Does love exist?

[wendi_just_me]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana','sans-serif]I do enjoy the flexibility of being single, but at the same time I long for love. Honestly, I think it's strange. You can tell yourself that love is not real, that human beings are just another species of animal on this earth, and that you don't need someone, but we all know how empty loneliness can be. The embedded instinct to reproduce burdens even those who have decided to never bear offspring: even if we decide to forever be alone we will inevitably be enticed by the opposite sex (or desired sex). Although I am a relatively attractive college student in my mid twenties, it is extremely hard to meet men that want a serious relationship. When you are my age (or older) you begin to realize that 'love' is a crock of sh*t. Sure, you can get laid, but that doesn't fill the hole in your soul that loneliness has created. In my opinion, most singles my age realize the complexity, annoyance, and compromise a relationship guarantees. Our human nature calls us to sexual intercourse and our highly advanced human minds entice us never become further involved. The element that is responsible for this avoidant behavior is the same element that causes us to obey our government, abide by our religion, and abandon our true passions: fear. We fear being alone, we fear constant companionship, we fear confusion, we fear understanding, we fear lies, we fear the truth, we fear imbalance, we fear balance, we fear suffering, we fear ecstasy, we fear heartache, we fear love, we fear failure, we fear success, we fear others, we fear ourselves, we fear life, and most of all we fear death. We are the most superior species on the face of the earth, yet we are still afraid. Perhaps we are not as highly evolved as we believe we are. Perhaps when we eliminate our fears we can be truly superior; perhaps, only then, will love truly exist.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Lucasarts]

um

 

someone spends a lot of time reading Scientific American huh?

 

hahah just kidding, but i do believe that love does exist, how else can you explain the relationships of those that last 10-20 years? Now I'm not saying love is a permanent thing, but honestly I can't fathom the idea of spending half of my lifetime with one girl. . . the idea of it scares me sometimes. But I too am in the same boat as you (maybe not word for word), I've been with a few good girls in my life and even though the relationships were nice. . . I've never felt anything inside that was like "love."

 

I'm not afraid of falling in love, the idea of it sounds very genuine and wholesome; I just think I haven't been able to find someone that really knows me and makes me feel like I need them. My parents always told me that you may never know when it'll happen, but when it does, you'll never regret it. So I'm always open to finding that someone. . . and believe me, I've been searching and always seem to come up empty. For now though, you're still young and you only live once. . . so just enjoy life to the fullest and let it come to you. You can't force someone to love you.

[directx]

I think romantic/relationship love exists, however, I don't think everyone achieves it.

 

It just may simply not be for everyone.

And the lucky ones, well, they are probably happy.

[LoveLace]

I think romantic/relationship love exists, however, I don't think everyone achieves it.

 

It just may simply not be for everyone.

And the lucky ones, well, they are probably happy.

 

This is why I get tired of my married friends repeating "You will find somebody. All this is means is your not settling, so when you do find someone, it'll be great"....

 

Okay optimism is just fine...but what makes these people think they are psychic? How do they know I'll find someone? Because they did? I appreciate the comfort...but ya know, there are people who go through entire life without finding love they desire. They finally stopped telling me these things because once i said, Look, just accept it, not everyone gets to where you are. Just because I want it, doesn't mean I'll get it....heart-brokenly, but it's true.

 

I'm 31 and starting to feel one of the ultimate fears that the OP speaks of...being alone forever, and dying that way...sounds so dark and depressing doesn't it? But god, it's really possible. I'm convinced if I looked more like the chick in my avatar, I'd probably have someone...I'm just average-looking, even though I dress up and make-up and I'm considered "cute" by most. But "cute" doesn't seem to be enough...I'm more confident about my personality than my looks now...it used to be the other way around.

[directx]

thats great to hear lovelace.

yes, I wish I realized what you wrote when I was younger. but also, I really didn't know what love really was anyway. I probably still do not.

 

I love your change about yourself where you are more confident personality wise than looks wise.

I think that is very healthy and I think you will end up happy.

 

I despise those people that you described, like 'you should get married' or 'you'll find someone'.

F OFF!

Mind your own business and enjoy your misery is what I would want to tell them today.

 

And don't worry about your looks. I bet you are fine. Confidence adds tons to attractivness.

 

Ever hear that song about Natalie Merchant 'She'll make her way'? that song is about a very ugly woman (had some type of face disfiguration) but she just went on and had men crazy about her and quite a few marriage proposals. Its a good inspirational song once you realize that, but Natalie rarely tells what her songs are about

[pandagirl]

Wow. It's really interesting reading what people have to say on this subject. Sure, every single person feels occasionally that love doesn't exist -- it's human nature. But, just because you are "single" does not mean you are alone, nor does it mean that love does not exist. Being "alone" is a state of mind; nor should we depend on a person to feel whole or complete. There are so many wonderful things about life... I don't see how it's possible to feel hopeless about love.

 

Mind you, I am a 29 year old woman, who hasn't been in a relationship since her early 20's. I have my issues for sure. Most of my friends are married, and a handful have kids. Sometimes it's a reality check to see where you stand compared to others in committed relationships, but then again, in the grand scheme of things, I'm still pretty young and have my whole life to look forward to.

 

Excuse me for sounding all self-helpy, but love isn't about "finding it," it's about loving yourself and being able to love. Right?

[directx]

Well Pandagirl, I wasn't saying love in general does not exist. Of course it does!

 

thats why i specifically said relationship love.

 

Not everyone is going to find romantic love. And some people are going to fall out of love.

 

And some people get lucky.

 

Thats my opinion. Nobody can say what the correct answer is, because love is different for everyone.

[pandagirl]

 

Not everyone is going to find romantic love. And some people are going to fall out of love.

 

And some people get lucky.

 

Thats my opinion. Nobody can say what the correct answer is, because love is different for everyone.

 

I see what you mean, but I feel like a lot of people think love is fated. Call me completely unromantic, but I feel like beyond the essentials like compatibility, chemistry, and attraction, love is a choice.

 

I come from a family with zero divorces in our family tree, so I'm pretty hopeful about my chances!

[Lovelybird]

Maybe a man or a woman can never fulfill the deep loneliness in our heart, even the close-to-perfect man or woman. Fall-in-love with someone is a just prelude that lead us to bigger love-God, a good loving relationship doesn't mean an end but a beginning.

 

How many couples do you know that they have perfect love relationship? not many. most of people is hoping and imaging some unavailable man or woman is their ultimate goal and ultimate happiness (grass is greener). they assume that IF they can have them, then they will be happy. why they can assume that man or woman can bring happiness to them? because those perfect man and woman are imagenary, a product we produce in our mind, because they are unavailable to us.

 

But in reality, every relationship needs to constant water and nuture, every relationship has high and low, every relationship needs us to get out of our own selfish shell to pay attention to others, if we fail to get out of our selfish shell, fail to connect to higher love, the relationship end up non-fulfilling

[LoveLace]

Wow. It's really interesting reading what people have to say on this subject. Sure, every single person feels occasionally that love doesn't exist -- it's human nature. But, just because you are "single" does not mean you are alone, nor does it mean that love does not exist. Being "alone" is a state of mind; nor should we depend on a person to feel whole or complete. There are so many wonderful things about life... I don't see how it's possible to feel hopeless about love.

 

Mind you, I am a 29 year old woman, who hasn't been in a relationship since her early 20's. I have my issues for sure. Most of my friends are married, and a handful have kids. Sometimes it's a reality check to see where you stand compared to others in committed relationships, but then again, in the grand scheme of things, I'm still pretty young and have my whole life to look forward to.

 

Excuse me for sounding all self-helpy, but love isn't about "finding it," it's about loving yourself and being able to love. Right?

 

 

 

Love exists for many, but I don't think it does for me particurlarly, not the romantic kind I mean. Yea, I didn't care when I was 29, either. But the 2 years older I've gotten since have made one h*ll of an astonishing difference in how lonliness effects me. I conquered the ability to love myself years ago, and I recently realized I have the ability to give love to someone else now. That's why I get frustrated because no one wants to receive it, at least no one that I want to receive it from. Yes there are many wonderful things about life. But to me, the most beautiful to come out of it is love and family. I fear my life passing on by without achieving the ultimate miracle, the biggest miracle that us as humans are able to create...if you don't count medical technology!

[sunshinegirl]

Love exists for many, but I don't think it does for me particurlarly, not the romantic kind I mean. Yea, I didn't care when I was 29, either. But the 2 years older I've gotten since have made one h*ll of an astonishing difference in how lonliness effects me. I conquered the ability to love myself years ago, and I recently realized I have the ability to give love to someone else now. That's why I get frustrated because no one wants to receive it, at least no one that I want to receive it from. Yes there are many wonderful things about life. But to me, the most beautiful to come out of it is love and family. I fear my life passing on by without achieving the ultimate miracle, the biggest miracle that us as humans are able to create...if you don't count medical technology!

 

I can relate to what you're saying & feeling. I'm 34 and right around 31 years of age, I really had to stare into the abyss and contemplate the possibility that I would never find romantic love, & never have children. It came on the heels of a bad breakup with a guy I thought I'd marry. It sounds melodramatic now, but when he left me, something deep down broke. At first, I had a kind of hysterical fear of being alone forever. And then I took a cold, calculated look at the beast. I had to acknowledge that it was a very real possibility that I will never marry. (And to hell with all the people who kept saying "your time will come" or "you'll meet him when you're least expecting it!") How did I feel about that?

 

I struggled with it, fought it, got pissed off about it, got cynical, hated all my friends who had loving relationships, secretly cheered when other friends broke up with their SO's (terrible!), and, eventually, came to terms with it.

 

I started asking myself "and what if your life is like THIS, exactly like THIS, forever? Can you deal with it?"

 

Slowly, I realized I could deal with it. I have four nephews and a niece whom I adore and get to spend a lot of time with (addressing whatever yearnings for kids I had); I have a solid circle of good friends; I have interesting hobbies; I have a loving family.

 

So I made my peace with it. I learned I can stand on my own and have lots of other kinds of love-filled relationships. And that I am enough for me.

 

My post-script almost ruins the story, because I did wind up meeting someone unbelievably, and wonderfully, suited for me. But I think because I now stand so tall on my own, we are that much better for each other. He's a gift and may not be around forever. I know, however, that if he's not around forever, I will still--and always--have myself.

[blind_otter]

I guess it depends on the person. I've been in love a few times in my life. Have a failed marriage under my belt. Divorce definatley changed my views of love and marriage, that's for sure.

 

But I guess I am one of those irritatingly optimistic people who believe that love does exist. And I always ended up stumbling upon it when I least expected it, and didn't want it at all.

[LoveLace]

Thanks for the relate sunshine girl...that's what I find more comfort in than those who repeat "You'll find somebody blah blah blah"...

 

I don't have any siblings. Mom wants to be a grandma real bad. If I had nieces or nephews I would probably be able to find peace with not having children. My mother herself is alone, and she's counting on me to extend our 2-person family. She knows I have a hard time with the age thing so she doesn't pressure me much but still, she has it in her mind that it's going to happen just because it happens to everyone else. But I can't throw my arms up and say "Oh just let my brother/sister take care of that and have the kids"...another reason for being terrified of being old alone...no siblings...no kids...I get tears everytime I think about...ugh

 

So even if or when I meet that someone, the child-bearing issue still weighs on me heavily. So it worries me that as soon as a guy detects my strong concern here, he'll run because my clock won't allow me to wait very long. I know that science is always an option for being a single mom, but that costs a lot of $$ and it would just be too hard to have children and take care of mom all by myself. Plus it's just the incomplete thought of a child with no daddy to love them...I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation for every possible scenario.

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks for the relate sunshine girl...that's what I find more comfort in than those who repeat "You'll find somebody blah blah blah"...

 

I don't have any siblings. Mom wants to be a grandma real bad. If I had nieces or nephews I would probably be able to find peace with not having children. My mother herself is alone, and she's counting on me to extend our 2-person family. She knows I have a hard time with the age thing so she doesn't pressure me much but still, she has it in her mind that it's going to happen just because it happens to everyone else. But I can't throw my arms up and say "Oh just let my brother/sister take care of that and have the kids"...another reason for being terrified of being old alone...no siblings...no kids...I get tears everytime I think about...ugh

 

So even if or when I meet that someone, the child-bearing issue still weighs on me heavily. So it worries me that as soon as a guy detects my strong concern here, he'll run because my clock won't allow me to wait very long. I know that science is always an option for being a single mom, but that costs a lot of $$ and it would just be too hard to have children and take care of mom all by myself. Plus it's just the incomplete thought of a child with no daddy to love them...I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation for every possible scenario.

 

That's tough. I have a few only-child friends who face similar pressure/anxiety from their parents who want to be grandparents. I'm sorry for that.

 

I wonder then, if part of what you need to deal with is the prospect of disappointing your mom?

 

I had to face that one down, interestingly, last summer. My mom is a conservative Christian and wants nothing more for her kids than to have them marry fellow Christians. Well, I'm dating an atheist and if things continue to go well, this is the man I will probably marry. It has been tough for me to work through the fact that this is possibly the single most disappointing thing I could do to my mother. There have been tears, I have felt torn and guilty, and... in the end, I had to accept the fact that I might well disappoint her.

 

It's not the same thing, I realize, as your situation. But maybe something in there might be helpful? (or maybe not!)

[latefragment]

lovelace - do we have the same MOM?!!! i posted some more details about my mom in the other thread (cool to be single)... I am an only child too, so my mom's made me the center of attention. Luckily she doesn't harp about grandkids but I JUST KNOW she wants them.

 

Anyway, yeah, talk about pressure. I had a nightmare last night where my mom was yelling at me like she used to when I was younger (and even now, when she gets REALLY PO'd) and I woke up in a cold sweat. I've never had a dream like that before but I have been thinking a lot about her neediness lately and it scared the hell out of me.

 

Sunshinegirl, that is an amazing story. I, too, have been trying to make peace with the fact that I may never have a loving relationship. But for me, I feel this physical pain at not being embraced by a guy - sounds funny, right? the lack of cuddling leads me to feel physical pain. So, if it weren't for feeling like I need to be held or snuggled by a guy (I have female friends who don't snuggle me , LOL , but I get hugs) maybe I would be OK with being single for ever... Or I can work on it mentally and try to dominate... mind over matter! PrincessBOT alluded to it in an earlier thread of hers, where she confessed that at night she feels physical pain at not being held by someone ... after one has been single for a long time. Did you ever feel that way?

 

Also, sunshinegirl, how long was it between your breakup at age 31 and when you met your now-Significant other. Was it 6 months, a year?

 

Also, did you feel that you changed the way you looked at a potential partner? Like became more picky... or less picky?

 

Sorry for so many questions.

[sunshinegirl]

Sunshinegirl, that is an amazing story. I, too, have been trying to make peace with the fact that I may never have a loving relationship. But for me, I feel this physical pain at not being embraced by a guy - sounds funny, right? the lack of cuddling leads me to feel physical pain. So, if it weren't for feeling like I need to be held or snuggled by a guy (I have female friends who don't snuggle me , LOL , but I get hugs) maybe I would be OK with being single for ever... Or I can work on it mentally and try to dominate... mind over matter! PrincessBOT alluded to it in an earlier thread of hers, where she confessed that at night she feels physical pain at not being held by someone ... after one has been single for a long time. Did you ever feel that way?

 

Also, sunshinegirl, how long was it between your breakup at age 31 and when you met your now-Significant other. Was it 6 months, a year?

 

Also, did you feel that you changed the way you looked at a potential partner? Like became more picky... or less picky?

 

Sorry for so many questions.

 

Strangely, I didn't as much feel the pain of not being embraced as I did the emotional pain of solitude. But I might be an odd duck: I didn't have sex until a year ago!! So most likely, I didn't know what I was missing at the tender age of 31.

 

Let's see... my breakup happened a month after I turned 31... and I started dating the current BF a month after I turned 33. So almost exactly two years passed in between.

 

And here's the fascinating thing - I actually did change the way I looked at potential partners. I wouldn't say I became more or less picky, but I started valuing different things. And in valuing different things, I actually opened my mind and heart to potential mates that I would never ever have considered before.

 

What I mean is this: up until age 31 I dated men who looked fantastic "on paper". In theory they were great for me - well educated, Christians, well-traveled, articulate, outgoing. Oddly, lawyers as well. But the relationships fell apart.

 

In the two years after the bad breakup at 31, I decided to stop banning divorced men from the pool. And I stopped insisting that I date Christians only. And I stopped insisting that I date gregarious, charismatic men.

 

And who have I wound up with? A man who had an 11-year marriage and has a 6-year old daughter. Atheist. Scientist. Introverted. And more wonderful to me, and for me, than anyone I've dated before.

 

So, again, not a matter of me lowering my standards or anything. I think it's been a case of me understanding better the character qualities that I want and need, and my BF has them in spades. I got a chance to see them come out as I watched him interact with his daughter.

 

Sorry for the threadjack. Hope this helps!

[directx]

I really wish while growing up they had a class about love and marriage, etc.

 

you'd think something so permanent and that can have so much impact on the rest of our lives, some education could be offered. But, people would argue that that's the parents job.

Am I making any sense?

[HokeyReligions]

Something someone said about fears and that those in loving relationships don't have the same fears is not totally correct. I'm married and we've been together for 30ish years. We have the same fears about being alone. Eventually one of us will die and the other will be alone.

 

I remember in my 20's being afraid of being alone and sometimes thinking of how afraid I was. I'm have more fear now in a way because I know what I'll be losing and I can't imagine that I'll ever even want another person in my life. I'm pretty set in my ways and the idea of forming a new relationship later in life is too much work. I don't want to be alone either. As my hubby's health deteriorates and the realization of the future withoutnhim isnsinking in I am more afraid then I was whn young and single. If that makes any sense.