LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 As I said in my above post... IMO I think IM is only concerned about HIS needs AT THE MOMENT. When his world crashes down around him it will be a major reality check for him. Especially if he loses his W AND the OW, because his co dependence will kick into over drive....and he will have no one to cling to.
LILA BELL Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 IM5150 I can relate to your story iwas having a A with a man,but he was married and i am also married. I was always thinking about him emailing him calling him i mean just working with him was'nt enough i had to have some sort of contact with him at all times. He was drop dead gorgeous i mean this guy could be a model. i was so proud that i was hooking up with a guy like this we had excitement,passion. I thought about him day and night i felt like i could do anything I had my H and kids at home and i did'nt give a crap as long as i can see MM i was good that was my high. I didnt feel bad for my H not at all i thought he was boring no fun The A lasted for about 8 months THE OM dropped me so fast i still feel my head spinning. Am i over him, no do i still have feelings for him,yes Barley after 3 months im starting to realize what i have been doing to my H and kids i guess its better than nothing considering 3 months ago i could careless about what i was doing at time i have selfesh moments,but im working on myself.
Author IM5150 Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Hi IM. I just caught up on this thread and wanted to comment. I know a man very similar to you, who I have/had a emotional relationship with. I am convinced he is ALSO very co dependent on his relationships and afraid of being alone. he even said this to me himself. I agree that if you risk your marriage for this OW, and if things don;t work out, it WILL be then and ONLY then that you see what your marriage means to you. This is not (in my opinion) very unusual behavior with MM who cheat on their wives. I know in my heart that if my ex MM's wife actually LEFT him, depsite how unhappy or unfulfilled he claims to be, he would be a wreck. I persoanlly think it's selfish behavior, because they use the affair as a catalyst to destroy their marriage but then act like victims when it does. You will do whatever you want to do, but just be prepared for the fallout when it happens. Your absolutely right.
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 As I said in my above post... IMO I think IM is only concerned about HIS needs AT THE MOMENT. When his world crashes down around him it will be a major reality check for him. Especially if he loses his W AND the OW, because his co dependence will kick into over drive....and he will have no one to cling to. I agree. A painful and hard lesson will be learned, and unfortunately it seems this may have to happen so IM will change and either better his marriage or divorce. And he may end up alone after the fallout.. Anyway, atleast he's being honest with himself. It's just too bad that he isn't willing to do anything to prevent the train wreck from happening.
Author IM5150 Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 IM5150 I can relate to your story iwas having a A with a man,but he was married and i am also married. I was always thinking about him emailing him calling him i mean just working with him was'nt enough i had to have some sort of contact with him at all times. He was drop dead gorgeous i mean this guy could be a model. i was so proud that i was hooking up with a guy like this we had excitement,passion. I thought about him day and night i felt like i could do anything I had my H and kids at home and i did'nt give a crap as long as i can see MM i was good that was my high. I didnt feel bad for my H not at all i thought he was boring no fun The A lasted for about 8 months THE OM dropped me so fast i still feel my head spinning. Am i over him, no do i still have feelings for him,yes Barley after 3 months im starting to realize what i have been doing to my H and kids i guess its better than nothing considering 3 months ago i could careless about what i was doing at time i have selfesh moments,but im working on myself. Lila, Thanks for sharing. I feel the same about boring W. There is NO excitement there and OW brings all that too me. Am I selfish and just thinking about myself? YES. Am I an ******* because of it, YES. Do I deserve to be kick out of the house, absolutely.
Author IM5150 Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 I agree. A painful and hard lesson will be learned, and unfortunately it seems this may have to happen so IM will change and either better his marriage or divorce. And he may end up alone after the fallout.. Anyway, atleast he's being honest with himself. It's just too bad that he isn't willing to do anything to prevent the train wreck from happening. I can see it already. I go NC with OW. I fall into a big depression that will be completely obvious to W. Seriously, my life would be very empty at the moment without OW. We had great conversation on the phone last night. And BTW, my entire family knows about this. First I told my sister, then my dad, and just recently my mom. I wasn't sure how my mom would take it since my dad just recently had an A with her. She seems to be OK though. She doesn't condone it but she didn't slap me upside the head either. My sister also doesn't agree with what I'm doing but she said that she will support me in any descion I make.
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 IM, if you put the same amount of energy into your marriage, your wife, and tried to spice up life with her, in and out of the bedroom and gave her a chance, maybe she'd surprise you. Ah well, it's your life.
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Why not just come clean with your wife? Maybe you two can agree to have an open marriage. Maybe she would want an OM on the side...Would you be okay with that? Never know, maybe right now your wife does have someone else too.
Author IM5150 Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Why not just come clean with your wife? Maybe you two can agree to have an open marriage. Maybe she would want an OM on the side...Would you be okay with that? Never know, maybe right now your wife does have someone else too. Oh god, you don't know my wife, hahaha. I just had to laugh when you said that.
Author IM5150 Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 IM, if you put the same amount of energy into your marriage, your wife, and tried to spice up life with her, in and out of the bedroom and gave her a chance, maybe she'd surprise you. Ah well, it's your life. She's tried a couple of times. The lingerie thing ya know. Didn't do it for me. I pretend like it's all cool and all but really, it didn't do anything. I hate faking physical attraction.
Owl Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Well, I hope things work out in the best possible way that they can for all three of you...whatever that happens to be. I can't think of anything left to suggest or say. Good luck.
Author IM5150 Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Well, I hope things work out in the best possible way that they can for all three of you...whatever that happens to be. I can't think of anything left to suggest or say. Good luck. Thanks Owl. I appreciate all your input.
Lizzie60 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 She's tried a couple of times. The lingerie thing ya know. Didn't do it for me. I pretend like it's all cool and all but really, it didn't do anything. I hate faking physical attraction. I understand what you're saying.. if the woman has never felt comfortable in lingerie and then woops overnight she comes to you wearing that sexy outfit.. of course you're going to burst in laughters... it IS fake.. I love lingerie, I wear it every day.. well almost.. I feel comfortable and sexy in it... there's a big difference.. I know my MM's wife would never wear sexy stuff.. that's why he goes nuts when he sees me.. he loves it.. but then.. I've seen his W.. OMG.. she looks like a transexual.. I just can't get over it.. I really can't picture her with sexy clothes.. You know your wife.. and I know she is probably like my MM's wife.. she would never even think of cheating..
JamesM Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I can see it already. I go NC with OW. I fall into a big depression that will be completely obvious to W. Seriously, my life would be very empty at the moment without OW. We had great conversation on the phone last night. Interestingly enough, this is like an addiction. Speaking from experience, after awhile, the effect does wear off, and life begins all over again. Then you will look back and realize that you dodged a bullet...or at least I did when something similar happened to me. And BTW, my entire family knows about this. First I told my sister, then my dad, and just recently my mom. So everybody knows except your wife? Sad. BTW, the more people that know means the more likely your W will find out. I wasn't sure how my mom would take it since my dad just recently had an A with her. She seems to be OK though. She doesn't condone it but she didn't slap me upside the head either. Watch that the guilt of knowing doesn't make your mother tell your wife. And since your mother has been "conditioned" to accept affairs as normal in a marriage, I am not surprised at her reaction. My sister also doesn't agree with what I'm doing but she said that she will support me in any descion I make. Would she support it if HER husband was doing the same thing? I think your story is going to be very important here on LS. The question is...what moral or message will it teach about affairs....the reconciliation with a W or the destruction of a marriage?
White Flower Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 IM, while I admire your honesty in posting this in the face of all the bashing it's going to bring, I do hope you realise that this is likely to draw a hostile response from many sides. Essentially what you've said here is thatyour levels of comfort outweigh any consideration you have for your Wyou don't love your W anywhere near as much as she loves you, but she's OK to stick around with as a "Plan B woman"You'll stay with your W if that's what it takes to keep the OWYou're afraid of being alone.That's pretty honest, but it's also pretty scary. You're looking to a woman (first choice OW, second choice W) not to augment you, but to complete you. You see yourself as incomplete without (insert woman of the moment here). IM, that is very different to love. That's co-dependence. And your later comment that James picked up on about your life leading you places underscores that you're not seeing yourself as an active, adult human being here who's making choices and acting on them. Rather, you're following your needs and compulsions. Your wanting the OW is coming from a position of weakness, if that's the case, and not a position of strength. Love is based on respect, not need. What you're showing here is that you don't respect your wife, but you'd need her in the absence of OW. Which suggests that you need, rather than respect, OW too. IM I would really suggest you explore with a counsellor why you're afraid to be alone, and what it is that you find missing in you that you seek to complete through having another person around. Perhaps once you understand yourself in that way you'll be able to choose, to decide, to act, in the interests of everyone's happiness but especially your own. OW, as always, you put into words what I always want to say. I wish I had your clarity.
Author IM5150 Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 This guy is....all I can say is man. You think I'm alone? Maybe because I'm one of the few that decides to come here and post about what I feel and how I think that I'm all of a sudden a unique case?
bentnotbroken Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 You think I'm alone? Maybe because I'm one of the few that decides to come here and post about what I feel and how I think that I'm all of a sudden a unique case? Unfortunately, I know you aren't unique. I know that there are more than a few people with your view of life. It is sad that someone who stood by you in a time of illness would be treated with such disrespect and unconcern. As I said before, man.
Author IM5150 Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 Unfortunately, I know you aren't unique. I know that there are more than a few people with your view of life. It is sad that someone who stood by you in a time of illness would be treated with such disrespect and unconcern. As I said before, man. I agree 100%.
White Flower Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I agree 100%. This is what perplexes all of us, including the OWs who are very much in love with their MM: Why is security more important than love? I know it might be hard for you to answer, IM, because you're not even sure you're in love yet, but I can see a similarity between you and my MM. He is financially secure and life is good. He wouldn't look like the hero he is if he left his W either. And he has enough compassion for her that he wouldn't want to see her lose her home, her medical bennies (I don't think most Ws lose them anyway in a D) or her sanity because she is very dependent. Yet he suffers deeply because he misses me so much. I know he loves me and I know it kills him to not be with me. This is a huge perplexity for me I think because I value love more than security even though security is important. So when you figure it out, please let us know.
OWoman Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 This is what perplexes all of us, including the OWs who are very much in love with their MM: Why is security more important than love? I know it might be hard for you to answer, IM, because you're not even sure you're in love yet, but I can see a similarity between you and my MM. He is financially secure and life is good. He wouldn't look like the hero he is if he left his W either. And he has enough compassion for her that he wouldn't want to see her lose her home, her medical bennies (I don't think most Ws lose them anyway in a D) or her sanity because she is very dependent. Yet he suffers deeply because he misses me so much. I know he loves me and I know it kills him to not be with me. This is a huge perplexity for me I think because I value love more than security even though security is important. So when you figure it out, please let us know. WF I think it's because - contrary to the knee-jerk assumption - for some MM, they're not accustomed to putting themselves first. It's always the kids, the W, the home, the M, ahead of their own needs. So they won't walk away from misery to find love, because that would leave the W without whatever it is she'd lose - the M, some material comforts, the kids full-time, whatever. So they swallow it. Put up with the misery and get their happiness on the side, since they'd be selfish if they were to claim that their happiness was as important as their W's, and leave the M in pursuit of it.
White Flower Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 WF I think it's because - contrary to the knee-jerk assumption - for some MM, they're not accustomed to putting themselves first. It's always the kids, the W, the home, the M, ahead of their own needs. So they won't walk away from misery to find love, because that would leave the W without whatever it is she'd lose - the M, some material comforts, the kids full-time, whatever. So they swallow it. Put up with the misery and get their happiness on the side, since they'd be selfish if they were to claim that their happiness was as important as their W's, and leave the M in pursuit of it. I suppose this makes sense, not that I like it. I spent my whole life like that and am currently doing all that I can to achieve happiness for myself. I hope I didn't wait too long. Damn, life is short to wallow in misery!
erika2610 Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 IMO, it's not that they'd be selfish. Most of them are selfish. In staying in a miserable marriage, the MM is denying his wife the right to move on and find somebody who may not run around on her, and could give her the love that the MM hasn't been giving her. If he is having an affair, he is putting himself first. He's not thinking of the impact on his W, or the kids if they have any. He's just looking out for what he wants,
OpenBook Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 This is what perplexes all of us, including the OWs who are very much in love with their MM: Why is security more important than love? I know it might be hard for you to answer, IM, because you're not even sure you're in love yet, but I can see a similarity between you and my MM. He is financially secure and life is good. He wouldn't look like the hero he is if he left his W either. And he has enough compassion for her that he wouldn't want to see her lose her home, her medical bennies (I don't think most Ws lose them anyway in a D) or her sanity because she is very dependent. Yet he suffers deeply because he misses me so much. I know he loves me and I know it kills him to not be with me. This is a huge perplexity for me I think because I value love more than security even though security is important. So when you figure it out, please let us know. WF I think you answered your own question! Men do have a sense of honor about their W's, in spite of the way they treat them and the OW... as much as we deplore this treatment, and label them as selfish. I think it's much more complicated than just being selfish.
OWoman Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 IMO, it's not that they'd be selfish. Most of them are selfish. In staying in a miserable marriage, the MM is denying his wife the right to move on and find somebody who may not run around on her, and could give her the love that the MM hasn't been giving her. Many BW do not think their marriages are miserable; they're plenty happy with the way things are - aside from the A if there is one, when they discover it (and some even after that, perhaps). So leaving it would make the MM happy, but not the W. Were the MM to be unhappy in the M and leave it, rather than having an A, the W in that scenario would consider him very selfish for wrecking the happy (to her) home, breaking up the family, bringing ruin on their heads, whatever. She certainly would not consider him as unselfish for giving her the right to move on and find someone who loves her - that's not what she wants; what she wants is things as they are, MM to be the man who loves her; not some mythical other waiting out there to be discovered. MMs who leave their wives for someone else they've fallen for, or for no one but for the opportunity to be free to find someone they can love, are viewed as selfish for putting their own needs ahead of their W and their family. MMs who stay, but who get their needs met on the side through an A, are viewed as selfish for not leaving their W and "giving her the right to find someone else.... etc etc etc". So - damned if they do and damned if they don't.
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