I want children but she is making excuses at 37 to postpone

[WorriedOne]

Hello all,

 

My fiancee is 37, I'm 34. We have been dating for nearly two years and got engaged late last summer. I work as a consultant at a very stable and rapidly-growing software company. She works at an elite advertising agency. Both of our jobs are stable and she owns a humble condo. Our income to debt ratio is very good although it has been a long hard struggle to get there.

 

Months ago, after a few drinks, one of her old friends mentioned offhand that she couldn't believe my fiancee was talking about kids. "She always told us that she never wanted them"

 

After discussing children in the past, even going so far as to discuss agreeable boys/girls names, my fiancee started to push back on the idea of having children. The plan has been for me to go to law school next fall. Understandably, my fiancee does not want to start trying to have children while I'm not working for 3 years. Now, I will have income during this time, but not a lot - enough to help take care of a child, though, especially with my family there for support to alleviate day care costs.

 

STILL...I wanted to push back law school so that I may maximize our chances of successfully conceiving a healthy child, and just go to school later.

 

My fiancee thinks it is horrible that I am willing to put a child before my career. She becomes very upset when I mention the risks of delaying having a child and she thinks I am being pushy. I backed down the first time we argued about this, 6 months ago. But inside, it continued to eat at me, knowing I might never have kids.

 

I finally gave in yesterday and said, "Listen...I understand you don't want kids today. But can you give me a commitment that when I'm finished with law school you will try to have children with me?" She said "No, I am not giving you any promises because I won't know how I will feel in 3-4 years."

 

I responded by saying that I cannot gamble my life, that children are too important a sacrifice for me. I told her I am willing to shuffle my life around in any way, sacrifice my career, my resources, my property...ANYTHING...just to have a kid. I am a happy guy, I don't want a kid to "fix my problems", I want children because I LOVE kids!

 

Here are some of her arguments and my responses in parenthesis:

 

-We are struggling financially, we can't afford a child (we have less than $7000 combined debts, our household income is around $145,000, however we have no savings because we have paid of tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt in the last 18 months. We will be debt-free by July and savings will start to accrue. )

 

-Expenses related to caring for an infant are well over $3000 a month (not a single parent I work with says he/she pays more than $1000 a month for combined expenses - furthermore, my family would watch the child at least half the time)

 

- My doctor says I am healthy and chances are I can have a baby when I'm 41 (healthy now, who knows tomorrow? Things get harder each year, right?)

 

- If we can't have a kid we can always adopt in 3-4 years (adoption is fine with me but if possible, I'd like to try to have a biological child)

 

 

Folks, here is my question. It seems to me that deep down she does not want children and she is trying to make excuses. I can't get her to say " I don't want children"...but she is making excuses instead.

 

Do you all agree with my assessment?

[blind_otter]

Well it does sound like she has cold feet. My sister always said, if you wait for the perfect time to have a baby you'll never have one.

 

A baby at 41! You would be in your 60s when they are in college!!

 

Also, there's this to consider:

 

Although no one knows for sure why Downs Syndrome occurs and there's no way to prevent the chromosomal error that causes it, scientists do know that women age 35 and older have a significantly higher risk of having a child with the condition. At age 30, for example, a woman has less than a 1 in 1,000 chance of conceiving a child with DS. Those odds increase to 1 in 400 by age 35. By 42, it jumps to about 1 in 60.

 

And this:

 

Edwards syndrome, also known as Trisomy 18, (named after Dr John Edwards), is another abnormality caused by an extra chromosome - number 18. It is less common than Down syndrome - 1 in every 3,000 live births, with three times as many girls as boys affected.

Children born with Trisomy 18 suffer severe mental retardation, heart defects and other health problems. They usually die early on: 30% by 1 month of age, 50% by 2 months of age and 90% die by 12 months of age. Advanced maternal age is a risk factor for Trisomy 18.

 

I'm just bringing these two problems up because they were on my mind. I'm expecting in July and recently had genetic screening done on my baby to see if these issues were of concern. And the truth is maternal age doesn't just affect the mother.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with your fiancée. Get more financially stable before having children. An amnio will tell you if a child has DS, while in the womb. Worse case scenario, you can adopt.

[Storyrider]

Your income is fine for having kids. I have raised kids on 1/3 of that and given them a top-notch education. However, you can't have kids until you are both ready and you can't force your wife to be ready. She's saying she's not sure, and she's probably being honest.

[WorriedOne]

I agree with your fiancée. Get more financially stable before having children. An amnio will tell you if a child has DS, while in the womb. Worse case scenario, you can adopt.

 

With all due respect, how financially stable does someone need to be in order to have children? Our debt-to-income ratio is much, much lower than the average american household.

[WorriedOne]

Your income is fine for having kids. I have raised kids on 1/3 of that and given them a top-notch education. However, you can't have kids until you are both ready and you can't force your wife to be ready. She's saying she's not sure, and she's probably being honest.

 

Thanks Storyrider.

 

I can't force her to do anything. In fact, we are no longer together. 20 months of mostly good memories. That's all it added up to be.

[sb129]

There are a few things that you should discuss before getting married, and having children is one of them. I have a sneaky feeling that your fiancee may not want children at all, and is hoping that you will come around to her way of thinking eventually. This issue could be very detrimental to your R- its something many couples split up over.

Blind Otter is right, there is no "perfect" time to have children, and it sounds to me that you are financially OK...many people are financially worse off than you and do OK.

 

While I hate to disagree with TBF- I personally wouldn't want an amnio, they are risky in themselves, and then what if the baby DOES have DS- that presents a "what if"

scenario that you are likely to have opposing views on based on the information you have given us here.

 

Do you really want that?

 

Google "ten things to discuss before you are married"- my fiance and I found the discussion topics really helpful, we looked them up on the recommendation of a couple we know who have been happily married for over 7 years.

 

It helps to know eachothers feelings about stuff. If having children is a deal breaker for you, you really need to hash this out with your fiancee...

[Trialbyfire]

With all due respect, how financially stable does someone need to be in order to have children? Our debt-to-income ratio is much, much lower than the average american household.

Enough to afford a hospital delivery and the potential for a C-section, without going further into debt. Also, children are expensive.

 

Don't you want to ensure that they're given whatever advantage, you can offer in life?

 

Children aren't a right, they're a luxury and a gift, that should be valued and preserved to the best of both your abilities. Don't have children unless you both want them, now. There are enough bad parents in this world.

[sb129]

Thanks Storyrider.

 

I can't force her to do anything. In fact, we are no longer together. 20 months of mostly good memories. That's all it added up to be.

 

You broke up in the last 30 minutes?

[blind_otter]

Enough to afford a hospital delivery and the potential for a C-section, without going further into debt. Also, children are expensive.

 

Health insurance, anyone?

[WorriedOne]

Enough to afford a hospital delivery and the potential for a C-section, without going further into debt. Also, children are expensive.

 

Don't you want to ensure that they're given whatever advantage, you can offer in life?

 

Children aren't a right, they're a luxury and a gift, that should be valued and preserved to the best of both your abilities. Don't have children unless you both want them, now. There are enough bad parents in this world.

 

 

I agree with your sentiment...and this is precisely why I have waited until I was professionally situated before even trying to have kids. I'm 34, no spring chicken.

 

C-sections and hospital deliveries are things that are covered by most insurance plans, aren't they? At least, they are with hers.

 

I don't want any kid of mine brought into this world without having all opportunities and resources available. I enjoyed private schooling as a child and I would like to extend quality schooling to my children as well.

 

I just don't know what is "good enough" or "prepared enough" for having kids in your criteria?

[Trialbyfire]

Health insurance, anyone?

Good point about health insurance but why go into further debt with a child, if it's not necessary? A few years of waiting won't hurt them and an amnio will tell if the child has DS.

 

Regardless, she's baulking at having children for whatever reason. Better to not have them, then to pressure someone into it.

[WorriedOne]

You broke up in the last 30 minutes?

 

We called it quits yesterday.

 

Sorry, my story is disjointed....not thinking clearly today, I hope you can understand.

[WorriedOne]

Good point about health insurance but why go into further debt with a child, if it's not necessary? A few years of waiting won't hurt them and an amnio will tell if the child has DS.

 

Regardless, she's baulking at having children for whatever reason. Better to not have them, then to pressure someone into it.

 

I don't see how I would go into debt by having a kid if I already have the income to cover the costs on a month-to-month basis?

[WorriedOne]

I understand I can get an amnio. But what then? Abort it? That's not an easy task.

 

I'd rather try to have a kid NOW and increase chances of having a healthy child rather than trying the shotgun approach in 4 years with repeated amnios and abortions.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with your sentiment...and this is precisely why I have waited until I was professionally situated before even trying to have kids. I'm 34, no spring chicken.

 

C-sections and hospital deliveries are things that are covered by most insurance plans, aren't they? At least, they are with hers.

 

I don't want any kid of mine brought into this world without having all opportunities and resources available. I enjoyed private schooling as a child and I would like to extend quality schooling to my children as well.

 

I just don't know what is "good enough" or "prepared enough" for having kids in your criteria?

 

I don't see how I would go into debt by having a kid if I already have the income to cover the costs on a month-to-month basis?

I think you've answered your own questions. Also, what happens if she loses her job?

 

A substantial nest egg would help to mitigate any ramifications, in a one income family.

[WorriedOne]

I think you've answered your own questions. Also, what happens if she loses her job?

 

A substantial nest egg would help to mitigate any ramifications, in a one income family.

 

I understand your point of view but I think there is a happy medium between having kids recklessly and unnecessary postponement.

 

There is no assurance that she will lose her job or be unable to find another one.

 

There is an assurance that says that the longer we wait, the less likely we'll have a healthy child.

 

It's down to fact vs. chance.

[Trialbyfire]

I understand your point of view but I think there is a happy medium between having kids recklessly and unnecessary postponement.

 

There is no assurance that she will lose her job or be unable to find another one.

 

There is an assurance that says that the longer we wait, the less likely we'll have a healthy child.

 

It's down to fact vs. chance.

Why do you want to force her to become a mother when she's not ready?

[Arch]

My parents were 38/40 when they had me, but any later would have been a bad idea. The upside to waiting is that my parents had been married 20 years before and had established business, so money was not an issue.

 

You could get a seragent to birth your child but then your wife/you don't really get the experience.

[blind_otter]

Why do you want to force her to become a mother when she's not ready?

 

I don't think he wants to force her to be a mother. The way I interpreted it, he was weighing whether or not to continue investing a relationship where the two involved parties have fundamental differences when it comes to wanting a child.

 

I get the impression that she is(was?) kind of stringing him along, not committing to having children, not committing to being childless.

 

I think it's really important to know for yourself what you want - before you're 40+ years old and facing the much higher risks of having a child at an older age.

 

I mean (thinking out loud here) I just visited a local birth center. On the admission sheet you fill out it states that you are not eligible to have your child at the birth center if you are over 35 because you have what is considered a high risk pregnancy.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think he wants to force her to be a mother. The way I interpreted it, he was weighing whether or not to continue investing a relationship where the two involved parties have fundamental differences when it comes to wanting a child.

 

I get the impression that she is(was?) kind of stringing him along, not committing to having children, not committing to being childless.

 

I think it's really important to know for yourself what you want - before you're 40+ years old and facing the much higher risks of having a child at an older age.

 

I mean (thinking out loud here) I just visited a local birth center. On the admission sheet you fill out it states that you are not eligible to have your child at the birth center if you are over 35 because you have what is considered a high risk pregnancy.

I agree with your analysis about knowing what you want. I also disagree about one party being the driver for the relationship. It's not as if people can't have healthy children after age 40. I'm of the belief that the 35 year-old line, was based on the shape that women used to be, rather than the more healthy lifestyles of current days.

 

Myself, I might be waiting until after age 40. While I want children, I'll be damned if I'm going to impose that want on someone else. If it's that much of a priority, then, as apparently did happen, you need to invest in someone else, who has the same priorities.

 

In this situation, neither party is right or wrong. The two are walking down an incompatible future path.

[WorriedOne]

I don't think he wants to force her to be a mother. The way I interpreted it, he was weighing whether or not to continue investing a relationship where the two involved parties have fundamental differences when it comes to wanting a child.

 

What blind_otter has written here is correct. I have also posted my question, if you can call it that, because for some reason I seek validation that my ex-fiancee's excuses are just that, excuses.

 

I don't want to force anyone to get pregnant - what a recipe for disaster THAT is.

 

I think I have the right to end a relationship if the other party, despite being a wonderful person, cannot be straight with me about whether or not she shares a very important goal.

[corazoncito]

WorriedOne, it sounds like the situation has resolved itself since you're no longer together. I totally understand your worries about health problems the older the mother is. But consider that even if the odds of Down's is at 1 in 60 (which I realize very high compared to the odds when the mom is younger), that still translates as 98.9% odds that the baby will NOT have downs.

 

As the mom gets older, the bigger problems are really being able to get pregnant (especially without medical intervention), and then, being able to bring the baby to term (with getting through the first trimester being the biggest stress).

 

Regardless, the most important thing is for both people to be ready at the same time. Good luck!

[johan]

I agree with all the financial analysis. Those are all practical considerations.

 

This woman doesn't want kids, regardless. The financial issues are just a smoke screen. If she wanted kids, she'd be looking at ways to make it happen instead of finding reasons why it shouldn't happen.

 

When find yourself about to say something like:

"Listen...I understand you don't want kids today. But can you give me a commitment that when I'm finished with law school you will try to have children with me?"

... then you should stop and realize you already have your answer. It is "no". So don't waste your breath, and don't bring it up anymore unless you just feel like arguing.

[sunshinegirl]

Did you break up with her over this issue?

 

Sorry it worked out this way.