Author shadowplay Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 (edited) With the things your boyfriend has said to you (from what you've quoted) i cannot believe he okay such a thing!? I think if this goes down it'll not only crack this relationship wide open but validate to your boyfriend what you think of him, that and drive a wedge between him and his friend for good. Regardless of how he's downplaying it all. He's gone back and forth in terms of his okayness with it. He felt better when I told him he was free to sleep with other girls because it meant there wasn't a double standard. Even though he claims he doesn't want any other girls right now, he at least has the option on principal. I don't know where he is at this point. I could tell him matter of factly that his friend emailed me, without saying what I thought about it, and see how he reacts. Frankly, I wouldn't mind having an open relationship, but I don't know how he feels. I care about him but I also want more experience, so an open relationship would be ideal. Edited February 18, 2008 by shadowplay
Florida Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 He's gone back and forth in terms of his okayness with it. He felt better when I told him he was free to sleep with other girls because it meant there wasn't a double standard. Even though he claims he doesn't want any other girls right now, he at least has the option on principal. I don't know where he is at this point. I could tell him matter of factly that his friend emailed me, without saying what I thought about it, and see how he reacts. Frankly, I wouldn't mind having an open relationship, but I don't know how he feels. I care about him but I also want more experience, so an open relationship would be ideal. That's honest. I won't tell you not to, if you are so drawn to it. What do you envision happening with the friend? Do you want more than just the physical? Will you be prepared if it just turns out to be sex, nothing more? Do you want some romance to come out of this with the friend? I just want you to think it through, look at all the outcomes, realistically. It's possible the friend will fall madly in love, but more likely he will screw and tell with your Bf, your BF will -well : who knows. What are you hoping for here?
Replicant Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I think your boyfriend is being more passive and cat and mouse tactics about the whole thing, sort of like whatever makes you happy waiting to see if you act on it, then the action redeems what he thinks best of you (or validates what he fears worst of you). The best that can come from this is you move into a relationship with his friend and your boyfriend actually accepts this, worst case it's just sex and he walks away wanting nothing more. Then both of them turn their back on you and each other.
Star Gazer Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Shadow - why the heck is this guy even asking you out? You're his FRIEND's GF, regardless of the fact your BF has okayed it. He can't possibly be seeking you out for anything but some torrid, we-shouldn't-be-doing-this sex. I mean, no decent man would honestly do this. Is forbidden sex alone worth the relationship with your BF??
Author shadowplay Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Okay, this just took a weird turn. I told my bf about the email. He said he spoke to my friend early this evening about the whole thing and basically said he wanted me to be faithful. The friend said he would feel the same way and understood. But his friend sent me the email, asking me out, twenty minutes after my bf left his house and they had this talk. I can't figure out what's going on. I wonder if his friend is trying to bait me so he can show to my bf how unfaithful I am? It's really weird. My bf doesn't get it either.
Art_Critic Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I wonder if his friend is trying to bait me so he can show to my bf how unfaithful I am? That would be my guess.. as long as your BF is in the loop then anything the friend will try will look bad for him and your BF will just wind up trusting you more....
Ariadne Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 He said we could meet up in the city and go out for dinner and see some live music. I am so, so tempted guys. It's sick. No, shadow. It's not sick. You like that guy. Is not like you are tied up to your bf forever and ever. If you are having so many doubts and feel so attracted to the friend, go see him and see what happens. The more you repress this the worse is going to get and your crush will just keep growing. It happens. You got lucky now that he asked you out, you've been wanting this. No need to be afraid.
Trialbyfire Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Games, games, games shadow. Why is the grass always greener? You either want your b/f or not. Make up your mind before he gets completely screwed. If you can't make up your mind, you're not committed to him emotionally. Move on.
Ariadne Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 basically said he wanted me to be faithful. The friend said he would feel the same way and understood. But his friend sent me the email, asking me out, twenty minutes after my bf left his house My impression is that your bf is really pissed with this, has the hots for you, and is trying to manipulate his friend not to ask you out and putting pressure. That's why after he left the friend rebelled. The same way he is trying to manipulate you with this crap: He is so sweet. He really deserves better than me. He told me that he was writing a song about me, about the expression I make when we wake up together in bed and I cover everything but my eyes beneath the covers. Oh please, give me a break.. Now, the friend might turn out to be another pimp. I'd say there's a big chance.
Little Shy Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 You are currently be called to the Dark Side...Don't do it, don't go to the Dark Side! The Dark Side is what I affectionately refer to as "giving in" to our secret fantasies about exploring the sexual unknown, and sexual deviant for the risk, thrill, and ultimately destruction it causes in our own lives. Unfortunately, I have learned, that playing on the Dark Side is usually an extremely short termed thrill that leaves your self esteem in tatters. It will scare you what you can be capable of when you follow your impulses and go for it. Stay away from the Dark Side and this guy who wants you to go there with him. Your boyfriend represents good, and could likely draw out the best in you. What you are attracted to in the addict, cutter, friend, is all the disfunction that you see within yourself. He will only draw more of this out of you. Then he'll leave you in a heap in the corner and you will feel like a used up, stupid, cheap hooker. Trust me, I have had your options, and been in a similar position as yours before.
oppath Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 The same way he is trying to manipulate you with this crap: He is so sweet. He really deserves better than me. He told me that he was writing a song about me, about the expression I make when we wake up together in bed and I cover everything but my eyes beneath the covers. Oh please, give me a break.. It's not manipulative just because Denver guy didn't do those things for you. I for one NOTICE the little things like that, the eyes all that is not beneath the covers, and within a relationship I point them out. Shadow, I have to agree with TBF. Either you are emotionally with your boyfriend or you are not. My question is: do you want his friend because you are somehow compelled towards an "open relationship," or deep down, do you really just want to test the waters with this guy and will dump your boyfriend if you do feel a connection? I don't think it's an open relationship you seek because I think you aren't all that emotionally committed to your bf, despite caring and having love for him, and that if the friend was a better option, you'd jump ship. That is not an open relationship. In an open relationship, you'd still be 100% committed to your boyfriend and no matter what the appeal to his friend, even if you had sex, the emotional commitment to your bf would not waver. I know you feel a connection with his friend, but deep down, what are your true motives? You strike me as the type of woman who wants a wonderful, traditional, monogamous relationship -- not the open relationship type -- and I really feel you think the grass may be more green with friend, and if proven so, you'd drop your current bf.
Trialbyfire Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 shadow, it doesn't matter what your b/f and his "friend" are doing. What matters is how you handle yourself because you'll have to live with your own behaviour. Everyone needs to have respect for themselves. The more indulgent behaviour you accord yourself, the more reason to disrespect yourself. Stop it NOW!
Replicant Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 No, shadow. It's not sick. You like that guy. Is not like you are tied up to your bf forever and ever. If you are having so many doubts and feel so attracted to the friend, go see him and see what happens. The more you repress this the worse is going to get and your crush will just keep growing. It happens. You got lucky now that he asked you out, you've been wanting this. No need to be afraid. You know you are playing the devil's advocate in encouraging her to totally degrade herself when you should already know shadow is far from stability with her own problems let alone in this relationships constant positives and negatives. Though you encourage her to walk into something that's going to create tension between all parties involved??? I can definitely see this advice does not come from experience on your part, but more sadistic bitterness.
Timberlane Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Games, games, games shadow. Why is the grass always greener? You either want your b/f or not. Make up your mind before he gets completely screwed. If you can't make up your mind, you're not committed to him emotionally. Move on. I concur. And I'll add that the guy you are inexplicably attracted to sounds like a dull loser.
Star Gazer Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I can definitely see this advice does not come from experience on your part, but more sadistic bitterness. I agree, and she knows it. Ariadne likes to lead others astray so that they end up as unhappy as she is.
Ariadne Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 You know you are playing the devil's advocate in encouraging her to totally degrade herself when you should already know shadow is far from stability with her own problems let alone in this relationships constant positives and negatives. Though you encourage her to walk into something that's going to create tension between all parties involved??? I can definitely see this advice does not come from experience on your part, but more sadistic bitterness. No, You are the one that has been condescending with shadow. She can love whomever she wants. She doesn't have alliances with anybody. This is a free world.
Ariadne Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I agree, and she knows it. Ariadne likes to lead others astray so that they end up as unhappy as she is. Whenever I give advice is free of any noise. You can be clear about that.
Author shadowplay Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 The friend (his name is Sean) emailed me again and said that he wants to take me to a fancy restaurant and then to a show. I don't why he's turning this into a date. My understanding is we would just be hanging out casually. My bf knows about the whole thing but Sean doesn't know that he knows. I haven't made any commitment yet. I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable about it, especially seeing how Sean is going behind my bf's back. I swear to God the more ambivalence I show toward my bf, the more he loves me. I'm not trying to manipulate him, but that's the end result. Every time I see him he's more ardent. Last night he said I'm his favorite person in the whole world, expressed the desire to be inseparable from me for an entire week some time, and brought up marriage yet again. I don't get it. Are all people like this? It makes me sad that when I really wanted him to love me he didn't feel the same passion. Is it a case of intermittent reinforcement due to my constant flip flopping?
Florida Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 (edited) I swear to God the more ambivalence I show toward my bf, the more he loves me. I'm not trying to manipulate him, but that's the end result. Every time I see him he's more ardent. Last night he said I'm his favorite person in the whole world, expressed the desire to be inseparable from me for an entire week some time, and brought up marriage yet again. I don't get it. Are all people like this? No, I'm taking a guess, but I assume the majority are not. At the first mention of interest in the friend, it normally should have caused irreperable damage leading to a fast break up. It makes me sad that when I really wanted him to love me he didn't feel the same passion. Is it a case of intermittent reinforcement due to my constant flip flopping? No, it is not IR any longer because this is way beyond flip flopping. One of the most painful things a person can ever experience is giving their all, and still being rejected for another competitor. It is tantamount to proving all the insecurities lying dormant and every dark fear confirming "you are cr#p, you are worthless". In addition to the pain of a break up and the dashing of expectations on top of that. The potential for emotional devastation if he is rejected by you for another is looming on the horizon, he wants to avoid that pain and will do anything to keep it from happening. Wooing you and proving he is better seems to be his chosen course of action, for now. Edited February 20, 2008 by Florida
Ariadne Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 My bf knows about the whole thing but Sean doesn't know that he knows. I haven't made any commitment yet. I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable about it, especially seeing how Sean is going behind my bf's back. They are probably in bad terms already. Your bf doesn't want to lose you, also, by staying all day with you the whole week he'd have more control about you not going out with S. Good luck either way. (Hey, at least is very exciting)
Ariadne Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I swear to God the more ambivalence I show toward my bf, the more he loves me... Every time I see him he's more ardent. Is it a case of intermittent reinforcement due to my constant flip flopping? Even though I didn't think your bf was in love with you, or true love, he seemed more like a player to me all the way. With this that happened, especially if you go out with the friend, I'd say that there's a big chance that he'd become obsessed with you. He's been obsessed with other people before and he was sexually very attracted to you. You were his. Also because of the fact that you never really opened up with him and remained mysterious. It can be another trigger for him to become obsessed.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 The friend (his name is Sean) emailed me again and said that he wants to take me to a fancy restaurant and then to a show. I don't why he's turning this into a date. My understanding is we would just be hanging out casually. My bf knows about the whole thing but Sean doesn't know that he knows. I haven't made any commitment yet. I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable about it, especially seeing how Sean is going behind my bf's back. Personally, I can't really see the reason for an attraction to this guy. He acts extremely scuzzy. Communicating with this guy should leave a bad taste in your mouth. Honestly... for someone who wants to be loved... how do you think this guy sees you? What do you believe he feels for you? I ask because your statements make me think your brain is off in fantasy land. I swear to God the more ambivalence I show toward my bf, the more he loves me. I'm not trying to manipulate him, but that's the end result. Every time I see him he's more ardent. Last night he said I'm his favorite person in the whole world, expressed the desire to be inseparable from me for an entire week some time, and brought up marriage yet again. I don't get it. Are all people like this? It makes me sad that when I really wanted him to love me he didn't feel the same passion. Is it a case of intermittent reinforcement due to my constant flip flopping? I don't think that is the case. More than likely he is doing this to make you happy, because he perceives that this is what you want. Internally, your flip flopping is probably killing his love for you. It will make it harder and harder for him to act as you need him to. Your valentines day debacle is a perfect example. Do you want to be unlovable?
Ariadne Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Internally, your flip flopping is probably killing his love for you. This guy never had a true love for her. He is of the sociopathic type in my opinion. (I wonder if shadow's mom ever suggested this to her) Now that she is attracted to the friend he must be really pissed and boiling inside. You know how they are, they want to be in control and they treasure their possessions. He is just trying to remain in control. He might become obsessed, but in the way sociopaths become obsessed. My take anyway, I may be wrong.
Trialbyfire Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 The friend (his name is Sean) emailed me again and said that he wants to take me to a fancy restaurant and then to a show. I don't why he's turning this into a date. My understanding is we would just be hanging out casually. My bf knows about the whole thing but Sean doesn't know that he knows. I haven't made any commitment yet. I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable about it, especially seeing how Sean is going behind my bf's back.The impression I'm getting is that you're getting a cheap thrill from this. Shut it down, shadow, one way or the other. I swear to God the more ambivalence I show toward my bf, the more he loves me. I'm not trying to manipulate him, but that's the end result. Every time I see him he's more ardent. Last night he said I'm his favorite person in the whole world, expressed the desire to be inseparable from me for an entire week some time, and brought up marriage yet again. I don't get it. Are all people like this? It makes me sad that when I really wanted him to love me he didn't feel the same passion. Is it a case of intermittent reinforcement due to my constant flip flopping? Do you realize your own hypocrisy? You wanted him to love you, when you felt he didn't, although I disagree that he didn't, more like this was your own lack of self-esteem that caused you to feel uncertainty. Now that he is showing you how much he appreciates you, you continue to rubber band on him. I think this gives you a feeling of power and control, playing both men. Your conscience is telling you not to do this and yet, there's the illicit thrill of making two men compete. Grow up shadow. This isn't good for you. Continue this way and your self-respect/self-esteem will take a helluva beating.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 This guy never had a true love for her. He is of the sociopathic type in my opinion. (I wonder if shadow's mom ever suggested this to her) Now that she is attracted to the friend he must be really pissed and boiling inside. You know how they are, they want to be in control and they treasure their possessions. He is just trying to remain in control. He might become obsessed, but in the way sociopaths become obsessed. My take anyway, I may be wrong. Interestingly I kind of agree with you... to a point. I think he is someone that is not really in touch with his emotions. Not a sociopath so much as someone who has trouble understanding his feelings. I believe it more likely that the attraction to the friend makes him afraid, not angry. That anger will come later. He is trying to control the situation the best way he knows how. I can't fault him for that.
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