rocks08 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I've ended my two-year affair with OM yesterday, and told my husband about it. Funny thing is, H isn't angry with me or blaming me... he says he's forgiven me and is glad I told him. But he's hell bent on harming the OM, using his contacts to destroy his career. He keeps saying OM has to pay for interfering with his marriage. I'm feeling very bad, coz OM is already going through a very bad, humiliating phase in his career, and my H will do anything to get him kicked. While I feel guilty and horrible about what I've done to H, I also feel I'm responsible for screwing it up for OM -- all at a very bad time, that too.... I'm feeling very, very guilty and horrible right now... Dunno what to do....
Ocean-Blue Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I've ended my two-year affair with OM yesterday, and told my husband about it. Funny thing is, H isn't angry with me or blaming me... he says he's forgiven me and is glad I told him. But he's hell bent on harming the OM, using his contacts to destroy his career. He keeps saying OM has to pay for interfering with his marriage. I'm feeling very bad, coz OM is already going through a very bad, humiliating phase in his career, and my H will do anything to get him kicked. While I feel guilty and horrible about what I've done to H, I also feel I'm responsible for screwing it up for OM -- all at a very bad time, that too.... I'm feeling very, very guilty and horrible right now... Dunno what to do.... Your husband is possibly displacing his anger; rather than become angry with you, he is directing it at the OM. Perhaps you should sit down with him and get him to open up about his feelings. Seeing as how you told him recently, I'd give him some time to allow for the information to digest. In the meantime, work on building trust. Your H may be trying to mark his territory after the fact by seeking vengeance on your exOM. Perhaps you should encourage him to speak to a professional to deal with this newfound anger. The man has a right to be angry, but it will be counter productive to try to destroy the OM - you are after all his wife, it was you that betrayed him. It is you he should be upset with. Give it some time, let the dust settle and then decide how to proceed. Right now, I'd just allow him to get his rage out. Even if it is misdirected.
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Give your husband time....Don't think you're off the hook and everything is forgiven, he may have said that, but chances are his feelings about it will change. Don't put all the blame on you, the OM knew you were married, so he is responsible for his part in the affair. Give your husband space, but definately talk and be honest. I'm sure confessing wasn't an easy thing to do, but you did do the right thing.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Sorry, but put blame where blame belongs...You've ruined two men here...Your H and your OM...Who knows what the OM knew... Perhaps you'll get the more sympathetic responses in Infidelity...But this the OW forum and several have been thrown under the bus...(not me, but I empathize)... I am sorry you're going through this, but just wondering why you felt it necessary to tell your H for whatever reason, other than to blameshift...
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Well if she hid the fact that she was married from the OM, then yes, two men have been ruined.
Author rocks08 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Sorry, but put blame where blame belongs...You've ruined two men here...Your H and your OM...Who knows what the OM knew... Perhaps you'll get the more sympathetic responses in Infidelity...But this the OW forum and several have been thrown under the bus...(not me, but I empathize)... I am sorry you're going through this, but just wondering why you felt it necessary to tell your H for whatever reason, other than to blameshift... Sorry, I don't quite understand... U mean I SHOULDN'T have come clean to H? As for being thrown under the bus, it's already happened, and more than once, so I guess it'll only make me stronger...
Author rocks08 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Well if she hid the fact that she was married from the OM, then yes, two men have been ruined. Naah... Didn't hide it from OM, who incidentally is married too... Strangely, he doesn't seem to believe he's doing any wrong.... Also, he said he cares for me deeply, which I'm still inclined to believe. Do you think it's because I'm still to get over him, or is it something else operating here?
Author rocks08 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Your husband is possibly displacing his anger; rather than become angry with you, he is directing it at the OM. Perhaps you should sit down with him and get him to open up about his feelings. Seeing as how you told him recently, I'd give him some time to allow for the information to digest. In the meantime, work on building trust. Your H may be trying to mark his territory after the fact by seeking vengeance on your exOM. Perhaps you should encourage him to speak to a professional to deal with this newfound anger. The man has a right to be angry, but it will be counter productive to try to destroy the OM - you are after all his wife, it was you that betrayed him. It is you he should be upset with. Give it some time, let the dust settle and then decide how to proceed. Right now, I'd just allow him to get his rage out. Even if it is misdirected. Umm... agree with you on that one, and even said all that to him.... but I'm so scared he'll cause him harm (physically, I mean), apart from ruining him at the workplace....
GreenEyedLady Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Sorry, I don't quite understand... U mean I SHOULDN'T have come clean to H? As for being thrown under the bus, it's already happened, and more than once, so I guess it'll only make me stronger... My question was why? Why did you come clean? To shift the blame from you to your OM? Because he wouldn't leave his W for you? That's what I'm asking. You're telling me that you've thrown your OM under the bus before? Why would any of this make you stronger? Your H hasn't even got around to being mad at you yet...But when he does, who knows...
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Naah... Didn't hide it from OM, who incidentally is married too... Strangely, he doesn't seem to believe he's doing any wrong.... Also, he said he cares for me deeply, which I'm still inclined to believe. Do you think it's because I'm still to get over him, or is it something else operating here? Well then, if your husband decides (and he could still do this) to tell your OM's wife about the affair, the OM will be doing a 180 soon enough. You and the OM have cheated on your spouses, lied and betrayed them. BOTH of you have the ability to deceive so don't feel the (he isn't just OM, he is MM) MM hasn't lied to you, or omitted the truth to make him come out smelling like a rose. It's better now that the truth has come out because now you can either fix your marriage with your husband, do all that you can to prove to him that you are worthy of his faith and trust again, or divorce. As for MM, well, you two had an affair, based on good feelings and fun. That isn't a real relationship, it was hidden away and good feelings were shared on the expense of your spouses...How real could it be?
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 SO do you and the MM work together? If so, well you and the MM put yourselves IN this situation so if the fallout is, MM's wife finds out and everyone at work finds out, so be it. Too bad all this wasn't thought of before having the affair.
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 As for being thrown under the bus, it's already happened, and more than once, so I guess it'll only make me stronger... You mean MM has thrown you under the bus or you've thrown him under the bus? Sorry, I'm confused here..
child_of_isis Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Tell your H that you accept responsibility for inviting OM into 'his marriage'. That may (or may not) get him off of his butt. I've ended my two-year affair with OM yesterday, and told my husband about it. Funny thing is, H isn't angry with me or blaming me... he says he's forgiven me and is glad I told him. But he's hell bent on harming the OM, using his contacts to destroy his career. He keeps saying OM has to pay for interfering with his marriage. I'm feeling very bad, coz OM is already going through a very bad, humiliating phase in his career, and my H will do anything to get him kicked. While I feel guilty and horrible about what I've done to H, I also feel I'm responsible for screwing it up for OM -- all at a very bad time, that too.... I'm feeling very, very guilty and horrible right now... Dunno what to do....
Meaplus3 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I've ended my two-year affair with OM yesterday, and told my husband about it. Funny thing is, H isn't angry with me or blaming me... he says he's forgiven me and is glad I told him. But he's hell bent on harming the OM, using his contacts to destroy his career. He keeps saying OM has to pay for interfering with his marriage. I'm feeling very bad, coz OM is already going through a very bad, humiliating phase in his career, and my H will do anything to get him kicked. While I feel guilty and horrible about what I've done to H, I also feel I'm responsible for screwing it up for OM -- all at a very bad time, that too.... I'm feeling very, very guilty and horrible right now... Dunno what to do.... I must tell you that I really respect the fact that you came clean with your H about your affair..that was the right thing to do. I did the same when I had a ea with a mm. Your H is probably is in the angry stage here.. he's going to need some time to take this all in and calm down. My H.. was also wanting to get back at mm, however with time.. those feeling's passed and he was able to let go.. I would give your H time! Hang in there. AP:)
Gwyneth Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I don't understand why the betrayed usually are angry with the OP and not their spouse / partner. I think, and I forget whom said this, "displacing the anger" is the right way to explain this.
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 1st reaction is usually like that...Trust me, when that anger really hits him, he'll be directing it at his wife.
Author rocks08 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Well then, if your husband decides (and he could still do this) to tell your OM's wife about the affair, the OM will be doing a 180 soon enough. You and the OM have cheated on your spouses, lied and betrayed them. BOTH of you have the ability to deceive so don't feel the (he isn't just OM, he is MM) MM hasn't lied to you, or omitted the truth to make him come out smelling like a rose. It's better now that the truth has come out because now you can either fix your marriage with your husband, do all that you can to prove to him that you are worthy of his faith and trust again, or divorce. As for MM, well, you two had an affair, based on good feelings and fun. That isn't a real relationship, it was hidden away and good feelings were shared on the expense of your spouses...How real could it be? Umm... Can understand the "lied to spouses", though, but not the "lied to me" part....
Author rocks08 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Give your husband time....Don't think you're off the hook and everything is forgiven, he may have said that, but chances are his feelings about it will change. Don't put all the blame on you, the OM knew you were married, so he is responsible for his part in the affair. Give your husband space, but definately talk and be honest. I'm sure confessing wasn't an easy thing to do, but you did do the right thing. Thanks, but tell me something.... When do I tell the lurid details, given the tricky situation I'm in? I haven't had sex with MM, but our relationship has been physical... I feel I should also come clean on this, but want to know when and how....
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Umm... Can understand the "lied to spouses", though, but not the "lied to me" part.... If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't trust 100%. Each to their own then.. Thanks, but tell me something.... When do I tell the lurid details, given the tricky situation I'm in? I haven't had sex with MM, but our relationship has been physical... I feel I should also come clean on this, but want to know when and how.... Just sit your husband down and tell him everything. Answer ALL his questions, be honest, don't hold back. Now would be a good time because you just confessed. Sometimes it takes WS a long time to tell the truth, and open up about details. How long did the A go on between you and MM?
Author rocks08 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 I'm saying I've been thrown under the bus, on another Infidelity forum, and that I'm using it as a learning experience....
Author rocks08 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't trust 100%. Each to their own then.. Just sit your husband down and tell him everything. Answer ALL his questions, be honest, don't hold back. Now would be a good time because you just confessed. Sometimes it takes WS a long time to tell the truth, and open up about details. How long did the A go on between you and MM? Just over 2 years... are u saying I should say even without being asked? Like pour it all out?
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Just over 2 years... are u saying I should say even without being asked? Like pour it all out? Yes. Or would you rather wait until your husband approaches you for details? I suggest you find a marriage counsellor to help you and your h through this process too.
Author rocks08 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Do you and your H have children? No, we don't
Author rocks08 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Yes. Or would you rather wait until your husband approaches you for details? I suggest you find a marriage counsellor to help you and your h through this process too. You know, I think I'd much rather give him some time to let this sink in, let his anger settle, and take it from there.... I mean, tell him each and every detail if he asks.... I asked him yesterday what he wanted to know and said I'd tell it all, but he said he didnt wanna know.... so..... what d'u think?
Recommended Posts