Northstar1984 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Hi all. In June/July my girlfriend and I split up. We'd been together for 4.5 years. I'm 23. It hurt me a lot.. I had lots of sleepless nights and troubled days. She found love with a new guy and no one I met had the sparkle and the connection. Recently, through a friend, I've met someone. She's beautiful, friendly, funny and smart. She's lived an amazing life and has had the benefit of a father in the armed forces, so she's lived in 9 exotic countries! In short, she's pretty much everything I like in a girl, in one person! She was recently dumped by her boyfriend of 2 years. From what she and our mutual friends have told me, he was a bit of a bastard to her. He'd destroyed her self-esteem and confidence, among other things. Basically, it was not a nice relationship for her. So anyway, we met, we started talking.. a LOT. We'd email throughout the day at work and text at almost all opportunities outside... that is assuming we weren't talking on the phone! She's told our mutual friends that she enjoys my company and my nature... she's not used to a guy being so nice to her, apparently! And there's me thinking I was treating like her a normal, beautiful and friendly human being! In short, she and I have connected nicely. We've similar interests and we get on famously... we laugh a lot and she often thanks me for making her smile and laugh, especially on days she finds herself thinking about her ex. Here is my problem.. I'm ready for a relationship. I've purposely put the brakes on all the girls I've met since I split with my long-term girlfriend. None came close to making me happy... until this girl. I want a relationship now and I think I can make her extremely happy... but she has said she wants to remain single for now. She is enjoying this new sense of happiness she's found without her ex. She has told people I'm making her happy but she's worried if she tells me she doesn't want a relationship, I'll react in the way she expected her ex too. I.e., throw a tantrum and storm off. (Which I won't). I'm happier since I met her and I'm happy to continue to make her happier and smile more, I really am. But this girl is too amazing to have as just a friend... am I wasting my time or will patience and gentle understanding prevail? Any advice and opinions more than welcome.... Thank you.
peace_pipe Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 My advice is tell her how you feel, then back off. I'd go no contact. It's kind of harsh but I can't think of another way in which you will make her really consider what she wants. If you continue to stick around, your feelings will grow. And she won't have to make a choice... If you go no contact she will see that you are serious and have convictions. She may also find someone else, but then you know. The second to last girl I dated did the same thing. She came on like a blow torch, very physical and persistent. She told me she had feelings for her ex. I went NC. 2 weeks later she's dating someone else. Just something to think about.
jerbear Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 If she doesn't want a relationship while you do, it is not healthy for you. Tone it down, back off a bit, and pursue others. If you like, keep her around as a friend but very casually. Don't spend to much time with her, go out with your friends, pursue others, or just be single. It comes down to what you want. If you feel she is quality then stick around and put her in the friend zone, while you pursue others. If she calls and you already have plans; don't cancel but do your own thing. If you can not handle being a friend or would be jealous of her dating others, then just let her go now.
Author Northstar1984 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Hm. I thought about that, actually. I'm not in the mood for mind games. She's too much of a nice person who's had a bad time to start f*****g with her right now... which NC is. It'd mean I'd ignore emails, texts and phone calls. I see how it could work, don't get me wrong... but at the same time, the last time I got into a "thing" like this, I found myself in an unofficial relationship, purely because we were spending so much time with each other... my then girlfriend agreed and we made it official. This current girl and the state of play remind me so much of the one from years ago. Either way, I've proved to myself there are girls out there that utterly decimate the girl I miss the most, in every possible way.
Author Northstar1984 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 If she doesn't want a relationship while you do, it is not healthy for you. Tone it down, back off a bit, and pursue others. If you like, keep her around as a friend but very casually. Don't spend to much time with her, go out with your friends, pursue others, or just be single. It comes down to what you want. If you feel she is quality then stick around and put her in the friend zone, while you pursue others. If she calls and you already have plans; don't cancel but do your own thing. If you can not handle being a friend or would be jealous of her dating others, then just let her go now. Thanks to both of you for replying... I'm supposed to be seeing her tonight after she finishes at the salon. If I don't see her, my friends and I are hitting the bars. I'm considering canceling plans with her and just seeing my friends. It's Valentine's day, so everyone out will probably be single, right? I do feel she is quality, but from out chats and from the way we connect, I think a relationship would be incredible, with this girl. She's stunning... I wouldn't be able to keep her as a friend, as you say.. I'd be jealous of other guys advances. It'd make me dislike her. It's all or nothing, I think... Will patience help in this situation?
Kamille Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 The first time bf and I went out for a casual beer (I had made sure to bring a few friends along), I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship then and there. I was happy being single (finally), really busy at work and didn't want anything complicated in my life. We've now been together for four months and I'm very much in love. So my advice kind of goes against what peace pipe and jerbear suggested. Basically my bf won me over because he was always confident that we were meant to be together. He never let the fact that I said I wasn't ready for an R deter him - or affect his self-esteem. Like you, he knew that we could make each other very happy. There is one major difference between my bf's and yours though: we weren't friends. We'd known each other a couple of weeks before we kissed for the first time, and I knew from day one that he was attracted to me (he was impossible to put in the friend zone, is what I'm saying). So... don't know... It isn't clear to me... Her comment about her being afraid you'll throw a tantrum to her anymore if she tells you she doesn't want a relationship suggests that you both recognize your relationship is some form of courting. I think you will have to decide wether you can just be friends with this girl - or whether you want to turn up the heat on the romance and see if she follows you.
peace_pipe Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Will patience help in this situation? Yes, but the right kind. And NC isn't a game. Her not wanting a relationship but stringing you along is. You want a relationship - she does not. Persue someone who wants what you want! Chances are, in the meantime, she'll do some soul searching. I've been there before my friend, and i never take my own advice.
peace_pipe Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 The first time bf and I went out for a casual beer (I had made sure to bring a few friends along), I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship then and there. You would not have gotten a return call from me. Everyone wants a relationship (at least a good one.) At least when everything goes south, you'll be able to say "remember when i told you that I didn't want a relationship?" So in 4 months you went from not wanting a relationship to being in love. No offense, but it sounds kind of wishy-washy to me.
AriaIncognito Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Either way, I've proved to myself there are girls out there that utterly decimate the girl I miss the most, in every possible way. Maybe this is why this girl came along, to teach you this very valuable lesson. It's great when you finally realize your ex isn't the be all end all.
Kamille Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 You would not have gotten a return call from me. Everyone wants a relationship (at least a good one.) At least when everything goes south, you'll be able to say "remember when i told you that I didn't want a relationship?" So in 4 months you went from not wanting a relationship to being in love. No offense, but it sounds kind of wishy-washy to me. Thanks Peace pipe for opening the conversation on this topic. I often wondered why it is that he came into my life at the precise moment when I felt like I wouldn't let anyone in. And to be honest, the same thing happened with the man I was seeing before that. It seems every time I am finally happy on my own, a man comes along who adds to my life so much that I let myself be convinced and fall in love. I think by the time I am happy to be single, I will therefore only let a man who makes me happy into my life. Northstar, your friend sounds like she might equate relationships with complications and too many problem. Win her over by proving you take her as she is. Just don't let yourself be friendzoned. Let her know by your actions that you are into her and if she doesn't follow, then let her know the door is always open and try to move on. Like you said, now you know there are other women out there you could imagine yourself with. Take the positive from this. See peace pipe, my advice is not that different from yours.
Author Northstar1984 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 This girl has opened my eyes in a few ways. Just got off the phone from her. I'm not one to rush into relationships. In the 7 or 8 years I've been having semi-serious and serious relationships, only twice have I been in awe of someone. Might be seeing her tonight for a drive.. if I do see her, I'll test the water regarding the relationship and reassure her I'm not expecting an over-night change in her mood.. from sad due to her ex, to happy and bouncing, ready to commit to a little light relationship. I'll continue to keep things at a little distance and not let her get into my head too much. I'll see how it feels over the next few days and weeks and see if she makes the effort more to see me. Surely a sign she's considered things a bit? When I suggested I couldn't see her this evening, due to prior commitments with the lads, she did seem a little put-out. I've said we can see each other after I'm done in town, if she doesn't mind doing the driving - so we'll see.. Thanks for your input, all. I'll take what you've said on board and re-read it a bit before I make any moves.. one way or the other.
Author Northstar1984 Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Update.. didn't see her this evening. Stuck with my mates instead. We've chatted a bit all evening via text and stuff... we've been flirting, sexually quite a bit as well. This hasn't happened before? Should I take this as a good sign?
soconfused01 Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 You sound like a great guy. Don't go NC. If she's messing with your head, it's probly not on purpose. Be her friend, be persistent but not pushy, definitely TRY (I know it's hard!) not to set all your hopes on this one, but I think if you're patient she'll come around. Remember, friendships are relationships too, and the most sucessful romantic relationships are built on friendships.
Kamille Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Update.. didn't see her this evening. Stuck with my mates instead. We've chatted a bit all evening via text and stuff... we've been flirting, sexually quite a bit as well. This hasn't happened before? Should I take this as a good sign? Have you two kissed yet? The flirting is definitely a good sign. Make sure you let her know your intentions are romantic. How you do this is up to you and your personal style.
jerbear Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Will patience help in this situation? I think you are doing great. Just keep doing it and push the envelope once in awhile too
Author Northstar1984 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Hello all.. Just had chance to read your suggestions and advice - very, very much appreciated! Thanks Little update.. 2 steps forward, perhaps 2 steps back... you tell me! We didn't speak much on Friday. I text her to say good morning, no reply. I had a course at work and she was having a busy day. When we did drop an email or two, things weren't as they normally are, i.e. humorous and light-hearted. I let it slide, although it made me feel a little disheartened. Work ended and I called her to see how she was. She sounded distant and a little aloof. Anyway, she said she'd text later. I was planning a night out with friends and she was seeing her girls for a night in. About 10:00 I get a text from a mutual friend that says she'd been trying to get the gossip from "the" girl over us. She hadn't had much luck but did tell me she'd been on the phone to a guy for sometime. I'm glad I hadn't text her, because at about 1:30 I got a text just saying "Hi". I decided not to reply because I felt put-out we'd gone all evening without speaking, not normally a problem with me, usually... but we'd been speaking non-stop for over a week and then I hear she's speaking to another guy. Now I know I overreacted here... she's entitled to speak to who she wants, of course and I wouldn't have it any other way. Anyway, I ignored the text. 2:00am and I receive another, "What's wrong?". I ignore this as well. When I got in around 4am ish, I checked my emails and I had one from her... the same question, "What's wrong?". I decided not to reply - at this point I could only foresee me being used because all had gone quiet at her house and she felt like she needed someone to feel less lonely - anyone. Whether that was right or not, I don't know. Saturday - I've still not spoken to her and at about 7:00, I get another text.. "Why are you ignoring me?". I felt really bad, please don't think I don't... but I had resigned myself to the fact I'd end up hurt, in the long-run. Then I received a text from a number I didn't recognize. I replied, wary that it may be her from another phone... turned out to be a gay guy! A friend of "my" girl... I remembered she'd said they were out in London that night and he was very drunk. Long-story short, she was angry I'd replied to him, but not her. He said she'd spent a lot of the evening talking about me, to the point where he was bored of it and had decided to do what she couldn't, i.e. tell me! I had a drunken conversation with her and him over the phone, lots of giggles from her end and plenty of innuendo, (wee!). The up-shot of it is, she likes me but I'm "too nice". She's not used to it and she's unsure of it all. Apparently she's always gone for the "bad boys". I'd been on my best behaviour from day one, seeing as our mutual friend had said she'd had a rough ride! A few drunken texts later, she's back at the hotel and that's that. I now know two things, 1. she does like me, (possibly only while drunk, I don't know...).. and 2. she has a filthy mind! The gay guy made me promise I'd demand she go to dinner with me this week (apparently she has a thing about guys that take the lead). So I agreed. We're speaking now via text but I'm confused. I've not mentioned the drunken antics of last night to her, and when I suggested we go out, she has replied jokily, talking about another girl I met last night, and suggesting I take her out instead. Could it be she is a little jealous? I'm trying not to be "too nice"... How the f**k do you do that? I'm a nut-case with my friends and family, but around her I turn into a super-polite, helpful and considerate guy... (the kinda bloke I am anyway, but he takes a vacation when I'm with the lads). I'm being myself when I'm around her, but if I do my usual stuff - I'm sure she'd wonder what the hell is going on! Little confused... still hanging in there :S Thanks all...
Author Northstar1984 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Just said she "like-like"s me, (how childish is this terminology? Hah)... but that she isn't ready for a relationship.. So, where does that put me? It's put me in an awkward position, I think. I'll hang in there and exercise patience and a little understanding. Fingers crossed. Thanks to all who read this. I do appreciate advice.
mental_traveller Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Update.. didn't see her this evening. Stuck with my mates instead. We've chatted a bit all evening via text and stuff... we've been flirting, sexually quite a bit as well. This hasn't happened before? Should I take this as a good sign? Yes. Go for it - faint heart never won fair lady. Be a bit pushy but not excessively so, and I am sure you will do fine.
mental_traveller Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Just said she "like-like"s me, (how childish is this terminology? Hah)... but that she isn't ready for a relationship.. So, where does that put me? Kiss her and find out!
Author Northstar1984 Posted February 18, 2008 Author Posted February 18, 2008 Thanks Mental We're supposed to be going out to dinner in the week - I'll see what happens...
Kamille Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 The more you write about this girl, the more I think her assessment about herself might be right. She's not ready for a relationship but she's ready to keep an admirer around. I think the insistant 'what's wrong?' is what give it away for me. Good luck. And don't get played! And the best way to not be a nice guy is to make sure your life doesn't revolve around her. Keep hanging out with friends and don't feel like you have to answer all her texts and e-mail.
Author Northstar1984 Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Just got back from a date with her, after speaking fairly regularly throughout the day. Just went to hers, met her family for the 2nd time and went for a drive. Ended up in my home town for a drink. Had a really good chat about all kinds of things and we seemed to be getting on really well.. Eventually took her home where she invited me in and we chatted a little more in her kitchen. Throughout the night there was plenty of physical contact.. hand touches and excuses to touch etc. Hard to explain, but you get me :S I said good bye, but I didn't even think of kissing her - just seemed WAY too soon, although I got the feeling she was half expecting it. Things seems good.. but I think Kamille may have noticed something I perhaps didnt... Hmmm :S
BlueHaiku Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I was pretty empathetic to her situation when you first wrote, but like Kamille, I'm getting creeped out by her the more you write. Let's see... she told you she doesn't want a relationship, then got distant and aloof with you. After being distant and aloof, she got upset when you didn't immediately respond to her text and had the immaturity to text "What's wrong" repeatedly. She gets silly drunk and makes a friend call you from a different phone that you won't recognize, then she gets mad when you answer the unknown caller. When you ask her out, she suggests you take out someone else besides her. Then she says she "like-likes" you, which you admit is childish, and then makes excuses to put her hands all over you. She sounds entirely screwed up, not to mention immature, self-centered, pushy, manipulative, and insecure. I wouldn't want to date her. If you do, my advice is to be aggressive - she seems to like that. Don't be cruel or mean, but be strong and self assured. Also, make yourself a rare commodity, by being busy a lot of time time with other people, and your value will go up. But, you say yourself you're a nice guy at heart. Wouldn't you rather be with a girl who likes you for who YOU are?
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