Star Gazer Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 as i was typing it i was kinda feeling that too....but for some reason it does feel really nice when he does those things for me. It feels nice because it's a step above the complete a-holes who have come before him - the abusive jerks. But nonchalance shouldn't win you over just because you dealt with crap before him.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Ok so...how do i get him to put more effort??? Do i tell him straight out? HOnestly lately i feel like ive been nagging a lot so that's just not good. Just last nite I had an almost freak out cuz there was a shirt on his bed that he usually gives me to sleep with. I had used one a few days ago that wasnt that one and had actually left it folded somewhere else. Long story short I asked him at 4am why was that sleep on shirt on his bed. Being 4am he said "dont know what you're talking about" so i had to paint the picture of what i was talking about. Finally he pointed to a pile of laundry in the corner (that he had cleared from the bed when we first came in) and said it must have gotten tangled in the sheets. I felt really stupid and he felt like i dont trust him So if now i bring out the "I need more from you", if i were him, id flip out. Not only will he feel im not trusting him but also im not happy with him....this does not look good
allina Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Why are you so afraid of him? You shouldn't be afraid to ask for what you need in a relationship, also your bf should want to give you what you need. I think expecting diamonds and all sort of materialistic crap for V day is stupid, but what your bf did was dismissive and rude, don't be afraid to confront him. You don't have to make bs excuses for his bad bf behavior. He is putting very little effort in to the relationship (your birthday/christmas/v-day/calling)
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Why are you so afraid of him? You shouldn't be afraid to ask for what you need in a relationship, also your bf should want to give you what you need. I think expecting diamonds and all sort of materialistic crap for V day is stupid, but what your bf did was dismissive and rude, don't be afraid to confront him. You don't have to make bs excuses for his bad bf behavior. He is putting very little effort in to the relationship (your birthday/christmas/v-day/calling) I think it has more to do with "how" to do it than anything else. I hate drama, and so does he, so I avoid it at all costs, including not asking for what i want. I know i should talk to him about all this...i actually should have talk to him last nite, but at the time it didnt seem like a big deal. Now, after all the responses i am becoming very aware of not only why i was upset last nite, but why i keep being so anxious about the relationship. I have absolutely no idea how to proceed, how to talk to him. He is going out of the city for the weekend with his family. I think i will be taking this time to think about what to do....its so sad...this morning i had just a minor annoyance...now i feel like i would be a total fool if i continue in this relationship as it stands sad days
allina Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 I think it has more to do with "how" to do it than anything else. I hate drama, and so does he, so I avoid it at all costs, including not asking for what i want. I know i should talk to him about all this...i actually should have talk to him last nite, but at the time it didnt seem like a big deal. Now, after all the responses i am becoming very aware of not only why i was upset last nite, but why i keep being so anxious about the relationship. I have absolutely no idea how to proceed, how to talk to him. He is going out of the city for the weekend with his family. I think i will be taking this time to think about what to do....its so sad...this morning i had just a minor annoyance...now i feel like i would be a total fool if i continue in this relationship as it stands sad days Just tell him that you're disappointed with Valentines day and that if you're going to be his girlfriend he needs to treat you like one. Don't whine or yell just be forward. Also did he finally introduce you to his family? I remember that your relationship was a secret for a while.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Just tell him that you're disappointed with Valentines day and that if you're going to be his girlfriend he needs to treat you like one. Don't whine or yell just be forward. Also did he finally introduce you to his family? I remember that your relationship was a secret for a while. I met his older brother in New Year's and his parents know about me too, but i have yet to meet them. TBH im not sure im ready for that. Im ok with them knowing about me....but formal parents introduction its a bit much for me just now.
Kamille Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 damn, the more i think about it the more i get lost....i know he is a good guy...but where's the effort? I sorta feel like backing off now. Why am i trying so hard? You know, I read that and I thought to myself: that's it! 4givr, I think it would help if you did start backing off when you feel confused. I am in no way advocating playing games. What I think you are faced with is a relationship where you've taken on the role of being the one doing all the relationship work. You are upset about something he did and your reflex is to try and figure out how to fix it. No honey - from what you wrote here, you did tell him you were upset, so now it's his turn to fix it. Which doesn't mean you shouldn't communicate your needs. It means that once you do, it is no longer up to you to fix things - it's his turn. Does that make sense?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Don't read so much into it all at this point, and please stop agonizing so! Just remember when you bring up how you feel, make it about how YOU felt about the situation. I think im gonna have to go further from this situation and into the relationship in general...specially what you pointed out that he isnt really making efforts...just normal things that i take as amazing things. I guess i can do that...bet you anything he wont call me all weekend....more ammo for my speech i suppose
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Woah, don't be thinking things like "ammo" or your conversation is going to go south very quickly. It's not a war you're trying to win here, it's a relationship you're trying on for size to see if it fits. Sorry by that i meant more incentive to have that talk....we actually had a good talk a few days ago, where a lot of things were cleared....i guess we're gonna have to do that again eeeeekkkk so not looking forward to putting my feelings and thoughts on the line like that....
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 You know, I read that and I thought to myself: that's it! 4givr, I think it would help if you did start backing off when you feel confused. I am in no way advocating playing games. What I think you are faced with is a relationship where you've taken on the role of being the one doing all the relationship work. Definitely agree with that Kamille...and even he says women are the ones that nurture a relationship since men are so dumb at those things. I dont think he knows im upset. I actually wasnt upset (or THAT upset) until i realize the root of the problem...of every problem in this here lovely mess i got myself into. He is not pulling his weight as much as he should. Granted as I said he is very loving, but i do feel he is leaning on me to carry him thru it..like he is sorta riding the relationship while i pedal for it. and im getting tired... He needs to know that...and see what he does with it. One side of me feels he's gonna quit the drama... the other, the one that has seen how many times he's pull thru before when i worry about something says he's gonna listen and take heed...
Kamille Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Definitely agree with that Kamille...and even he says women are the ones that nurture a relationship since men are so dumb at those things. I dont think he knows im upset. I actually wasnt upset (or THAT upset) until i realize the root of the problem...of every problem in this here lovely mess i got myself into. He is not pulling his weight as much as he should. Granted as I said he is very loving, but i do feel he is leaning on me to carry him thru it..like he is sorta riding the relationship while i pedal for it. and im getting tired... He needs to know that...and see what he does with it. One side of me feels he's gonna quit the drama... the other, the one that has seen how many times he's pull thru before when i worry about something says he's gonna listen and take heed... You don't have to put everything into question. Take baby steps. Take a few days to back off and sort yourself out if that is what you need. This might be hard, because your reflex is to try and make things better. He will probably pull through and get in touch with you. Don't see it as a test though. In a few days, or whenever you feel like you've reached clarity on all this, get in touch with him if you feel like it. I for one believe that people change. You might want to tell him that you would like things to change in your relationship, or you could just go about focusing on making sure that you manage to keep your balance. I.e, that you don't start resenting him for all the efforts you put into the relationship. There's nothing wrong with letting it go once in awhile and taking the time and energy to focus on yourself. Who knows, he might enjoy being provided the opportunities to take care of you in different ways and be the one to ascertain that things aren't right and fix them. If he isn't, then it would be up to him to bring up the topic.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Well, i tooka bit of time right now to clear off my head. Given that A. I really like this fool, despite him not being as thoughful as Id like, B. I do not want to just run away (as blue eyes suggested) without giving me and him a chance. Me of stepping up and ask for what i need, and him for giving me what i need. I will be doing the following : This whole weekend im gonna back off. I need to regroup and see how i need to put the relationship back in balance. Im doing way too much for way too little. That needs to stop. After he comes back and we meet up again, I will be saying something like this. "So, baby, Ive been thinking this weekend about Vday. U know i appreciated you taking me to dinner, and even the candy (, but honestly, i need a little more thought and effort from you. Not only during special holidays, but also in general. For example, I would love it if when you take me somewhere you plan the whole thing, and just, be a little more mindful that I do, despite evidence to the contrary, like to be made feel special from time to time" How does that sound???
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