Trying . . but not working

[kelie]

I hope someone can understand me. I left my husband last in June 2007 and got back together in November. We have been married for 12 years. Most of which have not been happy. I found out he was cheating on me 6 months afterwe got married. I left him, he filed for a divorce. I was still very much in love with him. (I think he cheated on me befre too). Anyway to make things worse, I met a guy and had a short relationship in which I became pregnant. I told my husband that i still loved him and wanted to work things out. We did. I have not heard from the biological father since a week after my son was born. At this time I told him I didn't want to talk to him right now. He told me he was sterile and could not have kids. We had unprotected sex once and I got pregnant. I was angry with him, I know it takes two. I know I'm guilty too, but I was mad at the time. He also became very very controlling while we were seeing each other, that's why i chose not to stay with him.

Any way, my husband told me he would love the baby like it was his own since it was partly me and he loved me etc., etc. A year after our son was born, we moved, my husband was never home. He would not come home after work and when I called his cell I could never get a hold of him. I would call hime 5 - 10 times then he would finally showup around 1 or 2 am and want sex. Well I was mad so I really wasn't in the mood, ya know? This happened almost every night. I told him it was disrespectful to me, that he should be home and spend time witht me and our son. But he didn't. Well life went on, we had 2 more kids, 2 girls. During this time, he was still out almost every night, we went through some rough financial times, he lost his business due to a lawsuit, we filed bakrupty. Each of my prenancies he told me he probably was n ot the father. Mind you, I was a stay at home mom, I was with the kdisd all the time. I had NO money, No gas to go anywhere or do anything, even if I had wanted to. We lived in the middle of nowhere, I had no friends to visit with during the day. it was a ridiculous remark. Before he lost his business, he started helping a friend of ours that raced cars. He worked on the pit crew and would go to some races. This was not working out because he was negelcting his work, and his family even more. Well, they started racing more, I tried to be a supportive wife but he was gone ALL OF THE TIME. All day and night every night, getting the car ready, then 3- 4 days at the race. Then he would come home and not even be paid. I told him he needed to find a real job. While he was gone, I was scrimping to make the kdis meals, then he would come home and have funny stories to tell and get mad because I wanted to know if he had gotten paid this time.

Well, he finally quit doing that and we moved becasue of a fall out he had with his parents. We were renting from them and not paying rent. I really thought things were going to get better. I had told him at least 4 times I was unhappy and lonely and if things didn't change, I was going to leave. When we moved, I thought things could only get better. Well they got worse. He quit coming home at night. He would come home at 9 am. Take a shower and expect me to have sex with him. NO WAY. Where had he been? He was still not giving me any money to pay bills with, our power got shut off numerous times, we were late for rent. He was making enough money to support us, but I never saw it. When I didd ask for it, he sould have to know exactly how much I needed and then throw it at me. He had always done that though. The kids wondered why their daddy was never home to spend time witht them. One night, he called at like 10:00 and our oldestt daughter (6 yrs) yelled at him for never being home. When I got on the phone, he accused me of telling her to say that. I told him she is 6 and smart enough to know her dad is nver home. He has NO relationship with our son. He is very nice to the girls, our son doesn't get any attention from him unless he's yelling at him. It breakd my heart. Anyway after thaqt phone call, I left for my parenst house. The only reason we got back together is because he threatened to kill himself and I was really worried that he woiuld. He was laos making the kdis miserable each time he came to get them to stay with him. It was really bad. I had already fallen out of love with him long before I left. He has nover shown me or the kids any repect. He does have a good job now, but that;s because his parents hired him to work at their business. Anyway, I can't pretend anymore. I do care about him, but I am not in love with hime. We have been back together for just over a year now and I still can't get the feelings back. They have been gone tool ong. Too much hurt, lies, deciet, disrespect and other things i didn't even mention. I am looking for a job so I can support the kids, but what can I don in the meantime. I am so miserable, I cant fake it anymore.

[Ronni_W]

Hi Kelie.

Welcome to LoveShack.

I'm sorry but I find your post just too difficult to read. Perhaps you can edit in some paragraphs and white space? It will help others to read, understand and respond in the ways that you need.

All the best.