Candygirl477 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Hello, I'm a 30 yr. old woman, attractive and intelligent. I decided to go back to college this year, and things are going really well. I've been going through alot of changes lately, and I've totally lost interest in my husband. I'm bored senseless with my life and I feel like a divorce is inevitable. The thing is that I feel a hot, passionate affair would make my daily grind more bearable. This brings me to my current dillema. I have a huge crush on my chemistry professor. We are both adults, so I emailed him and asked him if he wanted to have a cup of coffee. In his return email he very tactfully said that he doesn't date his students. I feel so embarrassed! It didn't even occurr to me that he would say no, I'm a beautiful young woman and I could have sworn that I felt the vibes of mutual attraction coming from him during our brief classroom exchanges. The next day I humbly went to class, feeling humiliated. To my suprise, he showed up to class dressed up like he was going on a date. His hair was perfect, his clothes were impeccable, he was even wearing his contacts (which he never does). This was noticably different from his usual dressing style, and I really felt like it was for me. I really want to pursue this, but the messages are really confusing. Should I talk to him during office hours, or just sit back and let him make the next move? Help!
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Hello, I'm a 30 yr. old woman, attractive and intelligent. I decided to go back to college this year, and things are going really well. I've been going through alot of changes lately, and I've totally lost interest in my husband. I'm bored senseless with my life and I feel like a divorce is inevitable. The thing is that I feel a hot, passionate affair would make my daily grind more bearable. This brings me to my current dillema. I have a huge crush on my chemistry professor. We are both adults, so I emailed him and asked him if he wanted to have a cup of coffee. In his return email he very tactfully said that he doesn't date his students. I feel so embarrassed! It didn't even occurr to me that he would say no, I'm a beautiful young woman and I could have sworn that I felt the vibes of mutual attraction coming from him during our brief classroom exchanges. The next day I humbly went to class, feeling humiliated. To my suprise, he showed up to class dressed up like he was going on a date. His hair was perfect, his clothes were impeccable, he was even wearing his contacts (which he never does). This was noticably different from his usual dressing style, and I really felt like it was for me. I really want to pursue this, but the messages are really confusing. Should I talk to him during office hours, or just sit back and let him make the next move? Help! did you lose interest in husband before or after professor guy entered the picture? Affairs dont always go the way you hope they will go. If you choose to start one, be carefull and aware of the consequences. slippery slopes my friend. my adivce would be to do what you said.....if divorce is inevitable. Why dont you leave your husand FIRST....then start a REAL relationship with another man. typically starting a new relationship (affair) while married, doenst always turn out pretty and nice. good luck
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I've totally lost interest in my husband. Have you let him in on this? Is he aware that you feel this way? I'm bored senseless with my life and I feel like a divorce is inevitable. Do you plan on divorcing without giving your husband a chance to make it better? Or do you just plan on winging it and allowing someone else to rescue you from your bordem, meanwhile still stay married? You are bored with your life, DO something different. It may not be your husband, maybe it's that you're not getting enough in your life accomplished to make you feel good. Can I ask? Are you putting yourself through school or is your husband helping financially? How long have you two been married?
Cobra_X30 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Hello, I'm a 30 yr. old woman, attractive and intelligent. I decided to go back to college this year, and things are going really well. I've been going through alot of changes lately, and I've totally lost interest in my husband. I'm bored senseless with my life and I feel like a divorce is inevitable. The thing is that I feel a hot, passionate affair would make my daily grind more bearable. This brings me to my current dillema. I have a huge crush on my chemistry professor. We are both adults, so I emailed him and asked him if he wanted to have a cup of coffee. In his return email he very tactfully said that he doesn't date his students. I feel so embarrassed! No, this is his career, his job, his livelihood! When you chase him you put that in jeopardy. He can't date you... period... please respect that. Also... if your going to get divorced... then get divorced or at least start the process. Then pursue another man. You have the obligation to let your husband know what your doing... at least until your legally out from under that obligation. You are at a crossroads where you get to decide what kind of person you want to be.
blind_otter Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Gag me. Leave your husband, then pursue other men. It's really that simple.
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Can I ask? Are you putting yourself through school or is your husband helping financially? I was wondering the same thing
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I have a huge crush on my chemistry professor. We are both adults, so I emailed him and asked him if he wanted to have a cup of coffee. In his return email he very tactfully said that he doesn't date his students. I feel so embarrassed! He was honest, he doesn't date students (for obvious reasons) and he doesn't cross lines like that by putting himself in situations that could lead to trouble (you, student, you married) besides that, do you know if he is married? Focus that energy into your husband and see if you can make your marriage better. Go to counselling, communicate with your husband - Remember your vows! Obviously you loved him enough to marry him.
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I also want to add, it's okay that you have a crush on him, just don't DO anything about it. When I was in College, I had a wicked crush on one of my prof's - Actually most of us did!! BUT, the thing is, crushes are meant to stay platonic and innocent, and to yourself, ya never tell the crush he is the crush... You made your crush MORE than just a crush when you asked him for coffee with the intention of wanting him. You are embarrassed, will you now feel very uncomfortable in class? IF yes, then imagine if you HAD gone out with him for coffee and something happened. What if you got an A in that class? How would you feel about that? Just giving you more stuff to think about..
OWoman Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Candygirl - spare yourself the future embarrassment, and your college career, and stop right there! If you pursue him ANY FURTHER - whether by email, meaningful glances in class, dropping by his office to ask questions, ANYTHING - he'll be obliged to notify his head of department, his dean, his faculty board or however far it needs to go according to your college's policies. It will start out as a discreet note in your file, but any further evidence will be noted there, FOR HIS PROFESSIONAL PROTECTION as well as that of any other lecturers who may want to add to the body of evidence. This is in case down the track you appeal against a bad grade, or there's some dispute about whether or not he's sufficiently objective to grade your papers or your exams, from whatever source. Never underestimate the power of rumour - even an appreciative glance at his "new image" could have set tongues wagging and he HAS to protect himself and his career against what might conceivably happen down the line. Unless you want the whole faculty ultimately to look at you as "that girl who had the crush on professor x" or "that girl who wants to improve her grades the easy way" you'll do well to boff completely and not given him - or any of the others - a second thought.
Author Candygirl477 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 I've been with my husband for 12 years, and he is helping me through school. But that's the reason I'm going to school, because I want to broaden my horizons and experience more out of life. I've told my husband about my frustrations with our marriage, and he just avoids them. He's a wonderful man, but we only have sex once every 2 to 3 weeks for about 30 seconds. And if we do anything exciting or different sexually I always have to initiate it. I feel like I'm responsible for the spice in our life, I've felt like that for about 4 years now. Of course Ive told him all of this and it only makes him feel more intimidated about changing our lovelife. I'm a vibrant, passionate woman and I didn't get married just so my husband can sit back and enjoy the fruits of being with me. I'm afraid to get divorced because I don't want to hurt him or my children, I just feel like I need something for me. Even if it's a fleeting moment of ecstasy, I just want to feel my heart pound inside of my chest again.
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 That isn't a justification to go off and hit on someone else - ESPECIALLY SINCE he is helping you foot the bill of going back to school. Sorry, but it is up to you to keep on talking to your husband, do your best to make your marriage better. IF he isn't meeting your needs, then seek marriage counselling. If he refuses, then maybe you two need to separate or divorce. Maybe if he knew HOW serious you were, I mean, why not tell him that you were very close to having a cup of coffee with your crush prof. I bet that would get his attention. He should have the choice to stay or go in the marriage too, or maybe you two can have an open marriage so you both can have someone one the side to make you both feel good about yourselves. Maybe this isn't all his fault, I mean, are there needs are his that you're meeting as well? Why not ask him. Are you a loving and attentive wife outside of the bedroom? Usuallly when one spouse shuts down emotionally and sexually, they're feeling resentment. Maybe he is resentful too... If you want to feel your heart thumping, then go skydiving, or bungee jumping. DO NOT be selfish and go seek that in the arms of another man.
norajane Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I've been with my husband for 12 years, and he is helping me through school. But that's the reason I'm going to school, because I want to broaden my horizons and experience more out of life. I've told my husband about my frustrations with our marriage, and he just avoids them. He's a wonderful man, but we only have sex once every 2 to 3 weeks for about 30 seconds. And if we do anything exciting or different sexually I always have to initiate it. I feel like I'm responsible for the spice in our life, I've felt like that for about 4 years now. Of course Ive told him all of this and it only makes him feel more intimidated about changing our lovelife. I'm a vibrant, passionate woman and I didn't get married just so my husband can sit back and enjoy the fruits of being with me. I'm afraid to get divorced because I don't want to hurt him or my children, I just feel like I need something for me. Even if it's a fleeting moment of ecstasy, I just want to feel my heart pound inside of my chest again. You may have issues in your marriage, but honestly, cheating on your husband is only going to ADD to your issues and create new issues (lying, creating more distance between you and hubby, sneaking around, fear of getting caught, more lying). And you WILL hurt your children in the end if you cheat, much more so than if you divorce amicably. Read the threads here - no one gets off cleanly when a partner cheats.
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Should I talk to him during office hours, or just sit back and let him make the next move? Help! Nah, leave the professor guy alone. He doesn't want anything to do with you and your are married. Is hopeless.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I think you should leave him alone. If you continue to push, he will protect his career and reputation at your expense. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about his style of dress. For all you know he went in for a meeting with the dean about how to fend off the unwanted attentions of students, or perhaps met a date before class, or was going to meet one afterward. Leave him be. For his sake, and for your husband's. Consider a divorce regardless of the story with the professor. You'll be doing your husband a huge favor. If he seems boring, perhaps you are bringing nothing but boredom to the table for him to deal with. I would wager he wants out as much as you do.
juliegeraci Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Candygirl, sex and intimacy is very important in a marraige. My husband had the same issue, premature ejaculation. I went with him to our doctor and the doctor did bloodwork and prescribed him Cialis. Viagra doesn't work as well. It only lasts 6 hours I think. Cialis lasts 36 hours. He can now substain an errection for as long as we want him too. It has made a world of different with our romance and intimacy. If you still love him it is worth looking into. I am the one who had the affair so I can tell you that it is very difficult to sustain. The lying, calling, emailing, texting, seeing each other, physical sex, etc. is really trying. I wish now that I had only maintained a friendship with the OM. It would have saved me 3 years of heartache. Good luck to you.
once_golden Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 i'm 28 and had an affair with my professor (who was also married with a child) - and it was a huge, massive, colossal mistake. i destroyed my husband's self esteem, my self-esteem, risked another family's happiness, and made school an often unbearable place for me to be (i only have 3 months left - thank god). and it wasn't even worth it. i too was bored with my wonderful and supportive husband. we had a good sex life - 3-5 times a week - i was still attracted to him, i trusted him and felt that he trusted me, we spent time together - all of that jazz. but i was emotionally lost and wanted something to make me feel alive again - exactly as you said. looking back now - i cannot fathom what i was thinking or why i put everything i loved at risk. when i think about what i might have lost - for 3 months of emotional hemming and hawing - it makes me sick. this professor wanted me physically - but when all was said and done - it was just physical for him - and it wasn't for me. i got attached - am still attached in some ways. it wasn't worth anything. it was totally meaningless for him. it wasn't worth my marriage, my self-esteem, my happiness, or the happiness of my husband. walk away now, i can assure you it's NOT worth it.
Trimmer Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I've told my husband about my frustrations with our marriage, and he just avoids them. He's a wonderful man, but we only have sex once every 2 to 3 weeks for about 30 seconds. And if we do anything exciting or different sexually I always have to initiate it. I feel like I'm responsible for the spice in our life, I've felt like that for about 4 years now. Of course Ive told him all of this and it only makes him feel more intimidated about changing our lovelife. Wait a minute here - he avoids the changes because he doesn't care, or he understands, but is unable to change because he is intimidated? I'm a vibrant, passionate woman and I didn't get married just so my husband can sit back and enjoy the fruits of being with me. You sound like an intimidating woman. ("...sit back and enjoy the fruits of being with me??? ) Is it possible that he has some will to change, but just doesn't know how? Intimidation won't help, it will just add pressure.
Arch Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 So let me get this right, your husband is paying all your college, and his reward for doing that is you ****ing one of your college professors? nice.
Fun2BMe Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 He is obviously interested to date you but isn't dumb enough to leave a paper trail via email that could cost him his job should you ever 'break up.'
Mr. Lucky Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I've been with my husband for 12 years, and he is helping me through school. But that's the reason I'm going to school, because I want to broaden my horizons and experience more out of life. I wonder if your husband knew that this was the deal: "Honey, please pay for my tuition so I can audition potential sex partners as I've decided that I feel strongly enough about the state of our marriage to cheat but no so strongly as to stop accepting your financial support" More than a little contradiction in what you say and do... Mr. Lucky
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