To all MM's how do you feel when not with OW?

[GreenEyedLady]

And, FWIW, there was a question earlier posted about the difference between an OW and a "playa". Technically, there isn't. But, on this forum, most of the OW are emotionally attached to their MM. We tend to classify those particular ladies as "OW". The ones that have no real emotional attachment, but are with MM for convenience or monetary benefit (such as Lizzie) people tend to classify as "playa's".

 

A player is someone who has several R's...

 

Many OW are faithful to their MM and do not have other partners...

 

That's the difference...

[mopar crazy]

Wanted to comment on the jewelry comments. Even though he WAS NOT a MM there was a guy that really wanted to go out w/ me. I told him I was flattered but it just wouldn't feel right b/c we were such good friends. He was constantly asking me out, and I was constantly turning him down. I was NOT attracted to him at all. He was nice but so not my type. All of the times I told him no he still bought me jewelry for VD day one year. I thanked him but I told him I couldn't accept the gift. He told me to keep it, even if we were just going to be friends he wanted me to have it. Men do buy jewelry for women even if they don't think they are going to get some action for it.

 

To the OP, how would you feel if your W was after some guy? Let your W go. You obviously don't love her enough to stop doing what you are doing.

[Owl]

I'll buy and agree with GEL's definition...and any further airing of my thoughts/feelings/opinions are likely to fan the flames further.

[Tomcat33]

I'll buy and agree with GEL's definition...and any further airing of my thoughts/feelings/opinions are likely to fan the flames further.

 

 

Fan the flames!?!? what's the point of saying something like most OW fall into the definition of "playa" simply because they are OW and then when asked about it you say I don't want to discuss further or it will fan the flames.

 

It's called making a preconcieved notion based on one's own unfounded beliefs. And that is EXACTLY what people are doing about the OW in this thread simply because she keeps her feelings to herself, because she IS the OW, because she is a dancer and she is young and beautiful people jump to the conclusion that SHE MUST be a player. Pffft "fan the flames" please!! If you make a derrogatory comment just own up to it.

Edited February 18, 2008 by Tomcat33

[IM5150]

IM, you've still not really answered one question.

 

Why don't you divorce your wife since you're not happy in your marriage?

 

How do you think that you're wife will feel/react when she learns about Miss Bikini Girl?

 

Are you ok with making your wife feel that way?

 

 

OK...you're not sure what's going to happen with Miss Bikini...but that has nothing to do with divorcing your wife. Do you see what I'm saying?

 

And, FWIW, there was a question earlier posted about the difference between an OW and a "playa". Technically, there isn't. But, on this forum, most of the OW are emotionally attached to their MM. We tend to classify those particular ladies as "OW". The ones that have no real emotional attachment, but are with MM for convenience or monetary benefit (such as Lizzie) people tend to classify as "playa's".

 

 

divorcing my wife is a very big step. I will lose everything I have. Not that easy. I almost rather divorce by getting caught rather than me telling her what I'm doing and having her make that move. I'm also afraid of being alone. Not sure if I want to go through that. And what if OW is only with me because of "no commitment" and I leave my wife? Then I'm ****ed!

 

I'll need to have more talks with OW to see where we stand.

 

Ok, so i text her this morning to go out and do something since it's a holiday and I have the day off. Hours go by and I don't get a text back, ugh, this sends my stomach in a knot. NOw I'm here with the laptop to my wifes back as i type this and my cell phone rings, wife is right here, it's OW calling, all of a sudden a sense of relief but still hurting because I cannot answer the phone, arghhh!!! OW will have to wait. This sucks, but I'm glad she called.

[IM5150]

I feel like the only fool on these boards posted play by play actions..hehehe, It might bite me in the ass later. I can see my wife finding these boards if she thinks somethings up an reading all this stuff. Talk about great evidence.

[OpenBook]

I feel like the only fool on these boards posted play by play actions..hehehe, It might bite me in the ass later. I can see my wife finding these boards if she thinks somethings up an reading all this stuff. Talk about great evidence.

 

All you've talked about is your feelings toward the OW. You haven't done anything with her. So (even if they could use your LS posts as evidence, which is highly unlikely in itself) there's nothing damning in your posts. So far, anyway.

 

I'm trying to understand why there's no concern about how your W feels... other than your efforts to hide this from her. Do you not feel any guilt about "playing" your W in all this? If not, is it because you've been together so long that you're just "numb" to each other?

[bentnotbroken]

divorcing my wife is a very big step. I will lose everything I have. Not that easy. I almost rather divorce by getting caught rather than me telling her what I'm doing and having her make that move. I'm also afraid of being alone. Not sure if I want to go through that. And what if OW is only with me because of "no commitment" and I leave my wife? Then I'm ****ed!

 

I'll need to have more talks with OW to see where we stand.

 

Ok, so i text her this morning to go out and do something since it's a holiday and I have the day off. Hours go by and I don't get a text back, ugh, this sends my stomach in a knot. NOw I'm here with the laptop to my wifes back as i type this and my cell phone rings, wife is right here, it's OW calling, all of a sudden a sense of relief but still hurting because I cannot answer the phone, arghhh!!! OW will have to wait. This sucks, but I'm glad she called.

 

 

 

So what you are saying is that you are man enough to cheat, but not man enought to give your wife the same option or to be alone. Wow, you're something.

[mopar crazy]

So what you are saying is that you are man enough to cheat, but not man enought to give your wife the same option or to be alone. Wow, you're something.

 

I hope his W DOES find out and D him! This is just sick!

 

Seems he cares more about the materialist things he will lose if he D his W than being faithful to her working on the M.

Edited February 19, 2008 by mopar crazy

[JamesM]

Okay, okay....granted this man is a little blindsided by lust, but he has had the guts to keep coming back here and posting his story. DO you think it is really necessary to keep beating him up over the fact he is cheating on his wife? I think he knows how stupid some people think he is. Saying it over and over again won't make it stick any more.

[Lookingforward]

divorcing my wife is a very big step. I will lose everything I have.

 

please, no-one these days 'loses everything' so forget THAT excuse

[Tomcat33]

Okay, okay....granted this man is a little blindsided by lust, but he has had the guts to keep coming back here and posting his story. DO you think it is really necessary to keep beating him up over the fact he is cheating on his wife? I think he knows how stupid some people think he is. Saying it over and over again won't make it stick any more.

 

 

I know seriously!!!

[IM5150]

 

I'm trying to understand why there's no concern about how your W feels... other than your efforts to hide this from her. Do you not feel any guilt about "playing" your W in all this? If not, is it because you've been together so long that you're just "numb" to each other?

 

I'm trying to figure that out myself. I tell myself all the time that my brain does not function properly. How can I risk giving up everything I have for OW? I have a wife, a very supportive one , I own a house, a nice car, 2 healthy and beautiful daughters, a good job, ect. HOw is it that I risk all of this for a girl, a gitl that is much younger than me, that I don't feel has her life together yet, that I cannot rely on to be there with me in the long run. My wife would be by my side until the day I DIE. YOu can chop my arms off, chop my legs off, turn me into a vegetable and she will be there till the end. I know this because for 2 years in 2000 I had a disease that I thought would ruin my life forever and she stuck with me, going to the most advanced medical clinics availble until I was cured. I know how much my wife loves me but why, why, why do I not feel the same? I take all I have for granted and I feel only when it is all taken away from me will I feel the wrath of pain that it will cause. Why is this that I'm going through soooo powerful that it continues to consume me. It'll swallow me and spit me out when it's done with me.

 

This whole experience is sick, I wish it would have never happened but it has and I'm facing it. No I'm not making the right desicions but this is my life and my destiny wherever that may lead.

[JamesM]

 

This whole experience is sick, I wish it would have never happened but it has and I'm facing it. No I'm not making the right desicions but this is my life and my destiny wherever that may lead.

 

Rather you are living it, and deciding where it will go. Life doesn't just happen...you make it happen.

 

"Wherever that may lead..." is where you choose to go. It is not about following when it is your life, it is about doing and choosing.

[Tomcat33]

Rather you are living it, and deciding where it will go. Life doesn't just happen...you make it happen.

 

"Wherever that may lead..." is where you choose to go. It is not about following when it is your life, it is about doing and choosing.

 

 

So so true. Wish it was that crystal clear when you are in the situation.

When you are in the throes of lust/love whatever it may be, in an affair you tend to "convince" yourself that things are happening for a reason. It's like trying to stop a speeding train with a feather and you really do think life is taking a course of its own.

[JamesM]

So so true. Wish it was that crystal clear when you are in the situation.

When you are in the throes of lust/love whatever it may be, in an affair you tend to "convince" yourself that things are happening for a reason. It's like trying to stop a speeding train with a feather and you really do think life is taking a course of its own.

 

I think I understand. The feelings are so awesome yet confusing. The feelings bring joy and fear at the same time. The feelings of excitement like never experienced before do end up taking over, and it is like actually taking the ride on that speeding train. Life is not only out of control, but as a rider, you want to be with it...out of control.

 

Yet deep down you know that a train out of control will inevitably crash. But the thing is...you don't care. This DOES seem to be your destiny. It IS what you think you want. That thrill inside...you do not want it to end. Just one more minute, please!

 

Sad thing is..when the train hits the wall, then you wake up. And like in a train crash, when you wake up, it may already be too late. Except in life, the "train crash" may be your marriage and family instead of your life.

 

No intention of a face slap here, IM. I guess I was playing out this analogy. I do understand your feelings. And having been almost where you are, I was consumed by a woman who was not good for me. Fortunately, she quit driving the train, because I don't know if I would have wanted to get off either.

[OWoman]

divorcing my wife is a very big step. I will lose everything I have. Not that easy. I almost rather divorce by getting caught rather than me telling her what I'm doing and having her make that move. I'm also afraid of being alone. Not sure if I want to go through that. And what if OW is only with me because of "no commitment" and I leave my wife? Then I'm ****ed!

 

IM, while I admire your honesty in posting this in the face of all the bashing it's going to bring, I do hope you realise that this is likely to draw a hostile response from many sides. Essentially what you've said here is that

• your levels of comfort outweigh any consideration you have for your W
  
• you don't love your W anywhere near as much as she loves you, but she's OK to stick around with as a "Plan B woman"
  
• You'll stay with your W if that's what it takes to keep the OW
  
• You're afraid of being alone.

That's pretty honest, but it's also pretty scary. You're looking to a woman (first choice OW, second choice W) not to augment you, but to complete you. You see yourself as incomplete without (insert woman of the moment here). IM, that is very different to love. That's co-dependence. And your later comment that James picked up on about your life leading you places underscores that you're not seeing yourself as an active, adult human being here who's making choices and acting on them. Rather, you're following your needs and compulsions. Your wanting the OW is coming from a position of weakness, if that's the case, and not a position of strength.

 

Love is based on respect, not need. What you're showing here is that you don't respect your wife, but you'd need her in the absence of OW. Which suggests that you need, rather than respect, OW too. IM I would really suggest you explore with a counsellor why you're afraid to be alone, and what it is that you find missing in you that you seek to complete through having another person around. Perhaps once you understand yourself in that way you'll be able to choose, to decide, to act, in the interests of everyone's happiness but especially your own.

[Tomcat33]

I think I understand. The feelings are so awesome yet confusing. The feelings bring joy and fear at the same time. The feelings of excitement like never experienced before do end up taking over, and it is like actually taking the ride on that speeding train. Life is not only out of control, but as a rider, you want to be with it...out of control.

 

Yet deep down you know that a train out of control will inevitably crash. But the thing is...you don't care. This DOES seem to be your destiny. It IS what you think you want. That thrill inside...you do not want it to end. Just one more minute, please!

 

Sad thing is..when the train hits the wall, then you wake up. And like in a train crash, when you wake up, it may already be too late. Except in life, the "train crash" may be your marriage and family instead of your life.

 

No intention of a face slap here, IM. I guess I was playing out this analogy. I do understand your feelings. And having been almost where you are, I was consumed by a woman who was not good for me. Fortunately, she quit driving the train, because I don't know if I would have wanted to get off either.

 

 

WOW you understand that better than I could have explained it!!

That is very much my undestanding of how it feels. I would add one small part to that and that is, I would say that even though you know it is out of control and you might crash you do have the hope that you won't, it's like playing chicken it could happen or you might beat the odds and survive it.

 

Hope is your best friend and worst enemy really...

[LucreziaBorgia]

I hope for your sake that your wife never finds out.

 

She has stood by you through your roughest times, and if you get busted she will be thinking... "I stood by him all this time through his darkest hours, and he rewards me by risking everything we have to be with a stripper/hooker".

 

I'm not saying that OW is a stripper or a hooker, but good luck trying to convince your wife of that when the time comes.

[Owl]

That was an awesome summary and explanation, Owoman. I found it very well thought out. And very likely accurate too.

 

I know that the comments and advice given by us "BS's" is often considered bashing.

 

My question is this...what, exactly, are you hoping to get by posting here, IM? Are you looking for validation of your feelings for OW, are you looking for perspectives from all sides, are you hoping to find advice on how to advance your affair, are you looking for advice on how to resolve the situation you're in?

[Owl]

Pffft "fan the flames" please!! If you make a derrogatory comment just own up to it.

 

I absolutely own up to it. I've made no effort to hide the fact that I think that there are two major categories of "OW" here...and that some ARE what are commonly considered as "players".

 

I also don't see the value of continuing to argue over the subject. All that would accomplish is to get this thread locked.

[JamesM]

 

My question is this...what, exactly, are you hoping to get by posting here, IM? Are you looking for validation of your feelings for OW, are you looking for perspectives from all sides, are you hoping to find advice on how to advance your affair, are you looking for advice on how to resolve the situation you're in?

 

My guess is yes to all of the above.

 

Personally, if I was he, then this list would be some of my reasons. I also would be using it as an online journal...with live feedback.

[LOVE DAISIES]

Hi IM. I just caught up on this thread and wanted to comment.

 

I know a man very similar to you, who I have/had a emotional relationship with. I am convinced he is ALSO very co dependent on his relationships and afraid of being alone. he even said this to me himself.

 

I agree that if you risk your marriage for this OW, and if things don;t work out, it WILL be then and ONLY then that you see what your marriage means to you. This is not (in my opinion) very unusual behavior with MM who cheat on their wives. I know in my heart that if my ex MM's wife actually LEFT him, depsite how unhappy or unfulfilled he claims to be, he would be a wreck. I persoanlly think it's selfish behavior, because they use

the affair as a catalyst to destroy their marriage but then act like victims

when it does.

 

You will do whatever you want to do, but just be prepared for the fallout when it happens.

[IM5150]

My guess is yes to all of the above.

 

Personally, if I was he, then this list would be some of my reasons. I also would be using it as an online journal...with live feedback.

 

James is right. I'm not sure the reaction I would get posting here and I wanted to see the type of feedback I got. Some of it is sounded like a broken record player, especially the "I hope your wife finds out" part. I'm sure you do hope it, so be it. If and when she does you'll be the first to know, how's that

[Mustang Sally]

divorcing my wife is a very big step. I will lose everything I have. Not that easy. I almost rather divorce by getting caught rather than me telling her what I'm doing and having her make that move. I'm also afraid of being alone. Not sure if I want to go through that. And what if OW is only with me because of "no commitment" and I leave my wife? Then I'm ****ed!

Ok.

Wowsa.

Just wow.

 

You do realize, that what you have written above pretty much fits the definition of "CAKE EATER," don't you?

 

Do you care about that? That what you are describing is almost pathologic with it's self-centeredness? Seriously. I'm not trying to bash here. I just can't believe some of the stuff that you are writing.

 

Do you have absolutely no regard for your wife and her feelings in this thing? Again. I'm being serious here. Can you step outside you own "wants and needs" and look at this objectively from someone else's point of view?

 

Or. Maybe you are just more honest than most people? Maybe most people would know how some of this would make them appear and would then seek to de-emphasize such ego-centric and unflattering presentations of themselves? I don't know.

 

What gives, IM? Really.