To all MM's how do you feel when not with OW?

[IM5150]

Let me start by saying that my 6 month relationship with OW is not all lovey dovey. We are more friends than anything else but we also have foreplay and kiss and hug alot when we're together. I see OW once or twice a week. When I'm not with her I feeling sorta depressed all the time and I think about her constantly. I'm curios as to how other MM's feel when not with the OW. I guess my state stems from the uncertain. Not sure what she's doing. She's a single girl and likes to drink and party. I'm 11 years older than her and am more mature and just work and go home everyday. She's away at a wedding today and I haven't talk to her all day and it really sucks. I would think that I'd be happy knowing that we''ll see eachother soon but that's not how I feel. What's up?

[miali]

wow always thought that wehn MM go home they forget all about us!! do you love her?? will u miss her if she decide to break up with u?? have u tell her that u going to leave wife?? do u think about her when u make love to wife??please read my later thread and give me ur opinion

[IM5150]

wow always thought that wehn MM go home they forget all about us!! do you love her?? will u miss her if she decide to break up with u?? have u tell her that u going to leave wife?? do u think about her when u make love to wife??please read my later thread and give me ur opinion

 

Do I love her? I don't think so, but then again, I'm not sure I know how to love. Will I miss her? Absoultely! I'm missing her right now for not talking with her for day. We usually talk everyday. She went to Reno for a wedding. She said she'd be back tonight but I doubt she'll be coming back tonight. I probably have thought about her before when having sex with wife but that doesn't happen often, about once a month.

[miali]

u don't know how to love??? pleasee explain??

 

how did you meet her?? had u have another affair before>> do you ever think that she may be with another man and how do u feel?? are u only phisically attracted to her??

[IM5150]

u don't know how to love??? pleasee explain??

 

how did you meet her?? had u have another affair before>> do you ever think that she may be with another man and how do u feel?? are u only phisically attracted to her??

 

 

Miali, I have an extensive thread going on in the infidelity forum if you want to get more info.

 

I met her from a friend. I've never had an affair before, this is my first. It always runs through my mind if there is another man although I don't think there is and it's just me being paraniod like I always am about everything. I use to be just physically attracted to her but not it's growing into EA I think. If I was only PA to her then I don't think that I would think about her constantly. I guess my question is what constitutes love? I mean, I think about her everyday, I'm sad when I'm not with her and in heaven when I am. I love hugging her and kissing her. I stare at my phone all day hoping it's her when it rings. I fell in love with my ringtone on my ophone that I set for her. Maybe I'm being obsessive, that's scary.

[miali]

i was reading your thread

 

i'm soo sad to read ur story it is pretty much like mine with marry man...he said i was his fist affair...we only fool around for six months...he said he felt guilty and confused and that why he won't have sex with me. is that the reason u don't have sex with her?? or why is keeping u??

 

I could never believe anything he said...about that i was his first... being guilty and confused then became very jelous of him...thinking that he was fooling around...and that was my down fall...we started fighting a lot after that. It really became a nightmare!! We broke up and came back many time. I felt deeply in love with him but he never told me his feeling so i was confused about his feeling and that provoke me to ight with him a lot. He was always there for me and he always honest about that he'll never leave his wife (wife family too involve in his business)

 

i ran away to another country to be away from him. do u think that he miss me?? I sent @mail last week to let him know someone would call him for reference...he said that he was happy to hear that i'm about to get a job here...to make sure i give that person his direct line and that he wish me happiness and that good thing going to come to me

[Lyssa]

I probably have thought about her before when having sex with wife but that doesn't happen often, about once a month.

 

Hmmm okay - which doesn't happen often? Thinking of OW while having sex with W or sex with W?

 

It always runs through my mind if there is another man although I don't think there is and it's just me being paraniod like I always am about everything. I use to be just physically attracted to her but not it's growing into EA I think. If I was only PA to her then I don't think that I would think about her constantly. I guess my question is what constitutes love? I mean, I think about her everyday, I'm sad when I'm not with her and in heaven when I am. I love hugging her and kissing her. I stare at my phone all day hoping it's her when it rings. I fell in love with my ringtone on my ophone that I set for her. Maybe I'm being obsessive, that's scary.

 

Of course you would feel paranoid - you are having an A so it's only natural to think that she'd have someone else. Even if she does, would you blame her? I don't think you have the right to stop her from seeing someone else, right?

 

What do you plan to do now? Leave both and concentrate on yourself so that you can learn on how to love or work on your M?

 

I'm in no way attacking you, just trying to understand more of your situation now. I read your other thread but it was weeks ago so am wondering what's the latest.

[LadyDi]

You're going to get eaten alive in here......

 

As for me, I have always wondered what the MM I had been seeing was thinking. Nice to hear from the other side. Now if you ever go no contact, I'd love to know how you feel then too. Do you miss her? Think about her alot, but know you can't see her/contact her? I'd love to know some of that stuff.

[OWoman]

When I'm not with her I feeling sorta depressed all the time and I think about her constantly. I'm curios as to how other MM's feel when not with the OW.

 

I can't speak for my MM but if the constant stream of emails, text messaging and IRC chats are anything to go by, he thinks of nothing but me and I've no idea how he gets any work done!

[Impudent Oyster]

If you want to know how MM feel why don't you go and find a website where MM go and post about their feelings.......

 

Good luck with that!

[Tomcat33]

I did just that, I went to a site that was suggested in another thread here a couple of days ago and read how MM/MP feel and I was so surprised. I can't believe how many of them really do coincide with what my guy used say to me and they really are staying for all sorts of reasons and love is not necessarily one of them, they stay for material reasons but think of their OP, they really do stay for the kids, they are about to D because cannot take it anymore, or are simply a different person in the A (more open and honest and able to really be themselves than they can be with their partners at home) that was really sad to see actually, to think a person is married to another human being and they have NO clue who they are with yet another person that comes into the picture for the short term REALLY gets to know them because THEY choose to be open with them.

[Lyssa]

I did just that, I went to a site that was suggested in another thread here a couple of days ago and read how MM/MP feel and I was so surprised. I can't believe how many of them really do coincide with what my guy used say to me and they really are staying for all sorts of reasons and love is not necessarily one of them, they stay for material reasons but think of their OP, they really do stay for the kids, they are about to D because cannot take it anymore, or are simply a different person in the A (more open and honest and able to really be themselves than they can be with their partners at home) that was really sad to see actually, to think a person is married to another human being and they have NO clue who they are with yet another person that comes into the picture for the short term REALLY gets to know them because THEY choose to be open with them.

 

TC! I read them after I saw your post! I just had to after knowing you went to check it out. I read the same thing and yes, it is quite sad. I also read the articles (during those times ) - one really was so so close to my situation - BF could have written it!

[Lyssa]

You're going to get eaten alive in here......

 

I believe he has gone through worst on Infidelity board

 

IM5150 - I can get MM to write to you, that is when he has a little bit of free time to do so! Meanwhile, you can read some of his posts on here - well, on a few threads last year . He is no longer married but his posts were based on during the times he was.

[OpenBook]

I did just that, I went to a site that was suggested in another thread here a couple of days ago and read how MM/MP feel and I was so surprised. I can't believe how many of them really do coincide with what my guy used say to me and they really are staying for all sorts of reasons and love is not necessarily one of them, they stay for material reasons but think of their OP, they really do stay for the kids, they are about to D because cannot take it anymore, or are simply a different person in the A (more open and honest and able to really be themselves than they can be with their partners at home) that was really sad to see actually, to think a person is married to another human being and they have NO clue who they are with yet another person that comes into the picture for the short term REALLY gets to know them because THEY choose to be open with them.

 

I wonder, though, if the OW is getting an accurate picture of the guy. It's so easy for the MM to present himself to the OW in whatever manner he chooses. They have no history together -- or if they do, it is in a controlled environment such as work where everybody's watching their P's and Q's -- so she is none the wiser.

 

I think the W knows him better in some ways, simply because of the relatively long history they share. She has seen him (and put up with him) at his worst. But again, he can fool her as well. He knows where all her buttons are, and has become skilled in avoiding them. And she has built up her defenses against him over time, so she likely has some blinders on.

[IM5150]

I did just that, I went to a site that was suggested in another thread here a couple of days ago and read how MM/MP feel and I was so surprised. I can't believe how many of them really do coincide with what my guy used say to me and they really are staying for all sorts of reasons and love is not necessarily one of them, they stay for material reasons but think of their OP, they really do stay for the kids, they are about to D because cannot take it anymore, or are simply a different person in the A (more open and honest and able to really be themselves than they can be with their partners at home) that was really sad to see actually, to think a person is married to another human being and they have NO clue who they are with yet another person that comes into the picture for the short term REALLY gets to know them because THEY choose to be open with them.

 

Do you have the address to the other site?

[OWoman]

I wonder, though, if the OW is getting an accurate picture of the guy. It's so easy for the MM to present himself to the OW in whatever manner he chooses. They have no history together -- or if they do, it is in a controlled environment such as work where everybody's watching their P's and Q's -- so she is none the wiser.

 

I think this depends on the situation, and each A is no doubt different in this regard. Some OW are fully integrated into their MM's lives, hidden only from the W, and so have access to all those years of history and all that data through friends and family. Others see only the glitter of MM on best behaviour during their brief encounters. Many will fall between the extremes. And the longer the A, the more history together. Some As have a longer shared history than the M - if you think about Prince Charles and his OW, now his W, vs the very brief flicker that was his (first) M. Who would you suppose knew him better - the OW that was part of his social circle, a former GF, wife of a close friend, and his confidante, or some girl he got to know and married fairly quickly, lived largely separately from, and whose interests and social circles remained very separate from his?

 

I think the W knows him better in some ways, simply because of the relatively long history they share. She has seen him (and put up with him) at his worst.

 

OB I disagree with this. I think in that scenario, the W makes assumptions based on the way he WAS when she was intensely interested in getting to know him, ie at the beginning of the R (the kind of space many OWs are in with the MM) and once they became comfortable together, both stopped really intensely wanting to get to know each other, and simply worked on the data they'd already collected, and slipped into comfortable ways of doing things that got entrenched over the years. And stayed put, no matter how the individuals changed. So when the OW comes along, she seems MM as he is NOW, not based on those years ago when she last took a long hard close look like the W often relies on... until something upsets the applecart and they have to step back and re-look, and realise things have changed.

 

I think it's very hard to generalise about these kinds of things.

[silktricks]

IOB I disagree with this. I think in that scenario, the W makes assumptions based on the way he WAS when she was intensely interested in getting to know him, ie at the beginning of the R (the kind of space many OWs are in with the MM) and once they became comfortable together, both stopped really intensely wanting to get to know each other, and simply worked on the data they'd already collected, and slipped into comfortable ways of doing things that got entrenched over the years. And stayed put, no matter how the individuals changed.

Although it's undoubted that there can be a certain amount of slipping into a comfortable way of doing things. Don't you think that simply the fact of living and sharing similar experiences that people have to change their vision of a person? It seems difficult to believe that someone who has themselves experienced changed over - oh say 20 years - wouldn't expect that their partner would have changed as well.

 

So when the OW comes along, she sees MM as he is NOW, not based on those years ago when she last took a long hard close look like the W often relies on... until something upsets the applecart and they have to step back and re-look, and realise things have changed.

 

I think it's very hard to generalise about these kinds of things.

 

Although she would see MM as he is now, she may also more be seeing MM as he WANTS to be seen now, rather than as he actually IS. But you are also undoubtedly right that she will not be seeing him through the filter of the years experience the wife has - which is not necessarily a bad thing, either .

 

Of course the key is your last line. It's downright impossible to generalise.

 

Oh yeah, and the question the OP posed. I (as y'all know) am a former BS. However, I'd like to say that from my perspective this is what my husband felt (with the perception of hindsight and MANY discussions with him):

He missed her. His was a LDEA (long distance EA). The e-mails they exchanged were very important to him. When they couldn't communicate he would get depressed. The longer the virtual relationship continued, the better she seemed to him and the more he missed her. However, when he would actually see her, she couldn't live up to the person his mind had constructed - and then he'd be angry at her for failing to be who he had convinced himself she was. Three in person visits ended the relationship. I have zero idea if his situation was average or non-average, but from what I've read on LS, it doesn't seem to be similar to most of the OW who post here.

Edited February 15, 2008 by silktricks

[IM5150]

Hmmm okay - which doesn't happen often? Thinking of OW while having sex with W or sex with W?

 

 

 

Of course you would feel paranoid - you are having an A so it's only natural to think that she'd have someone else. Even if she does, would you blame her? I don't think you have the right to stop her from seeing someone else, right?

 

What do you plan to do now? Leave both and concentrate on yourself so that you can learn on how to love or work on your M?

 

I'm in no way attacking you, just trying to understand more of your situation now. I read your other thread but it was weeks ago so am wondering what's the latest.

 

 

The sex with wife doesn't happen often. We lack the fire so it's not that enjoyable for me and plus, since the OW is always on my mind it makes the sex with my wife more undesirable although I haven't had sex with the OW yet.

 

Would I blame her if she had someone else? I already told her that if she found some one that she wants to be with then that's OK but to let me know so i can move on. I don't want to share her with another guy. I was already married so that doesn't really count.

 

What I plan to do now is continue with OW. I really want to be intimate with her, I mean it's been 6 months of being really close together and still no sex and it's killing me. The other night at a club she gave me X and the feelings towards eachother grew very strong. I miss that night and want to do it all over again. I think the sex is very close. It needs to happen.

 

So the latest is that we're still seeing each other when we can. The last couple of encounters have been very physical and I think we continue to move forward with this. NC with this girl right now is not even an option for me.

[whichwayisup]

Would I blame her if she had someone else? I already told her that if she found some one that she wants to be with then that's OK but to let me know so i can move on. I don't want to share her with another guy. I was already married so that doesn't really count.

 

The OW is alot younger than you, knows you're married and lying to your wife, so why would you expect or even hope that she would owe you anything, let alone be faithful to you? Sorry IM, but if your OW is seeing other guys, she's not going to tell you about it and ruin her fun with you. Honestly, it seems like you both are using eachother for different reasons and there's no real "love" and honesty between the two of you. It's physical, it's fun, and NO committments have been made. You cannot put that on her, seeing as you have a wife. The OW isn't stupid either, so it seems...Her actions kind of tell you that you are not 1st on her priority list, which is good for her, she won't hurt later.

[Tomcat33]

What I plan to do now is continue with OW. I really want to be intimate with her, I mean it's been 6 months of being really close together and still no sex and it's killing me. The other night at a club she gave me X and the feelings towards eachother grew very strong. I miss that night and want to do it all over again. I think the sex is very close. It needs to happen.

 

IM5150 Of course you were closer now you did X together, X always heightens your senses. I bet if you took X with your W you might just see her in a different light for the moment as well, question is what did you feel when you came off of it?

Look X is all about the moment, about the sensation about what you feel in your environment and not to mention it is one HELL of a lot of fun! How could you not want to repeat that? You seem to just be looking for escape and that's great we ALL want escape but are you prepared to for this and at what price?

 

 

Do you have the address to the other site?

look for philanderers international. it looks supportive in terms of how open you can be without having to justify your thoughs/feelings. well that is the impression I got, of what I little I saw.

 

TC! I read them after I saw your post! I just had to after knowing you went to check it out. I read the same thing and yes, it is quite sad. I also read the articles (during those times ) - one really was so so close to my situation - BF could have written it!

 

what did you think L?

 

I wonder, though, if the OW is getting an accurate picture of the guy. It's so easy for the MM to present himself to the OW in whatever manner he chooses. They have no history together -- or if they do, it is in a controlled environment such as work where everybody's watching their P's and Q's -- so she is none the wiser.

 

I think the W knows him better in some ways, simply because of the relatively long history they share. She has seen him (and put up with him) at his worst. But again, he can fool her as well. He knows where all her buttons are, and has become skilled in avoiding them. And she has built up her defenses against him over time, so she likely has some blinders on.

 

Yeah sure I have my doubts too but I was more explaining what I saw over on that other site, and these are people talking from first hand experience do I think that is how all MM think not a chance. Do I even believe have the stuff I read there to be as it was for my ex, yes and no, not necessarily but it is a different prespective to what we are used to seeing around here, which more often than not comes from the mouths of people who are NOT in the shoes of the WS.

 

What the thread I mentioned basically talked about was that the needs that are not being met at home because in some cases it boils down to something as simple as sexual incompatibility FOR example, the WS can be a lot more open and true to who THEY really are with the OP and they just close up at home. They have to act and be a certain way at home when what they really want is to just be themselves like they are when they are with the OP. After many years a person can become stifled in a relationship, so much so that they lose themselves in the other person where by because in the A it is a much more carefree relationship the WS seems to find themselves again in the other new person. And I definitely see some truth to that.

[IM5150]

The OW is alot younger than you, knows you're married and lying to your wife, so why would you expect or even hope that she would owe you anything, let alone be faithful to you? Sorry IM, but if your OW is seeing other guys, she's not going to tell you about it and ruin her fun with you. Honestly, it seems like you both are using eachother for different reasons and there's no real "love" and honesty between the two of you. It's physical, it's fun, and NO committments have been made. You cannot put that on her, seeing as you have a wife. The OW isn't stupid either, so it seems...Her actions kind of tell you that you are not 1st on her priority list, which is good for her, she won't hurt later.

 

Well, she's always asking me who I'm with whenever I'm out. any time I'm on my phone she wants to know who it is, when I'm texting, who am i texting? If I mention a girl (client) she gets bent out of shape. She wants me to herself, does not want to compete with other girls and she knows there are other girls that i frequently talk to. I would think that she expects to provide me the same level of monogamy between us two. Granted i have a wife but again that doesn't count.

[Impudent Oyster]

Granted i have a wife but again that doesn't count.

 

Having a wife "doesn't count"? That may be the funniest thing I've ever read here. Seriously.

[IM5150]

Having a wife "doesn't count"? That may be the funniest thing I've ever read here. Seriously.

 

What IO mean here is that she knows I'm not "cheating" on her with my wife because what I do with my wife is expected, it's part of my marriage. Now if I went out for drinks with another girl that is not my wife then she would consider that I'm "cheating" on her. What doesn't make sense here?

[Tomcat33]

Having a wife "doesn't count"? That may be the funniest thing I've ever read here. Seriously.

 

 

I know what he meas by this, it doesn't count ie. the W is NOT a point of contention for the OW because she knows that that he is doing things with her, there are no lies and she pretty much knows what the man feels for his W since he is with her. It is out in the open and he is not doing anything she doesnt already know, now if the man started dating another woman on the side that is when all the ___ would hit the fan. That is a different story, it is direct competition and the woman would feel threatened, I know this will be hard to digest but the W is no competition he is obviously not into her while he is having the A so there is not risk at all. That is how I felt, I knew that even if he went back it was not because he was head overheels for his W those feelings he reserved for me, had he left me for another woman that would have been a totally different thing.

 

IM5150 I don't think your OW is sharing you with others I have read enough of your posts and given what you tell, it sounds like she is significantly enough into you that she is not concerned with other guys. when a woman is really into a guy she doesn't care about other men no matter how much attention she gets of how good looking she is.

[Impudent Oyster]

What IO mean here is that she knows I'm not "cheating" on her with my wife because what I do with my wife is expected, it's part of my marriage. Now if I went out for drinks with another girl that is not my wife then she would consider that I'm "cheating" on her. What doesn't make sense here?

 

I know what you meant, and NONE of it makes sense to me. I guess that's why I could never be the OW, I can't separate a woman that you go home to every night, support and sleep with from a woman you might just be going out for drinks with.

 

If I had to choose between the two, I'd rather you just go out for drinks with someone...but then again, nothing you've said makes a lot of sense to me.

 

What are you looking for here? Sympathy? Understanding? Justification?

 

What's your question/problem? You want to validate your feelings? You want to know why you miss the OW? Do you want to know how you can get in her pants?

 

I know you said you feel that the sex is "very close" and it "needs to happen". How romantic.