Update on "should i give it to him?"

[4givrnt4gtr]

So, as fate would have it, I left the gift/card at work accidentally, so I couldnt give it to him.

 

BUT Im kinda glad it happened, and this is why i started this thread...to see what you all my very good friends of LS think of the situation. Not a big deal in and of itself, but i think its just adding up.

 

SO he picked me up for dinner and I told him i forgot his card at work. He then said he had something for me too, and if i wanted it then or at the restaurant...so I said to give it to me right then.

Well he pulled out a little pink bag with those M&M candies that you can have personalized. I thought it was so adorable, I was very impressed, and told him so. He went on about how he hand picked the messages etc. Very impressed...

 

...and then he laughs, and said that actually his job gave them all the little bags, so he got one for me. As I inspection the M&Ms closer, sure enough they had the company's name on them. I was very VERY disappointed and annoyed. I much have rather him not give me anything than give me a regift...thats just...cheap.

 

Anyhow, i tried to let it go and not bother me as much. WE had our dinner and then went to his friend's gfs house. His friend is a total A***, he plays around with different women, and this particular one thinks they are really bf/gf, although he says they both know its just FWB. ANyhow, it breaks my heart when she asks me if he is seeing other girls. I dont wanna meddle, but i do know for a fact he does, and not only that but after being with one, he goes and sees her too. And tells us about it...yuk. (But i guess thats a story for another day..just wanted to express my disdain for the man)

ANYWAY so this woman is really upset bc the guy got wasted and went straight to sleep after their dinner, so when we left my bf gave her a hug...and pull out another one of those bags and gave it to her ?!

 

Ya so when we walked out i told him that when he first gave me the bag i felt special, then that drop horribly when he told me it was from his company...but that was just low. HE told me that that bag had been for me too, for when we said good bye, but that he saw this girl was very sad and upset so she needed it more.

 

Ughh im very irritated...specially cuz, fine, if it was just that he could care less for vday...fine. But for my bday he gave me a card and a $15 bellyring from Claire's, for xmas...nothing (he isnt christian...so i excused it then). Its really not so much about the gifts but more about the thought (or lack thereof). ANd he isnt what we could say poor...he makes decent money, at least to get his gf a valentine's day card. Jeezz...

 

I dont know im very annoyed...more bc of the regifting (much rather if he had just left it at paying for dinner and thats it). Makes me feel so....second thought.

 

I dont know am I being a brat here?? I didnt want to bring it up bc in the grand scheme of things its not that big of a deal. Besides that he treats me really really well, cares for me a lot and takes good care of me. But thats just irritating.

 

Any thoughts?

Oh and the Vday card?? forget it!

[tanbark813]

I think this is one of those "I love him because he treats me like shyt" instances.

[Trialbyfire]

It's fun to give but if the effort you receive isn't satisfactory, you can always roll back your efforts for the next special occasion. Try the dollar store, for your next gift purchase.

[4givrnt4gtr]

I think this is one of those "I love him because he treats me like shyt" instances.

 

Not really. Besides the whole gifting thing, he is very good to me. He treats me well, takes me out and we always have a good time. He's very respectful of me and never has insulted me in any way. He's very affectionate and shows me he cares by the way he interacts with me.

As I said, if it wasnt for the whole gifting thing...it would be great...but im not sure if he is just not thoughful and doesnt think those silly things matter, or he's just cheap

[Ruby]

I don't quite know what to say.

 

On one hand valentines day is a big heap of hype and on the other I wonder if it would be preferable if your man did nothing to giving you a second hand gift with no thought attatched at all.

 

I,myself, would prefer a hand made card than a shop bought expensive one. It is not the expense but the thought.

 

Ok I will risk being jumped on here but if I put myself in your shoes I would feel just as you do. BUT he treats you really well so does it matter?

 

Oh this is a hard one

 

If everything else is fine with your R then just let it go and mark it down to experience and next year before V day just tell him not to bother celebrating it and just do a nice dinner indoors and don't expect anything.

 

I think men are under alot of pressure at this time of year

[tanbark813]

He's very respectful of me

 

F**king with you about where the candy came from and then giving another woman the same thing he gave you seems pretty disrespectful, IMO, but to each his own.

[4givrnt4gtr]

I would have been very hurt by the way that all played out.

 

One thing that would bother me is his choice of friends. I would not have a girlfriend who treated people the way this guy's guy friend treats people. But that's just me. It just seems if he has no problem having a friend who would treat people that way, it's almost like he sanctions the behavior in a way.

 

yeah i agree with you. I used to like the guy, he is very nice to us, very loyal friend, but when it comes to girls he is a total a s s. My bf doesnt agree with it either, we actually talk about it yesterday, how that girl should dump his cheating a**, and just, how wrong he is in general.

 

Thing is that I also have a friend who isnt very nice...in general. She assumes men HAVE to treat her like royalty and is just very...well...i dont know. I cant really talk.

 

THe point is that his friendship with this guy became stronger bc he lives near me so when he comes to see him we go hang out at this place (since i live with my parents). Im thinking thats gonna diminish once i move out of the area though...

[4givrnt4gtr]

F**king with you about where the candy came from and then giving another woman the same thing he gave you seems pretty disrespectful, IMO, but to each his own.

 

Really? hmmm i just think its pretty thoughless....but apparently im not even sure what being respected means

[Star Gazer]

One thing that would bother me is his choice of friends. I would not have a girlfriend who treated people the way this guy's guy friend treats people. But that's just me. It just seems if he has no problem having a friend who would treat people that way, it's almost like he sanctions the behavior in a way.

 

I couldn't agree more. I honestly do judge people by the company they keep, and his ability to be friends with such a creep would disturb me to no end.

 

OP - my gut tells me that your BF didn't even get you anything, not even the company candies. He grabbed extras to have some candy on hand (I do that all the time), not with you specifically in mind. He gave you that candy only because you mentioned that you had something for him. If you hadn't said anything, you would have gone home empty handed. That's what my gut would have told me in your shoes.

[4givrnt4gtr]

1. Ranting about some stupid Valentine gifts or lack of, especially when you forgot a lousy card anyway is quite bratty in my book.

 

It wasnt about me wanting a big gift. From what i know of him so far i was actually surprised he even thought about vday at all so i really wasnt expecting him to get me anything. What burned was that he gave me a second had gift...ouch.

 

2. He comforting females belonging to his friend is very knightly and gentleman like...you shouldnt be jealous. You should be proud of him.

 

I agree with this...the thought was nice...but once again, he didnt think of that would make me feel.

 

3. Some people try to show their feelings by constant show of care, love and integrity through their everyday actions instead of through expensive or emotion soaking gifts once or twice a year. And to state that, they buy lousy gifts.

 

I like that thought....

 

Or he is just a cheap Jew who wants to have 3some with you and his friend's **** buddy.

 

Overall i honestly think i made this happen by letting get away with too much....im not a fighter or a nagger...so, like in this instance, he sees nothing wrong with last nite....while its very hard for me to tell him "your cheap gift made me feel like an afterthought"

[Star Gazer]

Overall i honestly think i made this happen by letting get away with too much....im not a fighter or a nagger...so, like in this instance, he sees nothing wrong with last nite....while its very hard for me to tell him "your cheap gift made me feel like an afterthought"

 

Why are you accepting blame for his lack of thoughtfulness? You can't be responsible for telling someone to be thoughtful, or expecting them to be. He should have done something nice because he WANTS to. That desire should be intrinsic within himself. Don't blame yourself.

[4givrnt4gtr]

I couldn't agree more. I honestly do judge people by the company they keep, and his ability to be friends with such a creep would disturb me to no end.

 

I cant agree with that. As I said, one of my best friends is the total opposite of who I am. If you were to judge me by her you would think im loud, obnoxious and attention seeking. (Right now im having issues with her behavior btw) Im actually quite the opposite, quite and reserved. The reason why we are friends is because we met at school and had that in common.

My bf and that guy are friends because they are teammates. Most, if not all of their conversations are either about their sport, and my bf telling him to stop drinking and to stop being an idiot. I can honestly say he and that guy are not alike by any stretch of the imagination...

[FONT=Verdana][sIZE=1][/sIZE][/FONT]

OP - my gut tells me that your BF didn't even get you anything, not even the company candies. He grabbed extras to have some candy on hand (I do that all the time), not with you specifically in mind. He gave you that candy only because you mentioned that you had something for him. If you hadn't said anything, you would have gone home empty handed. That's what my gut would have told me in your shoes

I agree and wasnt expecting him to actually. ANd honestly i would have rather him not give me anything

[4givrnt4gtr]

Why are you accepting blame for his lack of thoughtfulness? You can't be responsible for telling someone to be thoughtful, or expecting them to be. He should have done something nice because he WANTS to. That desire should be intrinsic within himself. Don't blame yourself.

 

I understand that. What I meant is that throughout the relationship I have created a pattern of not asking for anything and being very laid back about everything we do. This has given him the impression i dont need/want what usually girls crave. Thats why its my fault. I should be more vocal about what i want and need, from the getgo, so that expectations were clear from the start.

[Star Gazer]

I understand that. What I meant is that throughout the relationship I have created a pattern of not asking for anything and being very laid back about everything we do. This has given him the impression i dont need/want what usually girls crave. Thats why its my fault. I should be more vocal about what i want and need, from the getgo, so that expectations were clear from the start.

 

You've been together 8 months or so, right? So you haven't had a V-Day yet to even set a pattern. Stop making excuses for him. It was thoughtless.

[4givrnt4gtr]

You've been together 8 months or so, right? So you haven't had a V-Day yet to even set a pattern. Stop making excuses for him. It was thoughtless.

 

Its not about valentine's day...its about thoughtlessness in general. As I said for my bday...just a card and a belly ring...for christmas..nothing. From those two occaasions, i didnt make a fuss at all.....and in general those occasions are WAY more important than Vday. So bassically, by not speaking up and telling him "yo! whats up with no thought here?!" i gave him the impression of "hmmm well she didnt care then, why would she care now!"

 

I agree he should definitely know better....but i am definitely not helping the case by being a pushover.

[Star Gazer]

Its not about valentine's day...its about thoughtlessness in general. As I said for my bday...just a card and a belly ring...for christmas..nothing. From those two occaasions, i didnt make a fuss at all.....and in general those occasions are WAY more important than Vday. So bassically, by not speaking up and telling him "yo! whats up with no thought here?!" i gave him the impression of "hmmm well she didnt care then, why would she care now!"

 

I agree he should definitely know better....but i am definitely not helping the case by being a pushover.

 

I didn't know he stiffed you on Christmas.

 

Listen. You didn't create a situation where he forgot about Christmas. You may have enabled him to feel like V-Day was unnecessary, but clearly he's not a thoughtful individual to begin with...and that doesn't usually ever change.

 

Something to think about.

[4givrnt4gtr]

I didn't know he stiffed you on Christmas.

 

Listen. You didn't create a situation where he forgot about Christmas. You may have enabled him to feel like V-Day was unnecessary, but clearly he's not a thoughtful individual to begin with...and that doesn't usually ever change.

 

Something to think about.

 

sigh..yes yes my mom said the same thing and honestly i figured as much. What im trying to decide now is if that is such a big deal to be a dealbreaker you know? As i said aside from the whole gifting mess, he's great.

With the xmas thing i didnt make a big deal because he isnt Christian and doesnt celebrate. But still, he know i am so....ya. THen again a weekend before he took me to ski, paid for me and said it was my xmas gift....it is all so confusing tbh....ughhh

[Star Gazer]

sigh..yes yes my mom said the same thing and honestly i figured as much. What im trying to decide now is if that is such a big deal to be a dealbreaker you know? As i said aside from the whole gifting mess, he's great.

With the xmas thing i didnt make a big deal because he isnt Christian and doesnt celebrate. But still, he know i am so....ya. THen again a weekend before he took me to ski, paid for me and said it was my xmas gift....it is all so confusing tbh....ughhh

 

It's a deal breaker only if it's important to you. Do you want him to want to make you happy? To think about you and your likes/dislikes, and put thought into gestures/time together? I'm thinking you do - who doesn't?

 

Paying for things means nothing, IMO. It's always the thought that counts.

 

For example, with your ski story - did you mention you had always wanted to ski and so he took you up as a surprise AND spent time with you teaching you? (You may already know how, I dunno...just an example.) That's a thoughtful gesture. Him thinking, "Hmm, I wanna go skiing, I can take her with me to keep me company and I'll pay for her" - that's not.

[redfathom]

Actually it will most likely get worse. When my H was courting me he used to buy me all kinds of gifts. V-Day, my birthday, x-mas were all a big deal. Now, it's hit and miss and always a struggle. My H does not do V-day at all, anymore, (but he is planning a date night for us on Sunday - it's a surprise), my b-day for one year I got nothing not even a card and x-mas we fight about gifts. He calls me materialistic because I like to exchange gifts.

 

He does have an excuse because he did grow up as a Jehova Witness although once he hit 18 he stopped (he was not one by choice) so he does not have the happy memories that enstill the importance of holidays in people when they are little.

 

The only thing that peeves me is that he USED to do nice things for me on every holiday. I was not upset about not getting anyting yesterday, except when my BIL who lives with us came home with his GF after their nice romantice dinner with a dozen roses. Then he made fun of us for eating Mac'NCheese (haha).

 

The nice thing about it was - my H cooked dinner while I watched Becoming Jane Austin so that was a really nice "gift". He even watched some of it with me .

 

You have to decide what's a deal breaker for you and not. My H and I can't agree on holidays and I told him I won't budge on what I believe is the way I want to spend it and he won't either.

[4givrnt4gtr]

It's a deal breaker only if it's important to you. Do you want him to want to make you happy? To think about you and your likes/dislikes, and put thought into gestures/time together? I'm thinking you do - who doesn't?

 

Paying for things means nothing, IMO. It's always the thought that counts.

 

For example, with your ski story - did you mention you had always wanted to ski and so he took you up as a surprise AND spent time with you teaching you? (You may already know how, I dunno...just an example.) That's a thoughtful gesture. Him thinking, "Hmm, I wanna go skiing, I can take her with me to keep me company and I'll pay for her" - that's not.

 

Id say time together he does put effort...for example yesterday he took me to a restaurant that makes food from my country (not many of those around here). So that was very nice.

About the ski trip, we've talked about it and an opportunity came up where we could go. He actually did teach me how to ski...was very nice actually, he was very patient and got me to being able to do bigger slopes (from never been on skis ever). But his thoughlessness is very present, thats for sure. I know he doesnt mean ill...but it does make me see that he is totally clueless...

[4givrnt4gtr]

Actually it will most likely get worse..

 

Now thats a scary thought....

[redfathom]

Him not getting you a generic gift on a generic holiday is not that bad. He might not have put a lot of effort into your gift but he did put a lot of thought into your evening together. He sounds like a good BF. Does he do thoughful things for you regular days?

[4givrnt4gtr]

Him not getting you a generic gift on a generic holiday is not that bad. He might not have put a lot of effort into your gift but he did put a lot of thought into your evening together. He sounds like a good BF. Does he do thoughful things for you regular days?

 

hmm well for the vday dinner he told me he wanted to take me to the restaurant i had mentioned before and asked me to look it up to see if they had reservations. that one didnt sound too good so i picked another one. But the thought counts, i agree.

 

In regular days he does do little things, like we usually hang out after work, which is late at nite. Usually if he is alone he would be watching his sport. When i come he yields the control of the tv (unless theres a big match in which case...ya). He cooks for me once in a while (more like warm up the food his mom gives him when he goes home to visit but still), we play alot, which is very fun, like he chases me around the apartment just because, or we tease each other. In all honesty being with him is very fun and nice...but there are things that i wish i could be more assertive about, like the whole special occasion thing. In june its gonna be our anniversary...and i KNOW he doesnt know what day is it on, so much less we'll be doing anything for it. Yet id love to go out and celebrate like normal couple do....how do i inform him not only of the exact date without freaking him out (who's counting!?!), but also of my expectations? beats me

[redfathom]

For an anni. my H did not get me something one year either. I know what you're going through. Some men just don't get it, like you said it is more a clueless issue so make him get a clue. It's okay to spell it out ahead of time but telling him what you would like, or hope to do or get for your anni.

 

I am usually not argumentative but two years ago for x-mas after a big debate, (almost fight) I told my H he is not changing my mind on how I feel about x-mas and what it means to me and what it means to me to exchange gifts and I flat out told him, if he did not get me anything I was going to be really POed. He did get me something nice after that.

 

This yer I honestly don't think we did much for gifts. Actually I have stopped trying so hard also. For his b-day we went on a cruise so I did not buy him a gift. For x-mas I can't even remember what we got for each other.

 

For v-day, I bought him a card which I never gave to him. When he got home I told him I got a card and he said he did not get me one and I was honest and said:

 

"that's okay because for your card I picked up the very first one and skimmed through the inside and that's the one I got."

He said, "thanks for putting the effort in to it"

and I said, "well, it's the thought that counts" and

he said: "yeah but that's not much thought."

I said "yeah but it's better then nothing."

 

And we joked about it (I do feel a little guilty).

 

It might seem like we don't care about each other but last weekend I planned a very nice date night: we went to two museums then dinner at a very nice restaurant I made reservations at a few days prior. I told him about my plans and asked if he was okay with them and he told me he was making plans but would move his to the following weekend. So this Sunday he has somthing planned for us for the whole day, which is a surprise!

[4givrnt4gtr]

I'm sorry, but I just don't see any effort on his part. You have to call for reservations, and you think he's being thoughtful? His mother gives him pre-cooked food that he warms up, and you call it cooking? You're giving him wayyyy more credit than he deserves, from what I'm reading here. So he hands you the TV remote. You could watch the programs of your choice at home.

 

as i was typing it i was kinda feeling that too....but for some reason it does feel really nice when he does those things for me.

As for the reservations...wow...yeah...i was gonna say "he couldnt call from work" but right as i thought that i thought..why didnt he plan this at least a day in advance and do it himself?

 

WOW

 

damn, the more i think about it the more i get lost....i know he is a good guy...but where's the effort? I sorta feel like backing off now. Why am i trying so hard? I think its time for me to talk to him about this. I need more effort on his part....i guess i just tend to rationalize things. Like, most of the time, at nite im driving out to his place. The reason is that he has his own place so....its just easier.

But what about the other times? ok so he comes over the weekend, we go to a bar or to dance...but thats it...if we do something its either cuz I suggest it, or his friends suggest it. I rationalize this (and even he says it) as him being a bit boring and unimaginative in this department and needs a push once in a while.

wow im getting sadder and sadder the more i think about it. Too bad i feel so close to him despite of it all