bones1 Posted February 15, 2008 Share Posted February 15, 2008 I am back from 2 months in Brazil..I am 32. While I was there, I met a girl that I started seeing and developed feelings for. She is also 32. We were bascially inseperable for a month, but also had arguements about jealousy,(her jealousy), and other things of that nature. She has a Visa to come, and wants to visit next month. She would be staying with me. Have any of you had a situation like this? She explained her behavior by saying she never really felt secure while we were dating, as I was leaving, she thought I might have just been having fun, etc. Has anyone else been conflicted in this way? Really liking someone, but also scared about potential arguements, fights, etc. At this point I am not sure if I should invite her or not. I do not want to miss out on someone potentially special, but I also do not want to feel trapped in a bad situation.. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted February 15, 2008 Share Posted February 15, 2008 She has a Visa to come, and wants to visit next month. She would be staying with me... At this point I am not sure if I should invite her or not. I do not want to miss out on someone potentially special, but I also do not want to feel trapped in a bad situation.. How long is she planning on visiting? Why are you worried about being trapped? She'll be going home at some point, won't she? Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
Author bones1 Posted February 15, 2008 Author Share Posted February 15, 2008 I suppose I mean trapped in that she is staying at my place, where as before we lived at seperate places. Link to post Share on other sites
HisLove Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 I would think it's a perfect opportunity to see what she's really like. Make sure you are meticulous with birth control - or you could find you are tied to her for the rest of your life. Just hate to see you used as a meal ticket. Sorry if that sounds harsh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bones1 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Share Posted February 16, 2008 Yes, I agree about the birth control. The funny thing is her family is very wealthy, and she has a great lifestyle where she currently resides. However, she is an only child, and seems to be spoiled a bit as well as jealous. I suppose I have lived alone for years, and I also feel pressure to make sure she is having fun, comfortable etc, as she is going from a condo on the beach in Rio de Janiero,(a much more exciting city) to an urban condo in Atlanta. Our life consisted of going to the beach everyday, going out at night etc, and now it would be more of a real life situation, in that I work everyday, less places to go etc. I explained this to her, and she liked the idea, but for some reason I feel as though I do not know what her and I would do everyday and night, or what she would have to do while I am at work.. Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 OK firstly I'm sorry I need to point this out but... LTR = long term relationship LDR = long distance relationsihp I think you meant LDR Were you in Brazil on vacation or work? It makes a big difference because if you were working, it was more like your regular every day life, but if you were on vacation - you are totally different. Generally people are more laid back and easy going on vacation. I think it is an excellent idea for her to come visit. I understand that it is frightening to committ to having someone stay with you - but when in an LDR you need to make the most of the little time you actually have together. Having her come visit will allow both of you to see how you get along during YOUR regular life, you've already experience HER regular life. Hey good luck with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bones1 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Share Posted February 16, 2008 My apologies, I did mean LDR.. When I was there I was on vacation, that was slightly business related... So lets just say vacation.. That is one concern, the change of lifestyle, and the second is the change of her surroundings.. And third, it seems to be a big step to actually live together, after only a month.. I am guessing she wants to stay for atleast a month or 2.. Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 UGH someone planning on spending that long with me would freak me out too. But it's the only way you two are going to see if what you had in Brazil is real. If things don't go well - she can always go home. As far as things to do - Atlanta is only boring to you because you live there! I'm the same about NYC - but I am sure there are millions of things to do. Plus spending quiet evenings alone will help your relationship a lot - just make sure to plan both evenings out and time at home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bones1 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Share Posted February 16, 2008 Thanks for the advice.. She also finds Rio to be boring, lol... So that makes sense.. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 her family is very wealthy, and she has a great lifestyle where she currently resides. However, she is an only child, and seems to be spoiled a bit as well as jealous. ... Our life consisted of going to the beach everyday, going out at night etc, and now it would be more of a real life situation, in that I work everyday, less places to go etc. I explained this to her, and she liked the idea, but for some reason I feel as though I do not know what her and I would do everyday and night, or what she would have to do while I am at work.. I'm with you...this spells disaster, in my opinion. However, it should very quickly clear up whether you two are good together or not. If she is a spoiled rich girl, then there's no way she'll hide any of her feelings if she's bored an demands that you entertain her. And if she's not really spoiled and jealous but was only insecure because of your departure, then that will be obvious as well. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 However, she is an only child, and seems to be spoiled a bit as well as jealous... She explained her behavior by saying she never really felt secure while we were dating, as I was leaving, she thought I might have just been having fun, etc. I don't think her behavior was out of line. You're essentially in Brazil on holiday, meet this girl, spend nearly a month with her 24/7 and then return home to your own life. Don't be offended, but I can understand how she was wondering whether she was just a "one-month-stand," so I wouldn't necessarily brand her as overly "jealous" just because she was unsure where she stood with you. That is one concern, the change of lifestyle, and the second is the change of her surroundings.. And third, it seems to be a big step to actually live together, after only a month.. I am guessing she wants to stay for atleast a month or 2.. If I were you, I'd talk about this (how long she's staying) BEFORE she comes to visit, and I'd be tempted to say a month's time would be perfectly sufficient at this stage of the game. For most people involved in a LDR, a lack of finances usually dictates how often the two can get together. From what you've written, it sounds like money is not a problem for her. IOW she has the means to visit you more often than others may be able to afford -- so if the two of you truly do hit it off when she visits, it's not like she won't be able to afford a return trip for another year -- PLUS it's always better to leave wanting more, rather than counting the minutes until someone leaves! ...I explained this to her, and she liked the idea, but for some reason I feel as though I do not know what her and I would do everyday and night, or what she would have to do while I am at work.. Do you have any (girl) friends or siblings that you might be able to hook her up with so that she has something to do during the day? Even though you've explained to her that things are pretty boring in a condo in Atlanta compared to Rio there's no way she will really understand HOW boring, until she's experienced it. I mean... she'll have no car, and unless your condo is smack dab in the middle of a vibrant neighborhood or on a bus line, what IS she going to do all day? Cook and clean the condo? Somehow I get the feeling that's not likely! Not to sound overly paranoid, even though you spent a month with her, you really don't know her that well. Please don't be offended, but you might want to stash away any valuables in your condo for the time she's visiting. She'll be spending a lot of unsupervised time there while you're at work -- and while she sounds like she isn't exactly destitute, boredom sometimes breeds "curiosity." I say this from personal experience -- when my S.O. came over for a 10-day visit the first time, I wasn't able to get time off from work. I live in the country, he spent weekdays in the house while I was at work as there were no other options. He knew this would be the arrangement before he arrived and he was perfectly content to stay home, watch TV, get over jetlag and keep the pets amused. However, that didn't mean I was totally comfortable with "a stranger" in the house alone all day -- even if we had known each other for about six months at that point. I didn't want to offend him, so I didn't mention my initial uneasiness -- I just made sure that particularly personal or valuable items I would be upset if they happened to come up missing, were tucked away. He's visited numerous times since then -- usually the same arrangement (me working/him home) and I have absolutely no qualms about him being here by himself now -- but just as HisLove pointed out about the BC issue, "better safe than sorry" -- especially in the beginning. Plus, if the two of you do end up together eventually, it will be an amusing tale you both can tell your grandchildren... All that aside, I think it's a good thing for the two of you to spend more time together -- especially in a more "real life" situation. It's the only way you'll be able to tell whether "it's the real thing" or "just a fling." To tell you the truth, that may be one of the reasons why she wants to come visit you -- to validate whether there is some potential between you two, as opposed to what you experienced in Brazil was just a holiday romance. It sounds as though you developed some feelings for her during your stay -- so, don't forget her visiting you is also a chance for YOU to further evaluate the relationship as well. Best of luck to you, and don't hesitate to come back and post as often as you need. Everyone here in one shape or form is involved in a LDR, so you'll have lots of sympathy and experience to draw upon if you want or need it. Have fun! All the best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
Author bones1 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Share Posted February 16, 2008 I am not worried about her stealing things, as I dont really have things that are very valuable(expensive jewelry etc).. I am more concerned about stashing away pictures of exes, letters, etc, or anything that might make her jealous. She seems to be a bit insecure about me, and I feel she acts as though I am going to let her down, or just want sex, etc. So, i am not sure if she is really interested and not showing it, or not that interested in me?? She keeps telling me she is not sure if i am sure I want her there, which confuses me more, as I have told her I do. I dont know how else to say it. So she doesnt seem to express much enthusiasm.. I do not know if she generally does not have much, or if she is playing it safe emotionally. I dont really know how to extract this information. She asks me few questions about how it is here. If it was me, I would be asking a million. She is more or less like " I want to come to Atlanta in March, I have to renew my passport tomorrow". She told her Dad she was coming, and he ok'ed it. While in RIO we never had a quiet night at home watching tv etc.. That will be the majority oif what we do here, lol.. I explained this, and she said this is what she was looking for, and in Rio she felt we should go out more as I was on vacation.. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 Yes, she is interested in you, and yes, she's nervous now about coming because I'm sure your hesitation has come through loud and clear. You may have told her you were sure you wanted her there, but you sound pretty conflicted and that could have came out in your tone of voice or manner. Even if it wasn't that, your cautions about her being bored here may have sounded to her like you didn't want her to come and were trying to discourage her by telling her she wouldn't like it. From her perspective, she might have been hurt that you weren't enthusiast in your response, like, 'that's terrific! I can't wait for you to come!" See what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bones1 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Share Posted February 16, 2008 It is difficult, but I think you are right Nora.. On one hand I want to mentally prepare her for a change. We have no beach here, we have more laws, and I will be working, so we cannot lay around at the beach all day and go out every night.. I would like to accomplish the above without sounding as though I do not want her here. I do want her here. But I can't have the same lifestyle I had in Rio with her, and I would like her to know that. Or atleast I feel it is my responsibility to tell her that. Now that I look back, I did sense when I told her the above that she sounded sad, and I think she even asked why I am saying that, lol. I am a simple person, who enjoys being with someone and doing little things together. Ofcourse, vacation is a different lifestyle. Perhaps she is looking for a different lifestyle, and it is me thinking that Rio is the best place to be, while she might see the negatives and be sick of it. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 Think NoraJane is right on the money. bones1, I would be willing to bet that if *you* were a bit more enthusiastic about her visiting, her demeanor would be different. Put yourself in her shoes... She's taking a big chance coming to see you. She wants some reassurance that she isn't making a mistake or misjudged you. BTW, didn't you say she was 32 yrs old? " I want to come to Atlanta in March, I have to renew my passport tomorrow". She told her Dad she was coming, and he ok'ed it. Say what? Yes, there are may be some cultural differences at work here, but she had to ask her father if it was okay for her to come visit? Wow. Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
Author bones1 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Share Posted February 16, 2008 Well, her father has supported her for the past 2 years. He bought her a beautiful 3 bedroom condo on the beach to live in by herself, and bought her a car. I did not mean to say he "ok'ed" it, I more or less meant she has his approval, and it would not cause a major family problem. It is difficult for women to earn a living in Brazil, and they usually dont leave home until they are married. I can see her not wanting to work, as most jobs pay a couple hundred dollars a month, if they can be obtained in Rio. It is sometimes hard to talk to a woman without hurting her feelings, lol.. I miss her, but maybe it is better if I just convey something more or less along those lines, than think so analytically? Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 Now that I look back, I did sense when I told her the above that she sounded sad, and I think she even asked why I am saying that, lol. I am a simple person, who enjoys being with someone and doing little things together. Ofcourse, vacation is a different lifestyle. Perhaps she is looking for a different lifestyle, and it is me thinking that Rio is the best place to be, while she might see the negatives and be sick of it. Hmmm... Hate to say it, but you make it sound like she lives this fabulously exciting and flashy life, and you don't -- ergo, how can you ever live up to those expectations and so, why, oh why, is she interested in you? Sounds to me like she's trying to tell you, "I don't care if we spend the time together in a pup tent, what I'm attracted to and why I want to visit is *you.*" Why worry about all the "what ifs?" What you need to do is "just be" and see how that sits with the two of you. Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 It is sometimes hard to talk to a woman without hurting her feelings, lol.. I miss her, but maybe it is better if I just convey something more or less along those lines, than think so analytically? Yes, I think if you tell her you miss her, and are looking forward to cuddling on the couch with her, you'll get off on the right foot for her visit. Take a chance! Show her who you are at home, that simple guy who likes doing simple things with his favorite lady, and allow her to show you who she is, maybe another side of herself you didn't get a chance to see in Brazil. She comes from a family with money, and obviously they care about her. If she's unhappy, she will find her way home. And if she's happy and you're happy, well, you'd have missed out on having that if you didn't give it a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bones1 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Share Posted February 17, 2008 I didnt mean to convey that she has an exciting lifestyle, as all we ever did was go to the beach or out for a beer. She doesnt like shopping, expensive things, restaurants, etc. It is similar to someone living in Times Square, and then going to Kansas.. I wonder how they adapt. One thing I think about is that when I met her I was out alone, and so was she.. So now I am wondering what she is doing all the time alone. She is a pretty girl that gets a lot of attention, and neither of us really know what the other is doing. It is tough to be together everyday, then absolutely nothing. I hate to call, and then when she isn't home I only wonder.... For this reason, she told me she doesn't like calling me much either.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bones1 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Share Posted February 25, 2008 I am wondering how to handle this. Time is getting closer for her to come, and now we had a talk about what she will do when here... While I was on vacation in her country she told me she wants to visit, and that she has money for her ticket.. Then it changed to "if you buy me a ticket I will pay you back" Then it changed to "I will come if you buy my ticket". I told her I would buy her ticket.. So when she is here, I know she will not have any money, and I will be taking her out, taking care of her etc, for 2 months. I asked what she wants to do when she is here, and she said work. (As I will be working). I told her this might be hard for a few reasons, and if it doesn't work out I could give her a job working part time for me, as I own a business and need someone anyway. So, unfortunately, I had negative thoughts that her plan was to 1. come on vacation with me paying for her ticket. 2. Me taking her out and showing her a good time, on me. 3. And now me paying her to work for me, which she will save and take the money back home. I mentioned she could work for me, and pay half of her money to reimburse her ticket, and she said I am changing my plan, and this idea is unfair. On one hand I hate that money was an issue, and that I raised this concern, but on the other hand I cannot tell for sure if she wants to come and be with me, or if she wants to come, have fun, save money, and return home with money.. How can I talk about this, or figure it out without hurting her feelings if her intentions were benevolent? Or does it seem that she wants the oppurtunity more than just to be with me. Maybe I am being very naive, or I am being a little paranoid.. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 ...While I was on vacation in her country she told me she wants to visit, and that she has money for her ticket.. Then it changed to "if you buy me a ticket I will pay you back" Then it changed to "I will come if you buy my ticket". I told her I would buy her ticket.. So when she is here, I know she will not have any money, and I will be taking her out, taking care of her etc, for 2 months. I asked what she wants to do when she is here, and she said work. (As I will be working). I told her this might be hard for a few reasons, and if it doesn't work out I could give her a job working part time for me, as I own a business and need someone anyway. So, unfortunately, I had negative thoughts that her plan was to 1. come on vacation with me paying for her ticket. 2. Me taking her out and showing her a good time, on me. 3. And now me paying her to work for me, which she will save and take the money back home. I mentioned she could work for me, and pay half of her money to reimburse her ticket, and she said I am changing my plan, and this idea is unfair. On one hand I hate that money was an issue, and that I raised this concern, but on the other hand I cannot tell for sure if she wants to come and be with me, or if she wants to come, have fun, save money, and return home with money.. How can I talk about this, or figure it out without hurting her feelings if her intentions were benevolent? Or does it seem that she wants the oppurtunity more than just to be with me. Maybe I am being very naive, or I am being a little paranoid.. Say, what? This woman ostensibly comes from a wealthy family, you said her father bought her a beautiful condo, she doesn't work, she's 32-yrs-old and she had to ask her father whether it was okay for her to come visit you, and: One thing I think about is that when I met her I was out alone, and so was she.. So now I am wondering what she is doing all the time alone. She is a pretty girl that gets a lot of attention, and neither of us really know what the other is doing. It is tough to be together everyday, then absolutely nothing. I hate to call, and then when she isn't home I only wonder.... For this reason, she told me she doesn't like calling me much either.. Duh! Does this behavior not set off alarm bells in your mind, all over the place? I'm sorry to burst your bubble, this this whole thing reeks of a set-up -- and you're the target, my friend. Has it not occured to you that she does "work?" As in, in one of the oldest professions known to man? The whirlwind romance, pricey condo, always alone, not wanting you to call her at odd hours and when you do she's never home, having to ask permission to travel, wanting to stay for an extended period of time, now asking you to fund her trip, pay her a wage while she's here, etc., etc. etc. I think you've been had, bones1. If I were you, I would tell her the visit if off -- PRONTO -- before you get yourself any deeper into something that's not what it seems to be. And, go get yourself tested for STDs, so at least that possibility can be eliminated, and distance yourself from this mess as quick as you can. Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
Author bones1 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Share Posted February 25, 2008 I apologize for my choice of words. I met her father, and I know he pays he bills. She let him know she was coming, and at first he was mad because he wanted her to finish law school, and she does not want to. I think anytime someone is paying your bills, you at least run it past them about what you are doing especially if it is your father that is taking care of you,and you are leaving the country. Her arrangement is rare in Brazil, but not rare amongst wealthy kids, especially since she is an only child. I know she is not a prostitute, for many reasons. In Brazil, if a woman has a job, often times she got that job by sleeping with someone. So having a job would not mean she is not a prostitute in some sense of the word either. Being a hooker in Brazil will not buy you a car, and home either lol..It might give you enough to eat. I never said she does not want me to call at odd hours, or that she is never there. I am not sure where you read that. It has happened that she wasn't home, but she does spend the night at her moms, her dads, her cousins etc, but how can i be sure?. I then said she does not like to call me as she thinks I might be with someone else, and she would then worry if i do not answer. 95% of the time she is home. What does bother me is her reaction when I said she can pay me back for the ticket by working for me, since she has nothing else to do. Just light paperwork, etc. She seems to take for granted the $1200 for the ticket, the cost of taking care of her, and now it seems she expects to work and save her own money... Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 bones1, It's your life and your money; you don't need permission from anyone, including on this forum, to do as you please. So, if you want to pay for this woman to come see you, occupy your house for two months, AND then PAY HER for the time she's spending WITH YOU, that's your call. If it makes you uncomfortable, you can always say you cannot afford to finance her trip at the moment and you would not have agreed to her visit had you understood those were the terms. You could also tell her you would be happy to come see her in a few months when you have banked more vacation time and the funds for another holiday. If she doesn't like that suggestion and vaporizes, then you'll know where you stand. Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
Eilonwy Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 The fact that she suddenly expects you to pay for the ticket and also refuses to pay you half it it back seems really weird to me. I'd be very suspicious. Of course I don't know her, and she might have good reasons, but... I'd talk to her about that again. By the way, is she even allowed to work for you without special documents? Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 By the way, is she even allowed to work for you without special documents? Eilonwy, No, you cannot legally work in the U.S. having entered the country on a visitor's visa. He would have to pay her (illegally) under the table in cash. Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
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