whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Okay, give him time then. He probably can't handle details of your affair quite yet. But, when does ask, be honest and tell him everything. Good that no children are involved...
juliegeraci Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Its not worth harming the OM. My husband had him beat up twice and his car stollen and thrown off a cliff. It just made it harder for me knowing he was harmed. Try and talk your husband out of it. All it does is make it harder on you since you cared for this person. Its done with and I would keep it that way. Good luck.
Author rocks08 Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 My question was why? Why did you come clean? To shift the blame from you to your OM? Because he wouldn't leave his W for you? That's what I'm asking. You're telling me that you've thrown your OM under the bus before? Why would any of this make you stronger? Your H hasn't even got around to being mad at you yet...But when he does, who knows... I confessed for a variety of reasons, primarily because I was sick of living the "double life" I was, anguished at how my H would feel when he'd be told... Also realised that MM was trying to control me. While I felt he cared -- that's what was making it tough for me to walk out decisively -- he wanted the relationship on his terms. I realised at some point this was all so wrong to start with, and that I was taking the blame from MM pointlessly (he once said he felt 'used' becoz I wanted to walk out when my marriage showed signs of picking up), and that this was going nowhere (his reason for not coming to me was that he had a lousy career to deal with first. I was tired of waiting, and actually being "used", if u know what i mean)... I've never had the courage to stick by what I TRULY FELT about it. I've done flip-flops, I've walked out and gone back, all due to a void, an emptiness inside... I'm going to a counselor to help me with that one, but right now, it's the guilt, guilt, guilt at the affair and anguish at having caused my H pain that's tearing my insides apart. Plus, of course, the fear and anguish that're stalking me at the harm H might do to MM... I'm saying I'd be stronger because when I receive posts that are hurtful or contain snide remarks clearly not born of understanding (some replies have even been abusive), they only make me aware of what i've done wrong -- I choose to look at it that way, instead of them making me bitter...
Author rocks08 Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Its not worth harming the OM. My husband had him beat up twice and his car stollen and thrown off a cliff. It just made it harder for me knowing he was harmed. Try and talk your husband out of it. All it does is make it harder on you since you cared for this person. Its done with and I would keep it that way. Good luck. Tried talking him out of it, but he's so full of anger and hate right now, he feels i'm "taking up" for MM... How did u cope with it?
Meaplus3 Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Tried talking him out of it, but he's so full of anger and hate right now, he feels i'm "taking up" for MM... How did u cope with it? Rock... He need's time to deal with this! His emotions are probably all over the place.. and with good reason. I walked in your shoes once.. and believe me it was no fun! You need to convince him that the a is over which I assume it is...Do you still love him? If the answer is yes.. you make sure he know's that. Good Luck. AP:)
Author rocks08 Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Rock... He need's time to deal with this! His emotions are probably all over the place.. and with good reason. I walked in your shoes once.. and believe me it was no fun! You need to convince him that the a is over which I assume it is...Do you still love him? If the answer is yes.. you make sure he know's that. Good Luck. AP:) Thanks.... Can u share what u went through? How u confessed, and what you told H and when? Seems like i'm in a whirlpool now, and don't quite know how to move.... Hope u'll understand....
Meaplus3 Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Thanks.... Can u share what u went through? How u confessed, and what you told H and when? Seems like i'm in a whirlpool now, and don't quite know how to move.... Hope u'll understand.... Rock, I had a long emotional affair with a mm who live's nextdoor to me. At one point after many month's I could not hide the crying.. the emotional upset.. the guilt and I ended up telling my H. At first his reaction was sort of calm almost like he expected something.. then as time went on his question's became more and more like was it a pa? How will I ever know?? I begged and pleaded with him to believe me.. and he did.. however he had bad day's on and off for many month's. I myself sought therapy..for one to get over mm.. and to try and heal from the ea and seek guidance on how to work on my marriage. In my case this was an exit affair..I did not realize that until H and I went to MC.. H was very verbally abusive to me for many year's..so inessence It made sense that I sought out someone else to ease my pain. I am now very recently seperated from H by my choice. Please don't use my outcome as an example of Telling so to speak, because it was not the telling or ea that ruined my marriage it was the Verbal abuse that I have suffered. If I were you, I would come clean with all the detail's when you feel you can. Perhap's MC? I'm not sure what to say except I do feel for you. Hope I made sense! AP:)
Findingme Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Your husband is possibly displacing his anger; rather than become angry with you, he is directing it at the OM. Perhaps you should sit down with him and get him to open up about his feelings. Seeing as how you told him recently, I'd give him some time to allow for the information to digest. In the meantime, work on building trust. Your H may be trying to mark his territory after the fact by seeking vengeance on your exOM. Perhaps you should encourage him to speak to a professional to deal with this newfound anger. The man has a right to be angry, but it will be counter productive to try to destroy the OM - you are after all his wife, it was you that betrayed him. It is you he should be upset with. Give it some time, let the dust settle and then decide how to proceed. Right now, I'd just allow him to get his rage out. Even if it is misdirected. Isn't that odd that we as humans tend to take it out on the wrong person? When my husband cheated on me years ago, I HATED the girl, I mean seriously HATED her and felt she set out to steal my man but felt more forgiving towards him. Now that I've thought about cheating I've asked him what he would have done had it been me. He said he didn't know but he wouldn't hurt me but he'd want to kill the guy. I just thought it interesting how we so don't want to aimagine that our spouses are just as much to blame as the other person. I say this from experience and now being the 1 that wants to cheat I feel a LOT more forgiving to the other girl.
Author rocks08 Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Rock, I had a long emotional affair with a mm who live's nextdoor to me. At one point after many month's I could not hide the crying.. the emotional upset.. the guilt and I ended up telling my H. At first his reaction was sort of calm almost like he expected something.. then as time went on his question's became more and more like was it a pa? How will I ever know?? I begged and pleaded with him to believe me.. and he did.. however he had bad day's on and off for many month's. I myself sought therapy..for one to get over mm.. and to try and heal from the ea and seek guidance on how to work on my marriage. In my case this was an exit affair..I did not realize that until H and I went to MC.. H was very verbally abusive to me for many year's..so inessence It made sense that I sought out someone else to ease my pain. I am now very recently seperated from H by my choice. Please don't use my outcome as an example of Telling so to speak, because it was not the telling or ea that ruined my marriage it was the Verbal abuse that I have suffered. If I were you, I would come clean with all the detail's when you feel you can. Perhap's MC? I'm not sure what to say except I do feel for you. Hope I made sense! AP:) Sure you make a lot of sense... And wow... Can't tell you how relieved I am to actually have someone SHARE with me and understand what i'm going through on a message board, and not judge/abuse me or give me long lectures.... Thank you so much for doing that.... Well, there are lots and lots and lots of issues here.... I've suggested MC, esp. for him to deal with his hurt and anger, and me to understand our relationship better, but he's refusing, and perhaps never will go.... I'm going for counseling to deal with my emptiness.... If I may ask u this, did u ever feel ur OM loved u? I still do, and dunno if it's okay to believe that....
Author rocks08 Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Isn't that odd that we as humans tend to take it out on the wrong person? When my husband cheated on me years ago, I HATED the girl, I mean seriously HATED her and felt she set out to steal my man but felt more forgiving towards him. Now that I've thought about cheating I've asked him what he would have done had it been me. He said he didn't know but he wouldn't hurt me but he'd want to kill the guy. I just thought it interesting how we so don't want to aimagine that our spouses are just as much to blame as the other person. I say this from experience and now being the 1 that wants to cheat I feel a LOT more forgiving to the other girl. Guess ure right.... Dunno if i'd have been forgiving of my H either.... Somehow, i STILL find it hard to believe i strayed, and kept falling deeper and deeper into that relationship, ending up each ime with some pleasure but a lot of pain too...
IM5150 Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Let me start by saying that my 6 month relationship with OW is not all lovey dovey. We are more friends than anything else but we also have foreplay and kiss and hug alot when we're together. I see OW once or twice a week. When I'm not with her I feeling sorta depressed all the time and I think about her constantly. I'm curios as to how other MM's feel when not with the OW. I guess my state stems from the uncertain. Not sure what she's doing. She's a single girl and likes to drink and party. I'm 11 years older than her and am more mature and just work and go home everyday. She's away at a wedding today and I haven't talk to her all day and it really sucks. I would think that I'd be happy knowing that we''ll see eachother soon but that's not how I feel. What's up?
Meaplus3 Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Sure you make a lot of sense... And wow... Can't tell you how relieved I am to actually have someone SHARE with me and understand what i'm going through on a message board, and not judge/abuse me or give me long lectures.... Thank you so much for doing that.... Well, there are lots and lots and lots of issues here.... I've suggested MC, esp. for him to deal with his hurt and anger, and me to understand our relationship better, but he's refusing, and perhaps never will go.... I'm going for counseling to deal with my emptiness.... If I may ask u this, did u ever feel ur OM loved u? I still do, and dunno if it's okay to believe that.... Rock, Yes, I did feel that my mm loved me.. however it was not real.. it was simply a fantasy for me..an esacpe from my marriage, it may sound terrible what I did but it's the truth. Is it ok to believe that? sure.. however it's not going to help you move forward. AP:)
IM5150 Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Sorry for the post above AP, I meant to post in a new thread and now I can't edit it.
Findingme Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Guess ure right.... Dunno if i'd have been forgiving of my H either.... Somehow, i STILL find it hard to believe i strayed, and kept falling deeper and deeper into that relationship, ending up each ime with some pleasure but a lot of pain too... I know what you mean about finding it hard to believe. I haven't cheated by the way, have just been thinking about it. Like a f-ing yo-yo. 1 minute I think no way, what the heck am I thinking, then it bounces to the other side and I think how can I not? He was my first love and has been a part of my heart for close to 25 years, he STILL has so much emotional control over me. I've never even seriously thought about cheating before. Hubby is such a nice guy, he has tons of faults that I find easily when in the wanting to cheat mode, but they don't seem so bad when I'm on the how can I cheat mode but then I think of my first and his yo-yo side I keep thinking I can't stay away. BUT also being glad he is LD because it would be MUCH harder not to. KWIM? Every time I get an email my heart pounds and I can't wait to see him in a few months, then I don't get 1 for a few days and I get first depressed, then I feel the whole what the heck am I thinking part, then hubby will do something nice and I am thinking there's no way I can cheat. Then I get another email and it starts all over again. I probably didn't make any sence at all but seriously, my heart and head don't make a whole lot of sence to me right now either!
Author rocks08 Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Rock, Yes, I did feel that my mm loved me.. however it was not real.. it was simply a fantasy for me..an esacpe from my marriage, it may sound terrible what I did but it's the truth. Is it ok to believe that? sure.. however it's not going to help you move forward. AP:) Know what u mean about the fantasy.... But HOW can i convince myself he doesn't love me and thus move on? We're at the same workplace, and each time he passes by, his eyes say that although we dont speak... Deep down, i still care a lot for him too, so i'm battling keeping those feelinbs at bay too.... Just dunno where i'm going with this mess inside...
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