megan Posted June 29, 2003 Posted June 29, 2003 Dear Reader, I am a 22 year old female who has recently graduated from college and will be attending medical school in the fall. I am currently living at home to save money for school and work as a day camp counsler at a local recreation center. My boyfreind is soon to be 21 and lives at home as well. He will be returning to college (where we met) in the fall, but plans on attending medical after he graduates. We had a wonderful relationship at school, but now that we have moved back home there have been more obsticles. Namely, his family. They don't allow him to come and see me every weekend. I see him every other weekend and they think that is too much. My family is planning on going away for the 4th of July weekend and really wanted him to come along. They said no, eventhough they are not doind anything special. They won't allow him to talk on the phone for more than an hour. At school they spend hours helping him make his schedule for next semester. He waits for his mom to give him permission to get his hair cut. He won't buy clothes without them. My parents have started to think poorly of him because he can never come and see me. Personally, I am started to feel neglected. My medical school is so far away from college that I might get to see him two times in a semester. I don't understand why he isn't working harder to see me now while I am close. I know it isn't easy, but I feel like he isn't trying hard enough. Sometimes I think that he enjoys all of the attention. I should talk to him about it, but I am afraid of what will come of it. I am afraid that he will tell me that it is too hard and give up, confirming my worst fear - I care more for him than he does for me. please help
Just A Girl2 Posted June 29, 2003 Posted June 29, 2003 Holy crap, he sounds like a total momma's boy. He waits for his Mom's permission to get his hair cut? That is pathetic and bizarre, all at the same time. I'm sure he feels some degree of obligation to his parents.....as they are likely footing the bill for college/medical school/a place to live for free, etc......but at 22, he's an adult and if he doesn't have the gumption to cut the apron strings to some extent.....then he's got no business being in a relationship. You have every reason to feel neglected.....and trust me, if he's this whipped now, he'll likely get worse. Doesn't he think it's weird that he has to get his mommy's permission to get a haircut? or buy clothes? or that he's got all these rules about only talking on the phone for 1 hr or not being able to see you every weekend? Does that all 'sit well' with him? Or does it not seem to bother him at all. Frankly, I think you deserve someone who's got some backbone, and parents who are less controlling. You deserve a boyfriend, not a child. Ya know?
Tony T Posted June 29, 2003 Posted June 29, 2003 YOU WRITE: " I am afraid that he will tell me that it is too hard and give up, confirming my worst fear - I care more for him than he does for me." I think your biggest fear ought to be that he cares a lot more for his parents direction of his life than he cares about you. Life with someone whose parents prescribe the course of his life would be hell for you and you would always have a subordinate role. What is his position about this rather radical parental interference...does he welcome it....or does he express his frustration about it??? If he is open for and welcomes his parents setting out his life for him, you should plan on getting away from him at your earliest opportunity. Your biggest fear should be being married to a man who will remain a child until his parents die...and perhaps not be able to compose himself after that even. Why would you want to marry a helpless little boy who won't even buy clothes without mommy there??? You wouldn't be his wife, you would be his baby sitter. If you don't solve this matter now, it will be solved for you. When you get into medical school, you will be so overwhelmed with studies for the first two years you will seldom being able to have more than a hamburger with this guy. Uummm....maybe his mommy and daddy will come in real handy then to keep him occupired. But later on, you'll have the same problems to deal with. This dude's a loser....unless he is resenting this parental interference. If that is the case, why doesn't he tell them to bug off?
turtle Posted June 29, 2003 Posted June 29, 2003 Is he the youngest? Perhaps his parents are clinging to him because it's their last chance to spend time with him. I know it's cheaper to mooch off the parents, but he might consider taking out some extra loans to pay for an apartment and get some additional roommates. The way he acts when he's on his own and apart from the family is more of an indicator of being a momma's boy or not. He might feel as though if he stands up to his parents, they will stop helping him out. I had a friend whose dad paid for her rent and tuition all through college. She was forbidden to live with her boyfriend otherwise daddy would stop paying. Her parents were strict in other ways and tried to control her life.
catalyst Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 This is something I am seeing a lot. Mabey it is because it happened to me so Im hyper-aware. No one seems to be aware of the damage a parent like this can actually do, in fact, the adult child is often pegged as the problem. If a 10 year old wants to be as far as possible from a parent do you automaticly assume something is wrong with the kid? I cut myself of from my mom and now people sometimes see me as a mom hater. I dont hate her at all, but I value my sanity and my right to live in peace without being stalked or told how to cut my hair. Because its a parent and not a gf or bf, people just seem to put up with it no matter how abusive it gets. These parents can literaly destroy you and anyone who loves you in their obsession with holding on to thier baby girl or boy. Shared DNA is not a licence to dominate, control or abuse. I made a yahoogroup to adress this and bring on more awareness, child abuse does not stop at 18. Sometimes it doesnt really start untill you turn 18. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ControllingParents/ There is another one for ladies only you can link through if youd like. Yes, there should be one for men too, you'd better get on it then.
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