Babbs Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Well, everyone, here's the thing....I finally got it! I'm a married lady and was having an affair with a single guy. We would only see each other 1x a month and would talk on the phone a couple times a week or text each other. Then it finally hit me: I was doing it all. I was the one texting him first, calling him to see how his day was going, etc. I finally hit rock bottom last week and decided to finally stop giving in and getting in touch with him first. So he knew something was up and texts me with "Are you ok?" I'm only responding with one or two words so he knows that's not like me. But do you think he calls and asks what's wrong? NO. I have stopped texting him unless he texts or calls me first. I'm thinking I should end this. My question is this: Do I even owe him a phone call to talk about what's bugging me and and then end it? Or just not text or call at all? And, he didn't even wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. Isn't that rude? Thanks!
Tomcat33 Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Of course you should talk to him and explain it, it is never a good idea to move on from a relationship (as limited as that rel may be) without putting your feelings to rest. By cutting him off and leaving things unspoken you will only hurt yourself in the long run. This will cause you to have unresolved feelings and you will carry them with you making it impossible to focus on what you need to focus on. I say cut it off if that is what you are feeling but do it properly explain to him where your head is at and put the whole experience to rest properly. I must admit in my experience it was also my ex guy who did all the chasing, and it was also him who decided he needed to do what he needed to do without telling me. This made it virtually impossible for him to move on.
Tomcat33 Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Also I wanted to add, I finally hit rock bottom last week and decided to finally stop giving in and getting in touch with him first..... I'm only responding with one or two words so he knows that's not like me.... he didn't even wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. Isn't that rude? don't you think it's rude you had this revelation in your head and you just fall off the face the earth and become curt in your texts, not offering any explanation as to why?
Meranna Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Also I wanted to add, don't you think it's rude you had this revelation in your head and you just fall off the face the earth and become curt in your texts, not offering any explanation as to why? LOL, gotta agree with this........you never mentioned he knew how to read minds. Most men I know usually run and hide from a woman when they realize she's upset, they aren't fans of confrontation, at least he asked if you were ok. He deserves to know what's going on.
Author Babbs Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Also I wanted to add, don't you think it's rude you had this revelation in your head and you just fall off the face the earth and become curt in your texts, not offering any explanation as to why? Actually, I thought it was rude that he didn't call and find out if something was bugging me or if something happened in my life to make me upset. I know as a friend to someone, I would do that. He doesn't have to be a mind reader, just a friend, but since he didn't call, I realize he doesn't care.
Author Babbs Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Wow. Did you wish your husband a Happy Valentine's Day? Yes, I did...and even my girlfriends.
Author Babbs Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 I wonder how happy he'd be to know you were f'ing some other guy. Let the poor guy have a divorce so you can be free to "do" whoever you want, and he can be free to find a faithful wife. I know that Sameoldcrap. That's not why I'm here...I'm here because I wanted a question answered. You can give that comment to 99% of the people who write in this column but it doesn't help. But thank you anyway for trying to help.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 I'm thinking I should end this. Ask yourself what good is going to come of this affair? Short term, long term? Do you feel that eventually you will divorce your husband and be with the OM? Do you see that you're being selfish by staying married and having someone else on the side? Have you looked at it from your OM's point of view? Maybe he deeply cares about you and is hurt that you are still married, and that probably makes him feel like second best. EVEN if you DO put OM first, your actions (hense being married and still living with your husband) shows him that he is second fiddle.. Why are you cheating on your husband? What needs aren't being met by your husband that's made you feel like you have to go outside of the marriage and cheat on him? Do you have children? Think long term, not just in the heat of the moment. Your affair WILL hurt alot of people, let alone your husband. Maybe you need to think about what it is you really want and go from there. Meaning, talk to your husband, tell him that you've had an affair and see if he wants to stay married to you, or divorce.
Meranna Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Then it finally hit me: I was doing it all. I was the one texting him first, calling him to see how his day was going, etc. I finally hit rock bottom last week and decided to finally stop giving in and getting in touch with him first. So he knew something was up and texts me with "Are you ok?" I'm only responding with one or two words so he knows that's not like me. But do you think he calls and asks what's wrong? NO. I have stopped texting him unless he texts or calls me first. I'm thinking I should end this. Thanks! Ok, I'm gonna try to get you to see this from his point of view. I NEVER call or text my MM first unless I KNOW it's safe to do so. Generally, I know it's ok when he initiates the conversation. Also, men are not like women when it comes to their friends and "feelings", he asked if you were ok, you gave him a few snide comments and he dropped it. Most men don't push that stuff with their friends, when a man wants to talk about something they will. I see this as him treating you as an equal to be honest. It's like you changed the rules midway through the relationship, didn't let him know you were doing it then want to get mad at him for not knowing the new rules LOL. If you want to end the relationship then end it and tell him, the way you are going about it is childish.
norajane Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 So what you 'got' was that you were the one chasing him all the time, and so you decided to play hard to get to see if he'd start chasing you? And you're disappointed because he's not chasing you enough? What you probably need to get is that you're having an affair with a guy who isn't going to chase you the way you want, and isn't suddenly going to turn into a guy who calls you all the time and suggests getting together. He's never been that guy, and won't start just because you limited contact with him in order to compel him to get in touch with you.
OpenBook Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Ok, I'm gonna try to get you to see this from his point of view. I NEVER call or text my MM first unless I KNOW it's safe to do so. Generally, I know it's ok when he initiates the conversation. Also, men are not like women when it comes to their friends and "feelings", he asked if you were ok, you gave him a few snide comments and he dropped it. Most men don't push that stuff with their friends, when a man wants to talk about something they will. I see this as him treating you as an equal to be honest. It's like you changed the rules midway through the relationship, didn't let him know you were doing it then want to get mad at him for not knowing the new rules LOL. I agree with Meranna. Whoever the married one is in the EMA, that's the one in the driver's seat. He/She has to deal with a lot more (spouse & family) and has a helluva lot more to lose than the single OP. Of course, if both are married, I imagine it becomes exponentially more complicated! Do you remember laying any ground rules with your OM at the beginning of the R? Maybe he's just trying to respect your wishes - what he recalls of them, anyway.
openingup Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Hi Babbs, I think you should do what feels right to you. If you've figured out that you aren't happy with the terms of the relationship, by all means end it. If you choose to do so by using the same passive means as your MM, that's fine (i.e. it seems as if he can take or leave you - if you call him, you see each other, if you don't - nothing. This isn't a relationship for him, it's a convenience. Demonstrate that you can take or leave him as well.) I've been there, so I can empathize. When I finally had the "come to Jesus" talk with myself and realized that if I were the MM and some attractive, intelligent woman would do things for me for no particular reason and take all the responsibility for setting up meetings/sex while I had to absolutely nothing, I'd probably think all my birthdays had come at once. Why should a man be considerate if it isn't necessary? Why should he call you if he gets what he wants without it? Why send you a Valentine if you'll come around anyway? Absolutely no judgment here, this situation will make you mad as hell. Delete his number off your phone, and ignore the morality police on this thread. One person in particular hangs out on the OW and other relationship threads and lectures everyone about confession and counseling (20,000+ posts!) Loveshack should block her - she clearly has a very heavy axe to grind and has been at it a long time. Best of luck - -
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 (edited) My question is this: Do I even owe him a phone call to talk about what's bugging me and and then end it? Or just not text or call at all? And, he didn't even wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. Isn't that rude? He probably thinks that since you are married, he doesn't have to put much effort into it. Besides, like you said you are doing all the work. It sounds like he wants a simple no strings arrangement, and you are trying to make a boyfriend/girlfriend thing out of it. He is making himself available to take whatever attention you feel like giving him, no more no less. Do you owe him a phone call explaining? No. Not really, because it doesn't sound like it would accomplish much. At best he will be thinking... "oh, great... there goes the "no strings" part", and he will likely back off more. He didn't wish you a Happy Valentines day because you aren't his girlfriend and he doesn't think of you as one. Should you end it? I think so, unless you like giving attention to someone who takes it and won't reciprocate. Looking at your past posts, I'd say this must be the case for you. Instead of wondering what is wrong with your affair partners, perhaps you should invest some time into why you keep having affairs with men who won't give you what you need. Edited February 16, 2008 by LucreziaBorgia
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