears and insecurities are helping her acheive something but I think she is also feeling the limits of them.

 

She subconsciouisly wants to break free of the insecurity-control dynamic that is part of her relationship, and projecting herself as a 'fearless' individual onto the friend. Yet she wants to avoid taking responsibility for this dynamic because she also finds comfort in her relationship, one that catters to her fears.

 

The friend has very little to do with it. I even wonder if he isn't pushing the enveloppe to see what kind of person Shadow is. I am very suspicious of his motives. The boyfriend has more to do with it because he is trying his best to be supportive of Shadow, but until she confronts her own fears (of being alone), there isn't much he can do.

Edited February 21, 2008 by Kamille

[Florida]

I've always been one that feels decisions should be made quick and not procrastinated on.. of course an informed decision is the best but it isn't always about preparation..

Gut instinct plays a role too

 

I also believe that any decision can be undone simply by making another decision...so there are no wrong decisions...

 

That's exactly it. You step back and review the situation as if you're an observer. It's how I decision-make.

 

Does that make sense? Cause that was what I really wanted to convey... not trying to call you weak.

 

no problem cobra

 

Oh for crying out loud, shadow. You can have both red hot chemistry and a loving relationship. Stop hanging onto someone who you're settling for and making both of you miserable in the process. Move on and find someone who does it all for you.

 

I think you are just too young (in the relationship game) to settle down. Maybe your bf is the right guy, but it is absolutely the wrong time. You're not ready to be monogamous.

 

Do you guys think it's possible I suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I just reread the entry about it on wikipedia, and I fit a lot of the traits. I'm not sure if I fit them to the extreme that would categorize it as a disorder, though.

 

I don't think you are NPD, but since you asked-I do think you have emotional vampire tendencies. Just look at your threads, and the dynamics you create. A lot of attention and effort is centered around you, almost constantly. And while it works short term, it does drain others. Then again, some people like that. It just is the way it is.

 

In other words, I think you are losing respect for your boyfriend.

 

But this other guy? You think you could never control him. And deep down that's what you are looking for. Someone who will make you grow by not cattering to your every insecurities. I'm not saying this guy is the wisest choice for that (in fact I agree the fact he would even act on the proposition sounds shady, I don't care what kind of sensual energy emanates from him).

 

Deep down, you want to be free of your insecurities. And that's why you're lured by someone who will most likely not take them into account.

 

That's also why Florida and others are telling you it's an incredibly mined terrain. You say you don't think it would affect your self-esteem to be used for sex by him? I find it hard to believe you. But then again maybe you are right and maybe what you need for your own growth is some sexual experimentation.

 

But most importantly, I hope you are aware of the impact of your indecision on your boyfriend. I sometimes fear that you are damaging his self-esteem. Do you think you might be?

 

I think the main problem here is Shadowplay's need to create drama. At first there were weekly threads about how BF doesn't really love her, then how he doesn't love her deeply enough, and now that she thinks both are true she needs to create something else (the friend) to keep things exciting. Shadowplay strikes me as someone who has a very empty life and needs the drama to fill the void. Then she uses LS to prolong the drama and get attention by posting countless threads.

 

It's funny how she notices that when she pulls away, the BF is more loving and yet fails to notice exactly the same behavioural patterns in herself. Once she doubts her BF's love, she is suddenly sure that she loves him more than ever and doesn't even mention the friend.

 

As for the "red hot chemistry" with the friend, I don't buy it at all. Again, she just needs the attention and is loving the fact that both men seem interested (although Sean guy sounds like a sleaze with no morals who has found an opportunity for an easy screw). The whole amazing chemistry bit is all in her head.

 

I want to express my condelences to her BF. If he ends up marrying her she will make his life hell.

 

The friend has very little to do with it. I even wonder if he isn't pushing the enveloppe to see what kind of person Shadow is. I am very suspicious of his motives. The boyfriend has more to do with it because he is trying his best to be supportive of Shadow, but until she confronts her own fears (of being alone), there isn't much he can do.

 

I bid you all farewell , I must take an LS break to get back into my own life and not procrastinate. Adieu for now LS'ers. Those post above are gold, Shadow.

[Ariadne]

....................................

Edited February 22, 2008 by Ariadne

[dropdeadlegs]

You're not NPD, you're simply a drama queen. Some people just aren't happy (ie: unhappy enough) unless there is a sufficient amount of drama in their lives.

 

I predict you will fck the friend and create yet more drama. Your next thread will then be about how worthless you feel about yourself for doing so.

 

As as far as self esteem. all three of you rank in the negative digits

 

Fck the friend, dump the BF, and get thyself to a qualified therapist pronto. Any layman can see the outcome.

 

Love means not desiring to fck his friend. You have no idea what love is right now, and frankly, neither does your BF. For him it's a competition. It's the same for the friend.

 

Better yet, get rid of both guys and just take care of yourself (therapy) without digging a deeper hole for your self esteem.

 

No, I didn't read every post.

[Ariadne]

As for the "red hot chemistry" with the friend, I don't buy it at all. Again, she just needs the attention and is loving the fact that both men seem interested...The whole amazing chemistry bit is all in her head.

 

That was an excellent post BEG.

 

I do believe that's she's "feverishly attracted" to the friend.

 

But she has made him to be this sort of black knight, the alluring and mysterious bad guy with a touch of sweetness, or whatever she made him up to be in her head.

 

I think that if she ever goes out with that guy on a date most likely she's going to be disappointed when she sees that the guy is just a normal guy. And it's going to be impossible for him to live up to all the fantasy she made around him.

 

Also, I agree with you about the bf. God bless his heart if he marries SP.

[shadowplay]

I think the main problem here is Shadowplay's need to create drama. At first there were weekly threads about how BF doesn't really love her, then how he doesn't love her deeply enough, and now that she thinks both are true she needs to create something else (the friend) to keep things exciting. Shadowplay strikes me as someone who has a very empty life and needs the drama to fill the void. Then she uses LS to prolong the drama and get attention by posting countless threads.

 

It's funny how she notices that when she pulls away, the BF is more loving and yet fails to notice exactly the same behavioural patterns in herself. Once she doubts her BF's love, she is suddenly sure that she loves him more than ever and doesn't even mention the friend.

 

As for the "red hot chemistry" with the friend, I don't buy it at all. Again, she just needs the attention and is loving the fact that both men seem interested (although Sean guy sounds like a sleaze with no morals who has found an opportunity for an easy screw). The whole amazing chemistry bit is all in her head.

 

I want to express my condelences to her BF. If he ends up marrying her she will make his life hell.

 

I agree with some of your points, yet you miss the mark. I actually find drama rather painful. It's more of an obsessive thing where I binge on doubt to stave off uncertainty. Sounds paradoxical. My boyfriend compared it to emotional "cutting." I indulge every last doubt because I fear blindness and having the rug pulled out from under me. Better to prepare for the worst, according to my logic. Drama is the fallout, not the objective.

 

I do use my relationship with my bf, and probably LS, to avoid. (And I know I'm not the only one.) I'm less of a drama queen than a master of procrastination. There are many things I've been avoiding, though I've improved quite a bit since last year. Now I at least have a job, some direction, and I'm finishing up school.

 

My life is empty of friendship, and I avoid the creative pursuits that make me happy because they also lead to frustation (painting and drawing for example). I'm talented at a fair number of things, but tend to avoid developing my talents because I fear failure.

 

I was actually thinking of starting a thread about just that in the self improvement section. It would be more productive at least than this one is.

 

EDIT: Just in my self defence -- the way I come across on here is skewed toward reflecting one (negative) aspect of my personality as I sometimes use LS as an insecurity dumping ground.

 

My bf sees the complete picture, and that's why puts up with me, because, believe it or not, I do have a lot of positive traits that don't come through here. It's when I'm happy and joking around that he loves me most. The things he always mentions that he loves about me have nothing to do with my insecure side -- my sweetness, intelligence, reflectiveness, depth, adventurousness, sense of humor, knowledge, creativity. He thinks it's a shame that I'm so insecure.

 

He's compared me to a fruit that is rich and sweet beneath the hard, thick shell. I could see why if you saw me as a shell with no center his forgivingness might be inexplicable. He's also a very kind, understanding person, so that's part of it. He's said that I make him extremely happy (when I'm not in insecure mode).

 

People on here can be unduly harsh because they don't see the full person. I'm a hard person to get to know. Please don't reduce me to a caricature.

Edited February 22, 2008 by shadowplay